Tag Archives: diary

Putting your sexy glasses on…and so reality changes…

N.B. this post does contain rambling. A nice word for it is “processing.” But really, I’m rambling. Hopefully your sexy mind and gorgeous heart will get something from my ramblings though. 

Do you ever get upset? I do. Maybe worse, sometimes I don’t notice I’m upset, but I act on the feeling anyway.

Today I got upset with one of the kids I help raise. He has what can be deemed as “behavioral issues.” We all use self-defense when we feel powerless. If you’re around abuse and/or have it pointed out to you that you have a flaw as a kid you tend to try to defend yourself. I grew shy when I was growing up; I blocked people from seeing my emotions and hid away. My kid got angry instead. As soon as he feels powerless he gets angry and he feels powerless a lot.

He sometimes feels powerless when learning new things as he has a problem memorizing shapes. As a result he’s been told he’s stupid. When trying to do something he thinks is hard he gets upset as he thinks his difficulties are proof of his stupidity. He also gets angry when he feels he no longer has a choice or is emotionally vulnerable. As soon as I tell him to do something he doesn’t agree with, he feels powerless and gets angry. It’s situations that a “normal” kid wouldn’t get angry about, just like a “normal” kid wouldn’t hide from people like I did as a child. Like my boy, I had wounds as a child and when they were touched, I flinched in pain. A “normal” kid wasn’t wounded, so they didn’t react as they felt no pain.

When I’m at Little Angels these kind of behavioral patterns in children don’t disturb me, because I don’t have a close connection to the children. I see it as my job to bring a kid to their heart. At home…home is my sanctuary. Home is a place I want to call a “happy place.” You think you’re having a perfectly nice time and then suddenly there’s someone who wants to destroy anything in sight for a really small thing that, for a kid who isn’t wounded, wouldn’t lead to a tantrum. It makes me angry, because I want to have a nice time. And using reasoning, why destroy a perfectly happy moment with a huge tantrum? It doesn’t make sense on that level, so it frustrates me.

I also have an emotional connection to my kid – he calls me mommy, I call him my kid. When he gets angry, I get hurt. I also hurt for him because I know the remorse that follows the anger and how much he hates himself afterwards. It’s painful to watch.

My anger and hurt doesn’t help my kid – it only feeds back to what he believes about himself. To break the cycle, I have to respond differently. When he gets ignored when angry, or I’m still happy, he doesn’t get what he wants from me. He doesn’t get to think he’s bad, rejected, stupid, unloved, etc. He likes himself better. When he likes himself, he doesn’t get angry as easily because his wound is more healed. He can do something difficult without getting upset as he doesn’t see it as proof of stupidity.

My emotional reactions are my own. I’m old enough to see beyond behavior.

Changing your reactions and stop punishing, screaming, etc. have nothing to do with accepting the behavior – my kid know I don’t, just like your friend, husband, or parent will know you don’t. The thing is, we’ve been told since children that one should react emotionally in a certain way. We’ve also conditioned ourselves through our own life experiences, like my kid has.

For me, as I said – I grew shy as a kid. For those around me that was easier to deal with than anger, but it’s simply another symptom of a broken ego. And my broken ego has followed me in life. The whole “mom dying, not a good step-mom and bullies” (all a big “I’ve been rejected”) shaped me. If I show I care I often dress it up in sarcasm, or humor, because I want to defend myself just in case I get rejected. If I raise someone up, I’m ready to show I don’t care, just in case.

Those things aren’t things I do in an aware fashion. It’s like when I’m out walking – instinctively instead of walking up to greet someone, I sometimes hide, because the bullies didn’t say hi if you greeted them, but if you didn’t greet them they yelled after you asking you why you didn’t. Either way you lost, so it was better not to be seen I thought. Really, the best thing would have been to acknowledge their behavior didn’t matter. I was still a lovable person.

For years I’ve worked to change my patterns, but some are so hidden you don’t realize. You think you’re teasing someone, when in fact you’re doing it just instead of complimenting them. “I really love your heart, though you’re a total goof :p” Sounds cute enough, but you see what I just did? I raised someone up and yet made sure they didn’t get any “power” over me in the same sentence. And I don’t think about it. I think I’m playing, only to realize that there’s a protection mechanism woven into my language patterns. I mean, seriously?!

The thing I’ve realized is, when I’m confident in myself, I don’t need to play little games to ensure people don’t have power over me, because they don’t. When I feel good in myself I don’t have to be hard to get, intellectually superior, sarcastic, or whatever the heck else my mind decides to do (half of the time I have no idea I’m doing it). Imagine dating me – there’s a huge “fuck you, I’m fine without you” written on my forehead. It will appeal to guys who love a chase, but the moment I open up to them (once I’ve gotten over feeling like a claustrophobic person stuck in an elevator) they will run for their lives. And so my pattern continues, because I’ve now convinced myself that opening up is the wrong strategy.

If you’re an open person, you attract open people. They don’t freak when you open up, because you were always open. I’ve never been open to men, unless the situation has been such that I knew I wouldn’t get close to the person anyway.

When I say I’m not open, I don’t mean I don’t share my thoughts. I do. I even share my feelings, but I share them without attaching any emotion to them. In drama school we called it “cloning” – you describe an event that emotionally wrecked your life, but you tell it as if it was a walk in the park. You can say “I love you” to someone without any love behind your words too. Or, my favorite: you can crack a joke while you’re saying it, or add a sarcastic comment afterwards. My security back up line.

Now this isn’t just about language, it’s about reactions in general. About a year and a half ago I had a run in with my dad about something. When he said something to me, I got really upset. I mean crying all the way to Cape Town from Copenhagen upset. I didn’t show him that at the airport though. I figured if I said something I’d lose it. Instead I sat down in the plane and started crying, because I had PMS. Normally I don’t cry, but that time I couldn’t stop.

A few days later I called my dad. I called him to say he really could’t say things like that, but I did it sharing from my heart, not getting angry. I didn’t want to call him. I wanted to ignore it. Withdraw more to punish him. Not let him anywhere near my emotions, because he fucking hurt me. That’s my survival tactic, but I realized then, as I do now, that it’s not a tactic that serves me. I love my dad. He has ways that sometimes hurt me, but I am old enough to take responsibility for acknowledging he doesn’t mean to. The man loves me. I need to take responsibility for my reactions just as much as he has to take responsibility for his words and actions toward me. He’s worked hard, I’m trying to do the same.

Justifying anger, hurt, pain, aloofness, sadness, it’s all very well, but it usually doesn’t serve us. Acknowledging our reactions, feeling into them instead of suppressing them, serves us, but then we have to let go and look beyond. My kid isn’t trying to hurt me, just like my dad wasn’t trying to hurt me. And my friend walking down the street isn’t going to treat me like the bullies did, nor is the guy I date going to turn on me if I’m open from the start.

Emotions that are born in our ego, as opposed to our heart, can wreck havoc in our lives. Don’t let them. Put on your glasses and see beyond them.

On that note I’m going out to buy new glasses…

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OMG it’s like totally a sign I need to buy new knickers…

I was just scrolling through my Facebook feed and saw a post saying “In God We Trust” and thought “…and then they vote for Trump,” which I found hilarious (my sense of humor is what it is…). Then I pressed the “New Posts” thingy in my feed and a friend of mine had just posted a photo of Forbes magazine saying “In Trump They Trust.”

So, what did that mean?

It means what I make it up to mean.

Have you ever thought about people and events, even places, as catalysts? I do. I have a hyper active mind. I see everything as a possibility to learn. I meet a guy, an emotion is sparked, I walk off and dissect it. I have a biz meeting, an idea nags me, I walk off and dissect it. I go somewhere, a thought is triggered, I walk off and dissect it. Everything sparks something. Some things are comfortable, others aren’t. I want to learn from them all so that each event leads to something better, because I’m somewhere better. That makes life exciting because it means everything takes me forward (apart from when I have a total mind-fuck that is…though that so never happens to me…like ever…erm).

However, it’s one thing seeing things as catalysts and learning from them, maybe thinking they have something to do with where you’re at on your journey, i.e. a “sign”  (because people tend to react to what we give out, meaning a lot of people in our life are a mirror to where we’re at and we only tend to open the door for people who resonate with us on some level or another – be it our wounds, or our heart), another to see them as divine guidance.

I mean what did the thing on Facebook mean? I messaged my friend to tell him about it. Maybe I needed to contact him? Maybe I am psychic? Maybe I needed to write this blog? Who knows. No one. But we can make the most of life by always believing things are signs for us to create something great. Like everything’s an opportunity to create magic. Because it is. Even that meeting that totally sucked and that date you totally fucked up.

Just moments before in my beloved Facebook feed I also saw a post that was a really weird animation (check it out at your own risk) that reminded me of how certain so-called conscious people speak to people who they wish to have a “romantic moment” with.

“Look the ocean is so powerful. And it’s so relaxing to watch it. You look tense. Come on, sit down and relax with me. You know you can relax with me, right? I appreciate you. And thank you for sitting here with me. It means a lot to me you trust me like that. (both people simultaneously look up at a bird which chirps) I just love our connection. We’re so in tune. I’m blessed to share this moment with you. Life’s perfect right now if we just let go of everything else, isn’t it? This is so relaxing. Let’s breathe together. Can you feel that? We’re like so energizing each other right now. Oh, look a dolphin! That’s a sign. We’re totally meant to share this moment. I’m so blessed to have you in my life. OMG. This is like so special. We’re totally having a moment right now.”

OK, so I’m exaggerating (kind of like Shit a New Age Girl Says which has had me laughing since 2012 or so). People sometimes throw around a lot of big empty words though and it sounds…wrong. The thing is, when people say some of these things and mean them, they really are special words. And if you see a dolphin together, you can make that a special moment. The more poetry and specialness you find together, the more likely you are to stick together (and if you’re two peas in a pod, it makes it a lot easier as you’ll find the same kind of moments special). However, the dolphin doesn’t mean you’re soulmates. You’re making that up. And the more you make that up together, the more right it’ll feel.

The issue comes when people are making things up that really don’t serve them. It really doesn’t help to make up someone is your soulmate because you saw a dolphin if the person doesn’t agree, or if you’re destroying each other’s lives.

We also generally tend to find what we’re looking for. My kids recently played “the mini game” with someone – finding mini-Coopers in the street. Now everywhere we go, they are seeing minis. Before they didn’t see a single one, because they weren’t looking for them.

What does me seeing that weird animated video mean? I am contemplating writing a script about conscious coupling and it totally added fuel to my fire (inspiration). It could be a sign. So could an article about dating conscious men that I found last week. Had I not been looking for fuel for my fire I might have missed both. They could, of course, also be divine signs I should make the movie. Or even better: that I’ll win an Oscar (it’s OK – I’ll soon find a proper sign for that. Sooner than you know it someone will say something related to the Oscars…) Who knows? I’ll choose to believe whatever makes for the juicier story…

Oh look – there’s lingerie hanging on my clothes line to dry – it’s totally a sign I need new lingerie. Totally. Divine intelligence at its best. New knickers it is! There are some dresses hanging there too – must be a sign I need new dresses as well. And bras. And a nightie!

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Feverish thoughts…

Last night I decided to have a hot bath. Me + wine + bath = perfect. Really I was meant to have a girls night out, but alas I really had a severe headache and a friend of mine was under the weather too, so that got moved to today.

I wanted to cure my headache, so I poured a bath.

Now, I kind of think a lot of illness is caused, or affected by, thoughts. I grew up with a lot of asthma and I know what it’s like to be sick a lot. I always say I don’t need to take drugs because I’ve had enough fever hallucinations to meet my subconscious.

When I contracted RSI in my hands was the first time I really came to understand the relationship between your thoughts and illness though. I’d known for a long time that emotions can trigger disease. Think about heart attacks, stomach ulcers, muscle knots, asthma attacks triggered by emotions and high blood pressure, for example. However, no matter how much I searched my mind I couldn’t figure out my RSI – I could see triggers for when it started, but I still didn’t cure it. Then I read Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection by Dr. John Sarno of New York University and a few days later I was typing again. The book not only said thoughts can trigger emotions; it showed how and once you know you can take control over it.

For the first time since I was three and contracted asthma, I felt in charge of my body. Before that I used to think my body was deceptive and would turn on me.

I’ve been on a mission this year to take responsibility for my life, open up emotionally and generally get back on the spiritual path. That’s kind of why I’m suddenly blubbering over on this blog and the Huff Post, because I have so much to process and when I process something I write. This determination to shift things has led to an amazing shift in my level of happiness and on a physical plane things are shifting too. That doesn’t mean it’s always comfortable though and I guess my head had sort of had it when combined with not being able to sleep properly due to my boy’s fear of ghost and nightly escapades. So last night I decided to have a bath to relax my muscles.

I love hot baths and even more so hot tubs. I get cold easily and it’s so nice to be warm. It makes me feel free. I also believe in detoxing through the skin and putting myself through discomfort to reach another level of strength though, so when I have hot baths I often push myself way beyond my comfort level (i.e. turn up the heat as much as I can take). I believe it’s good training; the same as pushing yourself to run when you feel like giving up. What’s more, I believe that it helps you face your thoughts in a similar manner to when you have a fever; you hang with the tension; with the discomfort in the body and face discomfortable thoughts which are lodged in the body.

So sometimes when I’m in a bath I basically practice hanging out with thoughts that unsettle me. I also tend to solve business issues and the likes in the bath, which I was doing too last night. All my unpleasant thoughts served up and dissected till I find my way to a path that works. Until I’m centered. Until I feel like I’m on the path I need to walk and hit a level of peace. Of groundedness. Of connection. Of passion for my life, or the part of my life I’m contemplating.

What I find interesting as well is that those things you’re supposed to do, like all the five million breathing exercises I learned in drama school in voice and yoga classes, happen naturally when I do this kind of purging of thoughts in a too hot bath. Because you fucking have to get rid of the energy somehow.

Likewise, I sometimes do stretching sessions, when I literally feel my body letting go of stress. I do these sessions intuitively and let my body stretch as it wants to stretch, which is also when you suddenly start doing the breathing exercises. I do dancing sessions too, where I feel I let go of things – led by my body. It’s a very connected process, yet it’s free.

I have no real clue what I’m trying to say with this blog – at this stage I think it sounds like I was a hot wet mess last night and that’s about it; I’m a lunatic with a love of water and a penchant for sexual metaphors and innuendo. But my real point I guess is that thoughts are lodged in the body and the body, likewise, affects the mind. When we purge our body, we purge our mind and when we purge our mind, we purge our body. I think the interaction between the two is important though – it’s important we pay attention to our mind when we do something with our body and vice versa.

When was the last time you really scrubbed down every inch of your body whilst thinking about how you really feel when doing it? When was the last time you stretched your entire body and looked at the thoughts that came up whilst doing it? When was the last time you danced and worked through your emotions with each step? And when was the last time you did something to push your body through its comfort zone, be it through exercise, a hot bath, or a sauna?

I did it last night and for me, well let’s just say it was an interesting experience. It was also an experience in loving and looking after myself.

I highly recommend reading Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection by Dr. John Sarno – it changed my life. 

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Living your truth + your dating profile = it’s about to get interesting…

The adventurer in me seeks the adventurer in you

For soulful journeys across oceans

And spiritual realms

For love induced delirium

And caffeine inspired moments

We’ll walk through the back alleys of cities

Getting lost in photographic moments

Of gritty dirt and beautiful arches

We’ll jump in the sea

Just to play with the ocean

We’ll sip tea in secret gardens

And have wine in hidden rooms

We’ll meet poets and playwrights,

Scientists and academics

We’ll have conversations

With lost souls and enlightened hearts

We’ll look for the meaning of life

Whilst getting high on the reality of the moment

We’ll seek answers we’ll never find

Whilst dancing on pavements

And giggling at raindrops

We’ll cry our hearts out at the pain we encounter

Then dry them with the beauty of life

And the occasional slice of chocolate

We’ll settle

But never be settled

We’ll have homes

But also places to roam

We’ll never be ordinary

And we’ll never be rude to the waiters

But maybe we’ll throw about our baggage

And stab each other from time to time

It’s OK because all wounds heal

So long as they aren’t mortal

 

We’ll know reality

But we’ll turn it to poetry

Because living is an art

And we’re the ones with the blank canvases

Waiting to be filled

With the paint of our hearts

 

You’ll need the heart of an explorer

And the eyes of an artist

The mind of an adventurer

And the courage of a bear

Love is the hardest journey

And the most beautiful of all

I realized that if I am to live the life of my dreams, I have to get real about who I am and what I want. I’ve written about taking responsibility for my choices. I’ve written about breaking down my life into manageable chunks and creating joy in the moment. I’ve written about facing my emotional fears. But this is me. This is the poet in me. This is me living the emotions I hide, yet the very same emotions I seek.

I won’t find them unless I dare live them.

Every day I feel a little bit happier as I let that poet shine through a little more. That hopeless romantic who prefers traveling the world without a map, just so as to be able to get lost in cities and encounter moments she never knew existed (OK, so I do like carrying a map, just occasionally not using it). 

To create your dream life, you have to dare to live it. You have to dare to be who you truly are. Otherwise, how can you create what you truly want? How can you create a living expression of your heart if you aren’t prepared to first show that heart?

Magique is about creating poetry in the moment for people. Magique is about wielding magic to create beautiful experiences that evoke all senses. 

The movies I have rattling around in my mind are about sharing poetic (and funny) moments with people; about showing people the poetry of life. 

And the life I want to live is a life filled with everyday poetry. Magic. Beauty. Truth. Freedom. And love. 

So here’s the vulnerable person in me, cheering the vulnerable person in you – let’s create poetry together. Because an arm of possibility is stretching across the ocean this morning, leaving a trail of mist and sparkling sunbeams. It’s a call to adventure and a promise of peace. It’s everything and nothing. It just is. But it’s all about how you view it. I view it as an ocean of opportunity and a moment of poetic bliss. 

By Yours Truly, a.k.a. Maria Montgomery 

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Out of the shadows and into the light…

What makes you squirm uncomfortably? Often somewhere in our squirming moments we tend to find ourselves.

Personally I have this issue with helplessness and receiving care; usually because I confuse the two.

If people care for me I think they believe I need their care because I have some flaw, something I can’t handle myself, and they pity me and want to help. It’s a most humiliating feeling.

As a kid I thought the only reason most people cared for me was because I’d lost my mom. I was bullied and my step-mom wasn’t particularly nice to me so when people were nice I assumed it was pity, because so many people weren’t nice to me, meaning I must have some fault. Otherwise, why was I constantly rejected?

I even had this idea my mom hadn’t loved me – she refused hugging me the last time I saw her, then she died without leaving behind any letters left saying she loved me. It was not a good 24 hours of my life. And afterwards there was a huge hole inside of me and I didn’t know how to fill it. Being cared for by someone hurt when you could lose them, so my six year old self thought.

What’s more, my dad always encouraged me to better myself, so on another plane, I had this idea love was related to achievement. The only times I felt love was real was when people said “I love you, but…” Because then I could keep the idea of being flawed. If they seemed to just randomly love me, without pitying me (i.e. they actually seemed to care), I thought them stupid, or blind…take your pick.

Together with some early on rejections on the love front (try having your emotions and rejection trumpeted to a whole school when you’re fifteen – I blushed for a week straight), I’m not very good with emotions. I simply don’t want to confess to having them (not even to myself), because I think they cause trouble.

This has manifested in different ways in my life. First I became shy as I figured it was better being rejected for who I was not, than showing my real me. Then I wanted to change that and ended up always trying to prove my own strength. My can-do attitude. My willingness to perfect myself. My fiercely independent spirit. I feel safe when I’m independent. I feel in charge.

As my principal in drama school would have said, I’ve gone from using one cover (shy) to using another (independent). Being the seeker I am (and being as miserable as I was) I’ve always worked on myself though. I wanted to find happiness and happiness has a lot to do with self-love, loving people and letting them love you back. So I’ve worked on it. And recently what made me realize there’s a way to go is the “being cared for” thing.

When people try to care for me beyond my comfort level three things might happen: I feel suffocated (I can’t accept the care), I feel embarrassed (clearly they think I need help), or I think they’re being ridiculous (i.e. still thinking people blind to the real me). In some cases, I might also question if they’re doing it just to later embarrass me by telling me it wasn’t real (it really was very traumatic being fifteen, OK). If I actually want to receive the care I feel completely helpless because I don’t know how to. This leads to me wanting to be alone so I can feel powerful again and I can turn mean in the process of pushing people away.

Due to this I have had a tendency to fall for aloof men – men I connect with intellectually and/or physically. I don’t have to open up emotionally, because they’re like clams (or well, you know, a little bit clammy at least). They’re never completely into me, which means I don’t truly have to ever lose them. They won’t look after me, so I won’t feel stupid.

When I dated caring men in the past, it was always men I didn’t really have a connection with, so they never got close and I remained safe and aloof.

In a nutshell: the guys I liked didn’t care and the guys who liked me I didn’t care about.

Now, I could blame this on fate, or I could look at the common denominator in all this: me. I choose to look at me.

This year I’ve decided to turn everything in my life on its head, including my emotional life. I will do the things I fear the most. Like opening up socially in the place I call home, instead of waiting to go to places where I feel anonymous and safe. I will professionally go where I’m the most scared to go, because I care the most. I will also only date caring men I care about AND have a connection with. It will probably make me wanna puke, run for my life and feel like a claustrophobic person stuck in an elevator, but I’m determined that the only relationships I will have are soulful ones. In fact, I want everything in my life to be soulful – my work, my home, my kids, my friends…

For so long I’ve wanted to be the person who didn’t care, who didn’t feel, who just went on adventures and ran off with the circus. Well, whilst I do like the adventures and I’d happily join a circus for a while, I’d like to explore caring. Right here, right now. I’d also like to explore being with someone. Someone who would go on adventures with me; near and far. Someone I could create a home with, but also have freedom with. I like being independent, but I don’t like being a fool. And I’ve been a fool for long enough.

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Straight from my heart (i.e. my diary)…

Chili Fruits

Tonight I’d like to escape. I’d like to go far, far away from being me. Not all of me…just part of me. The part that doesn’t get it. The part that wants something it doesn’t understand. The part that aches for an answer, yet sees no answer in sight. The part that wants what it cannot have. Of course, the answer lies in the question, not in an escape into something else. Well, you know what? Whenever this question has been posed before, I’ve felt hopelessness. Like I’ll never figure it out. I’ll stick to work. Get lost in my projects. The tangible things. The things which bring me joy. And if I just do that, then I’ll be OK because I never have to touch the parts of my soul that are confused, or wounded. It’s been a balance between despair, or losing myself from it altogether by filling my life with work that I love. I refuse doing that anymore. I will just have to face it without despairing about it. Do something that makes me happy and think about it.

I wish I had some food at home. Then I would stand in the kitchen all night conducting crazy experiments and getting lost in something totally different. In smells, sights and thoughts that would clear my head. Sadly I don’t and I have to get up at like 5am tomorrow to have a decent chance of getting my work done. And buy a car. Very important. Then I can actually get some food up the hill. Maybe if I put chili in my tea tomorrow morning it will have the desired effect?

When we redecorate the house this weekend I will use that as a tool for inspiration. Creation always inspire. This time we are going Moroccan. Morocco inspires me too. Maybe I’ll get out my charcoal too and paint a portrait of someone, or just play with color. I need to play, that’s all I know. Play with a few of my favorite things. We are literally going to have to saw so much stuff and paint and be creative that any thought left nagging will get transformed, if nothing else just because I’m determined it will and I’m rather stubborn.

When feet touches moist sand, eyes open wide with wonder. Life sparkles. Sometimes life touches you. We are made of this stuff and we see it reflected around us. If we love the sunshine, I believe somewhere the sunshine is in us. Or maybe we are like the moonlight and attracted to our polar opposite? Then again, the moonlight is made of sunshine. We are all, by the end of the day sunshine. Sunshine that came alive.

Outside the city twinkle with light. I’m happy up here. I think I’ve found home.

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