Category Archives: Life

You’re sexy…

Does it ever suddenly hit you what a word truly means or where it comes from? Like there’s this Swedish word “gift” which means both “married” and “poison.” Just like “vind” means both “wind” and “attic,” maybe because the wind blows through the attic?

Yesterday I wrote a blog called “Amusing musings…” which led me to ponder muse, musing and amusing. So a muse is amusing and makes you muse upon things?

I don’t think I’ve ever pondered that before. And let me tell you it took me over twenty years to realize that married and poison was the same word in Swedish. I used both words for over twenty years without realizing.

In the same way I’ve asked people how they are, told them I love them, said I’m fine, and a plethora of other things, without really putting any intention behind the words. It’s been empty words.

In a similar manner we tell ourselves stories all the time, without really noticing what we’re saying. I just caught myself berating myself for where I’m at with my life, thinking I should be further along with certain things and will life ever get easier?

In the past year my coach has made me think about what’s working and what I’d love to create more of, as well as what I’d love to create in general. I’ve had to switch my faulty thinking patterns around. And it’s worked wonders.

The amazing thing is, we’re only partly aware of what we’re thinking most of the time. Like you walk around feeling a tad irritated for three hours, but don’t even stop to ask yourself why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and how you could think about it differently so as to feel better.

Similarly, one day you catch yourself having a thought only to realize you think that thought quite often, but you’re so used to thinking it you don’t even notice. Like when you tie your shoelaces — you don’t really think about what you’re doing, yet you have to think to be able to do it.

I used the same word for marriage and poison for over twenty years without realizing. I just never questioned it. Just like I never questioned some of my own thoughts, or the way I view the world.

Becoming aware is long process, yet it starts over night. Likewise, shifting one’s thoughts, or awareness if you so like, is a long process, yet it starts over night. You have to make a decision about what you’d like to think and where your focus should be.

I’m reminded of Trainspotting: Choose life, choose a fucking big television. Only I think you should choose your thoughts instead. Because really, that’s choosing life. The life we want to create. Personally I’m gonna go have a shower, pamper myself and curl my hair. Just so I can think I’m beautiful and sexy. I could contemplate my wrinkles instead, but that’s a lot less fun than thinking I’m hot as hell…

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

a25cd4dcb5d826707515f4e468e2be96

Image Source: https://www.pinterest.se/pin/507780926731371760/ 

Advertisements

4 Comments

Filed under adventures in life, diary, Life, life lessons, Musings, Random Musings, Uncategorized

Amusing musings…

I remember when I first started this blog — I was doing yoga in Runyon Canyon and walking around looking for topics to write about as I had challenged myself to do a post a year for a year…and I did.

When I write on here I learn. It’s where I process what’s happened. The more stressed I get, or the more happy I get, the more I write. If I’m stressed I need to process what’s happened, if I’m happy I want to share my happiness with the world.

Today I was running around looking for an external hard drive for over two hours. That wasn’t fun (esp. as I didn’t find it), but it was hilarious because I kept looking in places where I’d already looked, thinking it should logically be there. Only it was totally illogical to look again, because it wasn’t there.

It made me realize that we do that a lot, don’t we? We look for things in places where we know we won’t find them. Ever had a friend who never showed up? The kind that cancelled every coffee you ever booked? Ever been in a relationship where you break up and keep getting back together? Ever had a boss who just never praised you when you did well?

These things are structures. Those people are living according to a structure where they will keep repeating a certain behavior. So why do we still go there looking for that coffee, that love, that praise? We’re looking in the wrong place!

Our looking in the wrong place is a structure too. It’s something we keep doing. And for no good reason. What we’re looking for won’t happen.

I remember that before I broke up with the guy I was with for over three years back in my twenties, I kept having a line from a play I was doing going round and round in my head: “The wonderful thing isn’t going to happen, Thorvald.” Meaning, Hedda Gabler would never be loved the way she wanted to be loved by Thorvald (at least I think it was Thorvald and Hedda this was about…I may have mixed up the character by now…but it was the play Hedda Gabler by Ibsen).

The reason that line kept going round and round in my head was because my ex would never turn around and love me the way I wanted to be loved.

This came back to me when my coach pointed out that I expect flakiness. That I think flakiness is normal in relationships, but it’s not. It’s what’s normal to me. It’s my dysfunctional structure to be around guys where the wonderful thing will never happen.

Now, sitting thinking about your past isn’t necessarily helpful — you want to be moving towards what you want to create, not away from what you don’t want to create. I’d like to create intimacy. To me intimacy is a big scary thing as I’ve hidden in clouds of aloofness to protect myself from flakiness, but it’s what I’d love. What I’d truly love to create.

I’m obsessing about structure lately, have you noticed? Because I had some big epiphany that your entire life is built around structure. You put the right structures in place, you can do anything.

It’s like building a house: for the house to do what you want it to, you need a foundation, the proper pipes, the right electrical wiring, etc. If you don’t put structures in place, the house collapses on you, or things don’t work as they should, or keep breaking.

If you think about your exercise regime, your daily schedule, the way you plan your week, how you organize your wardrobe, etc. it’s all structures. There are also mental patterns that are structures, like the way you view situations, people, etc. and therefore react to them.

Writing this blog I was also reminded of that year when I wrote a blog a day and doing yoga and running in Runyon Canyon. It was a structure. One that I loved at that time. Challenges work for me because I thrive on them. So I think I need to make a few more challenges now. Challenge myself to put a few new structures in place.

I’ve been grumpy (and exhausted) for like a week due to the fact that I raise one kid with behavioral issues and I have to wait for him to do a program before he can start school again and having him at home all day long is driving me up the walls. Because I’ve felt like I can’t put structures in place. But I can. And I will.

I’d also like to run into someone who’d hug me for an hour. The past few months have been challenging with his issues and the schools. I’ve met so many wonderful people through this who’ve told me I’m a special soul who is doing an amazing job (incredible given how grumpy I’ve felt but considering his behavioral patterns I’m possibly a saint after all). It’s hard to reignite your own flame constantly, but compared to how much better I am at it now than a year ago, I’m well pleased with myself.

Now I’m off to look for more work, it’s an exciting Friday night…

Oh no, wait, I’m supposed to put a sexual metaphor in here as is the style of this blog…but I’m too tired…no, I can’t say that. It would be like totally rude if I said that to guy. Uhm…feed me chocolate, pour me wine and massage my feet till I fall asleep we have sex. Or just take me to Runyon Canyon and let me feel the desert wind blowing through my hair again as I run in the sun.

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

08_percorso.jpg

Image Source: https://www.pinterest.se/pin/507780926731468101/

 

SaveSave

SaveSave

Leave a comment

Filed under diary, Life, life lessons, Musings, Random Musings, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Magical moments and painting with caramel sauce…

It was maybe three years ago I was having a conversation with my best friend about death: what would we do if one of us died? Like how do you handle the death of the person that’s been the closest to you for an odd twenty years?

I didn’t have the answer. She didn’t have the answer. All I’ve really thought about when it comes to life and death is that you have to fill your life with as much love as possible. Some people are special — we don’t have a magical connection with everyone, but out of billions of people, there are several whom we can create great friendships with.

People die, love doesn’t. There is so much magic to be experienced in life with so many people. Sometimes all we have to do is open the door. Open the door to the possibility that someone might be magic. Open the door to our heart. Open the door to the beauty around us.

This conversation together with my constant traveling suddenly made me very aware of what I’ve often taken for granted. Like spending time with my best friend. In the past I just used to fall into the familiar feeling of being around her, now I’m aware that our time together is limited — not least because we live in different parts of the world.

Your experience shifts when you realize time is limited. It’s like suddenly you enjoy things more. You savor the moment in an entirely different way.

The other day, as a Facebook acquaintance posted about his son’s sudden death, I was reminded of this once more. That time is limited. That we really need to indulge in the moment and appreciate the people in our lives as we never know if it’s the last time we see them.

It also hit me that time with ourselves is limited. We make a point out of appreciating the time we spend with other people, but do we make a time to appreciate the time we spend with ourselves?  Do we take care of ourselves, love ourselves, indulge in the things that make us feel good? Like do you appreciate your own talents, your own sense of humor, the little things that make you, you? It’s great when others appreciate us for those things — don’t we all love hearing what makes us special — but how about appreciating that ourselves? Even if our soul is immortal, our current incarnation is not.

Fill your life with the good stuff. I was telling a friend the other day that I’ve filled my house with important stuff — like poetry, wine, art, herbs, cooking utensils, laughter and love. It makes me feel at home, because it’s the things I treasure and I want my surroundings to be a reflection of what I love. That way I get to live the magic every single day.

Of course I also have to do what I love. I write the poetry that paint my walls, I make the charcoal drawings that fill this house. I live. Even if only three people read my poems, and five people saw my art, I know I lived that poetic/artistic moment.

This house is alive with who I am. And last week I even bought a bed for my bedroom so now I can fall asleep dreaming beautiful dreams too…

Slowly, slowly we can piece our magic together, but even while we are doing it, we can live. We can create beautiful moments before “everything’s ready.” Before we are famous. Before we are rich. Before anyone else sees, or appreciates our art.

Recently life’s felt like a whirlwind blowing in the right direction. Like climbing a steep mountain to get to the top. It’s been good, but very challenging. And at night I’ve been exhausted, but I’ve lit my candles, poured a glass of red and turned on the stove to let my troubles bubble away in caramel sauce. Because I love baking. I love the scent of caramel. I love feeling like this is my home and I’m creating magic. Even in the midst of the storm, just as I said in a previous blog.

There are times when I fail and I freak out about everything at once — then slowly I bring my attention back to what’s working, to what is slowly changing thanks to the structures I’m putting in place and to what is possible. I turn on the stove and mix whatever spices draw me to them that day, write a poem, or paint a charcoal painting. I live. If so just a little bit. And a spark of magic is created…a spark that sooner or later starts a fire.

Magic. Create it.

Love. Love as much as you can. Life is short and wonderful people are magical and beautiful and utterly tremedously amazing.

Live the small moments. Create magic in everyday life. And run off to Paris or with the circus as often as possible…

“Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all of his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then -the glory- so that a cricket song sweetens his ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished. And I guess a man’s importance in the world can be measured by the quality and number of his glories. It is a lonely thing but it relates us to the world. It is the mother of all creativeness, and it sets each man separate from all other men. ” – John Steinbeck, East of Eden

So there you are. Now go paint someone with caramel, or chocolate sauce, or something. Make it good. Make it magical.

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

e4c6dc2d24448a1ab217b9f9e60274a7.jpg

Image Source: https://www.pinterest.se/pin/507780926716211533/

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under adventures in life, diary, dreams, Life, life lessons, living our dreams, Passion, Uncategorized

Candle magic in the storm…

Do you ever wait for the perfect moment? A better home? A nicer car? And in the meantime neglect to make the most out of your current situation?

I used to be like that. I’d draw plans for a castle while living in a shack type thing. Instead of turning the shack into a castle I was waiting. Because it was just temporarily I was living there.

A lot of the things in my life were temporary. I was waiting for that magic moment when I had money, when I had visas, when I could settle, when I was doing what I love all day long… Then one morning about a year and a half ago I woke up and decided it was time to live life, no matter what.

So with no money I came up with things to do with the kids. I started writing poetry again. Happy poetry. I drew charcoal drawings again. I did everything I could to live, even if I couldn’t live exactly as I wanted.

Then it felt like life tested me. I got stuck in Europe with no visa. I was miserable being away from the kids. I was panicky. I’d wake up screaming in the night. But I realized that I had to find joy anyway. No matter what life presented me with. I had to enjoy the moment and put the panic and fear aside. And for the first time in years I took time to make new friends. To create a social life, even if I was just there temporarily. And I had fun. I still struggled with being away from the kids, but I created joy anyway. Because that’s the kind of person I want to be — I kept thinking if there was one thing I could teach people it would be that. To create joy and love, even when life gives you lemons. Because life will, in some way or another, always throw screwballs.

I came back to SA with a new visa plan, a great lawyer, more opportunities, but I’ve still battled. I found my dream home, but I had to live on a blow up mattress on the floor for six weeks as they did repairs (and it’s still raining in), the neighbor was loco, the furniture I ordered custom made grew mold, I finally had the kids but one of them has such severe issues my every day was taken up trying to sort him out and my work went out the window as I was running around to doctors, therapists, schools and golly knows what and the donkeys and still came home to tantrums, fights and nightmares. I couldn’t have babysitters, because they couldn’t handle him. I was never alone and I was losing my mind. But slowly things got better. Slowly my house became my home. Slowly my kid started finding his feet again. Slowly.

In the midst of the mania I decided to light candles. I was so run down — there were times I didn’t have time to shower for four days, because with a toddler and one kid throwing tantrums I couldn’t leave them alone. And at night I was so tired I just toppled over. But every night I lit candles. Even if it was only ten minutes to myself, I had ten minutes of calm and beauty. The kids asleep and only me and the candles.

487941_10151333515860079_1284745889_n

A rare shot of myself on this blog…came across this photo a few days ago and found it apt for this blog… 

Now I’m thinking I must do the same in the morning. Establish a routine that serves me. A routine that makes me feel happy.

Slowly I’m putting structures in place. Slowly my life is becoming a happy place to be. Even when it rains. Because I keep looking for the poetry. I keep looking for ways to make things work with the resources I have. And I try to be patient, because some things, like Magique have taken forever to sort out in the midst of the chaos. But for that too, I’ve put structures in place. I’ve hired people to ensure I sort out the things I’ve done wrong in the past. I’ve taken charge to put structures in place, both in my personal and professional life. And slowly we will get there.

I feel alive, because I have the sense that I’m finally living. I’m not waiting for some magic moment when I’ll receive an Oscar (though that’d be great), or Magique will be raining money on my head, or I’ll have fifty million to make a movie and decorate my home. I’m simply using my resources to create magic. In the now. And putting supporting structures in place. In the now. Because there’s so much beauty and I want to experience it. Right now.

It’s time to light a candle and crack on with today’s workload. A very happy me actually has some time to work.

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

4607bfd9f083e305aaba2f405aa2cdc7

Image Source: https://www.pinterest.se/pin/507780926731358719/ 

Leave a comment

Filed under adventures in life, Joy, Life, life lessons, Uncategorized

You can make love…

Love is a choice. In every instance in life, you can come from a perspective of love, or somewhere else. Usually your ego, or programmed behavior.

I help raise a kid with behavioral difficulties and the other week the kids were running amok in the doctor’s office and the one with behavioral issues then had a meltdown in the parking lot and ran off.

When you look at a kid who has been emotionally traumatized and has special needs, they don’t react like your ordinary kid. You can’t just discipline more, or love more. It doesn’t change the behavior. You use positive re-enforcement and a number of other techniques. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes get angry, or feel embarrassed.

At the doctor’s I felt embarrassed. There’s another way of seeing it though. I could just have seen it from the point of view of being a single mother, who took on raising a drug addict’s three children (and had a fourth mentorship kid with that day) and is doing the best she can with the situation. Or I could get super embarrassed that my kid didn’t behave, thinking everyone must think me a fool.

We are so programmed thinking one thing and letting our egos run the day we rarely stop to question the truth of our feelings. I’ve been running around to doctors, psychiatrists, special needs schools, therapists and god knows what and the monkeys. I try my best to implement positive parenting at home. There are times when I fail. I get sad, or angry. I want just a normal life where I don’t have to fear a couple of meltdowns a day. But by the end of the day, I get up, focus on solutions and what I’d love to create and set to work. So am I the fool with a misbehaving child, or the person who deserve credit for helping?

Ever considered as well when you are in the run up for a job, or you date someone for a while and it doesn’t work out, that it’s not about what didn’t work, but about what made you get as far as you did? Can you see the beauty in what they appreciated in you? As opposed to what made it not work out? Can you build on that beauty? Can you appreciate yourself and your skills the way they did?

The other day I handed my car in to change the break pads, only they realized that underneath that, a screw of sorts was broken and had I kept driving I would possibly have had an accident. Now, said massive screw wasn’t available right away, but had to be sent from another town. So I ended up carless for five or so odd days.

As I walked away from the repair center I was feeling a bit frustrated — I had weekend plans. The sun was shining though so I decided to walk to fetch the little one instead of taking an Uber. As I walked I saw a van, which was totally closed, no windows open, but I could hear voices. Soon I heard a chorus of “Marias” being shouted, a window opened and faces revealed themselves to greet me. It was kids from Hangberg who I’ve met over the years, on their way to a soccer game. It made me smile. Those are the kids that make the struggles we face worth it. Those smiling faces.

Later that day I walked to the harbor with one of my kids, to eat ice cream and he rollerbladed. It was sunny and wonderful and all things glorious, even if I had a sore throat and no car. It was a blessing.

A few days later I ordered an Uber to go to a funeral. As I walked out the door with one of the kids to fetch it, I realized it had cancelled and another Uber was on its way. I messaged them saying we’d started walking as we were running late and asked them to fetch us along the road. It said it’d be there in five minutes, but five minutes later it said in six minutes. It started raining. We kept walking. The Uber went to our address instead of where I told him to go. Then he drove past us and cancelled. The third Uber showed up.

I walked twenty minutes in the rain with a cold, freezing. I was getting angrier and angrier. Then I realized that this was the opportunate moment to enjoy life. I was on my way to a funeral. I started telling my child that maybe luck prevented us from catching those Ubers. You never know. But you do know that you are alive, you still have beautiful moments to look forward to and a healthy life to enjoy. You can dance. You can giggle at raindrops. You can laugh with friends. You can make love. You can create art. You can write poems. You can eat delicious meals. You can lick salted caramel out of the pot. You can speak for hours with people close to your heart. You can hug. You can kiss. You can run across fields with your children. You can jump in waves. You can chase someone along the shoreline till you both fall down from exhaustion and laughter. You can feel life. You can live life.

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

8510c96add62560ca37f9fa2768a088e.jpg

Image Source: https://www.pinterest.se/pin/507780926726569139/

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under adventures in life, Ego, Family, Life, life lessons, Love, raising children, the beauty of life, the journey of life, Uncategorized

Turn me on…

There are things that turn you on right?! I mean you know what they are, don’t you? Do you actually do those things though?

Years ago I learned that there are certain principles that work when creating a life you love, yet I don’t necessarily use them. It’s like knowing what turns you on and never doing it. You know the base principle, but you don’t get around to applying it. It’s a waste of the perfect opportunity for a great sex life. 

Now the stuff I learned was:

  • Focus creates reality.
  • Structure has integrity.
  • Thoughts and feelings aren’t real.
  • Act from the heart/intution.
  • What would I love to create?
  • Hang with the tension.

Do you ever act out of fear for what might happen if you don’t? I do. All the time. Only that’s not quite right is it? Because my focus is on what I fear. So what am I truly looking to create? 

What I should be doing is finding out what I want to create and act to achieve that. Now my focus is on what I want. Now I can create what I desire instead of avoiding what I don’t want and all along thinking about what I don’t want and most likely therefore creating that. 

Still, things can go wrong. 

For example, I could start to manipulate people to get what I want, instead of acting from the heart when creating it. In which case things can go really wrong, because you’re creating things that don’t ring true to other people’s hearts. Think of it this way: you know you want a great CEO for your company. That’s true to your heart. Then you realize one of your friends is looking for a job and they happen to be an amazing CEO with no passion for your business. You need a CEO and suddenly you aren’t checking in with your heart anymore — you just see this great CEO friend of yours and as you really need a CEO and need one now you’re set on getting them on board. Especially as they were really successful in their last venture so your ego is singing hallelujah. 

So you try to convince them. Then you beg. You might use tactics like provoking their guilt, or increasing the pay check. You might even make yourself sick with worry and ask them to please stand in for you while you are sick. And how could they refuse now? 

That kind of behavior can create a landslide of trouble as no one is acting from their heart so you have a dispassionate CEO who is likely resentful having to do what they don’t want to do. 

Similar things happen in dating all the time — instead of speaking from the heart people try all sorts of tactics to get people interested in them. It ranges from sexual manipulation, to being needy. Sexual exploration isn’t wrong, asking for someone’s help isn’t wrong, but using it to get a person involved with you without clear communication is wrong. 

So once you know what you want, you need to focus on that. Because the more you focus on it, the more energy you will give it and the more likely you are to create it. Sit thinking about how hopeless life feels and chances are you won’t have any energy to create.

Then you have to go after what you want with integrity — always acting from the heart, using your intuition as a guide. 

Along the way things will probably get pretty uncomfortable. To get what you never had you have to do what you never did. Most of us have wounds and scars and avoid certain things like the plague. Personally I have a strong dislike of speaking about emotions and standing up for myself. To avoid it I’ve used plenty of manipulation and aloofness in the past. Those were faulty mechanisms to try to protect myself from what I felt was uncomfortable. 

This is where you need to hang with the tension. Your thoughts and feelings aren’t real — they are projections based on your past, or simply interpretations of life. You can choose to see things differently and therefore feel something different. 

As for structure, everything in life has some sort of structure. If you want to create a certain result, you need a structure that supports it. For example, if when dating people you usually start having a lot of thoughts that it will never work out around week three, or month five, or whatever, then you will always break it up then, unless you create another structure. Say, you hire a coach that asks you if those thoughts and feelings are actually real and coming from your heart, or you’re acting from your wound. 

If you keep acting from your wound, instead of putting a new structure in place, you’ll keep getting the same results. 

Likewise, if you want to change your finances, or your work results, you need structures in place that help you do so. If you want to get fit, but was never motivated to do so, then you need a new structure. Such as a personal trainer who makes sure you go to the gym, an app that tracks your progress, a friend that keeps your accountable, or a new activity that you are actually excited about. 

In the last year I’ve also heard my coach say over and over again that the person with the biggest hard on wins (yes, that’s a metaphor) and I believe this is another principle I should be applying in my life. If you are constantly manipulated by other people’s energy, if your focus shifts from the results you wish to create to whatever energy is around you (be it a flat tyre, or an irritated boss), you will never achieve your results. Your energy needs to be strong enough to carry you through (see yesterday’s blog for more on this topic). It will help to have the right structures in place to support you, but you also have to keep your focus on things that inspire you enough to move forward. Focus creates reality. 

That’s it folks. I’m clearly obsessing about what’s turning me on right now, being in the end result of creating it. With, you know, some dude who gets me. 

Dizzy blonde, over and out. 

d228a058aaae595ece491be65d5c3860

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926729381962/

2 Comments

Filed under achievement, diary, Goals, Inspiration, Life, Motivation, personal thoughts, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Light my fire…

My coach always says “the person with the biggest hard on wins,” which I always thought sounded terribly crude. Coming from me, that probably sounds absurd as we’re talking someone who can crack fifty sex jokes a minute on this blog, without raising an eyebrow. Still, I think it sounds crude. Yet, last week I started repeating this phrase to myself till I was going dizzy. Why? Because it’s true. The penny finally hit the slot.

What my coach really means is that whoever vibrates on the highest frequency, or has the most energy, wins.

Have you ever met energy vampires? You’re most likely the worst energy vampire you’ll ever meet as your own energy affect you more than anyone else’s, but there are people close to us that affect us a lot as well.  The boy I raise is one of them for me, as he has behavioral issue and last week I was beside myself. I know what to do to handle him — I read The Kazdin Method for Parenting years ago and in short, you use a ton of energy to make everything you are about to do sound amazing and you encourage the kid for everything well-done. Bad behavior you say no to once, firmly, then ignore. You don’t engage. You don’t get angry. You are a loving storm wind of enthusiasm.

It’s just, I’m not always feeling like a loving storm wind of enthusiasm; sometimes I’d just like to say “Come sit down and have dinner,” without having to do funny voices, talk about how fantastic the meal is going to be, or perform a musical show for entertainment purposes. I want to be able to raise my voice when I’m annoyed about something without having to end up with a one hour, or day long tantrum because of it. But I know the moment I lower my energy, I’ve lost.

I sometimes forget to be this person. There are times when things are going well and it’s not needed and I slip into being a regular mom who gets grumpy when a child purposefully destroys a nice moment by doing something utterly ridiculous, or dangerous, like playing with buttons in my car. There are also times when I’m simply tired and think I can get away with being tired and, sometimes, grumpy. But the grumpier I get, thinking “he should just understand” the worse the situation gets.

For people who have never encountered these kind of issues, it often sounds foreign when you explain. They tell you the child needs discipline, or love, and think they’ll react like any other child. They don’t. You can’t just use logic and say it isn’t a good idea to do whatever it is they are doing and punish them for it. It doesn’t work. It just creates more havoc. For them the destructive behavior is a weapon. They use that weapon for a reason.  Maybe it’s to get attention. Maybe it’s their only way of feeling in control. Maybe it’s their way of keeping people away, as they’ve been hurt a lot. Maybe they have come to hate themselves and want to continue down that path. Whatever it is, they use anger as a weapon to get what they want. You have to disarm them. And you disarm them by bringing a completely different kind of energy to the table.

When I was beside myself last week as PMS set in, the babysitter cancelled and I was stuck with a toddler, an angry eleven-year old and his easily aggravated sister, a messy house and an intense need to work, I thought I’d break. I wanted to lock myself into the bathroom and cry. I wanted to hurl all the pain my kid ever caused me right back at him. All the hurt I felt at being on the receiving end of his anger for years. I wanted to take the pain he was throwing me and shove it in his face. I was so tired of not ever being able to come home and relax, I thought I’d snap.

I felt life was unfair and I was a victim of circumstance. I was angry about a gazillion different things that I felt were stacked against me and had been issues over the years. I wanted to hide inside a hug, or a bottle of wine. Or better yet: inside a hug in a bottle of wine. I wanted an energy to counteract my kid’s. I wished I was in London so I had more friends to turn to. I wished I had a boyfriend. I wished I had unlimited funds for nannies, therapists, schools and babysitters. I wished for a million things. And I felt lonely and helpless and sad and had no idea how to get through till evening, much less however long until the kid has everything he needs to change his behavior — from schools to therapists.

This is when I pulled myself up by the ears and told myself the person with the biggest hard on wins. I needed a different energy to counteract it all. I needed to be a positive whirlwind stronger than my kid’s anger and pain and strong enough to look after two more kids and work. I needed to be superhuman, pretty much. I needed energy super powers

Normally energy control does not involve dealing with people with severe behavioral problems. Normally it involves the thoughts you have around different situations. Habitual thoughts that drain your own energy. You go into a situation with the wrong energy to achieve what you want to achieve. Like thinking you want to be with someone but suck at relationships, or want a raise but suck at negotiating, or want a job but are terrified of interviews. When it comes to other people, normally it involves a grumpy boss, a tricky client, or a boyfriend who you want to reprimand for something, but instead of reprimanding should encourage to do something different. Because encouragement works. Positive re-enforcement. The Kazdin Method of Parenting. The biggest hard on. Call it what you like. It works.

Usually with every negative event that occurs and every negative action (or what we perceive as negative) a person takes against us, we lose a little bit of our mojo and our natural instinct is to punish. Soon we are caught up in whatever energy we were handed, instead of choosing our own energy.

You cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.

The thing is, this isn’t just about problems. You have a lot of power. A lot. Your energy alone can transform not just yourself, but others. How you meet people every day affects them. Now, everyone has the option of choosing their own energy, but as my story hopefully conveys, it takes effort to do that. When you are met with a smile everywhere you go, you don’t need the same amount of effort to stay in a good space.

Everybody’s candle burns out at some point. Mine burnt out last week. I’ve struggled to re-ignite it and keep the flame going ever since. Last night I messaged my coach saying I know what to do. I know I’m not a victim. I know I can win this situation. I know if I can win this, I can win many other situations, because I will become a master at managing my own energy. I know it will take time to put functional structures, such as nannies in place, but that I can do it. I also know I need a hug. Because I’m struggling really hard right now to keep my energy up. And it certainly didn’t get better when the little one woke up at 5am and weed all over my bed. It’s an add on effect.

Shit happens. We all have our flame start flickering at some point. It might even go out, as we enter the dark side. As we give up on achieving what we truly want to achieve in a situation. Remember that you can re-ignite it. Also remember to ask for help to do so — hugs are awesome things (just don’t ask me how to ask for a hugs as I’m still working out how to do that myself — such as putting myself in the energy to receive them…).

You are a match and people are waiting to be lit up by your energy, just as you are a candle waiting to be lit up by your own flame and those of others.

b406bc364cb79b35fafce3ce653922c1

Image source: https://za.pinterest.com/CarnavalDuDesir/naughty-and-nice/

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Life, Thoughts, Uncategorized