Category Archives: Spirituality

Prayer…

A man walked up to me yesterday. A parking attendant at the beach. Told me he knew me.

“You taught me at the drug rehab center some years back,” he said. “You’re Maria.”

We chatted briefly–I asked him if he was still attending classes, but he said they charged now and he couldn’t afford it. It looked to me like he had relapsed. I had the child I raise with me, so I didn’t stay for long to chat–we were at the beach to run about and chase the sunset.

As we made our way back to the car, we met him again. And as I left, he stood staring after me.

This is not the first time, nor the last time this will happen. People know me. People have come up to me to ask me if I can take their children and raise them, if I can hire them, if I can sort out their husband who has taken their child from them, if I could please make way for a foster child, if I can get them off drugs, if I can get someone to help them with a child they raise… And yet, the requests I get are sporadic. The requests Liezl gets are non-stop.

Liezl runs the not-for-profit educare center I’ve been involved with for eight years now. The place where I met the kids I ended up helping to raise. The place that changed my life.

Sometimes, these requests warm my heart. Sometimes they break it.

We’re always fighting. Fighting for funds for a safe house for women. Fighting for funds to look after more children. Fighting for the right to build a larger center. Fighting to get me the right visa so I can stay forever with the kids. Fighting for awareness. Fighting for change. Fighting to help.

Often, we’re fighting for our own survival, too. We’ve been on so many journeys, ups and downs and roundabouts. We’ve made mistakes, we’ve failed people, we’ve cried, we’ve been too broke to mention…

And, today, I was thinking that maybe it’s time to stop fighting and start praying. You cannot help everyone. You cannot sink your own life to the ground trying to do so. But you can pray. You can have faith that things will come right and that you will thrive in the end. And that you will help those who are meant to receive it. You have to let go of the rest. You have to realize that you are not responsible for anyone, but you can become a vessel that helps when there’s a way to do so. And I believe, if you open yourself up to that, then you will indeed become a vessel of good, instead of one that’s constantly fighting the waves on a stormy sea–only just about avoiding becoming a shipwreck.

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Filed under Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Spirituality

The fire within…

It doesn’t interest me what you’ve done wrong. What your sins, or twisted thoughts are. I don’t care if you’ve been to jail, or been involved with a gang. We’ve all made mistakes. All desired the wrong things. All fucked up miserably. At some point, we’ve all failed. Simply because we walked into life backwards somehow. Got the wrong end of the dick stick. Were conditioned to do things that didn’t serve ourselves and others. We were turned sour by life. 

And it doesn’t interest me what drugs you’ve taken to cope with it, or how much sex you’ve had to get through it. I don’t care if you’ve tried killing yourself, or ate till you couldn’t move. I don’t give a damn. So you weren’t given an instruction manual for life. None of us were. We all tried coping in different ways; some more successful than others. 

No, what interests me is what’s inside your soul. What makes you smile, even when no one is watching. What makes your heart come alive with wonder and your eyes widen in amazement. I want to know what turns you on in life; what quickens your heartbeat and sends shivers down your spine. 

I want to know your capacity for loving; how much love you have for your favorite passions and how much love you can give to another human. I want to see your willingness to serve another soul.

I want to know how much you’re willing to sacrifice to do the right thing. But I also want to know you don’t sacrifice so much you’re left wounded. 

I want to see your soul, naked and beautiful. 

I want to hear your heart beating with love. 

I want to know that the passion within you is still there. And I want to see it awaken, like a spark turning into a fire. I want to see you set ablaze. I want to see you burn with the beauty of all that you are. 

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde

P.S. This post was inspired by Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation (as seen to the left on this page…while I don’t agree with all of it, most of that poem is brilliant), just as For my lover: an invitation… was.

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Filed under Inspiration, Inspirational, Love, Motivation, Self-confidence, Self-esteem, Self-help, self-worth, Soul, Spirituality, Uncategorized

I see your halo…

I always think there’s a sacred space between two people — it’s your unique connection. It exists nowhere else in the world; only between the two of you. It’s really unique.

But the connection between two people only stays sacred if you treat it as such. Yes, you may be uniquely connected — have things in common, fire up different sides of each other’s personalities, talk about things you don’t talk about with others, understand each other on different levels (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, intellectually) and so forth. But this is just the baseline. This is the connection. It’s not the relationship.

The relationship is how you treat one another. Do you show up for one another? Speak kindly about one another? Take care of one another? Make good on promises to one another? Hold a space of love for one another? Hold each other accountable for being the best you can be?

In short, are you committed to treating one another as sacred creatures?

The truth is, most of us weren’t raised to treat other people as sacred. We weren’t even raised to treat ourselves as sacred.

I’ve interacted with a lot of religious people who, presumable, see life as a gift from God. Yet, they don’t treat their body as sacred. They don’t treat their friends as sacred. They don’t treat strangers as sacred. They don’t even treat their life as sacred.

And while most of us try to do right by ourselves and others, we all fail at some point. Our learned behavior wrecks havoc in various areas of our lives. We don’t even understand how some areas of our life will ever work out, because they never have before.

Sometimes, we’re so far away from treating ourselves and others as sacred, we feel like giving up. We think we’ve lost the battle and might as well succumb to our sins towards self and others. But each day holds a new morning. What you did yesterday is not as important as what you do today. And if you start a new life today, even with baby steps, imagine where you’ll be ten years from now. Also imagine where you will be ten years from now if you don’t start with those baby steps.

So honor yourself by treating yourself right. And honor others by doing the same to them. Because each connection is unique. Each person is a unique experience.

It’s important to remember though, that beautiful connections is only half of what makes up beautiful relationships. Beautiful relationships can only be created when two people see each other as sacred and treat each other accordingly. That’s why there’s a big difference between attraction and love; passing connections and deep friendships.

You can always honor another soul, but you can’t always have a beautiful relationship with them. All you can do, is ensure your side of the equation remains sacred by honoring them and that, no matter how they view or treat you, your view of yoruself remain sacred. And by viewing yoruself as sacred, you also know when it’s time to walk away — be it from a toxic work relationship, or friendship.

I’ve been thinking a lot about perspective recently. About how our focus creates our reality. And I really believe that looking upon yourself, others and life as sacred makes for a much more beautiful reality. Because then your purpose becomes to live a sacred life; one in which you respect yourself and the world around you. One in which you seek to uplift yourself and others. One in which you take actions that honor yourself, others and life at large.

Sacred dizzy blonde, over and out.

P.S. Yes, I stole the headline. I didn’t say I was a saint, just that I’m sacred… I see your halo, halo, halo…

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Filed under business relationships, conscious lifestyle, diary, friendships, human spirit, Inspiration, Inspirational, Life, Motivation, Musings, relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

An orgasmic experience…

No, I’m not talking about OM meditation. Though some of my friends in San Fran swear by it.

Nor am I talking about tantra, though I have attended workshops.

I’m not even talking about sex at all. I’m talking about you. Yes, YOU.

I love mornings. As the sun rises, I can feel the life force beating within me. The raw force of being alive. The hunger to live. Or, at the very least: the longing for a cup of coffee. 

I have desires awakening within me and it feels good.

There have been times when I haven’t had that. When I’ve needed a soak in an ice cold bathtub to even be able to feel my own soul. But the soul doesn’t die. It just goes to sleep sometimes. 

Anyway, I see mornings as a new beginning. A clean slate. A chance to start over. 

And this morning there were some particularly beautiful clouds in the sky and I was feeling excited about the day ahead. About life. About new beginnings. 

And what hit me is that new beginnings mean forgiving ourselves. To truly let go of our past. 

You are not your yesterday. Simply, because it’s not yesterday anymore. Today is a new day. So you can be whoever you like. 

Sure, you may have scars. Bleeding wounds, even. Some of us have no job, weigh fifteen pounds too much, have a horrible relationship, are a million dollars in debt, are complete sugar addicts, or some other such nuisance we have to deal with. Beause we do have have to deal with it, but we don’t have to be stuck with it. Bury ourselves in it. It can become the past too, if only we let it.

Look upon it this way: you can think about yourself as an unfit loser who prior to today hasn’t exercised in ten years, or you can think about yourself as someone who is now exercising. The two will bring about very different feelings and, therefore, very different actions. 

Most people make their problems, perceived flaws, past mistakes, and supposed undesirable sides, their main focus. Then they freak out and do something to try to resolve the tension they feel. Like downing a bottle of wine, exercising for ten hours straight, eating a cake, binge watching Netflix, or burying themselves in work. Which only creates more problems. So when you shift your focus to think about something else — something other than your problems or flaws — your life changes. Because you stop doing the stupid shit you’re doing to mentally have a break from your problems.

Face the problem/pain. Because you have to. Then move past it. Refocus your attention.

So, even if you haven’t exercised for ten years and are fifteen pounds overweight, think about yourself as someone who exercises. Even if it’s just walking around the block. Congratulate yourself on that. What you did the past ten years doesn’t matter. What you’re doing right now, which is walking around the block, is what matters. Soon, as someone who exercises, you’ll naturally walk two blocks. This will make you feel better, so you’ll start doing small sprints. Then you’ll…

You’re free you know. Free not to think about your past. Free to create your future. Free to do whatever the hell you like. So choose to do something that serves you. Something that fuels you. Something that lifts your spirits. It may take a while for you to really feel it. No one feels great when exercising for the first time in ten years. Nor does saving a dime when you owe a million feel like much. Most likely: you don’t feel it. May take three weeks to notice a difference in your state of mind after chaning your habits. But sure as hell you’ll notice. You’ll move forward. You’ll feel better. 

And remember: it’s not about an overnight overhaul. You don’t have to stop eating sugar entirely. You can just make sure you have one cake instead of two. Or eat a salad before the cake. Or go for a run before eating the cake. Set little goals. Tiny ones. If you can’t handle the big stuff, and most people can’t over night, do the little stuff. Don’t think about it as climbing Kilimanjaro. Think about it as stepping stones.

Can’t master that? Can’t save a dime a day, or go for a run before having cake? Then do something else that you CAN do. Smile at someone. Hug someone. Donate a dollar to a worthy cause. Plant a tree. Smile at the shy girl. (As someone who used to be shy I can tell you now that a smile…it can be life transforming. That’s the power you have.) Join a charity. Do an act of kindness.

Because, you see, the more you do worthy things, the more worthy you feel. The worthier you feel, the easier it will be to forgive your past and present woes and allow yourself to do the things that make you happy in the present. Because suddenly, you feel like you deserve them. And by doing them, you become an even better person.

Really, the solution for an orgasmic life is love. Because if you love yourself you automatically do things to create what you love and give love to others. Your life’s pleasure level will be on top. But most of us don’t love ourselves inside and out, so it helps with, you know giving a flower to a homeless person, even if you don’t feel like it. Because even if you messed everything else up that day, at least you know you did something good. And it’s that one good thing you need to hold onto.

So even if you don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning for your own sake, do it for someone else. Do it for something beyond you. Something bigger than you. Failing that, hire someone to kick you out of bed every morning. Create a structure you can’t get out of.

Life is about two things: your thoughts and your habits; your structure. If you change your thoughts, you change your structure. If you change your structure, you change your thoughts. And if you change either, you change your life.

You’re free. Today is a new day. A clean slate. An orgasmic opportunity. So look upon yourself as a present opportunity, not a past mistake. Look upon yourself as someone who has the power to transform lives. If so, only with a smile. And I can tell you right now, that while a smile to a stranger may change their lives, or at the very least: make their day better, a smile to someone who loves you means the world to them.

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Wandering thoughts on naked bodies…

i’d like to wander

all over you

hands caught in your hair

fingers stroking your chest

lips touching yours

skin to skin

in a wonderful dance

of pure lust

and soul connection

Isn’t that what we do? We deep dive into a person’s soul, while touching their body? We wander all over them and in them. We seek. Explore. Find out.

It’s beautiful. Really.

The problem is that most people aren’t living the beauty of their soul, but the mess of their thoughts. And they’re creating havoc. But you don’t see that. You see their soul — glorious and alive. Beautiful. A mesmerizing light. Pure. Stunning.

I found this quote today. “Stop wondering. Start wandering.”

It’s true.

How many times have you found yourself wondering what life would truly be like if only? If only you called that friend, asked that man/woman out, explored that path…did something different?

I believe we’re the happiest when we give up on expecting people and life to give us things and start exploring them instead. When we truly know we don’t know what will happen next. When our own life turns into a journey of discovery as we are no longer afraid of our own thoughts, what other people will think, or what life will serve up. We accept that we don’t know. We have no expectations on the outcome beyond exploring the moment to the full. We go beyond our ego and into the present. We are wandering instead of wondering.

It may be a difficult quest, but it’s a worthy one. Because with each step you’ll feel better.

I used to be scared of my own thoughts. Used to fear the bad ones. But when I get curious and look at them instead of running from them, they stop hurting. Because I know they are not me. They’re just a thought I’m having.

I used to be scared of what other people thought of me, but when I start seeing people as interesting creatures creating their own form of reality based on their thoughts, I stop being afraid. When I stop needing them to treat me nicely, or loving me, I no longer fear them. I just see them for what they are: humans.

I used to be scared of not achieving my goals, but when I started thinking about life as a series of moments I’m creating, as opposed to a series of goals I need to achieve, I started living instead of constantly beating myself up, or planning to live “one day.”

That doesn’t mean I don’t want certain things; don’t have certain goals. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be loved, or don’t want to think happy thoughts. It simply means I don’t let my own expectations get in the way of leading a happy life.

I believe we are all fierce explorers when we are happy. That we go out there and explore ourselves, others and the world. That we are curious instead of frightened. Excited instead of afraid. Courageous instead of petrified.

That doesn’t mean we don’t have fear. Of course we do. We still have thoughts, after all. But we see beyond the fear. See that it is nothing but make-believe. Nothing but a thought in our mind. A thought we can move beyond. Because the thought is not who we are. Our soul is who we are.

Because you see beyond your fear, you give it all you’ve got, instead of a percentage of your being. You jump head-first into the waves as opposed ot just getting your toes wet. You love wildly. You pursue your dreams fiercly. Because you’re happy. Even if every person, or destination, doesn’t give you what you want, or you fuck up badly. That’s just life. Getting caught thinking about it is destruction. Focus creates reality. Focus on what’s working, where you’re going and what you’d love to experience.

Don’t wonder what it would be like. Explore it. Deep dive into it. Yes, you’ll walk on thorns. Don’t fear them. Don’t avoid them. Walk past them. Because on the other side are the roses.

Be a wanderer, not a wonderer.

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926736160728/?nic=1

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Filed under achievement, conscious lifestyle, Goals, human spirit, Life, life lessons, Love, Poem, poetry, Spirituality, Uncategorized

For my lover: an invitation…

I want to see you. Naked. Beyond the covers.

No, I’m not talking about your scars, or your medals. But you. Your naked soul.

I want to connect with you. Feel you.

What is it that stirs inside of you? The wind that moves you? What is it that puts a smile on your lips, or butterflies in your belly?

I want to see all the engines inside of you combust into flames. I want to feel the passion of your heart. Raw. Unhinged.

And I want you, when you see me, to fall apart so that the blanket you’re wearing comes off and you stand naked in the sun, looking straight into my heart.

Who are you?

I’m not talking about who you became. Who life shaped you into being.

I’m talking about the person beyond that. The essence of your soul. The place you come home to. The real you. The heartbeats inside of you.

I want to be with you. The real you.

I want to bathe in the essence of your soul.

And I want you to see me. Feel me. Touch the core of my being with your fingertips. I want you to stare into my soul until the stars inside of me begin to twinkle and all else fades away.

I want us to write the poetry of our souls on pieces of paper. I want us to draw each other’s beauty on canvases. I want us to speak words that make us see who we are. I want us to experience ourselves through each other the way only lovers can.

I want our souls dance naked as our hearts create our dreams. Together. Beat by beat. Step by step. You and me. Together. Creating our dreams.

I want you. The real you.

By Maria Montgomery

Inspired by Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation.

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.

I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

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Filed under Love, Musings, poetry, relationships, Soul, soul path, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Faith…

Do you have faith? Faith in a higher power? Faith in your own abilities? Faith in the people in your life? 

When I travel I always have faith I’ll find somewhere to live that suits my needs. I have absolute faith that it will pan out. Because it always has. Even when I stood with a broken credit card no money in Paris at the tender age of nineteen, it panned out. 

When I travel I have faith life/God/the Universe will provide me with what I need. I also have faith in my own abilities. I know that if you ask enough people, someone will have what you’re looking for and I will find it. 

Moreover, I have faith that I’ll get through storms. I’ll get through them because I never give up. Even if I end up with one more scar, or one more wrinkle. I’ll win. 

Other people tend to admire me for this. Just today, my doctor was talking to me about this, as she knows some of what I’ve been through with the kids I help raise. A lot of people find me inspirational. Few see the pain that I’ve gone through with a lot of the “inspirational” things I’ve done. My doctor knows the pain. She’s the one dealing with my over worked immune system.

While I have faith I’ll get through storms, I am petrified of calm and quiet. I have very little faith I can live a happy life without a million storms. But I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being overworked. I’m tired of caring for others when not being cared for myself. I’m tired of facing crazy ass situations that are mentally and emotionally draining.

I’m not tired of challenges. I thrive on them. But I’d prefer working out how to spend the millions of dollars I’m making from movies instead of working out how to survive on a dollar a day. I’d like different kinds of challenges than the ones I’ve faced in recent years. 

You know what I want? I want to have fun. I want to enjoy myself. I want to go on dates where I laugh till I cry. I want to dance till I’m spinning through the air. I want to crawl on the floor to get the perfect angle for a shoot (yes, I know, we all have different ideas of happiness). I want to laugh with my children. I want to bake cookies and have whipped cream wars. I want to drive with the wind blowing through my hair and the sun tickling my skin. I want to come home to a happy home. I want to be happy. 

This scares me. I’m scared the moment I relax all hell will break loose. Bizarrely, always worrying makes me feel safe. Being in the middle of a storm makes me feel safe. I’m scared of letting go and relaxing when things are quiet.

In the twelve steps in AA one of the steps is giving up your power to a higher source. When I sat in a hot tub in LA bawling my eyes out and asking a higher power for guidance as I was so depressed I couldn’t feel anything and didn’t have a clue what to do, I surrendered to that power. That way my depression started to lift as my reason for having it became obvious. And from there, what to do to move forward became obvious. Likewise, when I travel I have absolute faith that the journey will reveal itself. And it does. 

Having faith doesn’t mean you don’t have to take action. You do. It’s not like I don’t have to look for accommodation when I travel. I do. It’s just I have faith I’ll find it. I feel safe in the hands of God or whatever powers may be. Then I move my ass. 

Similarly, you have to have faith in the people in your life. Faith that they’ll do right by you. Faith that they can handle what life puts in their path. Faith they’ll do the right thing. Some won’t. But if you have faith, you know the wrong people will fall away. Because they won’t get what they want from you if you let faith guide you. They won’t get the payoff they seek. You also know that the right people will reveal themselves. That they will show up when you truly need them. That your life will be blessed with the right people. 

I want to have fun. That means I have to take the necessary steps to get there. I know I’m happy when I’m dancing. So it’s really obvious to book a class. Then I have to show up to that class. Faith is just knowing that it’ll be alright. That I’ll find the right teacher — even if it’s not on the first try. Faith that it will pan out. Faith that I’ll be happy on the dance floor once more. 

The truth is, I’ve avoided dancing for a long time. Just like I’ve avoided being in a stable relationship. Just like I’ve avoided having a stable home. Just like I’ve avoided having a straight forward career. I’ve avoided things where I feel I need to let go. Things that would make my life stable. Simple. Things that would take me out of the storm. Things that would allow me to relax. Because that’s my fear. Relaxing. The feeling of being relaxed and unguarded. Unprepared. Vulnerable. 

I want to be happy. I want to have faith I can be happy. I have faith. I have faith that if I truly hand myself over to a higher power, the necessary steps to be happy will reveal themselves. All I need to do, is take the obvious action. And it’s always obvious when you tune into yourself and allow intuition/a higher power guide you. You know what to do. What you truly need to do to get there. 

You might not like what you need to do. It may be uncomfortable; painful even. It’s not like showing up to a dance class for the first time in three years is without pain. I’m nervous. I’m scared I’m not good enough. I feel old. That’s part of the journey: facing your own inner demons and the growing pains you get from taking action. But if you follow through, you’ll get to where you want to be. To that place you truly desire. And I desire being on a dance floor. 

Life is in our hands, but for it to truly be so, you have to surrender. Surrender to not knowing. Surrender to a higher power. Surrender to faith. Then you fucking move your butt. 

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926736064341/

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Filed under diary, human spirit, life lessons, Musings, relationships, Spirituality, Thoughts, travel, Uncategorized

Your inner dominatrix…

Have you ever considered yourself to be in control? Maybe even a control freak? Or someone who likes pushing boundaries, winning races, chasing goals…someone who aims to win and fights to get there?

I have. I’m driven like crazy. I work like a maniac when I want something. I love adrenaline thrills. I will whip my own ass till I’m screaming in pain. And I like it. (This is a metaphor guys, I do not whip my own ass. Just to clarify. This blog, through the years, has created a fair amount of confusion.)

The thing is, as I’m whipping my own ass to move forward, it’s not always encouraging whips. In fact, half of them act as punishment. Punishment for fucking up. For not being far enough along the road. For not being good enough. I punish myself endlessly for wanting to be better than I am.

These days my internal dialogue is a lot better than it used to be. Because instead of whipping my ass endlessly, I shift my attention to what’s working, what I’ve achieved and what I’m enjoying, because I know this is what will bring me to my goals. Focus creates reality. The more you focus on what’s working, the more you’ll create of that.

We punish ourselves because we think we deserve it and because we think it will move us forward, but that’s an illusion. In fact, it only derails us.

Punishment is a vicious circle. You fuck up. You feel bad about fucking up. So you fuck up more to punish yourself, or you sit doing nothing reveling in your own guilt, or trying to numb it by working yourself to death/downing your preferred poison/eating/working out. This is why I was petrified of drugs when I was younger. Back then I really didn’t like myself much. And drugs, to my mind, was about as low as you could go. Then you’d really lost control over yourself. I didn’t grow up seeing drugs as something you did at parties. I grew up seeing drugs as your one way ticket to the street. The ultimate surrender to your own ineptitude. And I was scared due to the circle of punishment — if I took a drug once I’d take it again. Not to get high and numb my pain, but so I could hate myself more. And the more drugs I’d take, the more I’d hate myself, so the more I’d have to take to punish myself. I’d read books about control freaks like myself completely losing it to drugs. And they scared the bejesus out of me.

Possibly ironically, I ended up working with substance abuse and raising and mentoring the children of drug addicts. Plus, I have enough recovering addicts in my life to write a book about it. Many have told me they take/took drugs because they can’t handle pain. I, on the other hand, revel in it. I take long baths in it. Which is probably why I never got addicted to substances. I’m too busy breaking my back chasing my next adrenaline kick. The pain fighting for it only fuels me on. That’s my drug. Tell me I can’t do something and I’ll break myself trying. I thrive on challenges.

My point with this post was not my paranoia about drugs, but pain. That inner dominatrix who is whipping its way around your life, causing havoc. Tell me, how many times have you punished yourself for something you did in the past? Once, twice, a thousand times? And how many times a day do you punish yourself for what you didn’t achieve that day, how much better you could be at x, y, z, or how you fucked up that one conversation with Mr Hot and Bothered, because, well, he was hot and bothered and you got confused and stumbled in your heels and went down like San Francisco in the great earthquake when he looked at you?

First, as Don Miguel Ruiz says (yes, I know I’m into his work a lot recently, but it always clears my mind): what’s the justice of you punishing yourself over and over again for the same thing? If you commit a crime you’re punished once. End of story. Better yet: you do something to balance out your actions. No, maybe you can’t give someone back the leg you broke in a fight, but you can work to help others learn to control their anger so they won’t break someone’s bones.

I always believe forgiveness is given the moment someone truly feels the impact of their actions and are willing to repent them instead of berating themselves, or numbing their pain with [insert poison of choice], or endlessly fucking themselves up because of their own self-loathing. Beause if they’re truly sorry for what they did, they use the event to turn their life around and become better people, not worse. That way, they can spend the rest of their life doing good instead of sitting moping about that one thing they fucked up. Because if they’re moping (see above: berating themselves, numbing the pain, or endlessly fucking up to keep feeling bad) it’s still all about them. It’s not truly about what they did to another person, but about how they feel about it. If it’s about the other person, they’d decide to service humanity instead of taking guilt trips.

Of course, it’s not that easy. Or maybe it’s easy once you have the answer, but as humans we react instinctively in ways that are completely idiotic. Such as holding onto the guilt instead of going out there and doing good. We feel we have to hold onto the guilt. Feel the need to punish ourselves. Feel we don’t deserve to be happy. While in fact, if we went out there and did some good, we’d help others and become happy ourselves. It’s simple. It just doesn’t seem that way when we’re guilt tripping.

Besides, we all fuck up. It’s part of being human. Unfortunately, we weren’t born with instruction manuals and some of us grew up in a way that taught us unsavory behavior. Once we realize how we’ve behaved we’re hit by guilt, but we weren’t in charge of our behavior. Not really. We never are until the day we become aware of our thinking habits and how they’re controlling our lives. And that’s a lifelong learning experience. So really, you should get over yourself because we all fuck up and depending on our backgrounds, we fuck up more or less. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life repenting your sins, but you’ll probably feel better when you start thinking about servicing others instead of thinking about yourself.

Secondly, if you’re punishing yourself on a daily basis, not because you fucked that one (or several) things up, but because you feel you need to be better (this is called perfectionism), you are wasting your time. If you want to be so goddamn perfect, then spend your time thinking lovely thoughts. They will lead to lovely actions. That will take you a lot closer to being perfect. (The writer of this blog post is making mental notes to remember her moments of insight.)

Punishing yourself may feel good, as you feel it’s a way to repent your mistakes, but it’s not. It’s a way to hold onto them. It’s a way of staying in a state of mind where you keep fucking up. It’s an excuse to fail. You’re actually being selfish. If you truly want to repent, go out there and sort your life out and do some good. The better a person you become, the better a place this world becomes. And that’s probably what the people you fucked over in the past would prefer, as opposed to you sitting reveling in guilt and shame, downing whiskey to numb your feelings, or fucking up your life to feel bad, meaning those around you get fucked up in the process.

What it truly comes down to is loving yourself. When you do, you act from that space. When you act from that space, you create good things in this world. When you create good things in this world, you earn forgiveness as you show you’ve changed. You show you’re willing to work for a better tomorrow, not just for yourself, but for others.

However, you’re speaking to someone who strives on challenges and discipline, while getting high on pain, so if you’re anything like me you may respond better to something like: get off your lazy fucking ass and do something for the world instead of moping about your own ineptitude or I’ll whip your ass three ways to Friday. (Or better yet if you’re speaking to me: “I don’t believe you can do it.” When you say those words, I’ll rise like a Phoenix from the ashes and flap about until I prove them wrong.)

But really, it all comes down to love, in the end. Using the punishment method, or the “I don’t believe you can do it method” is a lot less healthy, but it can be a starting point. Because the moment you get someone off their butt (or our of their guilt/shame/pity) they do something they feel worthy of being loved for. And that changes everything. Love should be there regardless, because we’re all just humans — we all fuck up. The best we can do is learn from our mistakes and become better people.

If you want to be punished, keep it to the bedroom. Or work out till you pass out from the pain. Or challenge yourself at work until you have all the adrenaline kicks and mental pain you need. It’s much better for all involved.

Recovering mental pain addict, over and out.

Want to change your patterns in life to become a more productive, happier and healthier person, thereby making the world a better place to be? Read my post Getting naked with Socrates…

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The ultimate fantasy…

Last week I was listening to an audiobook mentioning a quote from Le Petit Prince. It made me think. It made me think about how wrong I am sometimes. Most of the time. Because I don’t view life through my heart, but through my rational brain. Which, surprisingly, often is quite irrational. 

“It’s only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye.”   

It sounds beautiful doesn’t it? But as beautiful as it sounds it’s a difficult thing to do. To look with the heart. To see the world through the heart. Or maybe it’s not so much that it’s difficult as the fact that we’re unused to doing it. 

If you receive an angry message, what’s your first reaction? Do you calmly view the message through your heart, disengaging from what the person on the other end clearly is trying to make you feel? Are you feeling what’s beyond their anger, or are you focusing on your own sense of having been unjustly treated? Are you more intent on being right, or being angry, than letting go and viewing the situation through your heart? 

When you get stuck in traffic, do you look upon the situation using your heart? Blessing the fact that you have a car, you’re safe, you’ll get there in the end? Or do you focus all your anger on the frustration of being stuck in traffic? Do you get lost in your own anger? When you could focus your mind on things worth thinking about? 

When was the last time you replied to an email from your boss viewing the email through the heart? Typing a reply coming from the heart? Seeing them as a person rather than focusing on the petty problems of everyday work? 

When was the last time you dated someone, looking at them through the heart, not with fear for what they may do, or hope for how things will pan out? 

When was the last time you looked upon yourself, seeing yourself through your heart? Instead of judging yourself, or reasoning with yourself using knowledge, when was the last time you simply looked upon yourself using your heart? 

When was the last time you woke up looking at the world through your heart? Because it’s actually the only way of viewing the world that will truly assist you in living a happy and healthy life. Your so-called rational brain is focused on things that don’t serve you in the least. Such as being angry with the traffic. Holding onto grudges. Reliving the past. Stressing about the present. Getting annoyed with details that don’t matter. Creating a fantasy world that you think is real filled with all those things. A fantasy that’s nothing but a trap.

In short, I swear your brain is up to no good…unless it’s engaged in sex fantasies. That, at least, will make you feel better…but not as good as looking upon the world through your heart.

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Thoughts over drinks: the laws of nature (or why sex cannot exist)…

Physics and, I guess in a way, chemistry and biology, with a basis in maths, make up for the laws of nature. Yet, philosophers have often laid the foundations for what later became so-called natural laws. The laws themselves, of course, existed long before they were discovered. Unless quantum physics is right and things appear as you imagine them to appear…but that’s not always so, as failed chemistry experiments can tell us.

Now, at the age of twelve or so, I picked up Sophie’s World (but didn’t finish it) and was disappointed. Not because of the plot (well, that too), but because some dude in ancient Greece had the same thoughts I had. Only he got there some centuries before me. And there I was thinking I was really clever.

Some fifteen years later I picked up Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements at an airport in Los Angeles and marveled at the fact that a thought I’d had so clearly, was in the foreword of the book. It made me wonder: is all knowledge readily available to us at all times? Is the truth, indeed, written in a grain of sand? Will contemplation bring you to the truth?

Today I read: “The Taoist sage has no ambitions, therefore he can never fail. He who never fails always succeeds. And he who always succeeds is all- powerful.” I had a similar thought. Sitting in a hot tub in Los Angeles, ca. ten years ago.

When I had that thought I was depressed. I came to LA to study producing because I couldn’t figure out how to launch my career as a director, or entrepreneur. I’d read all the self-help books I could find, I’d attended the courses, I’d…seemingly done it all. But I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t figure success out. And I’d built my entire ego around my skills and talents. My desire to make it.

I believed, and still do, that people are self-made. But I wasn’t making it. Neither in my career, nor in my love life. I was a failure.

I didn’t understand how I could be happy if a) I couldn’t do what I loved (running projects and directing movies) b) reach my goals. Especially as I believed love was something you acquired based on your deeds and personality. I worked tirelessly to become lovable. This was more true than ever as my gran had gotten senile and the one source of unconditional love, the one person I felt didn’t need me to be something for me to be worth something, was gone.

Besides, how could I have children if I couldn’t tell them how to succeed? You have to raise kids to be able to deal with life. I sure as hell didn’t know how to deal with life.

That day, sitting on a beach in Malibu with friends, I felt nothing. I felt completely dead inside. That feeling that frightened me. Sometimes it lasted a day. Sometimes a few minutes. But it was harrowing. No will to live. No will to die. In fact, I feared death. And I had an overwhelming sensation of not knowing what was real and what was not, what life and death constituted and where the hell in the universe were we after all?

So in the evening, I sat in a hot tub, looking at the moon, crying and asking God, the Universe and whatever forces may be, what I should do? The answer came to me: nothing. I had to do nothing. Just sit and experience. It was my life. I couldn’t know it all. I could just experience it all.

My life shifted that day. The emptiness inside, the feeling that I had to achieve something to reach fulness, disappeared gradually. I learned self-love. Because love no longer equalled perfection.

I’ve told this story before. But it came back to me as I read that sentence about having no ambitions. I don’t think you shouldn’t have ambitions, or goals. I just believe you can’t be attached to them. You can’t put your self worth in them. Nor should you hold onto things that no longer serve you. Just because you wanted to become a soccer player at the age of five doesn’t mean you have to hold onto that dream at the age of sixteen, even though you’ve spent eleven years chasing a ball on a field. We change. Life changes.

I also believe that the truth is out there (together with Mulder and Scully) and that’s why different thinkers, or wisdom seekers, have come to the same conclusions. I’ve often thought about this: how the truth exists if we only open our eyes. That and my da Vinci theory: that all answers are found in nature. That we cannot invent what doesn’t already exist.

Just because we’ve experienced an aha moment doesn’t mean we don’t evolve from there. As we grow, things change. The Earth that was once flat becomes round. Some people don’t wish to grow. They’re too busy proving the Earth to be flat, so that they don’t need to feel their perceived shame at having believed something that wasn’t true, or done something they’ll now have to condone. Without ego, there is not that pain. Yet, I think we all feel it to some extent, because we all have an ego. A sense of misguided identity. I still want to prove I’m as smart as all those philosophers, who, for that matter, often had some major misgivings as well. Pythagoras may have had some great ideas, but he was scared of black fava beans?! I mean you gotta laugh at yourself, right. Your superstitions. As many brilliant spiritual insights as I may have had, I’ve made so many mistakes in life I’ve suffered a great deal.

Yes, we’re probably self-made — either because of co-incidence as life shaped you into a person who makes it, or by design as you designed yourself to become that person. But in designing yourself, you first have to undesign yourself. It’s the unmaking of who you are that allows you to become who you wish to be. And to come undone, you first need to learn it’s possible. To be without being.

And before I start talking about how nothing can come from nothing and how nothing can have existed forever (which is my greatest philosophical debate, which is both encouraging and discouraging) I shall bid you a temporary farewell. See you in this dimension or the next. Or you know, on some non-existent planet somewhere as we cannot exist. Nor can chocolate. Or sex. So you better indulge in it before it realizes it to be so.

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