Category Archives: relationships

Pour some chocolate sauce on top…

Chocolate sauce is a very useful ingredient. A very indulgent, delicious and useful ingredient. Sometimes I don’t use it very often though. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I had chocolate sauce.

Chocolate sauce, of course has to be of good quality. If you pour bad quality chocolate sauce on something, that something gets ruined. We’ve all had “fake” over the top sweet chocolate sauce made with ingredients that aren’t natural. Terrible.

Now, chocolate sauce is a little bit like compliments: when honest and pure they’re indulgent, sweet and wonderful. They make any friendship blossom, they make lovers see stars and they make random strangers smile like the sun when you pour some on them.

We often take friends and lovers for granted. What we first saw as unique becomes commonplace. We get used to it. As we get used to it, we forget to compliment it. Sometimes we even forget it exists.

Other times we note something as wonderful, but we don’t share it. It doesn’t occur to us to do so. We say we love someone, so why do we have to also tell them they’re kind, we love their cooking, they’ve got the hottest butt, they are great at doing their job, they have the brightest smile…?

I’ve said this many times, but whatever grows stagnant dies. Relationships (as well as we, ourselves, our work, etc.) need to develop to be any good, but they also need to shine. They need to sparkle. And we all sparkle when we receive genuine, true to the heart, compliments.

When you find something you love, pour some sweet, dark, decadent and indulgent chocolate sauce on it. After all, you’re likely the one who gets to taste the chocolate sauce, because most people will let you lick it off… (Which is a metaphor for them being happy and you being around their happiness. In case you were wondering.)

So dear readers, I hereby challenge you to pour chocolate sauce on at least ten people in the coming week…and include some whom you wouldn’t normally pour chocolate sauce on. You’d be surprised to see how even grapefruit people turn into oranges with the right amount of chocolate sauce, but I believe I’m losing track of my metaphors now so it’s time to stop writing…

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Love is a beautiful battle…

A few weeks ago I was having a phone conversation with my best friend. I had flown to Athens to see her and was really looking forward to seeing her, so I was trying to arrange a meeting. She launched into a monologue about what her schedule looked like, that she never came into central Athens during the weekend, or evenings, when I was free, she was so busy and blah, blah, blah.

I had had a shit week, I had PMS and the one thing that kept me going was the idea of alone time, on a beach, or anywhere in nature, with my best friend. As I did have PMS I was struggling with an insane amount of thinking I was unlovable, so by the time I hung up the phone, ready to cry because somehow I had now triggered my best friend into treating me unlovingly as well, I felt like shit.

I knew I had to do two things: I had to tell my best friend she was behaving like a twat and I had to excuse myself for, most likely, trying to provoke her into behaving like a twat. Because if you feel unlovable, you provoke people into doing things to prove you right. And you have to understand, when I have PMS you can tell me I have coffee on my nose and I will think you hate me, or that you are the biggest idiot alive, the world has come to an end and we can all just prepare for doomsday.

So I wrote my best friend a funny message about PMS where I pointed out the above. As it turned out, she had turned around and just yelled at her boyfriend a few hours later and he had calmly picked up the calendar and told her she had PMS.

She had had social demands on her, for a week, so when I told her to come into Athens she lost it, because she had PMS.

I didn’t enjoy messaging my friend to sort out whatever weird “actions” (drama school language for mental as well as physical actions we have towards people) and purposes (drama school language for what our psychological gain is for doing something) we had during that conversation, but my relationship with her is a lot more valuable to me than my discomfort is discomforting.

Which brings me to the next point.

Last night I came home after a long day. I had been rockclimbing the day before (amazing!) and spent all of yesterday out with friends. You see, last week, I decided that it was time for me to do what I love in order to build my spirit and regain my strenght, so as to have strenght to work and get back to the kids after visa hick-up number four. I had an incredbile weekend, but I was physically spent. That’s when I received a message from my baby girl in Cape Town.

As some of you know I help raise a pair of ten-year-old twins and their now one-year-old baby brother in the township and I’ve fought visas and adoption rules for about four years; having known them for five. This journey is the hardest journey I’ve ever had and I’ve been on the brink of emotional collapse more than once.

Last night I got all these messages saying she loves me, the baby has taken his first steps, and then she sent me this crying emoji and I asked her why. She’s like “it’s just the baby ❤ ❤ ❤ ” and I said I wish I was there to hold him and she sent the below picture. Cue me bursting into tears. She even found an image with the right skin tones. I don’t know why that made me more emotional, but it did.

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I had just been thinking of how tired I am. I have spent you don’t want to know how much money setting up a business and going round the world on a visa mission to be with these kids and I’ve messed up my career, my social life and my life in general and I’m beyond exhausted. Sometimes I don’t know how to keep going.

At that moment, all I wanted was a hug. Not from a friend, but from a man. It’s all I’ve wanted since I started helping the kids, because I’ve wanted someone to be there for me. Support me. Not do my job for me, just be there. Just hug me. And it’s the kind of intimacy you’ll never get from a friend, because it feels different. Friends help, but a relationship is intimate on a whole other level.

Yet, a few weeks ago when I was talking to my coach and he was giving me “love goals” I was telling him I didn’t understand how to achieve them, because let’s face it: I might know a gazillion things about relationships, and I might get 800 men swiping right on Tinder in a few weeks (true story, ego hallelujah), but falling in love makes me feel so terribly uncomfortable (unlovable and not good enough) that I spend most of my time trying to become perfect (impossible) and end up giving up on the whole thing because it’s too uncomfortable feeling like I’m not perfect.

This is when my coach told me that he’s seen me with the kids for five years and no matter what life threw me, I didn’t stop. Nothing stopped me.

I remember thinking when gran got senile and I was helping her in the bathroom, that love isn’t pretty, but it is beautiful. Love isn’t easy, but it is worth it. And my childhood didn’t make it easy for me to accept love, instead I strove to be perfect feeling I wasn’t good enough. I’ve often felt my adult life has been a long fight of not giving into the demons of my childhood; a long fight of opening myself up to love and joy and letting go of depression and self-hatred.

The question maybe I should ask myself is this: if my kids and best friend are worth me overcoming my demons, my fears and my discomfort, maybe my own happiness (a.k.a being loved by a man I truly have a connection with) would be worth the same? It’s a question of will.

I’m not perfect. My best friend isn’t perfect. My gran wasn’t perfect. My kids aren’t perfect. But we are all perfectly lovable. And it is perfectly possible to create great relationships. You just wade through the discomfort, is all. Because it is worth it.

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The five levels of attraction…

A long time ago someone who had made spirituality the main focus of his life and who had studied a lot of Gurdjieff told me something about relationships. He told me that attraction happens on five levels: spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical and sexual.

I believe Buddha Bear, as I used to call him, was right. I believe we are attracted to these five different things and for a relationship to work they need to be a match. Not a 100% match, nothing ever is, but high enough.

In the past I used to be scared of ending up with the wrong guy, because, let’s face it: maybe it’s just the physical, sexual and intellectual that’s a match, but if you’re scoring 99% on each of those, you can get a bit blinded. Just a little bit…

Likewise, maybe you have a friend and the spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical are all pretty high up there, but one day you fall into bed with each other and realize that the sexual is really not a match. You’re already emotionally invested, so then what?

What I came to realize over the years is that if it isn’t working on one, or more, of these planes, the attraction fades. You don’t get hurt, your life doesn’t turn into a mess, friendships don’t die, you simply lose interest in more than friendship. The only pain is the void you feel; the void you were hoping to fill with Mister-Who-Didn’t-Turn-Out-Right. It’s a little bit harder to let go of those who were close to being right, because we all have emotional and sexual needs, but that’s about it.

The only time you get hurt is when people don’t communicate, or simply just treat you badly.

When I was younger I did get hurt for other reasons, but that was because I didn’t understand any better and let myself get led astray by one form of attraction or another, thinking that was the real deal, then being horrified when it wasn’t. I also had a tremendous amount of ego thrown into the equation; needing to be liked.

There’s also what I call “false attraction” which is basically being attracted to people who reflect your scars by proving them to be true, as opposed to being attracted to people who reflect your true nture; your heart. It’s part of emotional attraction, but as the story goes you are drawn to those who are where you are at emotionally, so if you haven’t sorted those childhood wounds… In short, being an emotional fit isn’t always a good thing!

Even today I believe the best approach is to take things very slow in the beginning, because I don’t think anyone knows if they’re a fit on all levels when they first meet someone. You don’t need to know. You can just slowly find out. Being a fit doesn’t mean you care for each other, or are emotionally invested in each other, either – that takes time. And there’s more to it than being a fit: you also have to be willing to create a beautiful relationships and build your dreams together. That takes work. Work not everyone’s willing to do and that’s their perrogative – we all have different goals in life.

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The milk and cookies rebound…

We’ve all had one right? A rebound. The restoration shag, or date, or…just about anything goes so long as it’s not Him or Her. It’s like milk and cookies when having a bad day: it restores your mind and heart by giving you a rush. You’re no longer down in the dumps, you’re functioning again. You might even see the rainbow after the rain.

For that reason, I am all pro rebounds. You went from being down in the dumps to functional. Realized there were more people to date than your ex. Marvelous. Or if you were onto the milk and cookies rebound, you found some energy and realized the world wasn’t half as bad as you thought half an hour ago. Again: marvelous.

Restoration shags/dates/cookies, if you so like, are one way of getting out of the dumps and back into the world of the living. The problem (you knew that was coming, didn’t you?)? The problem is that if you’re constantly living your life in reaction to events, you are no longer the captain of your ship (mind and body).

You had a bad day, so you call your friend to go for drinks, to take your mind off the day. That means you aren’t going there to enjoy the company of your friend and the bar; you’re going there to get away from your thoughts about the day. Which means you aren’t likely solving whatever problem is bugging you either.

In other words, what’s your end result for the evening? Moping about your problems, running away from them, or having fun with your friend?

That’s not to say that venting, getting love and encouragement from a friend, or taking your mind off things, isn’t a good idea. It can be a great idea. If that’s what you want to create. If that’s what your heart desires.

The thing is, we do all sorts of shit just because of how we are feeling in the moment. We try to release whatever tension we’re holding around something by doing something else. If what you truly want is to create a relationship with your soulmate, going to a bar to find someone to shag is not going to get you any closer, unless intuitively you know that going to that bar that night will take you closer to your goal.

Rebound techniques are similar to simply unleashing our frustration. Like, you know, wanting to create an amazing relationship with someone, only to yell at them when they say, or do something that hurts you. Do you really think you’ll create what you’d love (an amazing relationship), by trying to hurt them because you feel hurt?

Whether you’re feeling frazzled, or happy, stop. Ask yourself what you’d love to create right now. What would you truly love to create? Then take obvious action.

If you’re feeling lonely one night, then curling up on the couch with a movie and a bucket of ice cream might make you feel better, but what becomes obvious is that you should find something to do where you meet people. Possibly not that night, but for the future. Open Google and do some work on that, then you can have the ice cream and the movie.

Quick fixes are sometimes brilliant solutions as they get you in the right frame of mind for creating what you’d love, but remember that if you want to create long term highs, you need to ask yourself what you’d truly love to create, not just resolve the psychological tension around whatever’s bugging you at the moment.

Aniston and Butler in a photo shoot for W Magazine. Unfortunately there are no cookies in there, but see, I found at least one sexy picture with milk… 

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Do you like whips and chains, or strawberry champagne???

Pastiersky bič

Whips...hearts...it's one big cocktail...

Did you ever think you were whips and chains to find out you are strawberry champagne? Or the other way around? Or maybe both? Did you ever doubt your desires, longings, passions, heart, intuition, love…and search in vain for an answer in the skies? In signs around you? In the treetops? In people’s dear opinions? In travels? In teachings? Only to find that the answer rested within your soul and your heart gently whispered it in your ear? But maybe you were too busy looking at some confusing fact, or telling yourself what should be right, or maybe staring yourself blind at the pretty sunset not daring to leave in search of the dawn you always dreamt of, or listening to some story (or five) you had already made up a year, or ten years ago?

Sometimes we fall in love with the person next door, because they happen to be the person next door. Sometimes we set up a lumber business because our neighbor happened to have a lumber business. Sometimes we, on the contrary, go all the way around the world only to realize that the person next door was the one we wanted and the lumber business was always our true passion…the rest was just a dream, an attraction set up because we ourselves were not fulfilled…basically: the fulfillment we sought in others needed to be found in ourselves for us to be able to see the gift that was always there, right in front of us, or next to us…or somewhere close by…

If we do not fulfill ourselves first, no kick outside of ourselves will ever be fulfilling, but we will keep wanting them (as the last one didn’t solve the problem either…we move onto the next…then the next…the bigger car, the prettier girlfriend…or just the different girlfriend…something new…something else…maybe then…) unless we first find satisfaction in our own heart and soul: then we can find the real deal. The passion, the person, the place…the whatever that complements us, rather than replaces something broken inside.

I believe that it is only when we set ourselves free – when we allow our minds (and sometimes our bodies) to travel all around the world, without fear, completely free of whatever it is we have been telling ourselves, or have been told by others – that we can know what we want.

It’s comfortable for us to know that the person that makes our cup of tea when we get home, cuddles us when we are lovesick, laughs at our jokes and talk to us every day is there every day. It’s uncomfortable knowing it’s not them you have felt the greatest love and respect for, or connected the most with.

It’s equally uncomfortable knowing that the adventure for which you left the person who loved you, was nothing more than a castle in the sand – the real deal, the one made of stone, was the one you had. The one you took for granted. The one that was built on love, rather than excitement. The one that you did not believe in as you did not know yourself – you were the one not ready for the real deal. You were the one still searching for the broken piece of you to get fixed…the one thinking that lay outside you. This was the relationship you should have put the excitement into by being present, loving and wild.

Some invest years in education, or working their way to the top of a company, only to realize that their true passion is something else…something which leads them to start all over from scratch. To finally go on the adventure they always kept locked in their heart. To finally be free. Be who they are.

Yet others leave a company only to find out that it was them, not the company that lacked passion. They needed to rekindle their soul, their love, their passion and come back with a different outlook – a different tactic for dealing with things.

Sometimes things, people, events, businesses are right for a period, sometimes for forever. Life is not at standstill – if we stand still things evolve and we get left to start over on our own and if we evolve, well then things either evolve with us, or we move ahead to new pastures. Even if we fucked up the best ever deal, the best ever relationship, the best ever whatever: if we evolve, soon the best ever will be that much better!!!

It happens ever so often we come to a crossroad – we have been forced to choose. We can choose to ignore the new path that has crossed our way, or we can follow it. And sometimes, the new path is the old path. I had to make that choice in LA – to stay, or to leave – and let me tell you: it was scary. I have no greencard. I have no ticket back. I had to choose. I had to follow my heart. It took me six months to make that choice, even if friends tell me I made it way before then…if so it took me six months to dare to follow that choice. Maybe I needed that. Maybe that was just the preparation to be had. Life threw me a few events that helped solidify my decision. Who knows? All I know is first I had to get to know myself (my stories) and separate heart from illusions…different pulls, different wants, different needs…from that core intuition. And maybe I was wrong…I cannot judge…but it feels right. And that feeling of right makes me feel at peace….free….calm. Makes me…happy.

Home is where the heart is, so is love, business and life. First we find our heart, then we find our home.

Champagne, anyone???…

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Gorgeous you and incredible me…

Cafe in Paris

Who will fill these seats next? Who will share their lives, if so only for a moment?

I was out having coffee with some friends last week. For some reason the meeting entered my mind today and suddenly a beautiful thought hit me: you meet people just to enjoy their company. Maybe that’s obvious, but isn’t it also beautiful? You go somewhere just to sit down and enjoy someone’s presence. To see them smile, to hear their laughter, to listen to their pain, to laugh at their jokes, to get entertained by their stories, to be intrigued by their minds, to share their life…to enjoy them and support them. To get happy for them and try to remove their sorrow from them. It may so be that I am corny, but I think this is absolutely amazing…just to sit there and indulge in someone’s presence…

 

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Hot, naughty nights…let’s steam it up… (…from handcuffs to truth or dare…)

Mike gave me this Valentine gift 45/365

Unlock someone's desires...

There’s a storm brewing…ohhh…light the fire, get the hot chocolate on the stove (and don’t forget the chili!!!)…or maybe popcorn and a movie??? In either case I love the wild wind blowing, the wind chimes singing along and the general sense of…freedom it brings. Fly with the wind…let it bring spice and magic from around the world…you know, how you can get a taste of adventure just by standing in the middle of the storm, knowing it’s traveled very, very far…

Now this whole stormy affair reminds me of a friend asking me what he could do for his girl on Valentine’s (fire, chocolate, hiding under blankets during a storm…classic date night). Here are some ideas…just bear in mind: everyone has different needs and wants (ask and you usually get an answer) and there’s a time and place for everything (but you can always be prepared!). To try to sweep your partner off their feet for a dream date when they have had a lousy day at work and want to sleep…not so good. Above and beyond all: for anything to work your energies have to match. Most of these ideas are maybe not for first, second or third dates…you have to be comfortable with one another and you have to be in love, or willing to fall in love…or at least in bed…with each other!

1) Kidnap someone in a loving way. Blindfold them (well, at least for the last bit of the ride…), tie up their hands with a silk wrap and transport them to a secret love-cation spot. Would be a pro if the spot is very private, sexy and wild. If it is your apartment, please make it lovecation like (clean it up, have the candles ready, the massage oil, the dinner you will cook including desert, the sexy or romantic movies, whatever sexy lingerie you/your date should wear, potential naughty presents, rose petals in bed or handcuffs/toys, or both, depending on what you like…and, oh, the whipped cream!)

2) Have a silent date. Take your loved one to a sacred place in nature somewhere, a cottage, a camping place, or maybe just a long walk. Spend time together communicating without using words. Maybe play with blindfolding too, building trust between the two of you (classic drama school exercise!!).

3) The naughty student/school teacher date. It’s time to explore the subjects of love and sex… Get that polished schoolboy/school girl look and indulge in your favorite topics… Whether you get some interesting books/DVDs to watch together, share what you truly want, or attend seminars/courses (from love languages to tantra), this is a way to expand your knowledge to build a closer relationship…and to grow!!! Besides, secret desires sounds like a pretty yummy subject to me!…

4) Genie in a bottle…you simply promise to do whatever your partner wants you to do…within reason… (They may need a few days to think this through…)

5) Simplicity…a picnic basket…walking barefoot along the beach…watching the sunset…magical.

6) Spoilicious…your partner comes home, the bath is ready, the kettle is on the stove, soon the wine will be corked open, dinner served, a long massage offered…and then…maybe…you should go to bed… (Of course, you can do it all naked, should you wish, or in a flowy summer’s dress, or in leather…whatever tickles your taste buds….)

7) Tickling tastebuds….feed someone dinner in bed, maybe blindfold them, maybe don’t…food orgie…or something…

8.s.) The photography/drawing session…(yes, I stole this from Titanic…Leo makes lasting impressions…) You could go to a professional photographer to get romantic, or erotic photos of the two of you, or you can take photos of each other. Or do nude/half-dressed paintings of one another. I dabble in photography all the time, so I love catching people on film, or drawing their portraits, because it is an intimate affair – you get to know someone through their face and body, but of course, not everyone like this… (And uh, lock up the negatives…just in case…)

9) Together plan the most erotic trip you could ever imagine…I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure you do…

10) Have a box where you both put notes of what dates you’d love…and then pick one ever so often.

11) Buy someone a parcel filled with naughty goodies…and put it to good use!

12) There is, in a sense, nothing more romantic than getting to know someone…to have a day where you spend the whole day asking each other questions about life, about your dreams, desires, fears, inhibitions…where you bond mentally is amazing. Even if you think you know someone: think again. Pick up a game that is all about asking questions, if you can’t think of any. Or google it…lol! And then maybe continue to explore each others bodies…do dancing together, whether alone or in a class…and of course, kiss, or touch every square millimeter of each other…

13) The letter date…for a week avoid seeing your partner and instead send him/her letters, or emails, about all your innermost thoughts, what you love about them (yes, truly, we all want to hear it) and what you would love to do together with them (and I mean naughty…real naughty…or romantic…)… (And if you really hate writing, leave voice mails.)

14) Explore areas of life together, or build something together…developing together is one of the most rewarding things one can do as friends, or lovers. Whether you attend yoga, or ceramics class together, start a company or go on a spiritual journey, rebuild a house in the French countryside (ahem) or cook a meal, go back-packing or on a road trip (if the man wants to visit all the famous football arenas and the woman the famous theaters…well, do a deal)…life is yours to create together. It is when we lose track of each other that we grow apart. To evolve and feel like you grow is important. To build something is amazing. To do it together divine. (Remember to share as you go along as well: to have an open heart and tell each other what you learnt, what you find difficult, what you enjoy, etc. To really share leads to feeling more bonded, more close to one another. And to have the freedom to say what you want, knowing you will be heard and understood is often vital. So is telling your partner that today you really have nothing to say, or want to spend time alone.)

15) The laughter date. Comedy night, comedy movie, paintball, mud fights, buying clothes for each other at a second-hand shop (found the second-hand idea online, simply brilliant!!!)…any silly thing that springs to mind…so long as it’s funny…and you can always end it with a pillow/shaving foam/bubble bath/flour/chocolate fight…you could even do it naked!…

16) The simple things in life…have a bottle of vino and make love in front of the fireplace, go to the outlook post like teenagers and make out in the car, sit in the hot tub and tell dirty stories, read out loud…poetry or erotica…your pick, show up with lunch at someone’s work…naked underneath the coat…or just for a romantic moment fully clothed, have a picnic in the garden, take the car and drive to a cheap motel, wander the streets of Venice under the full moon, go on sexcation in Paris, sneak a romantic note to someone at breakfast telling them what you will do for dinner, do the classic dinner and movies night, get dressed up to your teeth to go out at a fancy bar, whisper naughty things in someone’s ear during the very stuck up date/party you are on, take a bottle of wine to the beach, surprise someone with their favorite meal, dance naked under the moon, whisper secrets in each others’ ears as you watch the stars twinkle at night……

17) Someone brings the ingredients, you cook it together….you can always add some extra…saucy ingredients in the mix, which have nothing to do with cooking…and you have the added benefit of being able to do it in your underwear…

18) The horror movie night…says it all: gasp, scream and jump into his arms…only I would refuse any such childish behavior…he better take me to the woods for that…

19) Watch a game. Come on…every girl must like at least one game…at least once??? Confession: I would really love that cheesy: go see a basketball game and eat a veggie dog date…cuz I grew up on American movies…

20) The Burlesque/Striptease…doesn’t require description really…make it funny, or naughty, or nice…or just attend a burlesque night, or stripclub together…

21) Breakfast in bed…classic…whether served with roses, feathers, or simply love!

22) For Easter, fill their egg with something…interesting…and a lot of aphrodisiacs too…then at dawn, the magic hour of Easter, you can open it together…or simply make up your own Easter game…

23) Skinny dipping… (steams and saunas rank pretty hot too)

24) Invent a game…then play it…the rules are up to you…and so are the tools…

25) Visit a ranch…then get on a horse together and ride off into the sunset…

26) Hot tub…no further comments…

27) Build a sand castle together…and share all your childhood dreams…

28) Volunteer together for a day…

29) Spend the evening telling your special someone you love them, in a way they would understand…

30) Show someone all your fav spots in the city, or take them to their’s…have a surprise ready at each one, or just enjoy them for what they are…

31) Striptease card games…whenever your partner wins a point s/he gets to take off a piece of your clothing…or complimenting you…or telling you their secret desires…and you may just have to fulfill them…

32) The Booty Call…or text naughtiness…in either way: you leave a message saying what you will do when they get home (whether that be naughty, or nice)…then you wait…

33) How would you like to be pampered today? Sometimes a good question gets the best answers…

34) Get a box of chocolates…wrap each individual chocolate in a note saying something romantic, or naughty, or be like a game of dares, questions, confessions, romantic treats…what have you…

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