Tag Archives: conscious life

If I can’t have you, I’ll have chocolate instead…

Have you ever had chocolate instead of sex? Oh come on, who hasn’t?! Or are you a chocolate virgin? If so, congrats. You’re the first I’ve ever met… 

Yesterday, I talked about relieving tension when we feel something uncomfortable — the urge to replace the discomfort by something else and, in the process, doing more harm than good as we aren’t dealing with the discomfort. We are putting a bandaid on a wound that needs surgery. It temporarily feels better, but the wound is only getting worse. 

But we also usually seek to relieve tension when we desire something we don’t have. Be it sex, intimacy, love, intellectual stimulation, etc. These are natural urges. All good in their own right. But how we relieve the tension when those urges aren’t fulfilled, isn’t always great. For example, you’re bored at work (you desire intellectual stimulation), but as you can’t have it as you need to finish the darn Excel file (never let me touch an Excel file), you check your Facebook. Other times, we have sex with one person, when we desire to be with another. We may also eat ice cream instead of having sex, or go for a run. Anything to distract ourselves from that burning desire.

Sometimes it’s good to relieve tension. When you’re sexually frustrated, going for a run isn’t a bad idea. It will help you get fitter. It will release feel-good chemicals. You’ll get your high. Eating a ton of ice cream, on the other hand, may not be so helpful. A long run and then a piece of chocolate, or a little bit of ice cream, is a better idea. (That said: there are days when a whole pint of ice cream is totally justified, depending on the brand of ice cream. If you’re eating shit ice cream it just won’t work.)

In the beginning of this year I met a friend of mine for coffee. I was upset. I felt like crying. I was mourning an acquaintance who’d committed suicide. A man I never got to know properly, because when he reached out to me, I was too scared to get to know him, even though I felt drawn to him. You see, in my mind various scenarios played out and I settled for the worst case scenario. 

He could be someone I’d get to know and nothing. No connection. 

He could be someone I’d get to know who’d become a friend. 

He could also be my soulmate. 

And he could be depressed and end up committing suicide, whether we have a connection or not. So it’s probably best I don’t go near him. Don’t explore him. I’ve created enough drama in my life as is. 

The week he committed suicide, I was planning to reach out to him about something. He died before I got around to doing it. And once again those scenarios were flashing through my mind. I felt a sense of regret I’ve never felt before. I felt sure God was making some sort of joke. That it was all wrong. That I’d wake up the next day and he’d still be alive and I’d talk to him to find out. Find out if we had a connection, or not. 

When I met with my friend in the coffee shop, feeling like an emotional wreck, he didn’t react at all like I’d expected. Simply, because I’d never expected him to say he was jealous of me. He was jealous that I felt something so strongly, because it’d been years since he’d done that. 

The other night, when I came home, I felt pain. This time about someone else. I didn’t want to feel that pain. I thought about speaking with one of my neighbors. I thought about talking to a friend. I thought about reading a book. I thought about doing an array of different things to distract myself from the pain. 

Then, as I was sitting on the toilet, because as we all know, that’s the perfect place to sit, I thought to myself: I’m feeling. This is what it means to be alive. And in that moment, the pain dispersed, because I allowed myself to feel it instead of holding onto it while fighting it. 

By that I don’t mean to say that all the sadness went away. It didn’t. I was told I looked like a wreck the next day. Always charming. But I was still ecstatic about life. I knew other experiences would follow. Good and bad. I knew I was alive, because I was feeling something. 

Life is a journey of ups and downs. Good and bad. Happy and sad. If we numb the bad stuff, we also numb the good stuff. And if we numb the bad stuff, it doesn’t go away. It just gets stuck somewhere and we have to keep numbing it. Keep fighting for it to stay away from the forefront of our mind. But by fighting we hold onto it.

Relieving tension can be good. The day after I was sad, I went to see a friend. Took in some rays. Sat by the beach, getting hugs. It was nice. It took my mind in different directions. Getting stuck reveling in something isn’t good. Be it sexual frustration, or the pain of losing a loved one. You need to purposefully focus your mind on things that move your life forward. 

In short, if you feel a strong desire, or pain, watch out what you do to relieve that tension. If you want to create a great love life, for example, it’s better joining an online dating site than fucking your neighbor. Fucking the neighbor will bring instant satisfaction, but you’ll wake up without a great love life the next morning. Joining a dating site may feel like a mission and bring no instant rewards, but in the end, it’s likely to take you closer to your goal. 

Lastly, sometimes it’s good to do nothing. Hang with the tension. The obvious path forward will reveal itself if you are just willing to wait for it. Stay with what you’re feeling until you find the obvious thing to do that will propel you in the direction of your dreams. That’s to say: the direction that will fulfill your desires and remove your pains. 

In short, if you can, hang with the tension without for that matter reveling in it. If you need to relieve the tension, think of good ways of doing so — ways that take you closer to your goals. If you can’t come up with any, put on a pair of jogging shoes and run for your life or do P90X till you want to kill Tony. Scrap that, you always want to kill Tony. Do it till Tony is killing your body. Then bliss out on chocolate. Or pasta. Or both. (And FYI it’s been scientifically proven that the ups and downs of love addiction, i.e. the highs and lows you have in a relationship, can be counteracted by exercise and carbs. And if it works for love, it must work for other things too.)

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde

No running shoes, no problem…

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Filed under addiction, Behavior, diary, emotions, empowerment, Happiness, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Musings, Thoughts

My choice to shine…

I just tried to Google duck recipes, but ended up with dick instead of duck. Just the way to start a Monday morning. Oh, and the toddler got out of bed to pee in the toilet, but peed standing on the floor next to the bed instead. 

Frankly, I’ve had a wonderful morning. These are just little funny events. The sun is shining, Cape Town looks glorious and people have been nice to me this morning. 

I was thinking about this the other day. People being nice. I was feeling a bit sad and angry because of something. Like I’d imagined this perfect day that just wasn’t happening. And instead of making the moment great, I just felt disappointed. Just then I ended up talking to one friend of mine that showed me kindness. Simply by helping me with some car issues. Just hearing his voice I calmed down, because I knew I have people in my life who care about me. 

And it hit me how much kindness matters. Yesterday my business partner went on a rant about how as long as I don’t have a stable boyfriend in my life, he is going to make sure I’m OK with the things that, in his opinion, a man should handle because clearly I have to multitask too much. It was really sweet. 

My kid’s homeschooling teacher this morning asked me how I was doing. Left me a message asking questions. That perked me up as well. Just knowing people care. 

I think it’s important to acknowledge the people in your life who are showing up for you by showing up for them (as mentioned in a previous blog, it doesn’t come natural for me to check in on people, I’m learning to do that) and sometimes, by giving them a gift or something else to show you care. I don’t always take time for this, and sometimes I’m too shy to do it, but I must start doing it. Because it’s who I want to be. 

Also, remember focus. When I was upset I was focusing on something in my life that wasn’t working as I wanted it too. When I spoke to my friend, I started focusing on things in my life that were working, such as beautiful friendships. That shifted my mood.

The thing is, we often get stuck thinking about how to figure out what’s not working. How to solve problems. Or simply reveling in the problems. When we do, we feel like shit. I could have been very upset about the peeing episode this morning. I wasn’t. Because I didn’t waste any time thinking about it. It took three minutes to clean up. Big deal. But when we’re frustrated, or sad, any thing is a big deal. When, on the other hand, we think about what’s working, such as living in gloriously beautiful Cape Town, having amazing people in your life and making more money an hour than some make a week here, we see these small events as funny. OK, I was temporarily frustrated as I didn’t understand the logic of peeing by the bedside, but it didn’t take long to see the humor. 

If there’s a problem, deal with it. Man up to it. Take charge. Don’t get stuck thinking about it. Take action. Any action. Start moving beyond it. If one thing doesn’t work, try another until you find a solution. Just don’t bury yourself in the problem. Everyone goes through shit. It’s how you deal with it that determines if it sinks you or you conquer.

I can write you a long list of problems I have and that Cape Town has, but I live in a city filled with sunshine and star shine, glorious beaches and tall mountains, incredible city scapes and natural wonders, tasty foods and delicious treats, roaring fireplaces and beautiful gardens, laughing people and shining intelligence… I live in paradise. If only I choose to see it that way. It’s my choice. Mine alone. My choice to see the wonders in my life and my city. My choice.  

Funnily, when you start seeing the things in life that shine, you start to shine. You start to sparkle. You become a star in other people’s night sky.

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Filed under Awareness, conscious lifestyle, Conscious Living, diary, Friends, Friendship, friendships, Inspiration, Inspirational, kindness, Mindfulness, Motivation, Musings, relationships, self help, Self-help, The Mind, Uncategorized

An orgasmic experience…

No, I’m not talking about OM meditation. Though some of my friends in San Fran swear by it.

Nor am I talking about tantra, though I have attended workshops.

I’m not even talking about sex at all. I’m talking about you. Yes, YOU.

I love mornings. As the sun rises, I can feel the life force beating within me. The raw force of being alive. The hunger to live. Or, at the very least: the longing for a cup of coffee. 

I have desires awakening within me and it feels good.

There have been times when I haven’t had that. When I’ve needed a soak in an ice cold bathtub to even be able to feel my own soul. But the soul doesn’t die. It just goes to sleep sometimes. 

Anyway, I see mornings as a new beginning. A clean slate. A chance to start over. 

And this morning there were some particularly beautiful clouds in the sky and I was feeling excited about the day ahead. About life. About new beginnings. 

And what hit me is that new beginnings mean forgiving ourselves. To truly let go of our past. 

You are not your yesterday. Simply, because it’s not yesterday anymore. Today is a new day. So you can be whoever you like. 

Sure, you may have scars. Bleeding wounds, even. Some of us have no job, weigh fifteen pounds too much, have a horrible relationship, are a million dollars in debt, are complete sugar addicts, or some other such nuisance we have to deal with. Beause we do have have to deal with it, but we don’t have to be stuck with it. Bury ourselves in it. It can become the past too, if only we let it.

Look upon it this way: you can think about yourself as an unfit loser who prior to today hasn’t exercised in ten years, or you can think about yourself as someone who is now exercising. The two will bring about very different feelings and, therefore, very different actions. 

Most people make their problems, perceived flaws, past mistakes, and supposed undesirable sides, their main focus. Then they freak out and do something to try to resolve the tension they feel. Like downing a bottle of wine, exercising for ten hours straight, eating a cake, binge watching Netflix, or burying themselves in work. Which only creates more problems. So when you shift your focus to think about something else — something other than your problems or flaws — your life changes. Because you stop doing the stupid shit you’re doing to mentally have a break from your problems.

Face the problem/pain. Because you have to. Then move past it. Refocus your attention.

So, even if you haven’t exercised for ten years and are fifteen pounds overweight, think about yourself as someone who exercises. Even if it’s just walking around the block. Congratulate yourself on that. What you did the past ten years doesn’t matter. What you’re doing right now, which is walking around the block, is what matters. Soon, as someone who exercises, you’ll naturally walk two blocks. This will make you feel better, so you’ll start doing small sprints. Then you’ll…

You’re free you know. Free not to think about your past. Free to create your future. Free to do whatever the hell you like. So choose to do something that serves you. Something that fuels you. Something that lifts your spirits. It may take a while for you to really feel it. No one feels great when exercising for the first time in ten years. Nor does saving a dime when you owe a million feel like much. Most likely: you don’t feel it. May take three weeks to notice a difference in your state of mind after chaning your habits. But sure as hell you’ll notice. You’ll move forward. You’ll feel better. 

And remember: it’s not about an overnight overhaul. You don’t have to stop eating sugar entirely. You can just make sure you have one cake instead of two. Or eat a salad before the cake. Or go for a run before eating the cake. Set little goals. Tiny ones. If you can’t handle the big stuff, and most people can’t over night, do the little stuff. Don’t think about it as climbing Kilimanjaro. Think about it as stepping stones.

Can’t master that? Can’t save a dime a day, or go for a run before having cake? Then do something else that you CAN do. Smile at someone. Hug someone. Donate a dollar to a worthy cause. Plant a tree. Smile at the shy girl. (As someone who used to be shy I can tell you now that a smile…it can be life transforming. That’s the power you have.) Join a charity. Do an act of kindness.

Because, you see, the more you do worthy things, the more worthy you feel. The worthier you feel, the easier it will be to forgive your past and present woes and allow yourself to do the things that make you happy in the present. Because suddenly, you feel like you deserve them. And by doing them, you become an even better person.

Really, the solution for an orgasmic life is love. Because if you love yourself you automatically do things to create what you love and give love to others. Your life’s pleasure level will be on top. But most of us don’t love ourselves inside and out, so it helps with, you know giving a flower to a homeless person, even if you don’t feel like it. Because even if you messed everything else up that day, at least you know you did something good. And it’s that one good thing you need to hold onto.

So even if you don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning for your own sake, do it for someone else. Do it for something beyond you. Something bigger than you. Failing that, hire someone to kick you out of bed every morning. Create a structure you can’t get out of.

Life is about two things: your thoughts and your habits; your structure. If you change your thoughts, you change your structure. If you change your structure, you change your thoughts. And if you change either, you change your life.

You’re free. Today is a new day. A clean slate. An orgasmic opportunity. So look upon yourself as a present opportunity, not a past mistake. Look upon yourself as someone who has the power to transform lives. If so, only with a smile. And I can tell you right now, that while a smile to a stranger may change their lives, or at the very least: make their day better, a smile to someone who loves you means the world to them.

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Filed under achievement, addiction, Goals, Inspiration, Motivation, Spirituality, success, Uncategorized

Taking charge…

This is one hell of an epic blog. No, it’s not because I’m such an epic writer (but I am). No, it’s not because it’s funny as F or because I have turned everything into a sexual metaphor that’ll make you laugh (for once it isn’t). No, this blog is epic, because every time I read it, I learn something. 

You see, this is actually an interview I did for Vigyaa a little while back. I interviewed someone I respect. Someone who has helped me endlessly. Someone who has changed my life for the better. Someone I have a lot of faith in. I interviewed my coach. 

We spoke about fate v.s. faith. Destiny v.s. being in charge of creating our lives. Maybe it was fate that I met Marc. Maybe it was fate that I got in touch with his partner when I woke up one day and decided I’d had enough of living my life the way I was living it. Maybe it was all fated. But since I started working with Marc, my life has changed because I worked for that. 

I started by asking Marc what the first thing he teaches his clients is (as when he started coaching me, I already knew some of the principles he was teaching, if not in the way he was applying them). 

His answer was that you have to start by accepting that you are responsible for everything you create in your life. Because of the agreements you’ve made with yourself (i.e. your beliefs) you are generating emotions that generate behaviors that, in turn, create patterns in your life.  

If we are unconscious (i.e. not aware of the thoughts in our conscious/subconscious) then we are unconscious to the behaviors that create these situations. I.e. we just can’t understand why we are always so lucky at work and always so unlucky in love. We think life just happens to us. 

Life, in reality, is a series of choices. If we’re unconscious, we don’t understand that we have a choice. Ca. 90% of the population have no experience of being fully conscious. Being unconscious is the same as saying you can’t see the label from inside the jam jar — you don’t have an experience outside the jar. You don’t know there’s a possibility to have it even. Basically, you’re trapped within your own point of view and you aren’t even aware of it.

We simply don’t realize that we’re creating our life and the choices we’re making to create it. We are creating unconsciously and must make a decision to become conscious, if that’s what we want. Once a client understands this, once they understand that they are creating a lot of what’s going on in their lives, Marc agrees to start coaching them. 

That’s not to say it’s someone’s fault what they’ve created — they aren’t aware of the things that motivated them to create it. 

If you want to consciously/awarely start creating your life, you need to know that there is only one creative structure: knowing where I am and where I want to get to. Then there are steps to take to get there. 

Creating something can be intuitive — by using our intuition we speed things up. It needs to be heart based for this to happen. If you intuitively get where you are and where you need to go, as well as the steps you need to take to get there, then you speed things up. 

If, on the other hand, you’re letting your beliefs run the show and approach something unconsciously, it becomes dysfunctional. By doing it consciously and intuitively, it becomes functional. 

Sometimes we go through life unconsciously, then have a glimmer of recognition about what it means to be conscious. 

Marc always used to date men who cheated on him. Then he dated one guy and his friends told him he was cheating on him. He said that could surely not be true, and asked the guy if he cheated on him. He denied it. But Marc started to have an inkling that something felt familiar. As if he was repeating a pattern. And sure enough, he found out that the guy was lying to him.

In the past, Marc would deny any recognition that someone was cheating on him until it became blatantly obvious. This time, he took the time to find out; started noticing that something seemed similar to other cheating guys when he denied he was cheating. 

Marc, in the past, was acting from his ego. Once he started becoming conscious, he started acting form his heart. He would feel into a situation and ask himself if what was going on truly felt right. Did he really think the guy was telling the truth? Once he started feeling into it intuitively, he knew the answer. He no longer let himself be blinded by his own desires, which, in the end, always led him to disappointment. 

This is mine, Maria’s metaphor: Think about it as a ship taking you to America. You really want to go to America. Somewhere deep down inside, you also think life’s hard. Filled with difficulties. Bad things happen to you. But you have decided once you get to America, everything will change. So you buy a ticket to a ship that’s leaking. It’s just a small leak. The captain says it will be fine. You can’t afford another ticket (or at least you don’t think so), so you go ahead with it. You fill your mind with dreams of America. You push aside the little nudge of worry that you can feel inside. The captain says it’ll be fine. Surely it will be fine. And America — you’re finally going to America! 

You’re listening to your ego and your ego has decided everything will be OK once you get to America. So you board the ship and half way there, the ship starts leaking badly and everyone’s evacuated and taken home to where they came from. You didn’t get to America and you lost your money for the ticket as you had no insurance. Something bad happened to you, because life’s hard. Just like you have always thought.

When we listen to our ego, we create things to prove our beliefs to be true; we do not create our dreams. When we create from our heart, we start creating what we’d truly love. When you listen to that voice telling you that the ship isn’t safe, you stop. You don’t buy the ticket. Even if it would have taken one month longer to save up the money for the better ticket to America, you would have gotten to America. 

Ask yourself which vibration you are coming from? What lens are you seeing things through? What stories are you telling yourself? Are you telling yourself things that are defeatist in nature (such as: I can’t afford a better ticket)? Are you giving away your power? Not exploring something you’d love to explore because you’re scared? Some people never board the ship at all, because they’re too scared to actually get to America. Or, they board the ship that will sink so that they can say they tried, but it never worked out. It wasn’t right for them. Fate got in the way.

Whatever you’re thinking creates an emotion in you and it’s from that emotion, that vibration, that you’re creating things. If you believe Mercury in retrograde is going to cause problems, then it will. Because you will act in such a way that it does.

When we feel fear and anxiety, such as fearing what will happen when we get to America, then we try to resolve that fear/anxiety; that psychological tension. 

Some people solve tension by drinking too much. Some by sitting frozen in front of Netflix, or procrastinating in other ways. Some by speaking to their friends for hours on end. 

Will having a drink, watching Netflix or talking to a friend really take you closer to your goal? Or are you just using it to get a temporary fix where you feel better (but truly wasted time that could have been used to actually work towards your goals)?

If you know how you behave when feeling any given emotion, then you can predict what you will do. There’s a structure to everything, including your behavior. 

For example, if every time you get stressed at work and feel overwhelmed, you resolve tension by going to the pub after work and getting drunk, instead of staying late and working over time, then you know how you tend to resolve tension (and make the situation worse; because the next day you’ll have even more work to deal with and a hangover to boot).

If you know the story you tell yourself, such as “I had a really long day at work, I deserve a beer”  then you also know how to change it. For example, you could tell yourself: “I am feeling stressed, but if I stay at work for two hours longer today, then I will have made headway for tomorrow and I really want to knock my boss’ socks off, so I’ll do that.” 

Funnily enough, by not resolving your tension, you tend to become less stressed/anxious/fearful, than if you do. 

Resolving tension is really just people’s way of coping. It’s a pattern they’ve developed as a coping mechanism. At some point the person who goes to get drunk after work really thought that was the only way of coping with the stress. No matter how illogical it is, because it is only providing temporary relief and in the end, making the situation worse than it was to start with.

People have different patterns for different things. Some people when they are anxious eat, when they are lonely drink, when they have stress shop, when they get overwhelmed binge watch television and so forth.

Work out your dysfunctional stories and overwrite them with functional ones.

It’s a lot more functional to sit down and fill your diary with social engagements, rather than drink when you feel lonely. It won’t create an immediate release, but it will cure loneliness in the long run. Having a drink might make you feel great in the present, but you’ll be just as lonely the next night. 

Resolving psychological tension is often like taking a flu tablet — it temporarily gets rid of the symptoms, but it doesn’t cure the flu. It might even have gotten worse by the time the effects of the tablet wears off as you used the time in the wrong way; feeling great when in fact you still had a high fever temporarily relieved by the tablet. You didn’t rest and heal. You over exerted yourself. 

A real life example would be feeling stressed about finances, drinking to resolve the tension, getting caught for a DUI, then having no transport and having to spend more money getting to work using Uber. 

This is what happens when we react to emotional triggers in ways that are not beneficial (our negative set of core beliefs start acting out). And often we have well established patterns for how we react in different situations. If we keep reacting in the same way, keep resolving tension in the same way, then we keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. Because sooner or later we will experience the same kind of tension (same trigger) and act in a similar way. 

There will always be tension when you’re working to create something. The goal is to resolve the tension a) by taking steps to get you closer to the goal b) by reaching the goal. That’s the functional way of resolving tension — taking steps to reach your goal and then reaching it. 

Most people are in a reactive cycle their entire life — working to resolve tension and proving their beliefs to be true. Every time a belief gets proven to be true it carves a deeper pathway in the brain. Imagine it as the wrinkles in the brain that get deeper and deeper (this is obviously not a scientific explanation, but a metaphor). As the grooves, or wrinkles, get deeper over time, it’s harder to undo them. If someone taught you how to make conscious decisions at the age of ten, it would be a lot easier to learn than at the age of 45. The pathway would have been a lot less shallow at age ten and there’d be a lot less resistance. 

Of course, once you learn you’re on autopilot — that you’re just automatically reacting to life — then you can change it. 

Sometimes you look around you see some people who, quite frankly, you think are assholes. Ever wondered how a world leader can behave as appallingly as they do? But they’re on autopilot like the rest of the world. If they think the only way to get somewhere in life is to manipulate, then they will do that. They aren’t even conscious of doing it. This is why you mustn’t take things personally. People do most things as a reflex reaction. People are slaves to their own unconscious unless they have the option of becoming aware presented to them. 

Jung said: Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will drive your life and you will call it fate. 

You think it’s fate that creates the same things for you over and over again, but it’s actually you creating them as you have an automatic behavior pattern when presented with different situations. 

It’s like when Marc’s friends told him his partner was cheating and he just wouldn’t listen. He chose to think they were lying, rather than thinking his partner was lying. If he would have listened immediately, he would have had the option to end the relationship and creating a better one, going into it aware of his own patterns. But as so many others, he didn’t want to admit to what he didn’t want to be true. Which is ironic as it only creates even worse problems. 

The thing is, we can’t blame ourselves, or others, for being unconscious. Until we become aware we don’t really have a choice for how we react. We first have to realize that we have that choice. It’s like waking up one day and realizing you’ve been drunk for your entire life. 

In fact, most conscious people don’t get drunk, or use drugs, as they are enjoying the life they’re living. They don’t need drugs, or alcohol, to relieve their tension. Because they make conscious choices, they have less tension to resolve. 

Marc’s father, during WWII, had to dive into a latrine during a fight and was in there for seven days until he could get out again. He got malaria, shock, rat bites, etc. but as soon as he was physically sound, he was discharged from hospital. 

From then on, when he heard a loud noise, such as his children screaming, he’d pick up the first thing in sight that could be used as a weapon, and lash out. This kept going until he got MS at the age of 63 and was hospitalized. At the hospital they figured out he has PTSD. They treated him for that too. After that, he never hit anyone, or anything, again. 

Marc’s father was acting unconsciously, until the day they treated him for PTSD. And in the same way, most people are simply reacting to life in a set pattern. They don’t even realize they have a choice to react differently. 

But even at the age of 63 change is possible. And as seen with Marc’s father, some change can happen over night. 

In Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, he explains that there were two types of survivors coming out of the concentration camps after WWII. There were those who felt like survivors; like their psyche had been damaged, but their soul was intact. Then there were those who felt that their soul had been damaged and that they were tarnished. They felt like victims for life. 

In a similar manner, you choose whether to see yourself as a survivor, or as a victim. 

Heaven isn’t a place where you go, but where you’re reunited with God, but you can be now as well. You can connect to God. You’re just living the illusion of separation. Of an individual experience. God is everything. We were just created so that s/he could experience themselves. Thus, your soul cannot be damaged. 

Marc’s belief is that we are brought here to experience what we want. However, until you become conscious, you’re just experiencing what you’ve been programmed to experience. You just keep experiencing your beliefs. 

To feel separate from God we have to be wounded (psychologically/by our ego). You have the permission to create whatever you want. If you’re living from your wound, then you’re living unconsciously. It will direct your life and you’ll call it fate. The more conscious you become, the more life will feel like it’s worth living. You’ll get the freedom to start dreaming. It’s the reward of consciousness. Humans have to also take steps to create things.

Basically, you’re responsible for what you create. God has given you permission to create on Earth. In a sense, you are God on Earth — that’s the gift you were given from up yonder: the ability to create. And the stories you tell yourself, consciously and unconsciously, are responsible for what you create on Earth. If you start telling yourself different stories, you’ll take different actions and that will create different results. All you have to do to create something is take steps. 

Now that you know how to create, will you employ that and start creating consciously? Will you choose the stories you tell yourself every day? Will you choose to take action on your dreams? Or will you continue to conjure up stories in your mind, that make you react in unfavorable ways? Everything is structural and you choose your structure — aware, or unaware. You have to ask yourself: do I want to explore this thing called awareness, or do I want to stick my head back in the sand?

Being aware, being conscious, is like that shiny new boyfriend. But you can also choose to go back and being cheated on. Like Marc used to do — go back to the cheating boyfriend. He didn’t take in what people were saying. Normally we don’t. We scan when listening and only take in what we are capable of; what suits our beliefs. He had a thought men can’t be trusted and his unconscious agenda was to prove that thought true. Until he figured out what he was doing. Then everything changed. Then the battle became to stay conscious of his choices; realizing he had a world of choices open to him. 

For him it was realizing that a lot of men can’t be trusted, but some can. The ones that can behaved differently. The ones who cheated had a certain MO (modus operandi). Once he met his current partner, the question of cheating never even came up in nine years. His partner loves him. He’s not someone manipulating him into trusting him. 

No one is 100% conscious all the time. If you are tying your shoelaces, for example, you’re probably not even aware of what you’re doing. You don’t have to be. You can be on autopilot for that task. 

When it comes to being aware of what you’re thinking, if you’re 30-40% conscious you’re close to proficient. If you’re over 50% you’re very proficient. Anything more than that, it’s a bonus. 

Once you become conscious, you start thinking about being of service to others. Not necessarily changing the world, just serving others through your heart and the resources you have available. When you do, your life shifts. But when you’re unconscious, you’re usually struggling so much, you can’t even think about being of service to others. If you don’t have a roof over your head, or you’re not comfortable with some aspect of your life, you’re struggling. 

If you choose to be of service, you start seeing people through a different lens. You start asking yourself how you can serve them, rather than vice versa. 

When you become aware/conscious you also start having faith. Faith things will work out. Faith you’ll reach your goals. That removes stress and worry and changes your vibration. You don’t need to know how something will happen, you just know it will happen. Coming at it from that angle, you are acting from a functional state of mind. You’re relaxed, happy and eager to find solutions and move forward. This means you’ll be creating what you want. 

Having faith also means you’re no longer in reaction. You have faith things will turn out well, so you don’t need to go and get drunk, because you want to relieve your tension. You don’t get very stressed, so you don’t need to resolve the tension. You have faith you’ll meet your deadlines, earn your money, find friendship, find love, solve this or that problem, etc. In turn, this means you’ve broken your dysfunctional patterns. You’re taking steps to create your goals, instead of steps to resolve your current tension.

You’ve become a powerful creator, focusing on what you want to create and having faith you’ll achieve it. 

Maybe meeting Marc was my fate, but I would never have been coached by him, unless I had messaged his partner saying “I’m looking for a coach.” I was thinking about that today. How a single “hello” can save our life, or at the very least: change it. But we have to be willing to do it. Marc coaches me, but without me taking action, nothing changes. I have to move my feet. 

I think destiny is a funny thing. It’s like a knock on the door. Maybe the knock was orchestrated by God, but you choose if you answer the door. Then you choose, once opening it, if you let what’s out there inside. 

Opening the door does not mean letting someone, or something, in. It means we’re willing to explore. It means we’ve got an open mind. And if we like what we see, we can let change inside. 

You’re in charge. Maybe fate plays a role in what happens, but you’re the one responding to it. You’re the one opening and closing doors. Fate may have brought you a door, but you’re the door’s master. You’re not fated. But you might wanna have faith…

This is Marc’s website, should you want to stalk the man online.

To round it off, here’s the poem Nelson Mandela read to himself every day in prison. We’re all in our own mental prison. So maybe this poem is a good reminder that only we can change our lives. 

Out of the night that covers me, 

      Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

      For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

      I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

      My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

      Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul. 

Invictus, by William Ernest Henley

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Look at me…looking at you…looking at me…

Do you have precious people in your life? I do. Lots of them. 

I have a myriad of friends and family I admire for a wide variety of different reasons. Feel a connection with for a wide variety of different reasons. Enjoy spending time with for a wide variety of different reasons. 

Some of these people have been in my life for a while, others are fairly new additions. Yet, most of them have become part of the scenery. Part of the life I take for granted. 

By that I mean that when I spend time with them, I’m not always completely present. My mind is engaged in things that preoccupy me that day. Nor do I always make the most out of a meeting. I get lazy. I settle for coffee with someone when I could be having an adventure with them. 

Get me right — sometimes coffee is all you want. All you need. Or hot chocolate. Or wine. You know, sitting talking, looking someone in the eye. Really being there. Connecting with them. Exchanging ideas. Feeling their soul next to you. But there are times when you could go out there and experience life with someone. Partake in activities that blow your mind, or engage your creative spirit, or make you laugh till you topple over, or tickle your senses, or stir up your adventurous side, or let out the playful side of you, or…whatever it is you desire to experience with that person (what do you desire to experience?).  

In short, I think there are times when we forget to live and times when we forget to truly connect with the person next to us. See them. Feel them.

When we go new places, or meet new people, they awaken our senses, but it’s temporary. Soon we become used to the landscape and the people. The temporary high fades away. We become complacent. Settle into routines, that aren’t as much healthy routines as they are lazy habits. It’s not the routines we desire, but the ones we ended up with. That exciting new bar is now our local bar. That exciting new restaurant is now the only restaurant we go to. That exciting new person is now just another friend of ours.

As the landscape and people become familiar, we forget to truly see them and feel them — experience them — because we’ve become used to them. We make the assumption we already know what they look and feel like. We grow numb. What’s worse: we no longer seek new people and experiences. We’ve become lazy. Forgotten we even can seek out new experiences in a familiar landscape. 

I wrote a whole feature film script about this and, still, sometimes I forget to live. What’s worse, I forget to experience those around me. 

For example, I get so caught up in worry about my child that I talk non-stop about her doing her homework, cleaning her bedroom, being nice to people, etc. I don’t truly experience her. I don’t really sit with her and feel into what she’s feeling. Instead, I’m caught up in trying to control her because I fear being raised in a township has left her with little morals and no drive. Control is my go-to habit. My autopilot switching on. I’m no longer present. I’m caught in fear. And I act in ways to try to resolve that fear. My way of resolving it is by enforcing control. But it’s not getting me the results I desire. Instead, it’s disrupting my life. 

When fear, nervousness, panic…whatever you like to call it, kicks in, we’re rarely present to life, or the people in it. We just act in ways we think we should act, or whatever way resolves our tension (fear/discomfort/pain) the fastest. Be that swallowing a painkiller, acting clown, hiding away, eating candy, or enforcing control. 

You don’t know what makes another person feel loved until you ask them. You don’t know what will help them until you ask them. You don’t know what adventures they want to go on with you until you ask them. Until you’re present with them. Feel them. Truly feel them.

We make assumptions. We make assumptions about how to handle people and situations. We even make assumptions about how we will feel when entering a certain situation instead of asking ourselves how we’d like to feel and what we need to do to feel that way? We make assumptions about how to handle our own life. We make assumptions about how the day will be and how people will react. We make assumptions about how the coffee will taste, so we don’t even bother tasting it. We’ve had it before. So we just drink it. On autopilot. We make so many assumptions about life we forget to live.  

Be present. Experience your day. Experience yourself. Experience people.

Ask yourself what you’d like to feel and experience, instead of making assumptions about how you will feel and what you’ll experience. See the opportunities instead of hiding in the habits. 

Experience the people in your life. Ask them questions instead of making the assumption that you know them. People change. People need to be experienced daily. Even just reminding yourself that the time you have with every single person is limited, will help you remember to experience them. To be fully present with them. 

I bet if you know me, you make assumptions about what I feel. You make assumptions about what I think about you. You make assumptions about what I want to experience with you. Don’t. Ask me. And don’t assume that I know what you want to experience with me. What you like about me. I don’t. Because you’re constantly changing. I’m constantly changing. And we need to get to know each other every time we meet. Experience each other every time we meet. Get naked with one another every time we meet. Metaphorically speaking. 

Life’s an experience, but to experience it, you have to become present to it.   

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

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Filed under adventures in life, diary, Friendship, Life, life lessons, Love, Musings, the beauty of life, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Faith…

Do you have faith? Faith in a higher power? Faith in your own abilities? Faith in the people in your life? 

When I travel I always have faith I’ll find somewhere to live that suits my needs. I have absolute faith that it will pan out. Because it always has. Even when I stood with a broken credit card no money in Paris at the tender age of nineteen, it panned out. 

When I travel I have faith life/God/the Universe will provide me with what I need. I also have faith in my own abilities. I know that if you ask enough people, someone will have what you’re looking for and I will find it. 

Moreover, I have faith that I’ll get through storms. I’ll get through them because I never give up. Even if I end up with one more scar, or one more wrinkle. I’ll win. 

Other people tend to admire me for this. Just today, my doctor was talking to me about this, as she knows some of what I’ve been through with the kids I help raise. A lot of people find me inspirational. Few see the pain that I’ve gone through with a lot of the “inspirational” things I’ve done. My doctor knows the pain. She’s the one dealing with my over worked immune system.

While I have faith I’ll get through storms, I am petrified of calm and quiet. I have very little faith I can live a happy life without a million storms. But I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being overworked. I’m tired of caring for others when not being cared for myself. I’m tired of facing crazy ass situations that are mentally and emotionally draining.

I’m not tired of challenges. I thrive on them. But I’d prefer working out how to spend the millions of dollars I’m making from movies instead of working out how to survive on a dollar a day. I’d like different kinds of challenges than the ones I’ve faced in recent years. 

You know what I want? I want to have fun. I want to enjoy myself. I want to go on dates where I laugh till I cry. I want to dance till I’m spinning through the air. I want to crawl on the floor to get the perfect angle for a shoot (yes, I know, we all have different ideas of happiness). I want to laugh with my children. I want to bake cookies and have whipped cream wars. I want to drive with the wind blowing through my hair and the sun tickling my skin. I want to come home to a happy home. I want to be happy. 

This scares me. I’m scared the moment I relax all hell will break loose. Bizarrely, always worrying makes me feel safe. Being in the middle of a storm makes me feel safe. I’m scared of letting go and relaxing when things are quiet.

In the twelve steps in AA one of the steps is giving up your power to a higher source. When I sat in a hot tub in LA bawling my eyes out and asking a higher power for guidance as I was so depressed I couldn’t feel anything and didn’t have a clue what to do, I surrendered to that power. That way my depression started to lift as my reason for having it became obvious. And from there, what to do to move forward became obvious. Likewise, when I travel I have absolute faith that the journey will reveal itself. And it does. 

Having faith doesn’t mean you don’t have to take action. You do. It’s not like I don’t have to look for accommodation when I travel. I do. It’s just I have faith I’ll find it. I feel safe in the hands of God or whatever powers may be. Then I move my ass. 

Similarly, you have to have faith in the people in your life. Faith that they’ll do right by you. Faith that they can handle what life puts in their path. Faith they’ll do the right thing. Some won’t. But if you have faith, you know the wrong people will fall away. Because they won’t get what they want from you if you let faith guide you. They won’t get the payoff they seek. You also know that the right people will reveal themselves. That they will show up when you truly need them. That your life will be blessed with the right people. 

I want to have fun. That means I have to take the necessary steps to get there. I know I’m happy when I’m dancing. So it’s really obvious to book a class. Then I have to show up to that class. Faith is just knowing that it’ll be alright. That I’ll find the right teacher — even if it’s not on the first try. Faith that it will pan out. Faith that I’ll be happy on the dance floor once more. 

The truth is, I’ve avoided dancing for a long time. Just like I’ve avoided being in a stable relationship. Just like I’ve avoided having a stable home. Just like I’ve avoided having a straight forward career. I’ve avoided things where I feel I need to let go. Things that would make my life stable. Simple. Things that would take me out of the storm. Things that would allow me to relax. Because that’s my fear. Relaxing. The feeling of being relaxed and unguarded. Unprepared. Vulnerable. 

I want to be happy. I want to have faith I can be happy. I have faith. I have faith that if I truly hand myself over to a higher power, the necessary steps to be happy will reveal themselves. All I need to do, is take the obvious action. And it’s always obvious when you tune into yourself and allow intuition/a higher power guide you. You know what to do. What you truly need to do to get there. 

You might not like what you need to do. It may be uncomfortable; painful even. It’s not like showing up to a dance class for the first time in three years is without pain. I’m nervous. I’m scared I’m not good enough. I feel old. That’s part of the journey: facing your own inner demons and the growing pains you get from taking action. But if you follow through, you’ll get to where you want to be. To that place you truly desire. And I desire being on a dance floor. 

Life is in our hands, but for it to truly be so, you have to surrender. Surrender to not knowing. Surrender to a higher power. Surrender to faith. Then you fucking move your butt. 

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Filed under diary, human spirit, life lessons, Musings, relationships, Spirituality, Thoughts, travel, Uncategorized

Moments like these…

This morning a woman was getting off the bus, asking the driver for instructions. There was some confusion, so several people listened in. Then the woman got off the bus as it turned out to be the right stop after all.

As the bus started driving someone saw the woman walking in the wrong direction. An older man stood up and said “We can’t let her go in the wrong direction.” A whole row of people started knocking on the windows, the driver honked the horn and eventually stopped the bus to make her take note.

It was just one of those moments that were filled with beauty. Like a warm hug filled with human care and compassion. And it filled me with joy. If people can care about something so small, they can care about much bigger things.

I live in South Africa. There’s enough racial tension here to set off metaphorical bombs. Cape Town is known as the most dangerous city in the world. My nanny has been held at gunpoint going to work. I know few people in the townships who haven’t been sexually abused. There’s so much addiction it sometimes feels like you’re walking through a field of meth destrcution. Yet Cape Town is filled with beauty too. Cape Town is filled with beating hearts. Cape Town has kindness in its soul. And that, that’s just beautiful.

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Filed under Cape Town, conscious lifestyle, Conscious Living, generosity, Heart, human spirit, Inspiration, Inspirational, Joy, kindness, Love, Motivation, South Africa