Tag Archives: emotions

Putting your sexy glasses on…and so reality changes…

N.B. this post does contain rambling. A nice word for it is “processing.” But really, I’m rambling. Hopefully your sexy mind and gorgeous heart will get something from my ramblings though. 

Do you ever get upset? I do. Maybe worse, sometimes I don’t notice I’m upset, but I act on the feeling anyway.

Today I got upset with one of the kids I help raise. He has what can be deemed as “behavioral issues.” We all use self-defense when we feel powerless. If you’re around abuse and/or have it pointed out to you that you have a flaw as a kid you tend to try to defend yourself. I grew shy when I was growing up; I blocked people from seeing my emotions and hid away. My kid got angry instead. As soon as he feels powerless he gets angry and he feels powerless a lot.

He sometimes feels powerless when learning new things as he has a problem memorizing shapes. As a result he’s been told he’s stupid. When trying to do something he thinks is hard he gets upset as he thinks his difficulties are proof of his stupidity. He also gets angry when he feels he no longer has a choice or is emotionally vulnerable. As soon as I tell him to do something he doesn’t agree with, he feels powerless and gets angry. It’s situations that a “normal” kid wouldn’t get angry about, just like a “normal” kid wouldn’t hide from people like I did as a child. Like my boy, I had wounds as a child and when they were touched, I flinched in pain. A “normal” kid wasn’t wounded, so they didn’t react as they felt no pain.

When I’m at Little Angels these kind of behavioral patterns in children don’t disturb me, because I don’t have a close connection to the children. I see it as my job to bring a kid to their heart. At home…home is my sanctuary. Home is a place I want to call a “happy place.” You think you’re having a perfectly nice time and then suddenly there’s someone who wants to destroy anything in sight for a really small thing that, for a kid who isn’t wounded, wouldn’t lead to a tantrum. It makes me angry, because I want to have a nice time. And using reasoning, why destroy a perfectly happy moment with a huge tantrum? It doesn’t make sense on that level, so it frustrates me.

I also have an emotional connection to my kid – he calls me mommy, I call him my kid. When he gets angry, I get hurt. I also hurt for him because I know the remorse that follows the anger and how much he hates himself afterwards. It’s painful to watch.

My anger and hurt doesn’t help my kid – it only feeds back to what he believes about himself. To break the cycle, I have to respond differently. When he gets ignored when angry, or I’m still happy, he doesn’t get what he wants from me. He doesn’t get to think he’s bad, rejected, stupid, unloved, etc. He likes himself better. When he likes himself, he doesn’t get angry as easily because his wound is more healed. He can do something difficult without getting upset as he doesn’t see it as proof of stupidity.

My emotional reactions are my own. I’m old enough to see beyond behavior.

Changing your reactions and stop punishing, screaming, etc. have nothing to do with accepting the behavior – my kid know I don’t, just like your friend, husband, or parent will know you don’t. The thing is, we’ve been told since children that one should react emotionally in a certain way. We’ve also conditioned ourselves through our own life experiences, like my kid has.

For me, as I said – I grew shy as a kid. For those around me that was easier to deal with than anger, but it’s simply another symptom of a broken ego. And my broken ego has followed me in life. The whole “mom dying, not a good step-mom and bullies” (all a big “I’ve been rejected”) shaped me. If I show I care I often dress it up in sarcasm, or humor, because I want to defend myself just in case I get rejected. If I raise someone up, I’m ready to show I don’t care, just in case.

Those things aren’t things I do in an aware fashion. It’s like when I’m out walking – instinctively instead of walking up to greet someone, I sometimes hide, because the bullies didn’t say hi if you greeted them, but if you didn’t greet them they yelled after you asking you why you didn’t. Either way you lost, so it was better not to be seen I thought. Really, the best thing would have been to acknowledge their behavior didn’t matter. I was still a lovable person.

For years I’ve worked to change my patterns, but some are so hidden you don’t realize. You think you’re teasing someone, when in fact you’re doing it just instead of complimenting them. “I really love your heart, though you’re a total goof :p” Sounds cute enough, but you see what I just did? I raised someone up and yet made sure they didn’t get any “power” over me in the same sentence. And I don’t think about it. I think I’m playing, only to realize that there’s a protection mechanism woven into my language patterns. I mean, seriously?!

The thing I’ve realized is, when I’m confident in myself, I don’t need to play little games to ensure people don’t have power over me, because they don’t. When I feel good in myself I don’t have to be hard to get, intellectually superior, sarcastic, or whatever the heck else my mind decides to do (half of the time I have no idea I’m doing it). Imagine dating me – there’s a huge “fuck you, I’m fine without you” written on my forehead. It will appeal to guys who love a chase, but the moment I open up to them (once I’ve gotten over feeling like a claustrophobic person stuck in an elevator) they will run for their lives. And so my pattern continues, because I’ve now convinced myself that opening up is the wrong strategy.

If you’re an open person, you attract open people. They don’t freak when you open up, because you were always open. I’ve never been open to men, unless the situation has been such that I knew I wouldn’t get close to the person anyway.

When I say I’m not open, I don’t mean I don’t share my thoughts. I do. I even share my feelings, but I share them without attaching any emotion to them. In drama school we called it “cloning” – you describe an event that emotionally wrecked your life, but you tell it as if it was a walk in the park. You can say “I love you” to someone without any love behind your words too. Or, my favorite: you can crack a joke while you’re saying it, or add a sarcastic comment afterwards. My security back up line.

Now this isn’t just about language, it’s about reactions in general. About a year and a half ago I had a run in with my dad about something. When he said something to me, I got really upset. I mean crying all the way to Cape Town from Copenhagen upset. I didn’t show him that at the airport though. I figured if I said something I’d lose it. Instead I sat down in the plane and started crying, because I had PMS. Normally I don’t cry, but that time I couldn’t stop.

A few days later I called my dad. I called him to say he really could’t say things like that, but I did it sharing from my heart, not getting angry. I didn’t want to call him. I wanted to ignore it. Withdraw more to punish him. Not let him anywhere near my emotions, because he fucking hurt me. That’s my survival tactic, but I realized then, as I do now, that it’s not a tactic that serves me. I love my dad. He has ways that sometimes hurt me, but I am old enough to take responsibility for acknowledging he doesn’t mean to. The man loves me. I need to take responsibility for my reactions just as much as he has to take responsibility for his words and actions toward me. He’s worked hard, I’m trying to do the same.

Justifying anger, hurt, pain, aloofness, sadness, it’s all very well, but it usually doesn’t serve us. Acknowledging our reactions, feeling into them instead of suppressing them, serves us, but then we have to let go and look beyond. My kid isn’t trying to hurt me, just like my dad wasn’t trying to hurt me. And my friend walking down the street isn’t going to treat me like the bullies did, nor is the guy I date going to turn on me if I’m open from the start.

Emotions that are born in our ego, as opposed to our heart, can wreck havoc in our lives. Don’t let them. Put on your glasses and see beyond them.

On that note I’m going out to buy new glasses…

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The truth shall set you free…or send you to a hot tub…

To acknowledge everything you feel every instant of the day, without trying to fix it, or getting lost in it, is hard. It’s a matter of awareness without political correctness and without fear of pain. No one wants to acknowledge they think their best friend’s husband is hot, or that they feel a vast pain within their heart after someone’s passed.

No one wants to acknowledge it, but it happens to most of us at some point or another. Pain, guilt, fear…

There are plenty of aversion tactics available – from getting lost in work, or food, to denying the emotions were there to start with.

To see it and set it free is the only thing that works. You face the pain of someone passing. You let it hit you. You accept it. Then you let it go.

You don’t get stuck reveling in the pain as you want to feel just something…anything…that reminds you of the person whom used to be part of your life. You don’t get stuck in pain because you feel guilty to still be alive. You don’t allow yourself to get stuck in pain because it hurts so much you want to die with them. That’s when you actually need to force yourself to change your focus. And slowly, but surely, you will come alive again. You will start appreciating the taste of hot chocolate. You will get a rush of happiness after running to get away from the rain and then soaking in a hot tub to get the cold out of your bones. You will smile at things. Eventually you will laugh. And you’ll start to love life again. You’ll appreciate and love other people again. And that’s OK. You’re allowed to. It’s your gift – your life.

You look at your best friend’s husband and acknowledge that the dude is hot. It won’t change yours, or your best friend’s life. It’s just a fact. A subjective fact, but a fact nonetheless. Why feel guilty about a fact that’s no more strange than chocolate tasting good? That doesn’t mean you’ll go rob a chocolate store.

I’ve said before that my life changed one night in a hot tub. And no, it wasn’t in the way that life usually changes in hot tubs. There was no man in the hot tub. There was just me. And the stars, the moon, the moving silhouettes of palm trees. I was in the Hollywood Hills, telling God I was giving up – I couldn’t figure out life and asking for help, as I felt like a complete loser. In this instance I had an epiphany. I realized my life was my own. And I didn’t have to accomplish anything. I could sit on a rock in the woods singing to myself if I wanted to. It was my gift to unwrap, this life. Mine and mine alone.

I wasn’t a failure, because I didn’t have to accomplish anything. All I had to do was explore life – that was happiness. To have a moment and explore it. To see what would unfold. Of course, I still wanted to do what I love, or work towards that, but I didn’t have to accomplish anything.

That didn’t mean I figured life out. I still didn’t acknowledge all of my emotions. Those I wasn’t always happy to explore. I fought them. Being in love meant embarrassment as they might not like me back. Having to stand up against someone was petrifying because I hated acknowledging they didn’t like me, or my opinion. Seeing how much pain there can be in life – pain caused by human beings themselves – and accepting that wasn’t even on my radar yet. Or I guess it was on the radar going to Africa, I just didn’t know what it meant to see Africa.

I’ve fought a lot of my emotions over the years. After mom died I fought the pain. I was petrified of the pain. On the flip side of the coin, I also fought the guilt of being alive and feeling happiness, whilst she was dead. For various outside reasons I also ended up withdrawing and thinking people didn’t like me, so I ended up feeling ashamed of myself 24/7. It’s taken me about 30 years to come out of that “ashamedness.”

The worst two triggers to feeling ashamed of myself were attraction/falling in love and standing up for myself when I felt there was a conflict of interest, or someone plain didn’t like me.

I’ve played various aversion tactics – from being half open, to trying to convince people of my worth (whilst feeling unworthy, hence why needing their approval) – all to avoid what is.

Facing what is, is freedom. Liberation from your worst enemy – your controlling ego. That thing inside of you that was taught, due to different experiences, what was right and wrong. That thing that is not the ultimate truth, but the made up truth in your mind. That thing that controls your life and controls you right into hell.

Sometimes your emotions, your reactions to things, are controlled by that thing as well. They are a reaction to various beliefs you have. Made up beliefs. So even emotions aren’t always real.

To see emotions – to see beyond emotions – is liberating. Just as liberating as realizing your life is yours to live. You were given the gift to explore this life. You can explore your emotions too. Just don’t act till you’ve seen if they’re true, or a result of beliefs. You don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying life after someone died. That guilt is false. And hey, I became friends with my best friend because we realized we had a crush on the same guy. None of us intended to rob the other person’s chocolate factory – we just intended to explore and see what happened. None of us got the guy, but we got each other.

The truth doesn’t often hurt us – it’s what we make up about the truth that hurt us. Likewise, your emotions won’t hurt you if you face them and let go of what you’ve made up about them. That first reaction of guilt, pain, fear…it will soon pass if you only let it.

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Open…

I just got whipped cream all over myself, which could be sexy apart from the fact that it was all over my jeans and hoody, not my naked body (sorry to disappoint). I was whipping cream for a crumble I had baked and I thought it was a pretty good anger management tool too – put all that creative tension into beating whipping the cream. I swear there’d be less abuse on the streets if kids just learnt to put their forceful emotions into creative creations, like whipping up cream, meringues, marshmallows…and then erm play with the food they’ve made… So anyway, digressing…
     I was attacking the cream with vigour and zest because, well, I have emotions. Eureka. Or not. What I was angry about is that my emotions don’t always behave as I see fit. So for years I’ve tried to suppress most of them and today I was beating them with a whisk, to somehow try to make them behave.
     It’s a weird thing, because I can talk a lot about my thoughts and feelings, but for me that’s very different to showing them and living them. When I talk about them it’s more as a means of trying to analyze them, fix them and make sure they disappear…if I disagree with them, which I often do. As a kid I got hurt in school by the bullies, at home by my step-mom. So for me it became a matter of keeping my pride intact by pretending not to care – caring would be a sign of weakness and I would be an idiot for doing so. What’s more I also got scared of showing I cared in a nice way, as in offering my friendship, or love, because in all likelihood that would end with rejection too. Giving in any way of myself became one of my most difficult tasks as I didn’t fancy rejection. With the years I got the hang of friendships and giving of myself a little bit, with fear still preventing me from going all the way, but with men, I was still absolutely petrified. As I thought loving someone meant rejection I wouldn’t even like falling in love. I would feel ridiculous, because what good would it do falling in love if it would only end one way anyway?
     When it came to emotions I also found them silly because why should I feel hurt from some idiot being nasty to me? Why should I care about a man who didn’t care for me? Why would I still get upset over having lost my mom years later? Why the hell should I be scared of losing people? Why was I so silly and scared of others opinion that I did not dare being friendly with them? I declared war on my own emotions. I did the things I feared – from declaring my love for people, to talking to strangers, I even shared my deepest secrets and anything else I was scared of, but I was always aloof whilst doing it and always ashamed of myself for feeling the way I felt. Always trying to numb my own fear, my own feelings. A false layer of self-confidence and aloofness was on top of everything. Even if I was talking about something that really hurt me, I pretended to be fine whilst talking about it. Totally cool about my own emotions. I never even allowed myself to feel them without getting angry.
     I’m the best actress in the world – I can say “I love you” and pretend I don’t care all at the same time, but at the same time I’m a bad actress because I can’t say anything emotional and actually mean it,, because I’ve been controlling and suppressing my emotions for so long I don’t know how to willingly show them. Well, I’m learning.
     Basically, I made a value judgement on myself at a very young age. I decided that if I felt bad, weak,  sad, or inferior about anything,  or if anyone could use my feeling against me (such as me being in love with them) I had to conquer that feeling, or I was bad. It’s only been in the last week or so that I have showed up around people actually allowing myself to feel everything I’m feeling and hanging with the tension rather than putting some thinly veiled layer of whatever on top (from entertaining, to calm and cool, to aloof as hell). And I have felt very free. Very free.  I can finally connect with people instead of spending every minute trying to be perfect, trying to pretend I don’t have any emotions that don’t suit me.
     But then, whilst unravelling all of this, of course you hit some real big emotions and then maybe some old thoughts and feelings such as “I really shouldn’t have those emotions, I’m a fucking freak” potentially enters. And then potentially you get angry with those emotions and try to push them away, even if you are laughing hysterically at yourself at the same time (and so is your best friend and her boyfriend). And then potentially, just potentially, you start beating up the cream and end up getting cream all over yourself…and that’s when you decide it’s time to get naked. Because naked with whipped cream all over is much sexier. Naked as you are. True to your heart and soul.

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I said hello, you fool, I love you…come on and join the joyride…

Yeah, I’m quoting Roxette. It’s alright. I have an excuse: I’m Swedish. When walking around town the other day my best friend looked at me and did a little jump: “I love you,” she said and laughed. I told her I loved her too. It’s emotional discomfort month and I had forgotten to tell her I loved her thus far that day. She has taken such a joy in this habit she now reminds me if I forget to say it.

People change with love. Their features soften. Their smiles shine brighter. Their hearts grow warmer. They look cozy, comfortable and inviting.

A Thing About You

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When you see beauty…..a smile, a look, a touch of that thing……….when you see something you love, do you share that? Do you tell the person what beauty you just caught a glimpse of? Do you invite them to open the door to their inner gorgeousness just a tad more? Do you open that door yourself? Do you allow yourself to feel happy about who you are? Do you invite others to see the beauty that is you?

I don’t know darlings, but this emotional discomfort month is changing my life…and that of those around me. I feel…I feel more alive. More on fire. More like a light rather than a shadow. More intense. More awake. More pulsating and warm. More free. I’m not just sharing my opinions, I’m sharing my emotions, my love and my heartfelt desires with the world. The jail I always felt captured me is now crumbling to dust. I am free.

By complimenting someone you are setting them free from their worst demons: their own disbelief in themselves. Their own negative thoughts are being conquered. They think you are their mirror. If you display joy, they will believe they are joy. If you display love, they will believe they are love. If you smile, they will think they are the reason for your smile.

Maybe your love alone will not transform the entire world…yet it will because everything you touch, that is capable of feeling your touch, will turn to gold. And that gold in turn will turn other things into gold. Your warmth will spread. Your light will brighten the night sky and you will be surrounded by your own light.

And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while…’cuz you are amazing just the way you are…

Wanna join me for more dizzy blonde journeys? Click here

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It takes a fool to remain sane…

It never seizes to amaze me walking home to the hills when there is a full moon shining, stars sparkling, the silhouettes of palm trees framing the streets, the smell of blossom in the air and the lights in the hills glistening like diamonds. Beauty never seizes to thrill me and people, nature and life never seize to impress me. A dear friend of mine once said: “I thought people like you only existed in books. You are such a romantic.” And for better or worse I think she was right.

Sometimes I think people will tire of me. Rather often actually. Like soon people will just have had enough of me ranting on about magical meetings, dawn and morning dew, starry nights and how to spice up your life (with whipped cream and chocolate sauce). I want to write something more funny. Something more sexy. Something more…something… In life I have tried hard to pretend not to be a silly romantic. Appearing cute has always made me cringe. I like sharp. Cutting edge. Cool. Someone who doesn’t give a shit. Strong. Independent. Sexy. Anything but an emotional, caring person who gets a silly grin on her face from sunsets and tears in her eyes from happy endings (no, not those kind of happy endings, they stir up rather different emotions). The funny thing is though – people who know me love me for my ability to be 100% ridiculously romantic and not because I can play sarcastic and sexy (although sometimes it gives me plus points, lol).

For years I have felt intimidated by people who are not like me. It frightens me to hang out with people who have a completely different outlook in life, so instead of shining my light and showing them who I truly am, I get frightened and shy and I play arrogant and cool to try to cover it up, with more or less success (if I’m too successful I end up being called a bitch). It’s the same when I date guys who I know have dated women that are worlds apart from me – I panic thinking what the fuck do I have to offer this guy that was last dating Miss Party Queen I Know All There Ever Was To Know About Sex, Drugs And Rock’n’Roll? He can have anyone, so why me? I’m just a silly girl who jumps through puddles in spring and leaf heaps in fall. I might know how to shake my ass and look cool on the dance floor, but I’m someone who’s idea of fun is baking, cuddling up in front of a fire, doing business, directing movies/plays/musicals and painting. I love strutting around in stilettos, but when I come home I will wear clogs and I will dig for worms and go fishing.

Of course, about once a year when I meet someone I like, he is a really cool, laid back guy who would rather swallow cyanide than admit to having emotions (but he is oh so adorable, right…lol). At least I always have something in common with the guys I date…and that’s sort of the point: you get what you give.

Why is it, we think we have to pretend to be exactly like those around us to fit in, when what they like is the difference? Why is it that we are scared of showing who we are, when that’s who we should be flaunting with style? Why is it that being emotional is frightening, when people like it more if you care about them, than if you stick your nose in the air and walk by without so much as looking in their direction? Why is it that we all love to be appreciated, but we hate showing appreciation? Is it fear of rejection? Ridicule? Being the one who cares the most? But if we truly like ourselves, would we really try to become what we think others want us to be (or make a statement about who we are with a big “fuck you if you don’t like it”/arrogance attached), or would we just show up, happy to flaunt who we are and let others enjoy that to the full, should they please?

The most precious gift I can give someone is the real me. It’s the only part of me they can enjoy, because it’s the only true part of me. Everything else is a lie. From now on I am going to start treating people with respect by trusting them enough to show them who I am. If they don’t like that, so be it – I like myself, whether they do or don’t, and at least I gave them my all and not just my pinkie.

“He who does not take insults seriously, is on the path to wisdom.” @paulocoelho 🙂

“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” (Epictetus) Tim Ferriss: “Cato, who Seneca believed to be the perfect stoic, practiced this by wearing darker robes than was customary and by wearing no tunic. He expected to be ridiculed and he was, he did this to train himself to only be ashamed of those things that are truly worth being ashamed of. To do anything remotely interesting you need to train yourself to be effective at dealing with, responding to, even enjoying criticism… In fact, I would take the quote a step further and encourage people to actively pursue being thought foolish and stupid.” http://mashable.com/2010/04/29/deal-with-haters-tim-ferriss/

It Takes A Fool

Whatever happened to the funky race?
A generation lost in pace,
-Wasn’t life supposed to be more than this?
In this kiss I’ll change your bore for my bliss
But let go of my hand and it will slip out
in the sand if you don’t give me the chance
to break down the walls of attitude,
I ask nothing of you
not even your gratitude

And if you think I’m corny
then it will not make me sorry
it’s your right to laugh at me
and in turn, that’s my opportunity
to feel brave
Because ridicule is no shame
it’s just a way to eclipse hate
it’s just a way to put my back staright
it’s just a way to remain sane

That it takes a fool to remain sane
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh In this world all covered up in shame

Every morning I would see her getting
off the bus the picture never drops
it’s like a multicoloured snapshot stuck in my brain
it kept me sane for a couple of years
as it drenched my fears
of becoming like the others
who become unhappy mothers
and fathers of unhappy kids
And why is that?
‘Cause they’ve forgotten how to play
or maybe they’re afraid to feel ashamed
to seem strange
to seem insane
to gain weight
to seem gay
– I tell you this:

That it takes a fool to remain sane
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh In this world all covered up in shame
(-Oh, take it to the stage!)

So, take it to the stage in a multicoloured
jacket take it jackpot, crackpot,
strutting like a peacock
nailvarnish Arkansas
shimmy-shammy featherboah crackpot haircut
dye your hair in glowing red and blue,

-Do, Do, Do! What you wanna do, Don´t think twice,
do what you have to do,
Do, Do, Do, Do, let your heart decide
what you have to do that´s all there is to find
Cause it takes a fool to remain sane,
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh In this world all covered up in shame

– Ola Salo –

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