Category Archives: relationships

Out of the shadows and into the light…

What makes you squirm uncomfortably? Often somewhere in our squirming moments we tend to find ourselves.

Personally I have this issue with helplessness and receiving care; usually because I confuse the two.

If people care for me I think they believe I need their care because I have some flaw, something I can’t handle myself, and they pity me and want to help. It’s a most humiliating feeling.

As a kid I thought the only reason most people cared for me was because I’d lost my mom. I was bullied and my step-mom wasn’t particularly nice to me so when people were nice I assumed it was pity, because so many people weren’t nice to me, meaning I must have some fault. Otherwise, why was I constantly rejected?

I even had this idea my mom hadn’t loved me – she refused hugging me the last time I saw her, then she died without leaving behind any letters left saying she loved me. It was not a good 24 hours of my life. And afterwards there was a huge hole inside of me and I didn’t know how to fill it. Being cared for by someone hurt when you could lose them, so my six year old self thought.

What’s more, my dad always encouraged me to better myself, so on another plane, I had this idea love was related to achievement. The only times I felt love was real was when people said “I love you, but…” Because then I could keep the idea of being flawed. If they seemed to just randomly love me, without pitying me (i.e. they actually seemed to care), I thought them stupid, or blind…take your pick.

Together with some early on rejections on the love front (try having your emotions and rejection trumpeted to a whole school when you’re fifteen – I blushed for a week straight), I’m not very good with emotions. I simply don’t want to confess to having them (not even to myself), because I think they cause trouble.

This has manifested in different ways in my life. First I became shy as I figured it was better being rejected for who I was not, than showing my real me. Then I wanted to change that and ended up always trying to prove my own strength. My can-do attitude. My willingness to perfect myself. My fiercely independent spirit. I feel safe when I’m independent. I feel in charge.

As my principal in drama school would have said, I’ve gone from using one cover (shy) to using another (independent). Being the seeker I am (and being as miserable as I was) I’ve always worked on myself though. I wanted to find happiness and happiness has a lot to do with self-love, loving people and letting them love you back. So I’ve worked on it. And recently what made me realize there’s a way to go is the “being cared for” thing.

When people try to care for me beyond my comfort level three things might happen: I feel suffocated (I can’t accept the care), I feel embarrassed (clearly they think I need help), or I think they’re being ridiculous (i.e. still thinking people blind to the real me). In some cases, I might also question if they’re doing it just to later embarrass me by telling me it wasn’t real (it really was very traumatic being fifteen, OK). If I actually want to receive the care I feel completely helpless because I don’t know how to. This leads to me wanting to be alone so I can feel powerful again and I can turn mean in the process of pushing people away.

Due to this I have had a tendency to fall for aloof men – men I connect with intellectually and/or physically. I don’t have to open up emotionally, because they’re like clams (or well, you know, a little bit clammy at least). They’re never completely into me, which means I don’t truly have to ever lose them. They won’t look after me, so I won’t feel stupid.

When I dated caring men in the past, it was always men I didn’t really have a connection with, so they never got close and I remained safe and aloof.

In a nutshell: the guys I liked didn’t care and the guys who liked me I didn’t care about.

Now, I could blame this on fate, or I could look at the common denominator in all this: me. I choose to look at me.

This year I’ve decided to turn everything in my life on its head, including my emotional life. I will do the things I fear the most. Like opening up socially in the place I call home, instead of waiting to go to places where I feel anonymous and safe. I will professionally go where I’m the most scared to go, because I care the most. I will also only date caring men I care about AND have a connection with. It will probably make me wanna puke, run for my life and feel like a claustrophobic person stuck in an elevator, but I’m determined that the only relationships I will have are soulful ones. In fact, I want everything in my life to be soulful – my work, my home, my kids, my friends…

For so long I’ve wanted to be the person who didn’t care, who didn’t feel, who just went on adventures and ran off with the circus. Well, whilst I do like the adventures and I’d happily join a circus for a while, I’d like to explore caring. Right here, right now. I’d also like to explore being with someone. Someone who would go on adventures with me; near and far. Someone I could create a home with, but also have freedom with. I like being independent, but I don’t like being a fool. And I’ve been a fool for long enough.

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The hot make-up…

I think people have a lot of make-up sex because they realize what they were fighting about in the first place was a misunderstanding. We have a tendency to project our past on the present and push for an encore of past events. We also have a tendency to misread signs and interpret them in the way we want to see them (which isn’t always in the best of lights). And when we get triggered we don’t necessarily think before we act.

Sometimes when something hurts us we react. We scream. We cry. We lash out in anger. We retract. We play the clown, pretending nothing can touch us.

Personally I’ve always favored retracting. Then last year someone said something which really hurt me. It didn’t help I had PMS either. I cried all the way on my flight from Copenhagen to Cape Town pretty much, until I somehow sedated myself with painkillers and fell asleep. And if you know me you also know I don’t cry very often and if I do it’s usually moist eyes. I’m not very good at the crying part, but having PMS I couldn’t put a lid on my feelings. Couldn’t tell them to behave. And it was actually quite liberating.

You have to understand, this was not something said out of malice, but it was something which I felt very strongly about. The person means a lot to me and basically told me what matters a lot to me matters fuck all to them, simply because they wanted me to care less about it. Of course, I didn’t care less about it though, it just hurt me they didn’t care.

I made a decision then. I made a decision I had to talk to them. I understood this wasn’t said out of malice. I also understood that unless I made them realize what it meant to me and that they mattered to me, our relationship would deteriorate because I would withdraw more and more, thinking there’d be no point in sharing anything that mattered to me. As we’ve always been very different, I’ve applied this tactic many times in the past. The more they’ve voiced their negative feelings about how I live my life, the more I’ve withdrawn from them.

So once I felt I was calm and could speak from my heart, I did so. And I was very happy about it because for the first time I think they understood how I feel when they say certain things. And seeing them try to change has warmed my heart.

In this instance, it’s a relationship I’ve worked on for years. A relationship where sometimes I’ve felt I’ve had the courage to voice my thoughts and other times I haven’t, because I’ve been too scared I’d get hurt. At times I’ve also responded with anger, withdrawal and complete ignorance. Last year I’d reached a point where I knew if I kept acting a certain way, I’d reap the same results. I’d also healed more emotionally and was therefore willing to open up more.

This week something else hurt me. And I could and still can feel the urge to move away from it. The urge to get angry about it. The sense of hopelessness as I don’t know an exact way of fixing it. Whilst I believe speaking from the heart is the best remedy in most instances it doesn’t guarantee the other person will listen. In the other example it was two people who have tried for years to improve a relationship. That’s very different from dealing with people who might have no interest in improving their relationship with you. And it can be really, really scary if you know something needs to improve or it will affect a lot of other things.

Right now I feel I could use both a stiff drink and a hug (mainly a hug), but what I choose this year is unconditional love. To act from that space. It’s not always feasible, which is why I shouldn’t act at times. It is possible to constantly bring yourself back to a place of unconditional love though. It’s possible to acknowledge whatever feelings of discomfort you may have and rather than trying to resolve them by putting something else on top or diffuse them with distraction, you wait until they dissipate on their own. No anger, getting distracted by other things, withdrawing, or whatever else it is you feel like doing. You hang with the tension; hang with the discomfort until it gives way. You let it go.

I don’t know exactly why the process of hanging with the tension works, but it does. Suppression doesn’t. Holding onto emotions/situations and debating them in your head doesn’t. Putting bravery, humor, or whatever else on top doesn’t. Pretending the issue isn’t there doesn’t. Only when you face it can you let it go. Only then can you access that space of unconditional love.

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The withered face of love and addiction…

I had a spectacular experience today. I saw the face of love. It’s the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen.

The year before last two friends of mine relapsed into drugs. One sent me a message, asked for help and went to rehab. One spoke to me at length about being sober and having no problems, didn’t ask for help and didn’t go to rehab. It didn’t matter how we pleaded. Eventually I stopped seeing this person, not because I wanted to, but because I knew I couldn’t see them alone anymore because they couldn’t be trusted alone and because I had so much going on and couldn’t keep putting myself in a position where I had nightmares about other people’s lives. And that’s what I used to do. I’d wake up in a sweat dreaming about overdoses.

There was also a part of me that felt I failed. I failed to get them help. I failed to make them realize they needed help. I failed to get hold of the resources we needed to get them help. I felt I wasn’t good enough. In fact, that year I felt I didn’t bring enough to anyone, because everyone was struggling. I was overwhelmed with disasters in every direction and it was more than I could handle.

I often thought myself unwanted growing up and I tried to compensate by bringing something I knew was wanted. I brought my skills and my talents. So when I can’t bring that I sometimes don’t show up at all. That year when everything fell apart I felt so inadequate, so “not good enough” that all these old wounds started bleeding, without me even realizing it. I just retracted into myself, as I often do.

Today I bumped into my friend when visiting another friend, Tony who has cancer, and we laughed about old times. I also told them I want to see them. I want to speak to them.

As I asked them to have coffee with me old memories of having coffee with them flashed through my mind – one time them telling me their life story which is the most heartbreaking story I ever heard, I almost puked; another time me trying to convince them to see the light and move away from abuse. Mingled with the memories another image popped up; an image of me once again trying to make them see something. To convince them to find happiness.

With that image came fear and despair – fear I’d fail; fear I’d turn into some preacher; fear for them and the path they’re on. And that’s when something hit me; this thought telling me I love them smashed the other images to pieces and my fear melted away. I was reminded that the only thing I owe anyone in any kind of relationship is to love them, not save them. I can’t. It’s not up to me. I can tell stories about other people; about myself and my journey. I can do all of that, but it’s not my job to change them. All I owe the people in my life that I love, is love. And I can give that, even if I can’t give anything else.

Naturally, there are other elements to a relationship and if someone is hurting themselves you are likely to step in and get them help, but you can only do so much. By the end of the day you have to accept them for who they are and where they are at on their journey. You may not even be able to be too close to them if they are acting destructively, but you can love them.

As this came to me there was also a huge sense of acceptance – to love someone regardless of how they choose to live their life. For me that is pretty big as I was once a control freak who believed success and therefore love was granted if you perform well. As mentioned: skills and talents. In fact, one of my biggest fears growing up was drugs. I thought becoming an addict was as low as you could go; totally losing control of yourself. And if you don’t like yourself very much and fail, then you fail again to prove just how shitty you are for having failed in the first place and that means if you were to take drugs, chances are you wouldn’t stop. As I didn’t like myself very much growing up I stayed away from drugs like the plague.

I can’t cure Tony of his cancer either and for a period it really pained me that I didn’t have the funds to do something to change his life, his food (or lack thereof), his worries. It made me sick of myself as I felt someone that ill should be a bigger priority than some of my other projects.

You can help Tony here through Indiegogo/Generosity

I think sometimes my own fear that I can’t do enough and be enough means I avoid something. That feeling of helplessness and an ability to suffer on the behalf of others make me avoid it altogether. I haven’t been to see Tony for a while – I saw him today, because I realized he wants to see me. Even if I can’t bring miracles. Even if I can’t bring skills. Even if I don’t always know what to say.

Sometimes I avoid calling my grandma, because I can’t cure her loneliness and I feel guilty because I don’t live in Sweden. After mom died my grandparents on both sides helped raise us. And I feel I owe it to her to bring her the happiness she brought me. The safety, the stability that I now try to bring to kids here. But whilst I can give her my love, I can’t give her my life.

Today I simply saw love. I saw how you love people even when they don’t love themselves. I saw how you love the imperfect. I saw what it means to people that you love them. I saw how I’ve sometimes avoided giving love as I felt that love alone wasn’t enough. That I had to do and be something more. I saw how I often haven’t loved myself. I saw love for myself.

I saw love in a torn person’s face and that made me see love everywhere.

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Destiny walked into the room…

Have you ever had the feeling destiny walked into the room?

Sometimes I feel it happens when you meet someone who will be pivotal to your business, or life. Like there’s this opportunity exploding onto the scene. Other times I feel it happens when you meet people who somehow resonate with you.

You look at someone and for some inexplicable reason you know you have something in common. You feel compelled to stare at them. You have no idea why.

Maybe you’ve lived similar lives on the outside – done similar things.

Maybe you’ve got the same passions in life.

Maybe you think similarly about life.

Maybe you’ve got the same wounds.

Maybe you’ll work perfectly as a team; complementing each other in such a way there’s balance.

Maybe you’ve got the same ideas of what great sex is supposed to be.

Maybe you just remind each other of people you know, or used to know.

You just don’t know. You simply have a feeling that destiny arrived.

Sometimes this is fueled by attraction; sometimes a need to be friends; sometimes just a fascination you feel no need to explore beyond simply exploring it – finding out why it’s there. The thing is, you haven’t yet discovered why you want to explore it. (And btw. this is not the kind of attraction generated by someone flirting with you, using pick-up tricks, etc. The laugh, smile, look in your eyes, compliment you, touch you, neg you, elicit things we have in common has nothing to do with this…but a lot of people fall for that. I have friends that are like that naturally and most people fancy themselves having a connection with them.)

This is why I never recommend people to trust love at first sight (I’m the love doctor you know – writing for all these magazines and opening a business related to love) – you have to try the love first. Because there is very little love and respect at first sight. What there is, is a sense of magnetism pulling you towards something which already exists within you. What that is, is another matter entirely. And even if it’s a good thing you’re pulled towards, the relationship you form won’t necessarily be good. Even people who come to love you might not know how to treat you well. If they don’t love themselves, chances are they won’t treat you well. Not because they don’t want to, but because they’re incapable of it until they learn how.

Attraction, love and relationships are three different things, if invariably connected.

I’ve had a few dates with destiny in my life. And attending a drama school where we learnt to understand thoughts, consciousness, etc. I have a fairly good idea of how different people’s thoughts attract us or repel us, due to our own thinking patterns; our own emotional make-up. Once my principal looked at me in school when a new bunch of first year students had arrived and said “So, Maria, who is it you have affinities with?” (Affinities in our language meant thoughts in common with.) I pointed to one girl and giggled. It was like magnetism. I could not stop staring at her. He nodded and smiled. He knew too.

As a drama student I was taught to create a character – a life that had shaped them into thinking certain thoughts that would fit with the events of a play. I was trained to look at an actor I was directing to see if they “held” the thoughts we’d designed. And I can tell you that it’s possible to know. Because a whole room would know. If someone dropped their age, forgot to bring in pictures of their marriage, or lost any other part of their character you knew. You knew the character no longer fitted the play. The thoughts they had were not consistent with the thoughts the character in the play needed to have, to do the things they were doing. Because it’s thoughts that fuel us to action. Wanting bananas and buying a pear – it doesn’t add up. Thoughts and the relationship between different characters’ thoughts are the glue that keep a plot together. Without that, you don’t keep your attention as the audience, because something doesn’t gel.

Even going through all that and coming to accept that you literally know people’s thoughts (though not the exact thoughts, just the impression of someone’s thinking and even that might take a while to work out – life is not a play where you know what the thoughts designed are supposed to be and can compare your impression of that to what the actor is doing), it still fascinates me when I meet someone who makes me gape at them in wonder. I guess it’s part of being human; the need for being understood. And it seems every part of our personality is longing to find a connection.

Though sometimes it isn’t about connection – it’s about being drawn to people who prove our thoughts about life to be true. Most people relive certain circumstance over and over again until they start seeing life differently. Once they see life differently they are attracted to different people, who will create different circumstance. As my principal also would say: we’re self-fulfilling prophecies. I’m not sure it has anything to do with the law of attraction, but I do believe you choose to open your door to certain people because of a reason. That does not mean I believe you’re attracted to be at a certain place due to a certain thing, or that you invite a burglar to come break into your house when you aren’t there. It just means you are drawn to certain people who behave and think in ways people you experienced in childhood did. Or you simply provoke them until they do so – act in ways that will bring that about. It takes a hell of a lot of discipline to change the thoughts that operate your world and therefore your personality.

To change ourselves and therefore the people we’re drawn to like magnets takes work. I recently did something I was very proud of; taking charge of my own reaction to something someone said, going beyond that and solving the underlying issue. A few years back I’d never done that. I’d just resorted to my pattern of locking them out of my life, retracting into myself, and feeling hurt. Which is not a good place to be if you want to live a loving life. I was hurt a lot as a child and I had walls as high as mountains surrounding me. Which is not a great place to be unless you’re happy to be surrounded by emotionally shut down people, who won’t break down your walls of unloveability.

So yes darlings, meetings with destiny are fascinating, don’t you think? Or in the words of Justin Bieber: “What do you mean?” (And I did not just confess to liking a Bieber song. …but come on…the guy grew up, no?! He must have done some changing because I like him a hellofalot better than I ever did. He used to annoy me like crazy. So there you go: proof of change of thoughts…ahem.)  Or maybe it should be “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on”? Or maybe it’s like you’re my childhood wound, let’s stay apart, or maybe let’s work together, or maybe…what do you mean?…

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Filed under Acting, adventures in life, Attraction, Friendship, Love, personal growth, Psychology, relationships

I think you’re the sexiest man alive…

I was talking to someone yesterday and she was a bit sad that someone she met some time ago wanted “space.” And as the story goes he was special. They all are. That’s why you date them. The thing is, you are special too.

If I choose to date someone, it’s because I believe they have the potential to be the sexiest man alive. If I choose to hang out with someone, it’s because I believe they can be a true friend. If I choose to do business with someone it’s because I believe that their unique way of doing business is incredible.

You are unique. Never sell yourself short. Yes, it’s terribly annoying when you run into an investor whom you know could make your business happen and they don’t seem to know whether to go for it or not. You have to do the striptease – show them what’s on offer. What their ROI will be, but beyond that, it’s their choice. Sitting daydreaming about them isn’t going to help. The most pro-active thing you can do is line up fifty other investors, instead of moping about the “maybe baby.” You can still choose the original investor if they come through, but don’t wait for them.

When we are talking about a private investor in your life who could set your body on fire and set your soul alight with laughter, then it’s ever so fucking frustrating to stand there with your wet dream, but that’s just it: it’s a dream. Go find someone who will make your dream come true, not just someone who will make you twist and turn as you think about them at night, aching with frustration.

The problem seems to be when people find something they want and they have no other alternatives lined up. It’s like they are looking at the only bottle of water in the desert, as right now they don’t know where the others are. It’s not that other bottles don’t exist, but they aren’t readily available and it seems people aren’t willing to wait till they find them. They want their fix and they want it now. The thing is, chances are going after the one bottle they can see right now, will likely mean the whole thing will take even longer, as that bottle of water isn’t going to allow them to drink from it and they will waste their time trying; in the end having to find another bottle anyway.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t give a guy or gal space. I’m not saying I don’t believe in second chances. I’m not saying it’s not honorable if someone wants to sort their shit out before they continue a relationship with you. I’m not saying relationship and business investments don’t take time to figure out and people might need a cold shower before they proceed. What I’m saying is that you have to put your life first and move forward, irrespective of what they choose to do. Don’t get caught up in a wet dream.

Also – if you are chasing a flake: if someone doesn’t invest in your life, your business, or you, neither they, nor you will get anything in return, as there is no investment to leverage off. All relationships take an effort and instead of running after people, trying to get them to invest, consider finding someone willing to invest without you having to do anything more than invest yourself. No matter how great a connection you have with someone or how awesome they are when they are around, without investment, there will be no happy relationship, be it in business or in bed.

You’re a miracle, did you know that? The way you smile, makes someone smile. The way you hug, makes someone thankful to be your friend. The way you show up in someone’s life, makes all the difference. The way you are unique, changes everything for a person, an organization, or even the world. If the people around you don’t see that, it’s time to find other people to be around.

If a guy or gal leaves you hot and bothered without finishing the job, go find someone who does. You want an orgasm, not a fucking fit of frustration (and there really should be no fucking in that sentence…).

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Filed under Business, Dating, Humor, Personal Development, relationships, self-worth

The attitude of gratitude can kiss my ass…and that’s a great ass to kiss…

Ever heard someone you date say to you: “You have a nice ass, I should feel thankful for that”? I haven’t, but if I did I believe I might just dump them then and there. Why? Because if they “should” feel grateful they aren’t already feeling grateful, meaning they aren’t truly happy about, well, my ass. Gratitude comes naturally if you love something.

Now, I’m not saying that a condition for dating me is that you feel happy about my ass. I have dated many men whose asses weren’t great. The thing is: if I was in love with them, I was still thankful for their ass because it was their ass.

In London I used to wake up every morning in a state of panic as usually I had just awoken from a dream about my home in the Hollywood Hills and the sense of panic stemmed from the fact that I was not there. The life I woke up to looked very different from what used to awaken me with a smile. In Hollywood I jumped out of bed to make myself a smoothie or almond milk latte, watching the sunrise over the city. I felt bliss. I felt happiness. I felt excitement about life. I was so happy it was radiating from me, because my surroundings fueled me. I didn’t have my business, most of my friends, or a structured life there though, so I thought I should go back to London to obtain that.

In London I woke up to a gorgeous Victorian mansion in a bustling city and to a great job. I woke up in a house I didn’t love, in a city that filled me with dread and to a job that drained me as it used none of my greatness and all of my weaknesses. I used to think I should be thankful for my pretty house in the great city and my amazing job. I should. And sometimes I could pump up my adrenaline, make myself excited about selling another Hirst, or looking at the architecture of my house, or having a great coffee. I could get happy about a detail of beauty in a sea of gray.

I tried being thankful for my toothbrush, my food, my easy journey to work, my job, my house…I was scrutinizing London for beauty, I was trying to find inner peace…and all I felt was gray despair amongst a few sunbeams.

I cleaned up my room this weekend and added a few details. I finally got it just the way I wanted it, apart from a few paintings I still have to make. I put candles everywhere and last night I decided to light them all, snuggle up in bed and smell the fresh herbs I picked in my garden, whilst drinking the fresh mint tea, also courtesy of our garden. I felt at peace because I knew I was in paradise and my room was a representation of my heart. I had created my own love, my own heart.

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This morning I woke up to gorgeous African sunshine, blue skies and sunbeams playing with the wooden beams in my room. I was surrounded by nature in my natural home in the hills of Cape Town. I heard one of our gorgeous dogs knock on my door, frustrated that I wasn’t yet up to let him in. I was looking forward to seeing my foster kiddos, having breakfast, and talking to my best friend. I felt happy. I did not have to give thanks for my toothbrush – I naturally praised God for the miracle creation called my life. I was radiant.

I knew inside when I woke up today as well the areas of my life I’m not happy with. There are work assignments I do that I don’t enjoy. How my day looks like a color palette where some dots stand out as distasteful. I can argue that this work pays me and that it is better than any work I have ever had and I honestly feel thankful for that, but I still know the difference between that feeling and the feeling of looking out over the Hollywood Hills, surrendering to the feeling of living my dreams and feeling as if life is rising inside of me with the sun, playing in my heart, and making me long for the new day to dawn.

Likewise, I made a distinction this weekend when it comes to people – some people do great things for you, make you feel amazing as they are great in bed, or they shower you in love. They have a nice ass and treat you like the Queen of the world. Then there are those that may not have a perfect ass, or do all those things you’d dream a person would do for you, but you feel thankful just to be in their presence. Like with anyone you would have to create a great relationship with them to make your connection sustainable, you may have to kick their ass if they are being lazy, but you will never find yourself saying “I should feel thankful because they bought me flowers.” “I should be thankful because they are a nice person.” The reason you aren’t thankful is because you wish someone else would have bought you those flowers.

What I’m tying to say is that you will probably never be happy having bad relationships with anyone, but you won’t be happy having great relationships with people who won’t stir your soul either. You can enjoy them as a lover, as a friend, as a partner in crime for something, but if you are looking for a soul mate, their flowers will just never seem enough.

Life is an interesting journey and it will continue to throw us screwballs – nothing is ever a status quo of perfection, that’s the adventure, the path of life. If you are on the right path, the path excites you. You go out there every day to fight the dragons in search of your gold, your own heart as manifested in life. If the path doesn’t excite you, you change your path, or you give up and say your thanks to your toothbrush, to the people, situations and events you “should feel thankful for, because at least you are better off than the kids in Africa.” Or “at least you are squeezing a super model’s ass,” even if you feel no connection to their soul. It can be a nice ass squeezing experience, but if you want more, you have to search for more.

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Through making love, we experience love…

People are people through other people, so an Ubuntu saying goes. I find this an absolutely beautiful take on life and have many times blogged about how we experience ourselves through others. Through others we get to laugh, feel their touch on our skin, see our own beauty and marvel in friendship. In one way you could say that you learn through others who you are. Yet, who we are is not always experienced by others, or even ourselves.

It’s so easy to believe what others say about us, how they react to us and so on, but really, they are part of that reaction. If they are looking at us through their ego, rather than their heart, what they will see is rather different from what their heart would see. And if they are looking at our ego rather than our heart they will also form a very different opinion of us than if they were looking at our heart. Of course they can look at us with their heart, see our heart, but also acknowledg that we are acting out our ego.

We choose every day how we view ourselves – whether from the ego, or the heart. We also choose if we act out our ego, or our heart. When we look at others we choose to see their ego, or their heart and react to them with our ego, or our heart. Sometimes we look at people’s heart, but as they keep responding to life with their ego it can be frustrating watching them, even though of course how they live is up to them and truly, if you are only viewing them from the heart probably all you do is love and let go.

I have had a few ego reactions lately and I started laughing at myself this morning when I realized it doesn’t matter what other people do, or say, so long as I stay true to my heart, the right people will connect with me and form the right kind of relationships with me. For example, let’s use my favourite love and sex metaphors…say you are dating someone and sometimes they live their ego, sometimes their heart. One night this friend of theirs, whom you know likes them, keeps flirting with them. Now, you can either try to control the situation by getting your partner out-of-the-way, or start flirting with them yourself so that their ego recognizes the wonderful qualities of yours as you shake your butt very impressively on the dance floor. You could also walk away whimpering thinking whoever got your partner’s attention is superior to you and you are completely unloveable. Or you can just be a living expression of your heart, connecting with theirs if it is open and leaving it if it is not. If one of your hearts is not open the relationship, in a sense, is dead. There might still be a foundation for it, you might have had your hearts open at various points, but as it stands that’s it. You can keep a relationship together for a lifetime with your egos, but in my mind that’s still a dead relationship.

As I see it, if you live with an open heart and the person you are dating is living mainly from their ego, making ego choices, you won’t wish to be with them anyway. If on the other hand they live from the heart and they choose to flirt with someone else, then they are not for you, as their heart is not resonating with yours. Of course, some people choose to have their hearts open to everybody, not just socially but also sexually. That’s a choice each individual needs to make and be honest with their partner about.

Now that’s just a metaphor, but I believe it applies to many, many situations in life and in the relationships with all those around us work wise and socially as well. We often hold onto things that don’t ring true because of our ego and let go of others for the same reason. When the ego starts choosing our dates, our work and how we live our day-to-day life, even our family life, things start to jar, we feel fear and the need to control ourselves and others. Our self-confidence may very well drop, because we are going after things that don’t truly resonate with us and hence we create havoc along the way and get rejected, or live successfully but without fulfilment. And when you aren’t fulfilled you feel jealousy towards those who seem to be, sometimes wishing to be like them, whereas truly fulfilment comes from living your heart.

My wish to control situations slowly evaporated as I became aware that the only control I need to exercise is to constantly stay tuned with my heart. That’s something I have to remind myself of daily though.

It has long since been my belief that if I live my bare heart, the right people will connect to it and magic will happen. In other words: be a living expression of your heart and your life will become one too.

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A lot of things happen below the surface, especially if your heart is not worn on the sleeve…

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