Recently someone asked me what I thought about them on that one day when they met me somewhere. Automatically I told them that I thought they were raw and vulnerable that day and that it was nice. More than nice. Oh, and I wanted to rip their clothes off.
He was like wearing this dark blue Ralph Lauren shirt and he was standing outside my office and he looked like… Oh, where was I?
Ah yes, back to the story…
Then it hit me that that wasn’t the full truth. Because, while that was true, the first thing I thought when I laid eyes on them that day was: “I’m in so much trouble because I could fall in love with that man.” Literally. I think that was the first thought that hit my mind. But when asked what I was thinking, it was the last thought that hit my mind. Because my ego didn’t want me to say that. My ego reverted to what it thought it was safe to say. But by saying what’s safe, we never get what we want.
I used to think that emotions landed you in trouble. So I always acted aloof. Hence, I dated aloof people, who when you showed emotions for them, ran for the hills. So, I kept proving my theory to be true: you have to remain aloof at all cost.
If I want to date people who aren’t aloof, I have to be open. If that’s what I’m showcasing, the right people will be attracted to me because they will see me. If I sell aloofness, guess who will be attracted to me? Yeah. The people who run when you show emotions.
As my friend William Whitecloud said: Your heart is what you want and when you communicate what you want, you create a bridge to having it. Most people communicate what they believe they need to do in order to have what they want, rather than communicating what they actually want.
I had some heartbreaking experiences as a kid and that’s why I started acting aloof. I thought that’s who you needed to be if you wanted to get a man to fall in love with you, while in fact the opposite is true.
My ego got offended, so I started protecting my ego. Started lying about who I am. Instead of just being myself and knowing that the right match will find you and the rest will fall away. It’s simple, really. Once you remove the ego.
And I have other ways of reacting that aren’t helpful when interacting with people too. I have to actively check what I tell clients, business partners, friends, family, etc. Am I saying what I want to say? Or am I doing and saying things in the hope of eliciting the reaction I want?
It’s like making someone breakfast in bed and complimenting them in hopes that will spur them into taking you out for date nights, because that’s what you need to feel loved. You could just tell them that’s what you need to feel loved and ask them what they need? Maybe it’s not breakfast in bed. Maybe it’s something else entirely.
What I’ve done in the name of provoking men to do the things I wanted them to do is too long a list to write about here. Let’s just say I’m doing my best to amend my ways.
Anger is another classic example.
Next time you snap at someone, ask yourself if snapping is an effective way of communicating your feelings? Why are you snapping? What could they do to make you not snap? If it’s their fault. It could just be that you’re making assumptions that aren’t true.
For example, some people assume that because their partner always works late, they don’t care about them, so they snap at them when they come home. This makes their partner feel unwelcome. Not just that: it makes them feel unappreciated for the work they put in to earn money for the household. So the next night, they work even later, or go to a bar after work; seeking appreciation elsewhere.
The person snapping at their partner wants to feel loved, but doesn’t; that’s why they’re snapping. Creating a nasty atmosphere. Instead they could just say that they feel neglected and would like to feel appreciated. Feel loved. They can then ask their partner if there’s a way of creating that. Of doing something nice together where they both feel loved and appreciated.
This is a simple table explaining it:
I feel neglected = I’d like to feel appreciated and this is what you can do to achieve it — do you have any other ideas? And how can I make you feel appreciated?
I feel disrespected = I’d like to feel respected and this is what I consider being respected means — do you have any other ideas for what it means? And how can I make you feel respected?
I feel unloved = I’d like to feel loved and these are things that make me feel loved — do you have any other ideas? And how can I make you feel loved?
I don’t feel valued for the work I do = I’d like to feel like a valued member of the team and this is how I see that happening. Do you have any other ideas for making me feel valued? And how can I make you feel like a valued team member?
Before I get anymore tangled up in trying to explain what it means to communicate from your heart, this is yours truly. Over and out.