Tag Archives: confidence

Out of the shadows and into the light…

What makes you squirm uncomfortably? Often somewhere in our squirming moments we tend to find ourselves.

Personally I have this issue with helplessness and receiving care; usually because I confuse the two.

If people care for me I think they believe I need their care because I have some flaw, something I can’t handle myself, and they pity me and want to help. It’s a most humiliating feeling.

As a kid I thought the only reason most people cared for me was because I’d lost my mom. I was bullied and my step-mom wasn’t particularly nice to me so when people were nice I assumed it was pity, because so many people weren’t nice to me, meaning I must have some fault. Otherwise, why was I constantly rejected?

I even had this idea my mom hadn’t loved me – she refused hugging me the last time I saw her, then she died without leaving behind any letters left saying she loved me. It was not a good 24 hours of my life. And afterwards there was a huge hole inside of me and I didn’t know how to fill it. Being cared for by someone hurt when you could lose them, so my six year old self thought.

What’s more, my dad always encouraged me to better myself, so on another plane, I had this idea love was related to achievement. The only times I felt love was real was when people said “I love you, but…” Because then I could keep the idea of being flawed. If they seemed to just randomly love me, without pitying me (i.e. they actually seemed to care), I thought them stupid, or blind…take your pick.

Together with some early on rejections on the love front (try having your emotions and rejection trumpeted to a whole school when you’re fifteen – I blushed for a week straight), I’m not very good with emotions. I simply don’t want to confess to having them (not even to myself), because I think they cause trouble.

This has manifested in different ways in my life. First I became shy as I figured it was better being rejected for who I was not, than showing my real me. Then I wanted to change that and ended up always trying to prove my own strength. My can-do attitude. My willingness to perfect myself. My fiercely independent spirit. I feel safe when I’m independent. I feel in charge.

As my principal in drama school would have said, I’ve gone from using one cover (shy) to using another (independent). Being the seeker I am (and being as miserable as I was) I’ve always worked on myself though. I wanted to find happiness and happiness has a lot to do with self-love, loving people and letting them love you back. So I’ve worked on it. And recently what made me realize there’s a way to go is the “being cared for” thing.

When people try to care for me beyond my comfort level three things might happen: I feel suffocated (I can’t accept the care), I feel embarrassed (clearly they think I need help), or I think they’re being ridiculous (i.e. still thinking people blind to the real me). In some cases, I might also question if they’re doing it just to later embarrass me by telling me it wasn’t real (it really was very traumatic being fifteen, OK). If I actually want to receive the care I feel completely helpless because I don’t know how to. This leads to me wanting to be alone so I can feel powerful again and I can turn mean in the process of pushing people away.

Due to this I have had a tendency to fall for aloof men – men I connect with intellectually and/or physically. I don’t have to open up emotionally, because they’re like clams (or well, you know, a little bit clammy at least). They’re never completely into me, which means I don’t truly have to ever lose them. They won’t look after me, so I won’t feel stupid.

When I dated caring men in the past, it was always men I didn’t really have a connection with, so they never got close and I remained safe and aloof.

In a nutshell: the guys I liked didn’t care and the guys who liked me I didn’t care about.

Now, I could blame this on fate, or I could look at the common denominator in all this: me. I choose to look at me.

This year I’ve decided to turn everything in my life on its head, including my emotional life. I will do the things I fear the most. Like opening up socially in the place I call home, instead of waiting to go to places where I feel anonymous and safe. I will professionally go where I’m the most scared to go, because I care the most. I will also only date caring men I care about AND have a connection with. It will probably make me wanna puke, run for my life and feel like a claustrophobic person stuck in an elevator, but I’m determined that the only relationships I will have are soulful ones. In fact, I want everything in my life to be soulful – my work, my home, my kids, my friends…

For so long I’ve wanted to be the person who didn’t care, who didn’t feel, who just went on adventures and ran off with the circus. Well, whilst I do like the adventures and I’d happily join a circus for a while, I’d like to explore caring. Right here, right now. I’d also like to explore being with someone. Someone who would go on adventures with me; near and far. Someone I could create a home with, but also have freedom with. I like being independent, but I don’t like being a fool. And I’ve been a fool for long enough.

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Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926716211533/ 

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The turned on life…

Last night I went to this event. On a rooftop. Music playing. Tropical winds blowing. Stars twinkling. The silhouette of mountains as our backdrop. It was beautiful. I was happy. I was happy because I felt free. Like there were no thoughts hampering me, or holding me back. I wasn’t shy, nor trying on any attitudes to hide my fear, I was just there taking in life. I was alive. Truly alive.

And as I stood there chatting to a group of people this man goes: “You know you are a very pretty woman. A very, very pretty woman. You really are pretty you know.” A few minutes later he repeated this and when he said goodbye he said so again.

When you meet someone you don’t know what they’ve been through. You’ll likely make some assumptions. To me hearing those words last night was like a breeze of kindness sweeping over me. Not because I think I’m ugly and needed to hear I’m pretty, but because someone cared enough to compliment me.

I grew up being bullied both at home and at school. As a kid I could live off a compliment for months, because I didn’t get that many. They were like a hope – a beacon of light – promising me that maybe, maybe I was worth something after all. Most of the time I got to hear I was a geek and I should shut up, or at home that my step-sisters were fabulous and I was not. It took me many, many years to build up my confidence and heal my wounds. It took me many years to be happy just being me and trusting that there truly are kind people around.

A compliment I often receive these days is hearing I’m the most interesting person someone’s ever met and that I live the most astounding life. I feel both proud and like a bit of a fake when they tell me that though. I may have done interesting things and learnt a lot along the way, but that doesn’t mean I was happy all along, or that my day-to-day life was much more than being married to my Mac (work) or working my ass off to help some children.

I always focused on my career, because I was less scared of that. I had confidence in my abilities, but not in myself. And I love what I do, so I kept thinking I’d be happy the day I have artistic freedom – when I can run whatever projects I want. I was so frustrated having to do other things to make a living I invested all my free time in trying to build a career for myself running my own business, working on charity and making my own movies. Yet, it was always my excuse – you guys go have fun, I’ll go and work. And somewhere along the line I had enough – I want to live, not just try to make it.

I will always work double hours, I have no doubt, because I really do love the projects I run, but I will take time to live too; not just through my projects but through myself. I want to dance till the small hours, drink wine with interesting people in cozy wine bars, go hiking in sun burnt hills, sip coffee and talk about artistry and discuss ideas and projects that set my heart on fire. I want to run away on impulsive trips filled with adventure and discover the scents, spices, foods and impressions of different cities and people around the globe. I want to make love till the morning, go skinny dipping in foreign seas and love freely with every inch of my being. I want friends that make my heart come alive. I want to live. In every area of my life.

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Image Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/507780926714255703/ 

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Real women…

Real women aren’t skinny. They don’t have curves. They aren’t athletic and toned. Real women love their body and treat it as their temple. They look after it and feed it well. Real women are more than a body. They are a heart. A soul. They are capable of loving, living and laughing. Real women feel their heart in their body. They feel their sensuality, sexuality and love pumping through them; exploding into the air around them. Real women never have to say they are real women because they have a certain body. Real women know.

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I want to fulfill your desires…

Isn’t funny how one of our greatest desires in life is to make others happy? We screw up royally at times, because we are not in our heart who makes them happy, but we have a built in urge to make people happy.

Part of this seems to be our ego – we just want our ego stroked so we don’t have to take responsibility for evaluating our own worth; living in harmony with our own conscience, constantly evolving. Another part of it seems to be a biological thing – we need others for survival and procreation. Yet, another thing I believe is simply that we experience ourselves through others. We align with those who strive for the same goals and see the world through our eyes. I don’t think, no matter how aware and happy in yourself that you are, that you do not feel better when loved by others.

It’s like the whole “you must not want a partner to find one.” I think that’s bullshit. I don’t think you should need someone else to be happy and live a fulfilled life, but I do think a part of your life is missing if you don’t have a satisfactory relationship (or relationships if you are into the poly circle), if that’s part of your make-up. What is true though is that desperation clouds people eyes and neediness is about as great a turn on as…ketchup?

I find it quite endearing how we wish to make each other happy – to be a person who brings a smile to someone’s lips. At the same time it scares me to see how much people shut down out of fear they won’t be loved and appreciated by those around them. You see few people who show up without attitude, completely grounded in themselves. People who really do know that they are OK as they are and are simply looking to find people who they have a genuine heart and soul connection with, not people who are drawn to their scars (i.e. present them with a mirror of their self-imate), or who stroke their ego. To see people really calm, fully present with other people, not speeding up their thoughts looking for things to say, or desperately wanting to share things in their own life, or constantly thinking about what to say next…is simply rare. Truly present people are hard to come by. Most people are  playing their inner monologue non-stop 24/7 – what they think they need and want in life now; what they think about the person next to them; what to say next; what others are thinking about them.

Yeah we all want love. In all our own ways. I just wish the world would open their hearts to each other a bit more. Invite each other in to see who they truly are, instead of presenting an outer they believe will be liked. The problem with that, of course, is that you then will be liked or loathed for your outer, not your inner. And so you remain unloved.

You should aim to find the people who connect with your heart. Not the ones who don’t. They don’t matter, because they won’t serve your heart anyway. They will only tear you apart. Just like you aren’t looking to sell your script to the world, you are looking to sell it to those who will get something out of reading it. If only we focused on that instead – heart and soul connections – instead of trying to conquer the world. It’s about fulfilling each other’s desires, not about people whose desires you can’t fulfill or people who can’t fulfill yours.

I have rejected so many cities for the City of Angels. I wonder if the other cities are offended, or if they are just happy I found home?

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Impossible is nothing…

Yes, that’s an adidas slogan, I know. My dad used to tell me that if you really want to you can eat a brick. He also taught me that asking for money from the state, unless you really need to, isn’t a good idea. He said that if you truly want a job, you will get one, so if it’s mopping the floor in your local grocery store. Then he’d proceed to a lecture about the work attitude in Sweden compared to the one in China. In Sweden it’s quite possible to be paid for being unemployed because you can’t find work that you want you get paid for your unemployment (although it’s gotten harder in recent years). In China you don’t get paid to be at home because there is no work that you want, so you just take what’s available. He also taught me that you should go for it – aim for the top of the mountain and that there are no excuses why not to get there. Second place is no place.

Everyone I talked to in London when I got here, pretty much, told me that getting a job now is close to impossible. In less than a week I have been offered two jobs and have interviews for four other today and let me tell you, I didn’t hand out more than 40 odd CVs (that’s resumes for you Americans =). I don’t know if I am being lucky, if I happen to have what they are looking for, or if getting work in London isn’t too hard after all. Not if you go for what you think is available. Have I been paid a lot more before? Yes. Am I going to sulk about it? No. Would I rather make a gazillion dollars from my own biz? Yes. Is that going to happen right this instant? No.

It’s so easy to get stagnant – if I am not going to the top of Everest, I will not move. Well, sometimes we have to walk up Kilimanjaro first. It may not be Everest, but it’s a mountain nonetheless and to have gotten to the top of one mountain is a hell of a lot better than sitting at the bottom of another. Sometimes you may even find that the view from that mountain is preferable. If nothing else, it will prepare you for the climb to the higher mountain.

I, for one, have wanted to get to the top of Everest when it comes to work and I have refused Kilimanjaro. I never learnt how to think small – I get an idea for a company and before counting to ten, I have developed the company, come up with five other great services to offer and turned it into a conglomerate. Great ideas. Absolutely impossible to get to unless you have dough.

I’m a Leo. They say we sneer at things we think are below us, but as a wise man said a couple of thousand of years ago: it’s the server that will enter the Kingdom, not the one asking for services.

Learning to be humble is an art. Learning to learn from whatever is on your plate and not wanting to have the most incredible thing ever to start off with, is an art. Think about it: you sit there praying, meditating and dreaming of the day you will be acting against Leo Di Caprio (mmmmmm). You are offered great parts in smaller movies by friends, but you refuse as you have a good Agent and you want to be available if a Di Caprio movie (or similar) comes along. Who says that the smaller movies wouldn’t have gotten you to the bigger one? Who says you wouldn’t learn what you needed to learn to get the better part? Who says that the little indie can’t become a blockbuster? Who says that meeting a young Director today won’t give you a part in a multi-million dollar production five years from now, when the Director has gotten established? Who says that going for gold won’t bring you diamonds in the end? For sure if you are going for nothing, you are a lot less likely to get diamonds in the end.

Speaking of going for the top of a mountain – isn’t it funny how we live our whole life as a judgment? If you got a step up the mountain today, you feel good. If someone pushed you a step down, or you fell, you feel bad. If you go out with someone you judge how well you did at the date. If you fail in any respect, or things just aren’t going your way it’s bad. It hurts. Because then we feel imperfect, so we feel unworthy of our own love. Only when life happens to take us up Everest do we feel good about ourselves. When we think life is showing us how perfect we are, we feel good. No one is better or worse than you, people have just been raised differently and therefore make different decisions in their lives.

My best friend, not so jokingly said to another friend the other week: “No, she will succeed, because she will kill herself if she doesn’t. So she will succeed alright.” I almost choked on my hot chocolate. Since last fall, when I met someone who wanted to kill themselves unless they succeeded, my grandest work on myself has been to live for what is, not for what I want to be. Apparently I haven’t succeeded all that well (see, I’m failing. Horrors! Bring on the punishment – three days in the torture chamber for dizzy blonde…NOT).

How many football players do you think, during the world cup, were, inside their minds alternating: “I did that well *I’m happy* I screwed that up *I’m bad*” every two or three minutes and had mood swings thereafter? And how many did just have a blast playing a game they love to play? You can still evaluate, but just imagine having fun all the time, how awesome wouldn’t that be?

My best friend may or may not become famous. She may or may not become rich. She may or may not marry her Prince. She may or may not stay beautiful till the day she’s a hundred and two. Will I like her less or more because of this? No. I love her just the way she is. Would I love myself more or less if I achieved the above though? Yeah, probably. Would I be jealous of her if she achieved more than me? Yeah, probably. Not because I wouldn’t want her to have that, but because I’d judge myself in comparison. It’s hard to love others when you aren’t loving yourself. I don’t want that to be the case though, so I’m trying to stop being a judge and start being a lover. I want to enjoy myself every day, I want to enjoy life every day, not waste time feeling miserable and hurt if I’m not on top of everything. Especially as no matter how high I go, I can probably go higher, so I will forever judge myself. Judgment doesn’t stop just because you reach a benchmark – it stays with you for life unless you become a lover.

If I think about one day having a man in my life and kids, I get ashamed, because I know I will treat them as I treat myself to some extent and I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t want to be jealous of them if they achieved more than me and I wouldn’t want to judge them and their lives as I judge myself. I want them to be happy. I want them to feel like a million dollars every single day of their lives. So shouldn’t I want that for myself? There’s nothing stopping me really, I can just shove the judge out the door and start loving myself right now. I can make love to life every single second of every single day. It seems tricky, but after all, if there is one thing that I know well, it’s that impossible is nothing.

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Are Swedish people really best in bed???…

Someone googled the headline of this post and ended up on my blog, so I feel obliged to answer them: yes, naturally. We are Swedish. That says it all. Seriously speaking, I can’t believe someone would google this. I mean seriously?!!!! There is a Swedish saying: taste is like the butt – divided in two parts. Literally meaning that we all have different tastes and as far as I know there is no sex school in Sweden that’s giving extraordinary lessons, although I wish there was. How cool wouldn’t it be to be taught sex? Wouldn’t that remove a lot of the hysteria around the whole thing? Of course sex has everything to do with personal chemistry too, but nonetheless, the Indians and Taoists were teaching this like how many centuries ago? Have we digressed or something?

How many people have ever felt like they’d like to know exactly how to push someone’s buttons in bed? Hands up? OK, quite a few of you…. I know for one that I wish someone would have taught me what to do and not to do in bed before I tried it out. I mean saving oneself heart palpitations or what? Having said that, if you truly love someone, I’m sure you’ll figure it all out together anyway, it’s just most people end up in bed way before they love one another and instead of exploring they are both trying to prove what sex gods/goddesses they are, totally freaking out about the other person’s opinion of them. It’s of course different in different cultures, I have lived in the city for a long time and it truly is Sex And The City, if you get my point – I know very few people who wait to have sex until they know they love someone, or at least trust them. However, love and trust apart, no matter how much you explore, wouldn’t it just be handy to learn from the masters? I mean, even if I have danced since I was a kid, I wouldn’t say no to a lesson from Liza Minelli! And if there is as big a difference between being good in bed and being great in bed as there is between being a dancer and being a professional dancer…hey, give me some classes!!!

All of life is an art, sex included, I just wish we could all take the pressure off (including the Swedes with their ultra reputation to live up to…) and have fun, learn, practice (with whom you see fit)…and treat it as the art it should be. Now I’m off to read two books – one is called The Mastery of Love (re-read) and the other The Multi-Orgasmic Couple. I swear by the first one, the second one…I’ll let you know when I get a boyfriend…

No, Swedish, hello!!!!

You gotta see the humor in things…even in sex…

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