Tag Archives: halloween

To my mother in heaven…

Today is Halloween. All Hallows’ Eve. All Saints’ Eve. The day, when where I’m from, we light candles for those we’ve lost because it’s said that the veil between this life and the next is the thinnest, which makes me wonder: if you could have a dinner, inviting any ten guests, dead or alive, who would it be? 

Personally, I’d like to meet my mother, but I’m also scared of meeting her. I don’t really know who she was when alive. She died when I was six. 

One day, several years ago, I suddenly realized I always thought that my mother, if I met her, would have been disappointed in me. The fact that my finances were always a disaster while I was off on some adventure to live my dreams and rescue kids in Africa. That she’d read me the riot act. That she’d see me as the black sheep of the family — the artist, entrepreneur and hopeless dreamer who didn’t have it all figured out. I was scared we’d have nothing in common beyond wanting to heal people. She was a nurse. I almost became an MD. And I still desire to aid people in healing; mentally, physically, spiritually. 

In short, I was scared all my mother would do, was judge me.

I’d gotten so used to being the person everyone wanted to be someone else, I figured I’d just be a disappointment to her. 

Isn’t that a fucked up way to live life? To think that your mother wouldn’t love you because you’ve made mistakes? That she wouldn’t even want to see you, because you’re not like her? 

Today, I’m not the woman sitting on that couch, wondering if my mother would love me. As a mother myself now, I know that all we dream of for our children is for them to find happiness. We do not care that they screw up, we only care about them finding their way again. We do not punish, we love. 

Yes, many of us, as parents, will use punishment, just as we will use encouragement, as a way of making our children follow a path we believe to be right. Be that to brush their teeth, or stay off drugs, but in our hearts, all we seek is their happiness. Their joy. For them to be loved. For them to live a life they love. 

Maybe, if my mother came down from heaven, all she would do, would be to hold me and tell me it’s OK. That my mistakes are alright — that we all make them. Maybe all she’d want would be to see her daughter.

The thing with life, is that none of us were born with a map. We all get lost. Some more than others. But that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to find our path. Nor does it mean we don’t deserve to be loved. 

In short, I don’t think our loved ones in heaven want to punish us for our sins; for our mistakes; or for getting lost. They just want us to find our way to happiness again; find our path. Because that’s the highest desire you can have for anyone else. And, most likely, they’d want just one more day with us.

I don’t really miss my mother. I was too young when she died. I miss my gran on the other hand. I’d like to take my gran for a trip to Paris and walk around the streets, spending hours talking, laughing and baking. I bake pancakes pretty much every weekend and I know it’s not just because I love pancakes, it’s because when I do that, I carry a piece of her with me. I also listen to French radio to calm my nerves. I find strength in doing the things we used to do together; feel her love when doing them. 

I can’t meet my mother, but I can honor her as a parent, by seeing myself through her eyes; loving myself and supporting myself in finding my path, instead of beating myself up for getting lost.

I can’t go with gran to Paris, but I can go to Paris with someone else who loves me as much as she did and loves doing the things I love, the way she did.

There are many people I’d like to invite for dinner, ranging from Tim Ferriss to Leonardo da Vinci and Shakespeare. I wouldn’t mind Branson, Jolie, Di Caprio, Scorsese, Mandela, Musk and a bunch of other people to gather around my dinner table. I’d invite half of Silicone Valley too, for good measure. There are many, many incredible hearts and minds in this world. So many. The thing is, by looking for those who are not there, we miss the ones who are. Our children. Our family. Our friends. Our partners. One day, all of them will be in heaven too. Now is our time with them; our chance to honor them by creating beautiful experiences with them.

Or as Angelina Jolie said: “That’s the reason we kind of exist. To give to each other. And learn from each other. To capture the moments of people. So I find it really strange to have somebody ignore the obvious human being right in front of them.” 

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Filed under Death, Inspiration, Inspirational, Love, mourning, Parenthood

Trick or treat…

Today people in many places will be handing out treats…or they’ll get tricked, probably ending up with toilet paper wrapped around the trees in their garden… 

I was thinking about this: how many people do you trick or treat on a daily basis? If you give me a treat, I’ll be happy. If not, I’ll do x, y, z. The best part? Most people don’t even ask for what they want, they just assume they’ll get it, or hint at wanting it, and then get angry if they don’t receive it. 

It really helps asking for what you want. In plain English. 

On the flip side of the coin, have you ever tried handing out treats just for fun? Like, say, compliments? I always write about it, but ever since I did a challenge with my best friend where I had to compliment someone daily, I became a big fan of this. 

You see, I used to be really shy, so as a kid I almost never complimented people. I was too scared they wouldn’t want to be complimented by me. The thought of uttering the compliment was so scary I just kept my mouth shut. Sometimes I still do, out of habit. That old fear flares up like a ghost, or I simply don’t think to say what I’m thinking as it was such an ingrained habit to avoid talking to people when I was little. 

Tim Ferriss (yes, we’re back to him), in the 4-Hour Work Week talks about how he challenged himself to do something until it no longer scared him. Such as walking up to a new woman every day asking for her number. Whether he scored or got rejected, he got so used to doing it, it no longer bothered him. It became circumstance instead of a big deal. Once you overcome the fear, you become free. You’re no longer a slave to your own fears. You can choose your actions freely.

The other reason I’m a big fan of this, is because I know what a compliment can mean. I used to be that shy kid right, and I was so shocked whenever someone said something nice to me, I’d hold onto it for an eternity. Replay the moment. Over and over again. It gave me some sort of hope that maybe, just maybe, some people could actually like me. Not just pity me because my mom had died, put up with me for some other reason, or talk to me because I was smart and talented, but like me for me. 

I came to think about this as I was asking myself what I’d love to experience right now? Like, I’m happy. I’m starting to feel fulfilled in a way I haven’t before. Yet, I long for certain things. Like compliments. Sometimes I just want someone I can cook for so that I can have them share in the experience I’ve created. Someone who appreciates it. An adult. Kids love my food. I get to hear that all the time. But an adult. Someone who appreciates me in a different way and shares experiences with me in a different way. Plays with me in a different way. Enjoys different kinds of adventures. That’d be nice. Sharing time and being appreciated. I think that’s what I’d want, if I could have a treat. And I get that treat sometimes. I have beautiful people in my life. It’s just that I’d like to create more of that. More adventures, more play time, more appreciation. Because people — the right ones — in and of themselves are a treat.

Meaning you are a treat.

Happy Halloween my darlings!

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Filed under Behavior, diary, Fear, fears, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Musings, overcoming fears, Uncategorized