Category Archives: Self-confidence

You’re fucking A…

You have a beautiful soul. No matter what filthy mess you’ve gotten yourself into. No matter what financial mess you’ve created. No matter how much you fucked up with your spouse, the kids, the parents…you have a beautiful soul. It’s still in there. So stop beating yourself up and start living from that space instead.

No matter how many hours, days, weeks, or years, you’ve wasted messing yourself and/or your life and/or the people around you up, you can live a good life. Great life. Because you’re fucking A. Your soul is brilliantly beautiful and bloody marvelous. And you know it, don’t you?

We all know it.

Our own self-perception is weird, isn’t it? I keep thinking about what a mess my life is. It doesn’t matter how high up the ladder I climb, how kind people tell me I am, how many people I’ve helped…I keep looking at certain things thinking I’m an effing mess because I should be further along, or so I tell myself. Mess is my word of choice. I’m sure you have your own.

You can just live. This moment is all you have. And it’s your gift from up yonder. Yet, most of us have a measuring stick we are looking to, to check if we’re using this moment as we should. But what we really should is see it as a gift and live it as we want.

Maybe it’s just the other perfectionists and I who have that measuring stick. It’s natural that you know what’s good for your life and bad for your life. If you’re spending this moment robbing someone…well, it’s not going to serve you, or them. But if you are simply sitting there wondering if you achieved enough today, was good enough today, created enough today…then it’s time to shut up and start living instead of worrying. Enjoy yourself for F’s sake. Make use of this godly gift called life.

You know that one person who truly cares for your–the friend who loves you, the lover who treasured you, the child who adores you, the person who can’t wait to work with you again–maybe you should start seeing yourself through their eyes. Instead of thinking you aren’t worthy of their love and appreciation, act as a person who are. Accept that they see greatness in you, start seeing greatness in yourself and start acting as a person who is great.

And now I’m going to stop sulking about feeling behind in schedule and have a dose of I-love-myself-coffee. And possibly an Oreo cookie.

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde

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Filed under achievement, confidence, diary, Musings, perfectionism, self help, Self-confidence, Self-esteem, Self-help, Thoughts

The fire within…

It doesn’t interest me what you’ve done wrong. What your sins, or twisted thoughts are. I don’t care if you’ve been to jail, or been involved with a gang. We’ve all made mistakes. All desired the wrong things. All fucked up miserably. At some point, we’ve all failed. Simply because we walked into life backwards somehow. Got the wrong end of the dick stick. Were conditioned to do things that didn’t serve ourselves and others. We were turned sour by life. 

And it doesn’t interest me what drugs you’ve taken to cope with it, or how much sex you’ve had to get through it. I don’t care if you’ve tried killing yourself, or ate till you couldn’t move. I don’t give a damn. So you weren’t given an instruction manual for life. None of us were. We all tried coping in different ways; some more successful than others. 

No, what interests me is what’s inside your soul. What makes you smile, even when no one is watching. What makes your heart come alive with wonder and your eyes widen in amazement. I want to know what turns you on in life; what quickens your heartbeat and sends shivers down your spine. 

I want to know your capacity for loving; how much love you have for your favorite passions and how much love you can give to another human. I want to see your willingness to serve another soul.

I want to know how much you’re willing to sacrifice to do the right thing. But I also want to know you don’t sacrifice so much you’re left wounded. 

I want to see your soul, naked and beautiful. 

I want to hear your heart beating with love. 

I want to know that the passion within you is still there. And I want to see it awaken, like a spark turning into a fire. I want to see you set ablaze. I want to see you burn with the beauty of all that you are. 

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde

P.S. This post was inspired by Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation (as seen to the left on this page…while I don’t agree with all of it, most of that poem is brilliant), just as For my lover: an invitation… was.

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Filed under Inspiration, Inspirational, Love, Motivation, Self-confidence, Self-esteem, Self-help, self-worth, Soul, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Naked thoughts on creativity, depression…and dancing in the dark…

heartbeats at midnight

the silence

apart from that heartbeat

and deep, slow breaths 

in and out

the feeling

of your skin

secret crevices

wrinkles

filled with stardust

and other inexplicable beauty

a weird sensation

of something

nothing

everything 

moonshine

sparkling through the window

time

dancing by 

like a twinkling melody

invisible wires

connections

made of starlight 

running through us 

connecting us

to each other

and the great beyond 

as we are just  the dust 

left behind

from an explosion 

nothing 

everything 

us

You know, as a creative you’re always looking for the next big idea. The next burst of inspiration. Sadly, as a creative, when you’re not working on that big idea, or aren’t high on a burst of inspiration, you’re often caught in your own head.

I’ve learned to redirect my thoughts. It’s been a lifetime commitment of overcoming depression. Still. I have my moments. That’s why I’ve had to learn that when they hit, I need to move my ass. Get my mind engaged in something else. Usually something creative — paint, dance, write… And fill my life with human connections. Which has been hard for someone who grew up with social paranoias. But I’ve learned. I’ve forced myself to go out when I don’t want to. When I feel like a sad mess and am ashamed of my own life. When I’m petrified of what people will think of me. Because that was my problem as a child — I was ashamed of myself. And that still hits at times. And my gut reaction is to remove myself from the world. Hide away. Which only makes it worse, because you sit there reveling in your own thoughts, instead of changing them into something positive. Productive. Something which engages you in life and makes you smile. It’s pretty simple really. It just doesn’t feel that way when you’re sitting there paralyzed by fear. So as Audrey Hepburn would say — put your lipstick on and pull yourself together. Get the high heels out the cupboard. Get your ass out that door. 

Still, yesterday, I felt depleted. Frustrated. And I was getting annoyed with myself.    

Then I saw this guy. Biking. Down Somerset Road. He had muscles. He had style. He was hot as hell. And I caught myself raising my eyebrows. Then I started laughing. It was that moment. That moment that starts a romantic comedy. And I wanted to write. That comedy. A spark had been ignited.  

This was after a day of listening to Amy MacDonald’s Dancing in the Dark. Written by Bruce Springsteen after his producer or something told him one night that he had to write another song for his next album. He yelled he’d already written 71 songs. Then he went to the hotel room and banged this out over night. It became one of the most popular songs of all time. 

I know that feeling. That feeling of having someone standing over you with a stick, waiting for your creative juices to flow. Bizarrely, I love it. Even the anger I feel when they tell me they need more. Need something different. When you’re bleeding out the last of your creative juices, but you keep working. Keep creating. 

Sometimes when you go home, you feel like shit. Because your personal life had some sort of hiccup, or you were forced to do work that wasn’t creative at all that day. Or year. Take your pick. But your creativity — you have that. That spark. That something. That thing that makes you light your own fire. 

So this afternoon I’m gonna dance. I’m gonna feel my own body again. I’m gonna live. I’m gonna light that fire. 

You’re beautiful, remember that. You have a spark inside of you. A fire. A fire that connects you to all living beings. Because you are the Universe. You are stardust come alive.

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Filed under confidence, depression, diary, Musings, Poem, poetry, Self-confidence, Uncategorized

Not tonight, darling…

Ever heard that one? I have a headache. I am tired. I’d rather watch Netflix. My pinkie hurts. My boss is doing my head in, so I can’t relax. Take your pick.

In real life, it’s usually more along the lines of: “I don’t feel like it.” Or: “I can’t be bothered.” Or: “I have no inspiration.”

You know what? To get inspired you first have to start. It’s not like anything turns itself on by itself. Right…

One of the rules of magic, according to William Whitecloud and co. is “Engage your will.” If you don’t engage your will, you’ll sit on your ass doing nothing. Hence, life will be pretty boring. Not to mention: depressing. If you sit alone all day wiggling your toes, sooner or later, you’ll end up thinking miserable thoughts. It’s like ahving a one-on-one with your inner demons. Which is why Jesus spent 40 days and nights in the desert. But that’s 40 days and nights to face yourself and move through and beyond your pain and demons. After that, you need physical and intellectual stimulation. Love. Companionship. Joy. Laughter.

Sometimes, it’s not because we’re lazy we don’t move our butts. It’s because we’re scared.

Imagine someone scared of heights living in a place like Australia. To get to another country, they’d have to use a boat, or a plane. Let’s say they get seasick. A plane is the only option. Unless they get over themselves, they’ll never see the rest of the world. They’ll never sip coffees in Paris, have tantra classes with the hippies in San Francisco, party in LA, check out the jungle in Mexico, see the Northern lights in Finland, or do any of those other cool things one can only do in certain places.

To someone not scared of heights, this doesn’t make sense. But fear is a very real thing, even if it’s completely imaginary.

Let’s say you know that it’s possible to overcome fear though, because you’ve done it. You’ve done it and you know how amazing it is to be on the other side. So you try to convince the other person to try it.

The problem? Most people also fear change. Or they fear the pain they may encounter overcoming their fear. Or they fear the effort it will take to overcome the fear. Or they fear they can’t do it and if they try they will prove that. Or they fear the happiness they may encounter as they don’t think they deserve it (see Your inner dominatrix… for more on that). Or they don’t want to face the emotions they’ll have once they get to the other side of the fear and realize they’ve wasted 30 years being afraid of something. Of course, that’s silly as they can just focus on the next 30 years and be grateful. But our minds work in silly ways.

Let’s have a look at an example of fear. I used to be scared of rejection. So let’s have a look at rejection. 

If you fear rejection, you won’t go on a date, because you’re too scared being rejected. Or you won’t talk to people, because you’re too scared being rejected. Or you won’t say what you want, because you’re too scared of rejection. Or you won’t apply for a job, because you’re too scared being rejected. It depends on your type of rejection fear. 

Now, rejection happens to everyone. Sadly, no one in kindergarten informed us that five out of ten people will give us a hard time. If you want to make friends with five people, prepare to be rejected by another five. Sometimes even more. 

Because no one told us about this, we take rejection personally. We end up thinking we’re not good enough, or some other such thing. We get wounded. It hurts. We don’t want to hurt. So we hide away, or become bullies, or we become aloof, or sit alone and eat lots of candy, or do some other such thing, depending on what strikes us as a good idea at the time. 

Basically, we put a plaster on top. But the plaster a) doesn’t allow for the wound to heal b) keep other people at bay — it’s a defense. Now, because we have a wound, every time someone as much as hints at rejecting us, it hurts more than if we didn’t have a wound. And with every hurt, the wound becomes bigger. 

The plaster (defense) will further add to our sense of rejection because other people, or at least the right kind of people, usually don’t get close to those who are shy, bullies, or aloof. So we become a self-fulfilling prophecy on top of everything else.

To find friends, lovers, great work opportunities, etc. we will need to handle rejection. It will hurt a little bit, but the treasure is worth it. 

It’s kind of like getting off our asses and going for that run, cleaning the house, or showing up for work: it will take some effort (pain) but it’s worth it. Because it makes us feel good. 

I don’t know what it is you’re avoiding doing in your life that’d make you feel good. Maybe you’re avoiding it because of fear. Maybe you’re avoiding it because you don’t think you’re worth it (you need to suffer to atone to some past mistake of yours). Maybe you’re avoiding it because you think the effort is too much. 

I’m here to tell you it’s worth it. Because whoever said life begins outside your comfort zone was damn right. It does. The real life. The one worth the effort. The one that will make you see stars. 

I mean just think about first time sex. The fear. The panic about getting it wrong. The knowledge that you don’t have a clue about what you’re doing. The fear of asking for what you want and doing what you want because of the possible embarrassment if the other person disagrees. The potential rejection. And then think about getting over yourself. And practicing. And doing what you want. Asking for what you want. Little, by litte. And in the end actually having good sex. And you’re worth it. You just have to claim it.

So, darlings, I’m telling you: orgasms are on the other side of your comfort zone. Enjoy.

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926735621605/

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Filed under depression, diary, emotions, Fear, Inspiration, life lessons, Love, Motivation, Musings, overcoming fears, relationships, Self-confidence, Self-esteem, self-worth, Thoughts

Getting naked with Socrates…

I’ve been working on copy related to researching ancient history and wisdom lately. This spurs thoughts. Thoughts and I are like a runaway train — once I get going, I keep moving. Which is why I’m spewing out blogs at an unnatural rate for someone who really doesn’t have much time for blogging. It’s also due to a lot of events, trauma and emotional upheaval in the past couple of months, as well as meetings spurring thought. You can’t always spew your thoughts out at the poor people who instigated them. But I tend to chew over what people say. Particularly if it relates to a problem. And I have to unload somewhere. This is my unloading place. The place where I dump my thoughts. Sometimes unceremoniously, sometimes with a lot of bravado. I like entertainment, after all. Which is why I apply outrageous headlines and a lot of humor from time to time.

So this time it’s about Socrates. He asked questions. I’ve been thinking about that lately as someone told me they don’t like taking direction. Good philosophers, psychologists, coaches and leaders ask questions. They let people reach their own conclusions. Often they may guide them towards answers, rather than asking questions they have no clue where they will lead, but still: they ask questions.

Since I was a kid, I’d analyze people. Whether intuitively, intellectually, or both. Then I’d randomly blurt out my conclusions: often a pain point and its potential solution.

Then I studied acting and directing: I learned to break down scripts so as to figure out the thoughts behind the characters’ actions. From there I learned to break down the characters so as to be able to recreate their pasts that had led to these thoughts.

Through all of this I learned not just to understand others, but to understand myself. I understood the thoughts we think, where they come from and why we think them. Hence, I came to understand why I have the emotions I have. It’s due to my thoughts. However, it did not teach me how to change them. Not really.

While awareness tends to lead to a level of change, it doesn’t change everything. Being aware of a destructive pattern AND why you formed it, isn’t necessarily enough to change it.

You have to be willing to face yourself and the pain that comes with that to create change, but while that may help you let go of some things, it doesn’t change everything. Until you face something, you keep it bottled up. That means it’s still there. People are scared of facing pain, but by suppressing it they actually cause so much more pain, because they don’t let it go.

I always imagine this as a house: if something bad happens you let in a storm wind. You can try and contain that wind in one room by locking it in. Preferably far away from you, so maybe in the basement. But the wind is still rattling around in there. If you open the door to the basement and then to the garden, you’ll face the wind, you’ll feel its destructive force, but then it is released. It’s gone.

On the flip side of the coin, some people get stuck and revel in their own past/pain and, thus, also get stuck in it.

The thing is, releasing pain isn’t always enough. Because it’s usually attached to a coping mechanism that causes havoc. For example, when I get stressed I read, or binge watch netflix to escape from my own thoughts, but when I wake up the next day I have even more stress because instead of dealing with my to-do list, I was lost in a story.

If I’d taken ten minutes to meditate, or go for a walk, to deal with my stress and then tackled the to-do list, I’d been much further along and had LESS stress the next day.

In other words, you have to replace a dysfunctioning pattern with a functioning one. Let’s say someone overeats. They face the pain that is causing them to choose unhealthy and too much food to numb their pain. They’re willing to let go of their pain. But if they have no idea of what healthy foods are, or how to eat healthily (such as eating before your blood sugar tanks), they may very well not function properly anyway.

Plus, even if you let go of pain, stress, or whatever else is causing you inner turmoil, you’ll always face it again. And either you’ll relapse into the dysfunctional pattern to relieve your anguish, or you’ll use another one.

As Russell Brand said in his book Recovery: someone told him heroin saved his life. It was his coping mechanism. But it was a coping mechanism that was killing him, as well as destroying his social life, finances and work. Dealing with whatever made him use heroin in the first place AND finding better coping mechanisms led to him becoming clean. And as he also said: if a heroin addict can do it, so can you. That gave me hope. Because we all have unhealthy patterns, be it around finances, eating, drinking, work, exercise, relationships, or whatever else it may be.

My point though, is that my sterile approach in the past of serving people uncomfortable truths doesn’t work, beyond a possible wakeup call. You have to direct them towards something else. And love is the bridge to that.

Alan Kazdin, of the Yale Parenting Center, has, through studies around the world, come to the conclusion that punishment does little to facilitate change. Disregarding bad behavior, or giving someone a small consequence, while paying a lot of attention to and encouraging good behavior, leads to the biggest changes in a child. He even does things like workshopping tantrums. If a child throws severe tantrums, hitting adults, etc. he workshops the child through tantrums where it doesn’t hit, then praises that. He replaces one behavior with another and the bridge is love and encouragement from the parent. Once you’ve locked down having a “normal” tantrum, you can move onto having less of a tantrum, no tantrum and doing really well.

You replace one dysfunctional coping mechanism with a less dysfunctional coping mechanism until you can get to a great coping mechanism. One that actually helps you face the real problem. Such as how to handle distress.

Positive reenforcement has been used with great results on addicts, as well as in the workplace. It makes sense. When people resent you, they’re not very willing to do something that pleases you. The more you nag, punish and degrade, the less they will be willing to do what you want them to do. Also, the more you look down on them and punish them, the more you encourage their self-hatred and destructive patterns.

Actions have consequences. That needs to be shown. But giving attention to negative behavior and punishing it does not change the behavior.

Knowing this doesn’t always mean you can implement it. I failed in my own home. I raise a child on the autism spectrum who has PDA. He’s violent. He’s abusive. I was at the point where I was spending money I didn’t have to have nannies 24/7 as it wasn’t possible to be alone with him. And I was furious with myself because I reacted to his behavior, but imagine waking up to a child who is verbally and physically abusive 50% of the time and you never know when you’ll be hit next. And I didn’t have a controlled environment. He started attaching the neighbors children, his siblings, the dogs, the furniture and me.

When my child’s anxiety kicks in, and it’s been high lately, he tries to control his environment with violence. This is a destructive coping mechanism. PDA lends itself to this kind of aggressive behavior, but he was further raised in a house with his biological family where there was domestic violence and so his behavior is on another level.

I’ve now had to temporarily place him with his grandmother and a number of other people living in that household, and put professionals in place on top of the psychologists to try to help him to the point where it’s possible to have him at home again. This isn’t ideal, but neither I, nor his siblings, could live in fear anymore. Understanding and therefore loving someone doesn’t mean you can handle their abuse, or control your own emotions when subjected to it. And I’ve been all over looking for help from social services, schools, therapists…the list goes on. I wanted a controlled environment for him where Kazdin’s methods could be implemented but I can’t find one. And I’m out of money for having nannies 24/7 and even with that in place the situation was horrible. When I had a stomach bug and fever last weekend the toddler concerned asked me if his brother had “broken my head,” because of the violence. He had already moved to his grandmother at this point, but that alone was a horrifying thing to hear a toddler say.

I’ve had hell with the situation at home and I’ve felt ashamed about it too. I was caught in a catch 22 where we I couldn’t give up on the child, nor expose myself or his siblings to abuse. Plus not having the finances to, you know, ship Alan Kazdin over. In the end myself, his nannies and psychologist worked out a plan forward. I do think it’s important to talk about these things. Because what I experienced at home with a child, some experience with an adult.

This kind of coping mechanism (trying to control your environment using violence) is different from coping mechanisms to deal with inner pain from past trauma, current emotional stress, etc. in that it is a form of manipulation. This person isn’t just trying to handle their inner distress, but the distress they feel relating to people. Other coping mechanisms related to controlling relationships might be anger, extreme helplessness, crying hysterically, bullying, hiding away, pleasing, or threats to leave or stop loving someone. None is healthy. Expressing how you feel and learning to also see past your emotions, is a lot healthier. For example, my child fears not being loved to the point where he can’t handle any attention given to any other child. But he is loved. His emotions, based on his interpretations of past and present experiences, are telling him he isn’t though. And he acts on those emotions. They aren’t real, but he thinks they are. He’s created a world where he thinks he’s unloved and does anything to prove it to be true. 

Till this day I still have a hard time not telling people what their thoughts are, why they’re acting the way they’re doing, and to sort their shit out. Or what their patterns and coping mechanisms are and to sort their shit out. But it doesn’t work beyond the initial wakeup call. For some that might be enough, just as being thrown in a prison cell may be enough to wake someone up. But as Socrates discovered so long ago, you often get further by asking questions than spelling things out. And as Kazdin discovered, behavior isn’t changed by telling someone what’s wrong, but by showing them what’s right. By encouraging them and making them feel good doing the right thing. This, in turn, will help them love themselves, which I think, really, is the cornerstone of great behavioral patterns. Because once you love yourself, you act in ways that serve you and others. 

Speaking of which: most forms of depression spring from an obsession with self; an obsession with some dysfunctional, or painful part of self. Once we stop thinking about ourselves and only focus on serving others, we forget to be depressed, because we aren’t obsessing about what we should achieve, or what others think about us. We’re too busy helping someone else. That’s another way, I suppose, of changing behavior. 

For that matter, this blog is a coping mechanism for me to deal with my thoughts and emotions and I think it’s distracted me enough from work this week. It’s starting to move towards being dysfunctional. 

On that note my darlings, it’s time to stop writing. 

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Filed under addiction, addictions, autism, autism spectrum, Behavior, drug addiction, Parenting, pathological demand avoidance disorder, pda, positive reenforcement, Psychology, Self-confidence, Self-esteem, Self-help, self-worth, Uncategorized

This doesn’t need a sexy headline…

Jules Cheret, Moulin Rouge, 1890 Art Nouveau p...

Spectacle magnifique...

So here’s a real confession and maybe I shouldn’t blog about this because it feels way too personal and real and painful and embarassing…but the truth is that I swore to share how I feel, so that others could stop being afraid of how they feel and dare to be themselves. So here’s me, being myself. And maybe I’ve said it all before in different ways, but sometimes things hit you straight in the face and…feels more real, more tangible than before…and much, much more silly…

You know when you feel small and insignificant and silly and stupid? Like when the guy you thought was Mr Right starts flirting with the girl to your left? Mhm. And you want to cry. You feel trampled upon, angry, sad, furious…but if you are anything like me, you choose a pair of heels that are one inch higher, a skirt that is one inch shorter, you nail the business deal, you walk with swagger and you make sure you outdo yourself in just about everything. Suddenly you are confidence itself: your voice is louder, your jokes funnier and you look better than you did age 16. You seek attention and you get it. You lap it up like a cat laps up cream. You are licking your wounds, trying to stop them from bleeding and the praise from others sort of cover the worst of it. Works as some sort of band-aid, but the wound is still there. So you make your shell a bit tougher to protect it. And through it all you may gain some more confidence, because your skills grow. You become more comfortable being you, because you are determined to kick ass – to create something for yourself. You may even move beyond that to realize that you are fine no matter what – so if the world falls on your head and you amount to nothing in this life, you will survive and you will laugh. You are happy. You let go of everything and suddenly, as if by magic, you make great friends, business blossoms and it all seems to come together effortlessly, but your heart, when it comes to love, is closed. You date people who either aren’t interested, or aren’t interesting to you, or have their hearts as closed as yours. You have blossomed into the person you always wanted to be, but your heart…your heart is crying for your attention. As soon as it senses love, feelings for someone, you tell it to shut up and you get ready to fight; to prove something… The area around the heart has grown tough and hard, rather than warm and open. When you date you try to prove your worth instead of your love. Your love you do not wish to show to anyone, because what if? What if they won’t like you? What if your love is like this sticky nasty thing that they just feel suffocated by? What if you can’t be loved? What if you are just like doomed not to be loved? Maybe you can be sexy and gorgeous and hot and great to everyone, but the ones you love? Maybe you totally lose confidence when it comes to love? Like you were fine up until that moment. You really felt you lived a magical, wonderful life, as the happiest most confident cat in the block no matter what and then…one look and you lose it all. Or one feeling, should I say. One intense, true feeling and you are reduced to a heap on the floor. An unsexy doormat. A shivering piece of jelly. And of course you picked a guy who wasn’t interested in supporting you, loving you till you recover and walk with swagger. He wanted the confident cocky little thing he met on the first date. And to cover up the jelly like doormat feeling inside you put on the whole charade, the whole show all over again…and the show would be REAL and true to you, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was fueled by fear…because it really is you and you really do love it all, it’s just your intentions behind it aren’t free…clean, fueled by love, what have you. You aren’t doing it with an open heart. You use little tricks to impress instead of sharing your joy, your heart. And what if those people you date only want that A-list something instead of your heart? That vulnerable soft thing inside that really aches? What if they knew all your fears and paranoias and your bad moments and your bad breath and the fact that you aren’t always the hottest, smartest, funniest person on the planet? What then? Would they still love you? Or did you maybe attract the ones that only wanted what you showed off as that was what they were looking for and not that soft spot inside that actually is very warm and loving and caring and extremely…gooey? Like lovey dovey romantic silly? Maybe that Agent Provocateur thing was just a cover and the real you is more like a crazy burlesque show at the Moulin Rouge, with an added twist of magic? Maybe you aren’t a sharp business woman, but rather a dreamy artist who loves business? Maybe you are just you and that you is aching to come out? And maybe instead of wanting a nicer dress, a higher paying job, a fitter body and a new sex trick, you’d want to open the doors to your heart and just dare to be? As you are…loving…open…soft…

Truth is: I am what I am and no matter what skills I acquire  and how good I get at something, I will always be me. Either you love me as much when I’m lying in bed and shaking from fever as you do when I stand on stage in a mini-skirt, cracking jokes, or you don’t love me at all.

My heart is gonna get to run free from now on. I’ve treated it bad enough through the years. From now on it will be allowed to love as much as it pleases. It will be allowed to sing for joy for no reason. To shiver from sorrow and break when it gets hammered upon. It will be fine, because as long as I allow it to love, it will always heal. It will always feel good by the end of the day when there is love flowing freely, even when it’s aching.

Hearts were made to love. To make love. To give love. To love endlessly and forever. It really is that simple and frightening…and liberating and healing and joyous and wonderful…and loving… Here’s to our hearts!!!

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Filed under Courage, Fear, Freedom, Heart, Inspiration, Joy, Life, Love, Motivation, Personal Development, Psychology, Self, Self-confidence, Self-help, Uncategorized

Beautiful you…

I love flowers

Dare to stick your neck out...into the flower field...

Knock, knock, who’s in there? Will you come out? Will you show me the beautiful you? Will you share your love and laughter with the world today? Hiding in the shadows doesn’t bring much light to your eyes. Walking in the sunshine makes your skin sparkle and your eyes twinkle with delight.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been a master at hiding. Since age nine, or so, I remember walking in roundabout ways to avoid people I thought would rather not see me. I remember locking myself into my room to avoid my step family. I remember looking down when a cute guy passed my path in fear of rejection. I remember feeling like a burden; an unwanted piece of something, that was better off hiding so as not to disturb others.

To this day I sometimes still retract; hide in a corner. Frightened that my company is unwanted; a burden on someone else. I don’t dare to open up and show the beauty that is me. I don’t dare to give.

If you aren’t sharing the light that is truly you. If you aren’t showing off your talents, your smile, your gorgeous, gorgeous laughter, you are doing the world, not to mention yourself, a disfavor.

The world is not here to judge you – the world is here to love you.  The world is not here to put you down – the world is here to enjoy you. The world is not here to punch you in the face – the world is here to fall in love with you. You see though, the tricky thing is for the world to enjoy you, they have to see you. For the world to receive your gifts, you have to give them. For the world to laugh at your jokes, you have to tell them. For the world to hear your stories, you have to share them. For the world to fall in love with you, you have to fall in love with the world.

And if you want for someone else to open, you have to love them open. Like a flower opens to the sun, humans open to love. That doesn’t mean there can’t be boundaries and discipline and telling someone right from wrong, that too is love, but without love all is empty. Without love we all close up. And so, you also have to love yourself open, so that you can see the beautiful you. So that the world gets a chance to enjoy you and you get a chance to enjoy the world.

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Giggles and laughter…

I was jumping on our rebounder yesterday, watching the lights of LA glistening in the distance, stars sparkling and the moon casting its light over the city….I couldn’t help but giggle….it’s such a joyeous thing to do!

It’s those moments of childish joy and beauty I treasure maybe more than almost anything else (apart from cuddles and loved ones)…when you feel free, uninhibited, dancing with life…when you do not let fears or desires control you, or try to control yourself, but rather throw yourself into the moment with an open heart.

If you only live once…or even twice…or three times…you might as well laugh whilst at it!!!!

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If you ever…this is for you… (to the unsung heroes of bad first time sex…)

Congressional Gold Medal awarded to Navajo Cod...

Congrats!!

Did you ever have bad first time sex? Or spilled a drink on the first date? Did you ever fail an exam? Or got fired? Did you ever screw up? Then this one is for you…

I think we deserve gold medals for the disasters we have endured. Everyone who makes it to the top gets praise, but isn’t it when we are at the bottom that we need some motivation? Someone telling us that we are gold worthy? The fact that we managed to survive whatever trauma (like spilling coffee all over the potential to-be boss’ Armani suit) makes us gold worthy in an instant. Last time I went for an interview, someone complimented my high heels just as I got caught up in them. I literally stumbled whilst saying “Thank you.” Not to mention first time sex…ever tried getting stuck in mousetraps? And that was probably the best first time sex I ever had…I’m a natural disaster. If first impressions last I’m doomed to becomming a spinister unless I start preaching no sex before marriage.

It’s so easy to praise people who do well and they sure as hell deserve the praise, but so do all of us that are trying to sort out one area, or other, of our lives. Maybe you need to hear that you shouldn’t make that same mistake again (do not walk into a dark room when there are mousetraps lying around), but what you need is faith that next time you will do better and that you have the capacity to do just that. That you are a shining star. To hear that you are an idiot, whom should have known better and that these patterns of not thinking before you act really are so harming your life and shouldn’t you have learnt by now…well, that just crushes your spirits.

Sometimes I want to escape some areas of my life. Like my love life. I don’t have a smashing past. But as soon as I think about that, it reinforces it. To change my present, I need to change my thoughts around it. I am not addicted to players…I am addicted to loving, caring men, who truly love me and show up for me. I have a great heart, that will know when the right men arrive. I have faith in my innate knowledge to know whom to trust.

They say a tiger doesn’t change its stripes, but I have changed mine a hundred times, or more, only because I started believing I was someone else and acting from that place. I had a belief I was that person. I had a belief I deserved to be that person.

You have to find that place inside of you, that healthy place, where you are whom you want to be and act from that place. Not from a place of lack, or fear, but from a place of abundance. Of joy. Of love. Of faith.

The best gift you can give someone is faith in themselves. An ability to love themselves. So go on then: sprinkle some praise on the peeps in your life. It doesn’t cost a dime, but it breeds miracles.

This is for the unsung heroes of everyday life. Those of us who fight, but don’t always win. Those of us that need a hug, a cuddle, a sprinkle of love and a sincere belief that we can do what we most wish to do. That we have the capability to be whom we choose. Let’s face it: if you survived all that, you are destined for greatness, because you are already a hero, a survivor of the fight.

P.S. Hey, by the way, I like you for all the smiles you’ve shared and all the joy you’ve brought to this world.

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The Dalai Lama…

Gendun Drup, 1st Dalai Lama

Image via Wikipedia

“We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.” – Dalai Lama. I think the man has a point (no, really? The Dalai Lama???…) We grow our businesses, we grow our social networks, we grow our bank accounts…but do we grow our affection for friends, family and lovers? Do we sit down to think about how we can build our relationships? How we need to be loved? How we can love more?

“I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.” I have said this before, but when our focus shifts from what people think about us, what we want from them, to what we can give them our own fear of judgment (ego) subsides and we experience the person and relationship in a new light. There is also a lot of fulfillment in the act of giving. I keep wondering: if we were all brought up to save the world, rather than to think about the “perks” we want…our own personal success…what would the world look like? Where would our focus be? On peace, on material wealth for all, on great health, on solutions… Now it’s a lot about Porsches…about “look at what I achieved for me.”

“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” To bear this in mind when we are angry, sad, frustrated, upset…who is it we want to be? Never mind the other person – WHO ARE WE? How do you want to see yourself? How do you act FROM THAT PLACE??? And how do you look after YOUR TEMPLE?

“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” What do you do every day to feel peace and happiness? And how do you change all other emotions to peace and happiness? Do you allow yourself to go off on tangents just because you get an adrenaline/testosterone kick, or do you bring yourself back to peace and happiness asap?

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” What actions do you take on a daily basis that make you happy? Which actions would you love to take?

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” When we blame, when we yell and scream at others…where does it come from?

“Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace.” What small pains, annoyances and disturbances are you ignoring? What little thorns do you need to deal with to make you happy? To make your relationships happy? To make your business/career thrive?

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” I realized this one day when I was thinking of my fear of illness and death (my mom died from cancer in her thirties) – whatever happens I will live through it…so I might as well just be happy in the process! Where you put your focus determines you happiness to a large extent. For example: the other day I got upset about my knee. I can’t really go running that often anymore and as soon as I stand up for days in a row, it goes wonky. So I started despairing, because I wanted to go running and in my head a I saw a scenario of not being able to go jogging for forever. But either I can think of that, or about all the blessings in my life. After all, I can still run. I can still walk. I can still dance!!!!!!!!!! I live a blessed life.

“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others.” “With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” So many times you meet people who want to have many things in life only to prove they are worth something, instead of finding their inherent worth. Whether they need to have a new hottie by their side every day, or win a prize for their abilities…the path becomes about proof of worthiness rather than love.

“To be aware of a single shortcoming within oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. Rather than speaking badly about people and in ways that will produce friction and unrest in their lives, we should practice a purer perception of them, and when we speak of others, speak of their good qualities.” We all need to analyze and understand things at times and we may speak of our process, but one needs to remember that whatever one says it will color other people’s perception of the world. To say you want a happy relationship, or a happy career…I believe you have to understand that first you need to find the love in you, the love for others and the love for the path you now choose to walk.

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