Tag Archives: healing

Feverish thoughts…

Last night I decided to have a hot bath. Me + wine + bath = perfect. Really I was meant to have a girls night out, but alas I really had a severe headache and a friend of mine was under the weather too, so that got moved to today.

I wanted to cure my headache, so I poured a bath.

Now, I kind of think a lot of illness is caused, or affected by, thoughts. I grew up with a lot of asthma and I know what it’s like to be sick a lot. I always say I don’t need to take drugs because I’ve had enough fever hallucinations to meet my subconscious.

When I contracted RSI in my hands was the first time I really came to understand the relationship between your thoughts and illness though. I’d known for a long time that emotions can trigger disease. Think about heart attacks, stomach ulcers, muscle knots, asthma attacks triggered by emotions and high blood pressure, for example. However, no matter how much I searched my mind I couldn’t figure out my RSI – I could see triggers for when it started, but I still didn’t cure it. Then I read Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection by Dr. John Sarno of New York University and a few days later I was typing again. The book not only said thoughts can trigger emotions; it showed how and once you know you can take control over it.

For the first time since I was three and contracted asthma, I felt in charge of my body. Before that I used to think my body was deceptive and would turn on me.

I’ve been on a mission this year to take responsibility for my life, open up emotionally and generally get back on the spiritual path. That’s kind of why I’m suddenly blubbering over on this blog and the Huff Post, because I have so much to process and when I process something I write. This determination to shift things has led to an amazing shift in my level of happiness and on a physical plane things are shifting too. That doesn’t mean it’s always comfortable though and I guess my head had sort of had it when combined with not being able to sleep properly due to my boy’s fear of ghost and nightly escapades. So last night I decided to have a bath to relax my muscles.

I love hot baths and even more so hot tubs. I get cold easily and it’s so nice to be warm. It makes me feel free. I also believe in detoxing through the skin and putting myself through discomfort to reach another level of strength though, so when I have hot baths I often push myself way beyond my comfort level (i.e. turn up the heat as much as I can take). I believe it’s good training; the same as pushing yourself to run when you feel like giving up. What’s more, I believe that it helps you face your thoughts in a similar manner to when you have a fever; you hang with the tension; with the discomfort in the body and face discomfortable thoughts which are lodged in the body.

So sometimes when I’m in a bath I basically practice hanging out with thoughts that unsettle me. I also tend to solve business issues and the likes in the bath, which I was doing too last night. All my unpleasant thoughts served up and dissected till I find my way to a path that works. Until I’m centered. Until I feel like I’m on the path I need to walk and hit a level of peace. Of groundedness. Of connection. Of passion for my life, or the part of my life I’m contemplating.

What I find interesting as well is that those things you’re supposed to do, like all the five million breathing exercises I learned in drama school in voice and yoga classes, happen naturally when I do this kind of purging of thoughts in a too hot bath. Because you fucking have to get rid of the energy somehow.

Likewise, I sometimes do stretching sessions, when I literally feel my body letting go of stress. I do these sessions intuitively and let my body stretch as it wants to stretch, which is also when you suddenly start doing the breathing exercises. I do dancing sessions too, where I feel I let go of things – led by my body. It’s a very connected process, yet it’s free.

I have no real clue what I’m trying to say with this blog – at this stage I think it sounds like I was a hot wet mess last night and that’s about it; I’m a lunatic with a love of water and a penchant for sexual metaphors and innuendo. But my real point I guess is that thoughts are lodged in the body and the body, likewise, affects the mind. When we purge our body, we purge our mind and when we purge our mind, we purge our body. I think the interaction between the two is important though – it’s important we pay attention to our mind when we do something with our body and vice versa.

When was the last time you really scrubbed down every inch of your body whilst thinking about how you really feel when doing it? When was the last time you stretched your entire body and looked at the thoughts that came up whilst doing it? When was the last time you danced and worked through your emotions with each step? And when was the last time you did something to push your body through its comfort zone, be it through exercise, a hot bath, or a sauna?

I did it last night and for me, well let’s just say it was an interesting experience. It was also an experience in loving and looking after myself.

I highly recommend reading Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection by Dr. John Sarno – it changed my life. 

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Wounds…

Did you ever get so angry you wanted to punch someone in the face? Yet looking back at it you know that all they did was spill a tiny, tiny amount of salt in your wound, which hurt so bad that your first impulse was to hit them in self-defense. You thought you were under attack, when in fact you were defending yourself against, erm, salt.

That’s the illusion of our emotions.

Sometimes the way we see things completely alters a situation. At times we think it’s obvious someone should just walk over and hug us (or whatever else it is we want in the situation) because x, y, z has happened and we feel like shit. All we want is a hug and we think it’s so obvious. Instead, because they don’t realize x, y, z happened, they only see x and they only see it from their perspective, they just shrug their shoulders and carry on talking about whatever. So you think they don’t care. Or you have a eureka moment and realize that you suck at communication.

Other times, it’s us who do the interpretation. Someone says something, or does something, and we interpret it to mean something really bad, when in fact they had no intention to harm us. It’s our own assumption that harm was their intention.

Yet other times it’s like the introduction of this blog – someone throws about some salt, it hits your wound and you feel like you’re in extreme pain, when in truth they did nothing to harm you, or what they did should only have caused a fraction of the pain it did.

The other day I got furious with myself because I realized I have a big bleeding wound regarding one matter. And I felt if that’s the case then I will never ever achieve this one thing. I’ve been so hurt in one area it’s enough someone looks at me funny in situations relating to it, to make me want to punch them. I was despairing because I thought if that’s how raw my wound still is, then how can I ever sort this out. Will I continue to be drawn to bad situations related to this?

Then came the eureka moment: all I need is a good experience. All I need is for people in this area to help me heal. I don’t have to be perfect in everything, no one is.

If you have been told you are worthless in one area for the most part of your life, what you need is someone who believes in you in that one area. Of course, you still need to take responsibility for your own healing, but just because you are still healing doesn’t mean you will attract bad things in that area. All it means is that you need twice the love you do in other areas. You need someone kind hearted enough to understand and work with you.

It’s fascinating how our minds work – how they are programmed to make certain assumptions due to past experiences, as well as the information you have. To remember that the other people you interact with have different experiences and therefore behave differently, as well as the fact that they don’t have the same information available you do (your point of view), is important. Sometimes when I sit back and watch what conclusions my brain comes up with when I try to untangle the seemingly inexplicable emotional reaction I have to something, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

On the one hand, it’s fascinating and ridiculous to see how you ended up feeling the way you did, on the other hand I despair thinking I’m a hopeless case if I have those emotional reactions. Imagine one day if I don’t manage to control them and sit down and analyze them before I react? Normally I’m pretty switched on and I go for that metaphorical walk before I do anything, by the end of which I’ve come to my senses, but what if I don’t? I know for me it’s usually that I feel worthless/not good enough/unlovable (it’s my master wound if you so like, hidden under layers of “everything needs to be perfect” and “I need to be super woman in everything” which of course fuels the wound as you are never perfect enough, especially as you take on more than you can handle so as to ensure you are just below what you could be in any one area), so I would do something to get rejected to prove it true and that’s just no good.

The solution, of course, is to take responsibility and always do an emotional cleanse before you react and surround yourself with people who understand and support you. We all have one area or another that is our achilles heel and to heal it, we need both our own support and that of others, if our wound is in any way related to other people.

I think sometimes we want to give up when we are the closest to a solution as well, because all our emotions are triggered. This year I’ve been trying to clean up my wound related to men and whenever there’s a mouse on my doorstep (that’s to say: someone poured salt in my wound which I’ve sort of exposed to air to let it heal) I’m like “OMG, there’s an elephant in my room and I’m being trampled, someone help me please. I’m gonna die. Like right now. The elephant is really big and those hooves are just gonna crush me.” Five minutes later I’m like…well, that mouse is, uhm, tiny. But if you happen to meet me when I think there’s an elephant in the room which I’m fighting for dear life as I think it’s about to kill me…

Thankfully I’ve not exercised my wound healing on a man, because we’d surely both be dead by now if that was the case. Accidental trampling by elephant and sword throwing by angry woman. And I love elephants, both metaphorically speaking, and in real life. It’s one of my favorite animals. I just happened to get a bit trampled when I was younger so I defend myself against peaceful elephants too and if you defend yourself against a peaceful animal, well, they might get angry. So I’ve been avoiding elephants I care about for a while and this year I decided to face my fear of elephants because end of last year I bumped into one I quite liked the look of and I haven’t done that for years. If I ever get to know this elephant, or someone else like it, I don’t want to provoke it to trample me.

And I’m now starting to think elephants was a bad metaphor. For a variety of different reasons. Not least the trunk… Besides, having confessed to my ultimate wound of worthlessness, I now need to finish this piece asap (no more time for elephants) as I have to go and be perfect at something which I slightly fail at, because I’m doing something else at the same time. You now understand how emotional wounds run our lives subconsciously? Great. You’ve been enlightened and I mortally humiliated. As one always is when one confesses to wounds and exactly how ridiculous they make one act.

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The see-through dress…

Inside we’re beautiful. We all have a heart. That heart is astounding.

Surrounding that heart are thoughts we’ve picked up about life, people and so forth. There’s fear. There are behavioral patterns. All stemming from these thoughts.

And I’ve blogged about this before. My wounds. My fears. Yet it seems to me with every year the wounds fade, yet they creep into places we don’t see. We act in ways that aren’t serving us as the wounds dictate our behavior without us even noticing. It’s small things once we’ve healed the bleeding, but it’s still there. Undercurrents that make us feel things. And we act on our feelings, not on the truth. Not from the heart.

Early on I picked up I wasn’t good enough – mom died without leaving me any special note of love. In fact she didn’t even tell me she loved me as far as I can remember. And she rejected me the last time she saw me. She was high on morphine, but I was six. I didn’t understand. She hugged my sister. My dad was angry when she complained of pain when I hugged her.

Then I moved classes two years later and ended up in class filled with bullies. I went from popular to nerd, over night.

Later arrived my new step-mom who treated me and my sister like Cinderella. Not necessarily intentionally, as she was blind as a bat to her own flaws, but it was pretty bad all the same and everyone else picked up on it.

So I started to have fear. Fear I wasn’t good enough. My dad always stressed the importance of performance, so I became good at performing. I was an A-student. I could dance. I could draw. I could write. I could do photography. I was good at presentations. I was good at leading projects. I was good at things, but I lost my sense of self. I literally felt like I had a hole inside. I didn’t know who I was. Or if there was a me? There were results though. If I was kind enough, acted well enough in social situations, did good enough at whatever it was I was doing, then I must be good, mustn’t I?

I responded to what was happening by withdrawing myself. I tried to protect myself by disappearing. When I was fourteen I was so scared of others I hardly spoke unless spoken to. But that was not the person I wanted to be. That was not like the heroines I read about. Not like an adventurer and lioness. I wasn’t allowing the fire I felt inside to burn freely. So I made a promise to change. I wanted to be who I truly was.

I really did push myself. I spoke when I didn’t want to. I spoke up against bullies. But I constantly judged myself. I was petrified. I was still just trying to gain acceptance, but in a new way.

I lived in the same prison, but the walls looked different. Trying to be perfect.

When I graduated drama school I asked myself what self-love was? It took another couple of years and a depression as I wasn’t doing good professionally (I had no idea how to actually launch my career – it’s kind of pointless loving and being good at things you don’t get to actually work with) till I realized it. The hot tub moment. Depressed in a hot tub in the Hollywood Hills asking God for help I had a realization that life is my gift and I can do whatever I want with it. I will never have all the answers in one go. I will keep learning. I don’t have to achieve anything. I can just be. This life is my life.

Things shifted after that. My inner monologue of judgment – assessing what people thought of me – started to somewhat fade. And I learnt more, grew more. With my move to Africa I learnt love at a whole new level at Little Angels where I was appreciated and loved and where my focus shifted to kids instead of myself all the time. My ego healed more. My gray days dissipated. Here I faced a war. It was traumatic. But my ego healed more and more. I feel so much freer now. So much more like me. Real. Alive. Here. Present.

Yet, having a conversation with Liezl yesterday about fear – those undercurrents we don’t necessarily see – I told her I still do things on auto-pilot. I sometimes avoid certain social gatherings because I have fear. I don’t necessarily see it. I just don’t feel like doing something. And whilst I love a dinner party with interesting guests, dancing all night long, or any crowd where you’re guaranteed great conversation, or great laughs (I like to play), talking about nothing all night bores me and I’m terrible at it. I guess that’s when my childhood wounds get scratched. I feel like I can’t be entertaining enough, even if I’m bored myself. Socially inadequate. Like that shy kid in the corner. The one who thought she was worthless. Unloveable. Couldn’t understand what she’d done wrong for the world to dislike her. She’s still there somewhere you know. She was me and I am her.

Sometimes I fear dealing with business people who know more than me. Instead of praising my own creativity that I bring to the table I panic about not knowing the numbers. And so I stop. I lose inspiration.

I know I have fear around falling in love. Dating is fine. I can do it in my sleep. I learnt that. To me dating and flirting is an art, just as communication and lovemaking are an art. If you say please and thank you, people respond to you better. Same with flirting – some things work, some don’t. I started off in the wrong end as a shy geek, and it forced me to learn about it. I’m thankful for that. I learnt the value of great communication because I didn’t know it.

Letting someone close is another cup of tea. And when I meet men that you know, have that thing, it scares the bejeezus out of me. When I started out dating I went out with the crazy gorgeous kind of men I adore, who walked all over me. And they always lacked…something. Well, most of them. Then I started dating men I didn’t adore, the lukewarm kind, who didn’t walk all over me. I guess I tried finding “the nice one.” I like them, but there were no sparkles. Now I’d like to build trust with someone who actually makes me see stars. You know the perfect playful adventurous naked soul connection which I desire, where there’s also trust. I like crazy. I will always like the off the beaten path intellectually stimulating outrageously playful creative souls, so I might as well embrace it. In the right way. Under the covers…or on top of them…or somewhere else entirely…

In the past I’ve feared gossips. They can be really mean and for no reason as the people who gossip about you generally don’t know you. They see 1-5% of you, or a situation, make up their own version to suit their reality and off they go to bring you down as you are a perceived threat. You rattled them somehow and off they go black mouthing you. So that they can feel better. Why else spend time talking about someone negatively? This used to make me want to hide. To stop rumors. To please people. To show them how kind I truly am. (Even a straight forward confrontation, or misunderstanding between friends used to make me want to do anything to prove myself.) But then I came to the conclusion at one point that some people don’t want to get to know you. They want their version of events. So let them think what they want and set about giving of your heart as best as you can anyway to the world.

And watch out so you don’t end up in the prison of attitudes when people rattle you. Of pretending to be cool. Smart. Sexy. Haughty. Right. Angry. Don’t run away with your emotions and justify your attitude. Be. Feel it. Then act from the heart. You don’t need to prove something; neither to the people you love, nor to the people who dislike you. You just want to be. As you are. Right there in the moment. Heart open. Feeling. Feeling your own vulnerability and beyond it your strength. Naked. In the light. That’s how wounds heal. Because they have no power over us anymore.

Only when you can be naked can you truly wear any dress and own it.

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One life, one love…

So it’s still I challenge you to love month. My emotional challenges vary daily. Today I decided to write a few love poems. I just wrote whatever came to mind, or came to heart if you so like. I really dislike posting it, because it makes me cringe, so that’s why I’m doing it: it’s a challenge. It makes me cringe because it’s not a consciously nicely written post. It’s a post written without thinking, allowing parts of me I don’t even agree with to come out.

Whatever part of me that wrote it, whether grand, or small and insignificant, whether amazingly wonderful, or totally messed up….whatever the part, it is part of me and I would like to uncover myself all the way until I reach my heart, my core and live from that core every single day. I think the way to do that is to acknowledge every part of me. To love and heal every part of me. To gently, gently love myself open. And for me that means allowing the girl with the broken heart to speak. The girl who has had a broken heart for more years than she can remember. It’s allowing the girl who loves so much she’s ashamed of her love to speak. The girl who felt her love was never welcomed and tried to hide it somewhere deep inside. It’s allowing all that, coming to peace with all that and going beyond all that and becoming the woman who simply loves. Loves all.

It is one life, one love. That’s all there is: your life and how much love you pour into it. To hold back in any way is folly. I want to live my heart. To do so, I have to shed all the layers of memories, beliefs, guidelines about myself and life… Acknowledge them, accept them, love them and let go of them. Writing without thinking (which for me often is writing sort of poetry) is quite a good way of doing that, because you let yourself speak the truth. Then you can accept it, love it and move on.

It’s been years since I wrote poetry. I used to write poetry (or whatever you want to call the maze of words that came out onto the paper) all the time. This is a tiny piece, one of the shortest I’ve written. I will now move onto my next challenge: write love poems about people who have touched my heart and write a love poem about myself. I’m already cringing so I feel this will be good. Maria coming to terms with being Maria.

Like a gentle morning
His eyes awakening
Sun streams of summer
Glory of dawn
The power of the ocean
The call of the sailor
Awake, awake and away
Forget, forget the sailor that sailed by

Sailor is a metaphor…and a metaphor I like given I’m a sailor girl…

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Broken souls and dreamers…

Dream All Day

Oftentimes it is those with the most darkness inside that are searching for the light. Those that feel pain that are searching for beauty. Those that feel emptiness that are searching for fulfillment. And if they want it bad enough and they work hard enough oftentimes they also get it.

It is sad sometimes when you meet “broken souls” that have created some of the most amazing things – the biggest corporations, the most wonderful art, the largest non-profits – yet their spirit is still deprived… They keep creating, because on the inside they still feel a lack, a need. You would think that along the way they would have found inner fulfillment, but it’s not always the case, because the beauty they sought was on the outside. The outside has managed, in some cases, to heal the worst part of their wound, but they are still confused, wondering why money didn’t stop them from feeling poor, or beauty didn’t hide all the ugliness of the world that they had seen.

Sometimes those that have the most fulfillment within don’t always search for change, for improvement, for revolutions…because they simply don’t feel a need. They are already OK. When they do search to change things for the sake of others though, they create amazing things.

Wherever we are at on our path to outer and inner fulfilment it’s important to remember why you do the things you do – find inner peace so you aren’t hunting empty dreams that will still leave your inner in turmoil and find your purpose, what really turns you on and propels your forward. Without it you won’t find a will to create; nothing will have meaning. That’s why lost soul’s sometimes create the most beauty – they have a purpose, a will to change, or to heal what’s broken. It’s just nicer to be healed and work for joy. It’s nicer to earn money when you already have food on the table, even though having no food on the table will probably make you work harder unless you have a really good purpose. And a good purpose is a blissful thing – it makes you feel like you are living the dream no matter where in the journey you are at… As Helen Keller said: Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.

Fight for your dreams already living the dream…

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I said hello, you fool, I love you…come on and join the joyride…

Yeah, I’m quoting Roxette. It’s alright. I have an excuse: I’m Swedish. When walking around town the other day my best friend looked at me and did a little jump: “I love you,” she said and laughed. I told her I loved her too. It’s emotional discomfort month and I had forgotten to tell her I loved her thus far that day. She has taken such a joy in this habit she now reminds me if I forget to say it.

People change with love. Their features soften. Their smiles shine brighter. Their hearts grow warmer. They look cozy, comfortable and inviting.

A Thing About You

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When you see beauty…..a smile, a look, a touch of that thing……….when you see something you love, do you share that? Do you tell the person what beauty you just caught a glimpse of? Do you invite them to open the door to their inner gorgeousness just a tad more? Do you open that door yourself? Do you allow yourself to feel happy about who you are? Do you invite others to see the beauty that is you?

I don’t know darlings, but this emotional discomfort month is changing my life…and that of those around me. I feel…I feel more alive. More on fire. More like a light rather than a shadow. More intense. More awake. More pulsating and warm. More free. I’m not just sharing my opinions, I’m sharing my emotions, my love and my heartfelt desires with the world. The jail I always felt captured me is now crumbling to dust. I am free.

By complimenting someone you are setting them free from their worst demons: their own disbelief in themselves. Their own negative thoughts are being conquered. They think you are their mirror. If you display joy, they will believe they are joy. If you display love, they will believe they are love. If you smile, they will think they are the reason for your smile.

Maybe your love alone will not transform the entire world…yet it will because everything you touch, that is capable of feeling your touch, will turn to gold. And that gold in turn will turn other things into gold. Your warmth will spread. Your light will brighten the night sky and you will be surrounded by your own light.

And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while…’cuz you are amazing just the way you are…

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