Category Archives: success

Go a little wild already — why acting like a cave woman is really the way to go…

Welcome to the pity party. It’s a certain kind of glorious celebration of all our flaws and misfortunes, where the champagne flows together with tears, complaints and general misery.

Here’s the deal. I don’t know about you, but I, myself, and several of my friends, acquaintances and even people I’ve overheard talking in general, have been known to complain.

For example, you know the person who’s terrible with finances, but would like to become a millionaire (that’d be me), yet have never picked up a book about mindset and money, nor about how to manage personal finances, nor gotten a budget app. The person who can’t keep a boyfriend for more than two weeks, but would like to get married, yet have never ever read a book about what healthy relationships are all about, engaged in personal development to learn about themselves, or gotten therapy. The wannabe entrepreneur who isn’t running a business (also me), who has never picked up a business book, nor takes steps towards launching their business. The person complaining about being fat/unfit, but who won’t eat healthily, nor exercise. The person wanting to be in excellent health, but who smokes all the time. The person who’d like a job they would enjoy more, but who is not educating themselves, nor trying to work their way up the company, nor looking for another job. The person who wants great sex, but have never told their partner they’d like to try something different, nor picked up a book about sex, or sensual pleasures. The person who is feeling like shit all the time and would like to get happy, but does not attend therapy, nor read personal development books, nor attend personal development courses. Possibly they also don’t eat well, nor exercise, nor sleep on regular hours, nor have a healthy social life, nor engage their brain in interesting tasks, nor practice meditation and mindfulness, nor spend time in nature. All which are scientifically proven to improve one’s mood. The person who’d like to live in a fancy mansion and always complains about their apartment, but have never ever tried to decorate the place better, or improve it in any other way.

In short, there are a lot of people who want certain things and complain about not having them. They also have excuses for why they don’t have them, be it excellent health, or smashing finances. It’s a matter of time. A matter of money. A matter of not having the education. A matter of it being too difficult. A matter of someone, or something, getting in the way. A matter of…whatever the heck it may be.

I have excuses for the areas in my life that aren’t what they couldn’t be. A lot of them. They aren’t so much excuses as they are reasons. I don’t have great financces, because I spent all my money trying to rescue a child with PDA from himself. Ways I thought I should live life. But one day you wake up and realize that unless you flush those reasons, those behavioral patterns and those “look what got in the way” down the drain, you’ll never live a better, happier, healthier, more financially secure, more pleasurable and more fun life. You can wave goodbye to your dreams, your hopes and your desires.

I’ve been filling my brain with personal development lately. I’ve also been really annoyed with some other people not getting their shit together. And by listening to personal development books and making certain distinctions, while studying other people’s patterns, I’ve also seen my own.

There’s always an excuse not to go after your dreams. There are always habits that will get in your way. There are always people who will get in your way. And there is always going to be shit happening that’s going to derail you for a while, or be annoying as F. But there is only one way of getting to where you want to be — do everything in your power to get there and stop at nothing.

If you spent one week, just one week, focusing on a goal you want to achieve, letting yourself be derailed by nothing, how far would you get? If you ignore the house that needs cleaning, the bills that need paying, the lawn that needs mowing, the Netflix movies that need watching, the… If you just focused on that one thing, how far would you get? And if it was a matter of your mother needing surgery and you finding the money in 24 hours, how far would you get? What lengths would you go to? When the stakes are high, we usually get very creative and resourceful. When we think we have till forever to get off our asses and do what we know we must, we usually don’t move.

Move. Run. Go.

Your life is now, not tomorrow.

And if you really want to get that guy naked — there are no excuses. Just act like a cave woman, club him down and drag him to your bedroom. If he doesn’t like it, you weren’t meant to be. Now you can start fantasizing about someone else. (This is a metaphor. Don’t club him down. Just whip his ass and tell him to get his clothes off. Pronto.)

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde — aspiring entrepreneur and millionaire

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I don’t have time for sex…

Two and a half years ago, I made a promise to myself. It was a very simple promise. It went a little bit like this: no more excuses.

I was at home for the holidays and my dad did or said something that pissed me off. I felt horrible. Then I realized that a) my dad loves me b) my dad tries to do and say things differently because he knows his ways sometimes upset me. So even if he still does and says things that upset me, I know he cares. He loves me.

Now, I was having PMS. So my emotions were going haywire. But I still realized that I can’t sit and mope about whatever shit my dad did in my childhood that fucked me up, or whatever he does today to piss me off. It’s my life. I’m responsible for my emotions. And my father loves me, so why do I get upset? Why do I blame him for MY emotions? And MY life?

We were all wounded as children. If it wasn’t our own family, it was society, some other adults, or some kids that did a number on our heads. But when we become adults it’s our responsibility to become who we want to be. No matter what baggage we were left with as children.

Do you have excuses?

I can’t have a good life, because I’m not earning enough money. I can’t find a partner, because I’m not good looking enough. I can’t meet deadlines, because I’m bad with estimating time. I can’t be on time, because that’s just the way I am. I can’t have a functional social life, because I’m constantly traveling (don’t ask me how many times I’ve used that one). I can’t exercise, because I’m lazy. I can’t make friends, because I’m shy. I can’t eat well, because I was raised on fast foods (or better yet: because I don’t have the time).

Some excuses are sneakier. I did well today, I deserve a cookie. I had a bad day, I deserve a shopping spree. I am tired, I deserve to leave work early today. I feel like shit, I deserve a night in bed instead of exercising. Do you deserve those things? Or do you deserve something that will ACTUALLY make you feel better in the long run? Such as being happy, healthy, fit and financially free?

Established neurological routes make us prefer to do what we’re used to, even if it’s not the thing that will make us feel better in the end. That’s why we have to constantly make ourselves aware of where we want to go and what we want to establish. I want to be fit, healthy, happy, financially secure, a good mother, etc. will drive you to make the right decisions. Focus on what’s working already, what is currently making you happy and where you want to go — your end result. Such as being fit, being happy, being a good mother etc. and let that inform you as to how you spend your time/make your choices. I also recently read a lot about using psychedelics to change your habits and I FINALLY listened to the abridged version of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but I’ll write more about that tomorrow.

When I made that decision about no more excuses, I was pretty far down a hole I’d dug myself into, running around like a mad chicken trying to get a visa to raise the twins and launch a business, to get the visa, and make a living doing something I wasn’t enjoying, because I couldn’t get a job in South Africa, because I didn’t have a visa. My list of excuses were endless but they all came back to the visa. Couldn’t have a job, couldn’t have stable finances, couldn’t have the kids, couldn’t have a stable social life, couldn’t have a relationship because of the visa. I felt helpless to my own life. I couldn’t see a way out. I kept going, but didn’t know how to get through. I was miserable. I was happier as a person than I had been as I’d worked on myself, but I was miserable with circumstance.

I decided to embrace what I had. I had two kids I helped raising. Adoption rights be damned, stable visa be damned: I was going to do what I could with the resources I had. So I started doing what I could with them without money and a visa — started coming up with things we could do without finances. And when I was on the other side of the world, I vowed to do my best to focus on what I could do: work and visa, instead of fretting about the children. I also made a decision that if I didn’t get my visa, didn’t get the kids, I still needed to find happiness. And I was in a space where part of me felt like I could just die if it didn’t go through. But that’s not the mother I wanted to be; not the rolemodel I wanted to be.

That decision changed my life. But when I ran into more visa problems just as I thought things were working out, I hit a dark space again. The nightmares about the kids came back. My paranoia that I wasn’t far enough along with my finances, my career, my social life, my love life…everything fell on my head. That’s when I got a coach. Because I realized I needed to do something differently. If what I’d done up till then hadn’t been working, someone needed to bring me new ideas to work with. And that totally changed my life.

I started spending time making new friends, even if I was just passing by (mainly because my best friend called me on my BS around that one — told me to suck it up and get out there even if I was just passing by as I happened to be in Athens with her). I started dating again, even if I was just passing by. I started working on getting better freelance work, even if it wasn’t my dream work. I started exercising again, even if it wasn’t my dream way to exercise because that was too pricey and would take up too much of my time. I started doing everything I could within my means to change my life around. Not surprisingly, I started feeling a lot better.

That’s not to say I didn’t have difficulties along the way. I did. A lot. Because I was pretty far down that hole and I was in a very difficult situation with the kids and the visa. I know all too well what it feels like waking up in the middle of the night shaking from worry and fear. But did I want to feel that way for the rest of my life? No. So I started to fight for change.

My coach says there’s only one creative structure: taking action to get from where you are to where you need to be and stop at nothing to get there. Engage your will. If one thing doesn’t work, you try another, until you get there. If you engage your intuition, instead of acting out learned behavior, chances are you’ll get there sooner. As our subconscious tends to dictate our behavior. Which is why getting someone else to give you some pointers as to what thoughts are really in control of your life, is rather useful.

I still have excuses in my life. I’m human. Oops, that’s an excuse. But I see the excuses now. And I tackle one after the other.

If you only have the energy/time for five minutes of exercise a day, then exercise for five minutes. If you don’t have time to change your eating habits around, then at least drink a green juice a day, or eat a raw apple and carrot a day. If you’re petrified of people but want a social life, then find a way of socializing where you aren’t petrified. If you don’t have time to work on your relationship but want to improve it, then spend five minutes a day doing something for your partner/connecting with your partner. If you want to start saving money, but don’t have money to save, then save a penny a day, or spend five minutes a day on building an extra income. If you would like to start a business/change your career, then spend five minutes a day on it. And if you don’t know how to do something, it’s not an excuse. Just Google it. Incredible invention.

There are usually a way to find a way around your own lousy excuses for why your life stinks. The first one is deciding there are no excuses. The second deciding you have the power to change your life. You are a powerful creator. After all, look at what you’ve created so far. Even if it wasn’t great, you created it. Now you can create something else. And once you start doing something small, you realize you have the power to do something big. Also, start thinking about what you HAVE accomplished that are good, the things that are currently working in your life and what you’re grateful for.

Start calling yourself on your own bullshit. There are no excuses. Even if you can’t do what you want, do what you can. Even if it’s the tiniest thing ever. Do something. Anything. To move your life forward. One step at a time.

And if you don’t have time for sex, I’d recommend you’d get really good at giving people orgasms in five minutes, or less.

Yours truly, over and out.

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An orgasmic experience…

No, I’m not talking about OM meditation. Though some of my friends in San Fran swear by it.

Nor am I talking about tantra, though I have attended workshops.

I’m not even talking about sex at all. I’m talking about you. Yes, YOU.

I love mornings. As the sun rises, I can feel the life force beating within me. The raw force of being alive. The hunger to live. Or, at the very least: the longing for a cup of coffee. 

I have desires awakening within me and it feels good.

There have been times when I haven’t had that. When I’ve needed a soak in an ice cold bathtub to even be able to feel my own soul. But the soul doesn’t die. It just goes to sleep sometimes. 

Anyway, I see mornings as a new beginning. A clean slate. A chance to start over. 

And this morning there were some particularly beautiful clouds in the sky and I was feeling excited about the day ahead. About life. About new beginnings. 

And what hit me is that new beginnings mean forgiving ourselves. To truly let go of our past. 

You are not your yesterday. Simply, because it’s not yesterday anymore. Today is a new day. So you can be whoever you like. 

Sure, you may have scars. Bleeding wounds, even. Some of us have no job, weigh fifteen pounds too much, have a horrible relationship, are a million dollars in debt, are complete sugar addicts, or some other such nuisance we have to deal with. Beause we do have have to deal with it, but we don’t have to be stuck with it. Bury ourselves in it. It can become the past too, if only we let it.

Look upon it this way: you can think about yourself as an unfit loser who prior to today hasn’t exercised in ten years, or you can think about yourself as someone who is now exercising. The two will bring about very different feelings and, therefore, very different actions. 

Most people make their problems, perceived flaws, past mistakes, and supposed undesirable sides, their main focus. Then they freak out and do something to try to resolve the tension they feel. Like downing a bottle of wine, exercising for ten hours straight, eating a cake, binge watching Netflix, or burying themselves in work. Which only creates more problems. So when you shift your focus to think about something else — something other than your problems or flaws — your life changes. Because you stop doing the stupid shit you’re doing to mentally have a break from your problems.

Face the problem/pain. Because you have to. Then move past it. Refocus your attention.

So, even if you haven’t exercised for ten years and are fifteen pounds overweight, think about yourself as someone who exercises. Even if it’s just walking around the block. Congratulate yourself on that. What you did the past ten years doesn’t matter. What you’re doing right now, which is walking around the block, is what matters. Soon, as someone who exercises, you’ll naturally walk two blocks. This will make you feel better, so you’ll start doing small sprints. Then you’ll…

You’re free you know. Free not to think about your past. Free to create your future. Free to do whatever the hell you like. So choose to do something that serves you. Something that fuels you. Something that lifts your spirits. It may take a while for you to really feel it. No one feels great when exercising for the first time in ten years. Nor does saving a dime when you owe a million feel like much. Most likely: you don’t feel it. May take three weeks to notice a difference in your state of mind after chaning your habits. But sure as hell you’ll notice. You’ll move forward. You’ll feel better. 

And remember: it’s not about an overnight overhaul. You don’t have to stop eating sugar entirely. You can just make sure you have one cake instead of two. Or eat a salad before the cake. Or go for a run before eating the cake. Set little goals. Tiny ones. If you can’t handle the big stuff, and most people can’t over night, do the little stuff. Don’t think about it as climbing Kilimanjaro. Think about it as stepping stones.

Can’t master that? Can’t save a dime a day, or go for a run before having cake? Then do something else that you CAN do. Smile at someone. Hug someone. Donate a dollar to a worthy cause. Plant a tree. Smile at the shy girl. (As someone who used to be shy I can tell you now that a smile…it can be life transforming. That’s the power you have.) Join a charity. Do an act of kindness.

Because, you see, the more you do worthy things, the more worthy you feel. The worthier you feel, the easier it will be to forgive your past and present woes and allow yourself to do the things that make you happy in the present. Because suddenly, you feel like you deserve them. And by doing them, you become an even better person.

Really, the solution for an orgasmic life is love. Because if you love yourself you automatically do things to create what you love and give love to others. Your life’s pleasure level will be on top. But most of us don’t love ourselves inside and out, so it helps with, you know giving a flower to a homeless person, even if you don’t feel like it. Because even if you messed everything else up that day, at least you know you did something good. And it’s that one good thing you need to hold onto.

So even if you don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning for your own sake, do it for someone else. Do it for something beyond you. Something bigger than you. Failing that, hire someone to kick you out of bed every morning. Create a structure you can’t get out of.

Life is about two things: your thoughts and your habits; your structure. If you change your thoughts, you change your structure. If you change your structure, you change your thoughts. And if you change either, you change your life.

You’re free. Today is a new day. A clean slate. An orgasmic opportunity. So look upon yourself as a present opportunity, not a past mistake. Look upon yourself as someone who has the power to transform lives. If so, only with a smile. And I can tell you right now, that while a smile to a stranger may change their lives, or at the very least: make their day better, a smile to someone who loves you means the world to them.

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When it rains…get naked already…

Do you have faith? Faith in a higher power? Or faith that everything will be OK?

Having faith is part of having focus. When you have faith things will turn out well, you keep your eyes on the progress you’re making and the end destination, instead of getting caught up in the obstacles. 

I had a hissy fit about one area of my life this week. So I decided it was time for some faith and focus. 

Think of it as a journey: when you have faith you’ll reach your destination, you’re relaxed. And when relaxed, even though there are problems along the way, solutions naturally present themselves to you, because your eyes are open to them. 

Let’s take the example of walking the Camino de Santiago (I’d really like to do that). It’s a pilgrimage. And most who set out on it have faith they will learn things along the way, even though they don’t know what. They have faith that spiritual opportunities will present themselves and that they’ll reach their end destination. 

Now, if you set out walking with less faith, you may get worried when it starts to rain already on day two. You know day three will be a write-off as a full blown storm is coming. And you have limited time to reach your destination as you need to get back to work! You only have two weeks off. 

The stress of not knowing if you’ll reach your destination makes you uncomfortable. So after a day of feeling miserable sitting in your hotel room during the storm, you decide to go to a bar and get pissed to resolve your discomfort. 

It’s not just pissing down, you’re pissed too. 

The next day you’re not feeling well, because you got pissed. It pisses you off. To make up for the delay, you still decide to keep a faster pace. In fact, you decide to run for part of that day. Only you’re pissed off and therefore not in the right mental space, so you trip and fall. 

Now, you haven’t just been delayed for a day by rain, you have an injured ankle too. At this pace, you’ll never reach your destination. 

“Look,” you say, “life is against me.” But is life against you, or does it rain in all our lives? The point isn’t if it rains or not, but how we handle the rain.  

If you accept rain as part of the journey and spend the rainy day relaxing and rejuvenating yourself — doing yoga to relieve the tension in your legs (or, you know, dancing naked in the rain enjoying your inner hedonist while reconnecting with nature) — you wake up the next day wide awake and ready for adventure. As you’ve relaxed, you naturally walk faster and make up for the time lost. 

This journey can be applied to most of our goals in life: they don’t happen over night. They’re journeys. And along those journeys it rains. Sometimes it even thunders. We either deal with that, or we try to resolve the tension and end up in a mess that derails us further. 

Of course, there are healthier ways of resolving tension too: instead of getting piss drunk, you can relax in a bath and eat a slab of chocolate or exercise till you topple over. Maybe you’re still running from your worry that things won’t go well, but at least you aren’t on a self-sabotage train from hell.

The thing is, at one point or another, we all freak out and mess up. Maybe so bad we don’t see a way out anymore. Most likely, you’re sitting thinking about what a mess you are from sunrise to sundown. That means you can’t see a way out. But there is a way out. If you only have faith and focus on what’s working and where you’re going. 

So you’re in a hospital bed with an injured ankle, you can either write off the vacation (hey, you’ve already burned three days feeling miserable, why not spend the reminder of your life…I mean vacation miserable?), or you can say: “It’s clear I can’t walk all of the Camino de Santiago right now, but I can rest for three days while enjoying this village and then walk a small part of the journey and enjoy that.” 

During the coming months, you can go for hikes in nature and seek spiritual experiences there, then return to the Camino for your next vacation. You may end up with a higher level of fitness and deeper connection to spirit than you’d have done if you’d just done the Camino straight away. The importance isn’t how you get there, but getting there. Once you have a destination (fitness + spirituality) the path will reveal itself.  

Sometimes it’s not something new we are exploring, but something old we want to change. Personally, I want to change some patterns of mine that aren’t serving me. But I won’t do that by focusing on the patterns, but focusing on the destination and having faith.

If you are 20 kg overweight and haven’t exercised for ten years, you can either have a cake because you feel so stupid you can’t run a mile, or decide to go on a walk around the block as you can manage that. Don’t panic about where you are, or how you’re incapable of doing what you’d love to do (such as running a mile), just define what you want (health + fitness) and start moving towards that. Step-by-step. You don’t have to go from zero to hero, just take steps you can handle. You’ll get there. 

Everything can change in the matter of a minute, if you only let it. If you only decide where you’re going and have faith you’ll get there. Forget about the past fuckups. Forget about the how’s. Just decide you’re going. 

Faith. 

Focus. 

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926736173726/?nic=1

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