Tag Archives: diary

A little bit of miracles and sex appeal…

The other day I met a former racing driver. He’d retired from that career at age thirty-three. He had procured two masters and worked as head of sales for some corporation. Then the crisis hit Greece and he was over-qualified for most jobs as they couldn’t afford him. He became unemployed for two years. Then he decided he’d had his time moping, signed up for Uber and became a driver once more. As sales and marketing is his thing he keeps popcorn, crisps, the lot in his car on Saturdays to treat his clients.

If I’d owned a corporation I’d hired him for sales right there.

A few days ago when out shopping food I stopped in the street when I saw a kitten. As I kneeled down, the kitten ran up to me and jumped into my lap. Consequently I was sat there for twenty minutes with a cuddly kitten in my lap. The kitten was quite big – I’d guess a couple of months old – but he had a cold and winter is coming.

This kitten was adorable. It stood on its back legs to be able to “kiss” my neck, it played with my hands, it curled up in my lap, purred and sneezed. I was at the point where I was ready to adopt a kitten which I was dreadfully allergic to, just to ensure it wouldn’t die from a cold.

Just then a man came. He’d passed by earlier, carrying stuff from Royal Canin. I could see a cat carrier and some food. He told me that I was holding the kitten he’d been looking for; he’d take it to his mother’s place in the countryside when going there as she looked after a large number of cats.

As I left the kitten to its fate I was happy because I knew it’d be cared for. I was sad because there was another kitten sneezing in the street too.

Life is filled with good and bad. The people with sex appeal do something about the bad, but focus on the good. They see the miracles and fight the hardships. They enjoy each precious smile and laugh; they live for the good things, because they believe time on Earth is precious and they deserve to enjoy their lives. They unapologetically go for what they enjoy in life. But they also stand up to the bad. They have a spine. Courage. And an incrediblly sexy desire to live life to the full.

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Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926725100792/

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Life’s a bitch and then you have an orgasm…

Do you ever complain about life? I do. Life can be a bitch sometimes. Seriously. And there are times when you despair. You’ve banged your head against the same wall for what seems like an eternity. Every door that opened got slammed in your face, or led to a dead end. Your thoughts start circling in a negative downspiral and life starts feeling like it sucks.

This year I decided to pull my head out of the gutter. However, there have been a few slamming doors this year too and after walking head first into a door rather recently I started despairing. I thought I’d be stuck in the same situation forever. And as one thing was tied to another, that was tied to another, that was tied to another, I felt trapped. Like I’d never find a way out. The kids I help raise are in Cape Town, so I need to get back. For that reason I can’t change jobs, can’t do this, can’t do that, am financially strapped…and I have felt very stuck for a very long time.

Have I felt like a victim and pitied myself? Oh you have no idea. Have I gotten angry and wanted to punch a number of government officials? Hell to the yes. Have I panicked and felt like the lousiest extra parent in the world and hated myself for it? Gosh, you have no idea what a terrible person I am and how much I can possibly hate myself. Have I awoken in a state of panic from dreams of the kids, screaming, hyper ventilating, or crying? Way too many times to count. Sometimes I’m scared of sleeping.

Have I wanted to give up? Yes. I’ve felt like there is no strenght left in me. Like I’ll never win this fight. Like there’s no joy left in life. Like there is no way out of this blooming visa-adoption-career nightmare.

This year I decided to choose art. Choose poetry. Choose magical moments. Choose to believe that what I can do for the kids is a blessing, not that what I can’t do is a curse. In general, do what I can to enjoy what I can. When a door closes a window opens. It is all about that window. About the moment. About what you can do.

Some times are harder than others. It’s inevitable…and sometimes we invite it by doing something utterly stupid. We need to forgive ourselves. Give ourselves the gift of allowing ourselves to enjoy the moment. Give that joy to others. And slowly change our life and that of those around us simply by growing flowers in the mud. As the story goes, I prefer satin and Egyptian cotton sheets, but there’s nothing saying you can’t have an orgasm on whatever you picked up at Ikea. And I’m talking about the sheets you pick up there, not the men. Should Ikea come up with an invention for “easy-to-put-together-Scandinavian-men” that included the perfect user manual maybe I’d consider it, but Scandinavian men are generally not my type. I prefer the more exotic version…

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Poem No. 69: Desire of Life. Writing poetry for Magique is one of the things that’s resurrected my spirits this year. Poetry, to me, is like growing flowers in the mud when you focus on the beauty of life. This poem was written today. More poetry can be found here

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Filed under Insights, Inspiration, Inspirational, Life, Musings, poetry, the beauty of life, the journey of life, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Straight from my heart (i.e. my diary)…

Chili Fruits

Tonight I’d like to escape. I’d like to go far, far away from being me. Not all of me…just part of me. The part that doesn’t get it. The part that wants something it doesn’t understand. The part that aches for an answer, yet sees no answer in sight. The part that wants what it cannot have. Of course, the answer lies in the question, not in an escape into something else. Well, you know what? Whenever this question has been posed before, I’ve felt hopelessness. Like I’ll never figure it out. I’ll stick to work. Get lost in my projects. The tangible things. The things which bring me joy. And if I just do that, then I’ll be OK because I never have to touch the parts of my soul that are confused, or wounded. It’s been a balance between despair, or losing myself from it altogether by filling my life with work that I love. I refuse doing that anymore. I will just have to face it without despairing about it. Do something that makes me happy and think about it.

I wish I had some food at home. Then I would stand in the kitchen all night conducting crazy experiments and getting lost in something totally different. In smells, sights and thoughts that would clear my head. Sadly I don’t and I have to get up at like 5am tomorrow to have a decent chance of getting my work done. And buy a car. Very important. Then I can actually get some food up the hill. Maybe if I put chili in my tea tomorrow morning it will have the desired effect?

When we redecorate the house this weekend I will use that as a tool for inspiration. Creation always inspire. This time we are going Moroccan. Morocco inspires me too. Maybe I’ll get out my charcoal too and paint a portrait of someone, or just play with color. I need to play, that’s all I know. Play with a few of my favorite things. We are literally going to have to saw so much stuff and paint and be creative that any thought left nagging will get transformed, if nothing else just because I’m determined it will and I’m rather stubborn.

When feet touches moist sand, eyes open wide with wonder. Life sparkles. Sometimes life touches you. We are made of this stuff and we see it reflected around us. If we love the sunshine, I believe somewhere the sunshine is in us. Or maybe we are like the moonlight and attracted to our polar opposite? Then again, the moonlight is made of sunshine. We are all, by the end of the day sunshine. Sunshine that came alive.

Outside the city twinkle with light. I’m happy up here. I think I’ve found home.

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