Category Archives: Thoughts

Amusing musings…

I remember when I first started this blog — I was doing yoga in Runyon Canyon and walking around looking for topics to write about as I had challenged myself to do a post a year for a year…and I did.

When I write on here I learn. It’s where I process what’s happened. The more stressed I get, or the more happy I get, the more I write. If I’m stressed I need to process what’s happened, if I’m happy I want to share my happiness with the world.

Today I was running around looking for an external hard drive for over two hours. That wasn’t fun (esp. as I didn’t find it), but it was hilarious because I kept looking in places where I’d already looked, thinking it should logically be there. Only it was totally illogical to look again, because it wasn’t there.

It made me realize that we do that a lot, don’t we? We look for things in places where we know we won’t find them. Ever had a friend who never showed up? The kind that cancelled every coffee you ever booked? Ever been in a relationship where you break up and keep getting back together? Ever had a boss who just never praised you when you did well?

These things are structures. Those people are living according to a structure where they will keep repeating a certain behavior. So why do we still go there looking for that coffee, that love, that praise? We’re looking in the wrong place!

Our looking in the wrong place is a structure too. It’s something we keep doing. And for no good reason. What we’re looking for won’t happen.

I remember that before I broke up with the guy I was with for over three years back in my twenties, I kept having a line from a play I was doing going round and round in my head: “The wonderful thing isn’t going to happen, Thorvald.” Meaning, Hedda Gabler would never be loved the way she wanted to be loved by Thorvald (at least I think it was Thorvald and Hedda this was about…I may have mixed up the character by now…but it was the play Hedda Gabler by Ibsen).

The reason that line kept going round and round in my head was because my ex would never turn around and love me the way I wanted to be loved.

This came back to me when my coach pointed out that I expect flakiness. That I think flakiness is normal in relationships, but it’s not. It’s what’s normal to me. It’s my dysfunctional structure to be around guys where the wonderful thing will never happen.

Now, sitting thinking about your past isn’t necessarily helpful — you want to be moving towards what you want to create, not away from what you don’t want to create. I’d like to create intimacy. To me intimacy is a big scary thing as I’ve hidden in clouds of aloofness to protect myself from flakiness, but it’s what I’d love. What I’d truly love to create.

I’m obsessing about structure lately, have you noticed? Because I had some big epiphany that your entire life is built around structure. You put the right structures in place, you can do anything.

It’s like building a house: for the house to do what you want it to, you need a foundation, the proper pipes, the right electrical wiring, etc. If you don’t put structures in place, the house collapses on you, or things don’t work as they should, or keep breaking.

If you think about your exercise regime, your daily schedule, the way you plan your week, how you organize your wardrobe, etc. it’s all structures. There are also mental patterns that are structures, like the way you view situations, people, etc. and therefore react to them.

Writing this blog I was also reminded of that year when I wrote a blog a day and doing yoga and running in Runyon Canyon. It was a structure. One that I loved at that time. Challenges work for me because I thrive on them. So I think I need to make a few more challenges now. Challenge myself to put a few new structures in place.

I’ve been grumpy (and exhausted) for like a week due to the fact that I raise one kid with behavioral issues and I have to wait for him to do a program before he can start school again and having him at home all day long is driving me up the walls. Because I’ve felt like I can’t put structures in place. But I can. And I will.

I’d also like to run into someone who’d hug me for an hour. The past few months have been challenging with his issues and the schools. I’ve met so many wonderful people through this who’ve told me I’m a special soul who is doing an amazing job (incredible given how grumpy I’ve felt but considering his behavioral patterns I’m possibly a saint after all). It’s hard to reignite your own flame constantly, but compared to how much better I am at it now than a year ago, I’m well pleased with myself.

Now I’m off to look for more work, it’s an exciting Friday night…

Oh no, wait, I’m supposed to put a sexual metaphor in here as is the style of this blog…but I’m too tired…no, I can’t say that. It would be like totally rude if I said that to guy. Uhm…feed me chocolate, pour me wine and massage my feet till I fall asleep we have sex. Or just take me to Runyon Canyon and let me feel the desert wind blowing through my hair again as I run in the sun.

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

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I dream a little dream of you…

They say dreams speak their own language and while I believe dream lexicons and set ideas about symbolism are pretty far fetched, I do believe dreams contain messages about what’s on our mind, or in our subconscious. It may also be we are more receptive to other people’s thoughts, or messages from mysterious sources (if such exist), when we dream. The dreamer in me is still hoping that I’ll discover all the mysteries of life and divinity in my sleep…

Alas, the other night I wasn’t receiving intruiging messages from God, or the Universe, in the form of direct contact explaining all the mysteries of life, but dreamed about someone I haven’t seen for twenty years. I woke up confused about dreaming about this person, because while we went to school together, they were never someone close to me. So what on Earth prompted me to dream about them?

In this particular dream, a scenario that’s very familiar to me played out: I felt inferior as the other person got what I wanted. This sensation of feeling inferior begun at a time in my life when the person I dreamed of was part of my life and part of the click of people who were “cool” while I was as uncool as could be. It was a time when I accepted that I would never have what I wanted because of who I am — the uncool chick.

The interesting part was that as I contemplated this dream during the day I realized that how I feel is unrelated to who I interact with — sooner or later I will feel inferior and unlovable no matter who I am around. Usually due to some perceived imperfection. I feel judged, but the truth is that I’m the one judging myself, which creates a sense of inferiority, followed by a sense of unworthiness, rejection, or the idea that I can’t be loved/am unlovable. And then I act with that feeling inside of me, which, of course, causes rejection.

As you can imagine, all of this happens subconsciously. All I really feel is a nagging sensation something is off. I don’t feel like my confident self. I don’t feel on top of the world. I shy away instead of “sparkle.” I start to feel uncomfortable instead of free. Sometimes I go aloof and push people away. I feel ashamed of myself, so I don’t want to be seen.

Dreaming about a person that’s so far removed from my life I can’t even piece together why ever on Earth I’d dream about her, allowed me to see that my states of mind often have nothing to do with reality. I will create situations where I feel like I felt in the dream, irrespective of who I am with, or what I’m doing. I mean I dreamed of someone who has absolutely nothing to do with my life, yet the feeling I had in the dream is the same feeling I have around pretty much everyone I meet, at one point or another. It’s almost like the dream allowed me to look at myself from the outside and see how my mind is still reacting to something that happened twenty years ago.

Of course, then my best friend went and ruined it all by telling me she Googled this particular person the same night I dreamed of them…so maybe this dream had nothing to do with my subconscious and everything to do with my best friend’s curiosity about the people that she used to know…

Tonight I’d prefer a naked man in my dreams. Please. Oh no, wait, that’d be better in reality…

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

P.S. Want to read some of my poetry? Head to my business Magique’s Instagram: www.instagram.com/CarnavalDuDesir

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Love and life and inside-out knickers…

Do you ever screw up your vibration? No, not vibrator. Don’t screw the vibrator. Or do. The point, in this case, is your personal vibration. Or the vibration you use when dealing with others.

I was chatting to my coach yesterday and told him I could see myself reacting to something. Like, say, your neighbor did something and you see yourself running into their house screaming that’s totally unacceptable. Or you get scared of a situation looming on the horizon and feel like removing yourself from it entirely. Or someone annoys you and you feel like telling them to fuck off, even though you quite like them. You are in some form of reaction or another, most likely one you’ve been in before.

Ever found yourself reacting the same way in personal relationships? Or work relationships? Yeah.

So I saw myself wanting to react the way I normally do in a particular situation. I didn’t want to react that way, because I know it doesn’t serve me, so I asked my coach what to do? His reply? Shift your focus to love. You’re coming from a place of love.

Suddenly life became very simple.

Life is simple. It’s just we complicate it all the time because our ego gets in the way. We feel hurt, so we hurt. We feel humiliated so we run and hide, or get furious. Half of the time these emotions come from interpreting situations in idiotic ways. Using our ego to look at something, basically and then acting on that. Or using our past to cross reference a situation, when, in fact, in our past we’ve used our ego to navigate the world and it didn’t end up too great, did it?

Sometimes, when I know my ego is in operation, I do the polar opposite of what I want to do. I want to run and hide, I step bravely forward. I want to go aloof, I chat till tomorrow. I want to lash out in anger, I retract with humility. But just doing the polar opposite doesn’t change the underlying ego hick-up that’s making me want to react in the first place. Shifting to a perspective where you’re coming from love does.

I know I’m in a pretty good mood these days, because my sense of humor has returned. I started laughing about screwing with vibrators vibrations yesterday, after posting the following on Facebook: “All three kids in bed by 8:30pm (and no one got seriously traumatized in the process), the dishes done, breakfast prepped…the age of miracles has arrived! (That’s not to say that I didn’t put my knickers on inside out this morning as I was so stressed getting the kids to school BUT they arrived on time AND I managed to shower which is miraculous. Seriously. Never mind the knickers.)”

My sense of humor is still as dirty as it ever was, but at least I’m picking up clean laundry from the laundrette today, so there’s hope…but then again I’m not sure I ever want an entirely clean mind. Everyone who says I’m a bad person because I have a blog with sexy headlines (but who not-so-secretly read Fifty Shades)  would suddenly lose their angle. I mean that would be so sad. My ego would be like totally upset there wasn’t anyone who imaginarily hated me anymore. Shame.

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

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Turn me on…

There are things that turn you on right?! I mean you know what they are, don’t you? Do you actually do those things though?

Years ago I learned that there are certain principles that work when creating a life you love, yet I don’t necessarily use them. It’s like knowing what turns you on and never doing it. You know the base principle, but you don’t get around to applying it. It’s a waste of the perfect opportunity for a great sex life. 

Now the stuff I learned was:

  • Focus creates reality.
  • Structure has integrity.
  • Thoughts and feelings aren’t real.
  • Act from the heart/intution.
  • What would I love to create?
  • Hang with the tension.

Do you ever act out of fear for what might happen if you don’t? I do. All the time. Only that’s not quite right is it? Because my focus is on what I fear. So what am I truly looking to create? 

What I should be doing is finding out what I want to create and act to achieve that. Now my focus is on what I want. Now I can create what I desire instead of avoiding what I don’t want and all along thinking about what I don’t want and most likely therefore creating that. 

Still, things can go wrong. 

For example, I could start to manipulate people to get what I want, instead of acting from the heart when creating it. In which case things can go really wrong, because you’re creating things that don’t ring true to other people’s hearts. Think of it this way: you know you want a great CEO for your company. That’s true to your heart. Then you realize one of your friends is looking for a job and they happen to be an amazing CEO with no passion for your business. You need a CEO and suddenly you aren’t checking in with your heart anymore — you just see this great CEO friend of yours and as you really need a CEO and need one now you’re set on getting them on board. Especially as they were really successful in their last venture so your ego is singing hallelujah. 

So you try to convince them. Then you beg. You might use tactics like provoking their guilt, or increasing the pay check. You might even make yourself sick with worry and ask them to please stand in for you while you are sick. And how could they refuse now? 

That kind of behavior can create a landslide of trouble as no one is acting from their heart so you have a dispassionate CEO who is likely resentful having to do what they don’t want to do. 

Similar things happen in dating all the time — instead of speaking from the heart people try all sorts of tactics to get people interested in them. It ranges from sexual manipulation, to being needy. Sexual exploration isn’t wrong, asking for someone’s help isn’t wrong, but using it to get a person involved with you without clear communication is wrong. 

So once you know what you want, you need to focus on that. Because the more you focus on it, the more energy you will give it and the more likely you are to create it. Sit thinking about how hopeless life feels and chances are you won’t have any energy to create.

Then you have to go after what you want with integrity — always acting from the heart, using your intuition as a guide. 

Along the way things will probably get pretty uncomfortable. To get what you never had you have to do what you never did. Most of us have wounds and scars and avoid certain things like the plague. Personally I have a strong dislike of speaking about emotions and standing up for myself. To avoid it I’ve used plenty of manipulation and aloofness in the past. Those were faulty mechanisms to try to protect myself from what I felt was uncomfortable. 

This is where you need to hang with the tension. Your thoughts and feelings aren’t real — they are projections based on your past, or simply interpretations of life. You can choose to see things differently and therefore feel something different. 

As for structure, everything in life has some sort of structure. If you want to create a certain result, you need a structure that supports it. For example, if when dating people you usually start having a lot of thoughts that it will never work out around week three, or month five, or whatever, then you will always break it up then, unless you create another structure. Say, you hire a coach that asks you if those thoughts and feelings are actually real and coming from your heart, or you’re acting from your wound. 

If you keep acting from your wound, instead of putting a new structure in place, you’ll keep getting the same results. 

Likewise, if you want to change your finances, or your work results, you need structures in place that help you do so. If you want to get fit, but was never motivated to do so, then you need a new structure. Such as a personal trainer who makes sure you go to the gym, an app that tracks your progress, a friend that keeps your accountable, or a new activity that you are actually excited about. 

In the last year I’ve also heard my coach say over and over again that the person with the biggest hard on wins (yes, that’s a metaphor) and I believe this is another principle I should be applying in my life. If you are constantly manipulated by other people’s energy, if your focus shifts from the results you wish to create to whatever energy is around you (be it a flat tyre, or an irritated boss), you will never achieve your results. Your energy needs to be strong enough to carry you through (see yesterday’s blog for more on this topic). It will help to have the right structures in place to support you, but you also have to keep your focus on things that inspire you enough to move forward. Focus creates reality. 

That’s it folks. I’m clearly obsessing about what’s turning me on right now, being in the end result of creating it. With, you know, some dude who gets me. 

Dizzy blonde, over and out. 

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Light my fire…

My coach always says “the person with the biggest hard on wins,” which I always thought sounded terribly crude. Coming from me, that probably sounds absurd as we’re talking someone who can crack fifty sex jokes a minute on this blog, without raising an eyebrow. Still, I think it sounds crude. Yet, last week I started repeating this phrase to myself till I was going dizzy. Why? Because it’s true. The penny finally hit the slot.

What my coach really means is that whoever vibrates on the highest frequency, or has the most energy, wins.

Have you ever met energy vampires? You’re most likely the worst energy vampire you’ll ever meet as your own energy affect you more than anyone else’s, but there are people close to us that affect us a lot as well.  The boy I raise is one of them for me, as he has behavioral issue and last week I was beside myself. I know what to do to handle him — I read The Kazdin Method for Parenting years ago and in short, you use a ton of energy to make everything you are about to do sound amazing and you encourage the kid for everything well-done. Bad behavior you say no to once, firmly, then ignore. You don’t engage. You don’t get angry. You are a loving storm wind of enthusiasm.

It’s just, I’m not always feeling like a loving storm wind of enthusiasm; sometimes I’d just like to say “Come sit down and have dinner,” without having to do funny voices, talk about how fantastic the meal is going to be, or perform a musical show for entertainment purposes. I want to be able to raise my voice when I’m annoyed about something without having to end up with a one hour, or day long tantrum because of it. But I know the moment I lower my energy, I’ve lost.

I sometimes forget to be this person. There are times when things are going well and it’s not needed and I slip into being a regular mom who gets grumpy when a child purposefully destroys a nice moment by doing something utterly ridiculous, or dangerous, like playing with buttons in my car. There are also times when I’m simply tired and think I can get away with being tired and, sometimes, grumpy. But the grumpier I get, thinking “he should just understand” the worse the situation gets.

For people who have never encountered these kind of issues, it often sounds foreign when you explain. They tell you the child needs discipline, or love, and think they’ll react like any other child. They don’t. You can’t just use logic and say it isn’t a good idea to do whatever it is they are doing and punish them for it. It doesn’t work. It just creates more havoc. For them the destructive behavior is a weapon. They use that weapon for a reason.  Maybe it’s to get attention. Maybe it’s their only way of feeling in control. Maybe it’s their way of keeping people away, as they’ve been hurt a lot. Maybe they have come to hate themselves and want to continue down that path. Whatever it is, they use anger as a weapon to get what they want. You have to disarm them. And you disarm them by bringing a completely different kind of energy to the table.

When I was beside myself last week as PMS set in, the babysitter cancelled and I was stuck with a toddler, an angry eleven-year old and his easily aggravated sister, a messy house and an intense need to work, I thought I’d break. I wanted to lock myself into the bathroom and cry. I wanted to hurl all the pain my kid ever caused me right back at him. All the hurt I felt at being on the receiving end of his anger for years. I wanted to take the pain he was throwing me and shove it in his face. I was so tired of not ever being able to come home and relax, I thought I’d snap.

I felt life was unfair and I was a victim of circumstance. I was angry about a gazillion different things that I felt were stacked against me and had been issues over the years. I wanted to hide inside a hug, or a bottle of wine. Or better yet: inside a hug in a bottle of wine. I wanted an energy to counteract my kid’s. I wished I was in London so I had more friends to turn to. I wished I had a boyfriend. I wished I had unlimited funds for nannies, therapists, schools and babysitters. I wished for a million things. And I felt lonely and helpless and sad and had no idea how to get through till evening, much less however long until the kid has everything he needs to change his behavior — from schools to therapists.

This is when I pulled myself up by the ears and told myself the person with the biggest hard on wins. I needed a different energy to counteract it all. I needed to be a positive whirlwind stronger than my kid’s anger and pain and strong enough to look after two more kids and work. I needed to be superhuman, pretty much. I needed energy super powers

Normally energy control does not involve dealing with people with severe behavioral problems. Normally it involves the thoughts you have around different situations. Habitual thoughts that drain your own energy. You go into a situation with the wrong energy to achieve what you want to achieve. Like thinking you want to be with someone but suck at relationships, or want a raise but suck at negotiating, or want a job but are terrified of interviews. When it comes to other people, normally it involves a grumpy boss, a tricky client, or a boyfriend who you want to reprimand for something, but instead of reprimanding should encourage to do something different. Because encouragement works. Positive re-enforcement. The Kazdin Method of Parenting. The biggest hard on. Call it what you like. It works.

Usually with every negative event that occurs and every negative action (or what we perceive as negative) a person takes against us, we lose a little bit of our mojo and our natural instinct is to punish. Soon we are caught up in whatever energy we were handed, instead of choosing our own energy.

You cannot solve a problem with the same thinking that created it.

The thing is, this isn’t just about problems. You have a lot of power. A lot. Your energy alone can transform not just yourself, but others. How you meet people every day affects them. Now, everyone has the option of choosing their own energy, but as my story hopefully conveys, it takes effort to do that. When you are met with a smile everywhere you go, you don’t need the same amount of effort to stay in a good space.

Everybody’s candle burns out at some point. Mine burnt out last week. I’ve struggled to re-ignite it and keep the flame going ever since. Last night I messaged my coach saying I know what to do. I know I’m not a victim. I know I can win this situation. I know if I can win this, I can win many other situations, because I will become a master at managing my own energy. I know it will take time to put functional structures, such as nannies in place, but that I can do it. I also know I need a hug. Because I’m struggling really hard right now to keep my energy up. And it certainly didn’t get better when the little one woke up at 5am and weed all over my bed. It’s an add on effect.

Shit happens. We all have our flame start flickering at some point. It might even go out, as we enter the dark side. As we give up on achieving what we truly want to achieve in a situation. Remember that you can re-ignite it. Also remember to ask for help to do so — hugs are awesome things (just don’t ask me how to ask for a hugs as I’m still working out how to do that myself — such as putting myself in the energy to receive them…).

You are a match and people are waiting to be lit up by your energy, just as you are a candle waiting to be lit up by your own flame and those of others.

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It’s time to pull the zipper down…

There are moments in life that undress you. One moment you stand there fully clothed and the next you’re stark naked.

I always liked when people got naked. Usually it’s when they run into trouble, face their demons and crack open. Their carefully crafted coping mechanisms fail. The ego driven patterns they’re hiding their flaws behind crack. And suddenly they find themselves naked. Usually uncomfortable for them, but nice for the onlookers, who suddenly see their heart.

Maybe they need to wash off some of the crap they’ve landed themselves in, but their heart is right there. And it’s beautiful.

I had one of those moments the other day. Someone asked me something along the lines of: “Wouldn’t your gran like to have had one more experience? Like if you’d asked her before she died, wasn’t there something she wished she’d done?” And my reply was: “No, she’d just have wanted to spend more time with her family.”

When I said it I didn’t think too much about it, but when I came home it made me teary-eyed. One, because that side of the family is gone save from my sister and I. Two, because I’ve been driven by so many other things than my gran was — she was driven by family and she was happy and content, save from when people started passing over. That was her downfall — she couldn’t deal with that and let new people enter her life.

I, on the other hand, have had many incredible experiences all over the world, but it wasn’t until the past five odd years I started feeling remotely happy being me. And it wasn’t until last year I started taking my social life seriously. Because even though I knew more people than most could dream of, I was so scared of rejection I never focused on actually stitching it all together. And while this blog can attest to my many epiphanies surrounding dating over the years, I never truly thought myself capable of finding a man who loved me that I loved. Until possibly earlier this year.

I know I’m a bit of an adrenaline and experience junkie. And I get high on breaking convention. I also get a sense of fulfillment from film and Magique, as well as Little Angels, that I don’t think my gran got from her work. But I also know that as a child I filled my life with stories because I felt lonely — I was bullied and unhappy around my step-mom so I hid in books.

Yesterday I went to the doctor as I’ve caught the latest Cape Town epidemic: a stomach bug. Nothing serious, just an upset tummy, but you know after a week you start feeling a tad drained. The kind doctor put me on a fast — rehydration drinks for 24 hrs followed by bread and potatoes only for 24 hrs.

Now, I’ve done a lot of juice fasts in my day and they’re fascinating, because food is one of those feel good things. Makes you happy when you taste yummy things. Also gives you energy. When you don’t have energy you get cranky and start facing your demons. Same thing if you’re bored and alone without distraction.

Today, I realized, while tired and grumpy, just how addicted I am to food. And get me right: I’m pro a certain level of food addiction. Life should be tasty, if you ask me. But I can also see how a good book and a glass of wine, or a treat and my favorite Netflix, is a substitute for going out there and meeting people. I think good books, food and Netflix are wonderful,  it’s just using one good thing to replace another isn’t a great strategy.

Co-incidentally (if there is such a thing) I’m reading Brand’s Recovery at the moment as I always wanted an excuse to attend an AA meeting so I could learn the darn steps. Now there’s a book for that. Not that I think it can substitute what you get from the group meetings, in fact I believe if you suffer from any kind of addiction AA should be your next stop (take it from one who has known and dated enough former addicts to break the rules of probability), but for us who don’t want to turn into addicts to join AA it’s a great book. At least if you’ve lived in London and are used to foul language.

Anyway, my point, dear readers, is that I realized I have my little addictions. I already knew I had patterns. Run from loneliness by creating loneliness is one of them (sounds counter-intuitive, but hey, constantly moving round the world and being a workaholic you’re too busy to get a stabile social life so you never need feel rejected). Using food and stories to combat loneliness is an addiction though. I always said that books were my drug as a kid. If it hadn’t been for stories I thought I’d ended up committing suicide or taking drugs. I never wanted to do either, but I figured that’s because I had something that gave me hope. People always look at me with incredulity when I say those things these days, because I’m no longer the shy kid hiding in my room, petrified of my step-sisters cool friends, but I still carry that child inside me. The child that couldn’t for the life of her understand why she didn’t have friends. Couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her, but figured she was seriously flawed somehow.

The truth is, I never fully opened up. I tried. Just as I tried liking myself. And it gets better all the time. I no longer want to run into walls because I hate myself so much and the experience in hospice was the latest thing that made me feel like I cracked open. And that comment about gran’s greatest desire brought it home even more — because there are few things more important than the people in our lives. I need to open myself up to those people. Unlike gran it isn’t just about family for me. I think everyone we love is family. And there are a whole bunchload of people I really love. I’d like to be fully present with them. And spend as much time with them as physically possible.

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The fairytale and I…

I was talking to someone yesterday about how some people make life seem like a fairy tale. You know the ones — they go above and beyond to make you feel treasured and make memories that last a lifetime.

Sometimes we get stuck thinking these people are special. When we’re with them we just experience the most magical stuff. Usually because they make sure we do, but at other times just because. As if the Universe conspired to give us those moments when we are with those people. I’m guessing because we are in the mood for magic, so we seek it. We look for adventure and we find it.

The truth is, there are millions of people on this planet and millions of experiences you could be having right this moment. The experience you are having is because of the choices you’ve made. Some choices we make are great, other suck, but we are free to create whatever we like in this moment. We can choose where our focus is.

Last year I decided I wanted to enjoy life, no matter how impossible the visa-kids-work-finances-business situation looked. That hasn’t been an easy journey, because, well there’s still that situation to deal with. But I’m enjoying myself so much more, because I’ve given myself permission to do so. Even in the face of being away from the kids.

It’s also about responsibility. No matter what we fall victim for, no matter what unfairness we experience, we still choose whether we want to feel like victims, or take whatever we can into our own hands.

For the past three days I’ve been bitching about the novel I’m writing. I’m stoked to be writing a novel, but I don’t seem to find inspiration. I don’t feel the flow. I just write because I have to and sometimes I don’t even muster that. Copywriting is much easier — even when you get stuck you can quite easily unstuck yourself. Writing a novel is another matter entirely.

Since yesterday I’ve been thinking about how we can choose to take responsibility for turning our life into a fairy tale. Often when we go through a rough patch, or lose someone we love, we feel like there’s no happiness left inside of us. Not the kind we would have if only the situation we are in would resolve itself, or if we would get that person back in our lives. We feel like we need that thing for happiness. The funny thing is, once we decide that we can find happiness and go off to create it, something happens. Those magical moments start appearing. Life slowly turns round. And while we may not feel as much happiness as we used to and we may still struggle with a situation (I woke up from yet another epic dream about my kids at four am this morning, for example, certain I couldn’t take another moment of this anguish), that doesn’t mean that we can’t take responsibility for making the most of the now.

This is my life. I want to live it. And I wanna write that novel. I can. If I only decide to. Just like you can find inspiration in life, if you only decide to.

As my friend William Whitecloud would say: focus creates reality.

I’m now focusing on writing a book, instead of moping about writing a book. I’m focusing on the characters I love, instead of the fear of missing a deadline. I’m focusing on what I’d love to create, instead of what I fear to create if I don’t find the inspiration.

Most people who make a conscious decision to get what they want, get it. Because they put their focus on it. Sadly, most people focus on getting what they think they need to be happy, instead of deciding to focus on simply creating happiness. Others focus on what they fear will happen, instead of what they would love to create. Yet others focus on the problems (like I did at four am this morning, certain my life would fall to pieces if I couldn’t control the SA government when it comes to visas and adoption rights), instead of what they’d love to create (a visa and an adoption paper).

Still, even if you don’t get exactly what you want all the time, your happiness is not dependent on that.

You can make your life wonderful. You’ve got that power.

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Image Source: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/507780926728637965/

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