Sailing solo…stark naked…

Have you ever felt like you cracked open? Like every event, every emotion, there ever was fell out of your chest and onto the world for full view? Today I felt like that and before my jet-lag dissipates and the fog leaves the hills once more and daylight enters, I will share it with you. Come tomorrow, having a clear head, I will once again want to sweep this story under the carpet. For now though, the hills are covered in fog and I feel safe and secure, sitting half asleep in my bed, writing.

Journeys end in lovers meeting, or so Shakespeare said. Traveling for me has always been a way of life. I have been blessed to see many places, I have had wonderful adventures and I have met some astounding people. Traveling has also always given me perspective – you cannot look at your life from the same point of view when you are looking at it from a different place, under different circumstances. What’s more, my passion for traveling has given me an excuse to always leave people and places before they leave me. I never worry what others think of me, because I don’t live there anyway. I don’t really care, so I feel free, independent and happy, but today I got sick of traveling. I don’t want to need to be constantly running to feel happy. After having my sister calling me yesterday complaining about not having seen me for eight months and a friend crying as I left London town, I just realized it’s about time I face up to it, if I want to end my journey in a loving meeting, rather than as soon as I want to become part of a town, a social circle, or a man, feel like I’m being judged and lose my self-confidence and start running all over again to feel safe, secure and confident.

Today I saw the movie The Time Traveler’s Wife on the plane. It wasn’t a good movie, it was poorly executed, but to me it meant the world to watch it, because suddenly I saw my life in a completely new light. I saw how it would have looked like from a time traveler’s perspective and what it would have been like having myself come back from the future to tell me not to be scared when things were rough.

If you could watch your life, your story, as a movie, what would you think of the protagonist? Would you not see your life in a different light? If you could go back in time and hold your own hand when you were a kid… If you could hug that kid and tell him or her what s/he really needed to know…what would you say?

Man do I wish there had been someone there to hold me when my mom was dying, telling me life is not all that scary. I wish there was someone who would have told me there was nothing wrong with me when the bullies were calling me names, or my step-mom was yelling at me. Lord do I wish there’d been someone to tell me that just because the boys didn’t like me, I wasn’t unlovable. When people asked me if I was anorexic because I was skinny, I wish there’d been someone there to tell me that skinny is pretty too. I wish someone would have just made me understand how gorgeous a person I was. What a beautiful human being I was. How lovable I was.

I really feel for the girl I once was. Watching it from the outside, all the panic, the fear, the sadness, the loneliness she felt and how she blamed herself over and over again for it. It seems absurd now, but she thought she was worthless because it was all her fault. She hated herself for others leaving her, or being mean to her. She kept trying to identify what was wrong with her. Why she was unlovable and how to solve it. There had to be something strange, because she was not mean to people, so why were they mean to her? What was wrong with her?

At the age of seventeen I went to Vancouver. One night, due to a row of events, I had a panic attack, only I didn’t know what it was. As it happened my host mom was angry with me, so she thought I was faking it and left me lying in a heap on the floor – only opening the door to the garden for fresh air. I had to crawl up on my own. I couldn’t call my dad as he was away in travels. It was too late to call someone in Vancouver. So I sat there thinking I might just die. I then swore that if I survived I would open a nursery for street children as no one should have to feel like I did then and there, or for that matter, other times in my childhood too. No one. Yet, I felt no sympathy for the girl who sat there herself. She was just a girl who on a daily basis fought her own insecurities, thinking the world would never love her unless she made herself more outgoing and cool. Unless she succeeded in becoming rich and famous. Her only true friend was her dreams – they didn’t hurt her. They just fueled her. So she set out to achieve them and her whole life changed. So did she, but the thoughts on the inside never completely changed. Not until today. Not until I saw that movie.

Do you know what your eyes look like when you feel loved? Do you know how they sparkle? Do you know how beautiful you are? Look at your hands – do they ever make something for you? Look at your feet – do they ever take you places? Look at your mouth – does it ever make you taste things? Look at you – aren’t you gorgeous? Aren’t you worth all the love in the world? Isn’t that just a beautiful person?


12 responses to “Naked

  1. divine…….everything is divine …..

    I bow to god in you……

    left hand governed by right brain represents the “soul”.
    right hand governed by left brain represents “body”.

    fold them together for prayer to experience oneness that is present and taste of god.
    that is namaste (eastern greeting gesture )

    Happiness is prayer and thanks to zero.every

    mile to smile………………….

    distance has no meaning,, meaning is ,, how you cover it…………………………….. discover smile to cover mile…..…………….to milestone eternal……………………. happy journey……………………. bless you……………………


  2. Pingback: We had coffee, which lead to… « Confessionsofadizzyblonde's Blog

  3. Really, really… worth reading.

    Thank you.



  4. Leanna

    Wow…I just read this and was glued to the screen. I understand what you mean about having everything seeming to go for you, people who would date you, jobs that would hire you, but never feeling that true satisfaction or feeling of “love”. I find that, especially in Los Angeles, it is easy to feel isolated and alone. Unloved, even. You spoke right to the heart, and I am touched. I think you’re very much a leader, and you will continue to be one. 🙂


    • Los Angeles is a bitch to start out in, because it’s not like London, Paris, or NYC where everything and everyone is around the corner. It’s a slow process to get to know this town, but I feel so happy with every new part of it that I discover! Maybe it also takes time to make “real” friends here, but the ones I have made are truly gorgeous!

      Thank you =)


  5. absolutely riveting … beautiful … I’m letting this wash over me. Thank you for speaking to my heart — and ego — they both need to understand this.


  6. Choccat

    Just discovered this post while browsing your blog and it really resonated with me. Thank you for being so candid, I am told that I am brutally honest on my blog but I don’t think I bared my soul in quite the way you have. Sincerely hope all is working out for you.


    • Hiya, thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts! As you have noticed me and comments…can take a while… I love getting them, but somehwere between waking up and going to bed I normally have so many things to do I get lost… However, I am starting a new trend of actually replying straight away if I can! I so appreciate reading them, so the least I can do is get back to people!

      I am glad you feel that you see some of the true me int he posts – I try to be as candid as I can, as much as I feel is right. I share what I want to share basically and I try to be honest so as to give other people a chance to be honest with themselves and feel OK with who they are. We all have our ups and downs and turn arounds. My wish is that we all become comfortable with where we are, yet always moving towardes our true core, our heart.

      Thank you for your well wishes – I hope so too 🙂

      All the best to you and yours,



  7. I love the first part of this blog when you keep running away from family friends commitment!
    As an Army Brat, I never had a Choce growing up. Orders would come and we would move on.
    State to state, post to post, school to school.
    I think there were something like 22 plus Elem and middle schools, along with jr and high school. Carrying that into adulthood meant never settling down…… My term for it ?

    Fleeing to anonymity……….until I became aware of what I was doing, relationships were just convenience stores along the hi way of life.
    It wasn’t until my early 40’s, I made the conscious on to stop running. Been blessed ever since……thanks for sharing


  8. I guess we come here to relearn how to love. Where we come from, our real Home, the very air or ether is filled with love. Bursting with it. Maybe we come here to earth to appreciate love. By incarnating we forget. And must find it again. Through losing love. Misunderstanding love. Loving love. Hating love. Wanting love. Withholding love. Being hurt by love. Betrayed by love. Forgiven by love. To know the other side of love. Maybe when we die, we realize that was the whole point of life. The Master Class subject was love all along. And so when we review our life just passed, we desperately want to go back armed with that knowledge. Make amends. Do a better job of it. And realise in the beautiful, frustrating illusion that it’s all about learning how to Love. Without exception. Without expectation. So we reincarnate. And forget. Again.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s