Tag Archives: motivational

To a beautiful soul…

Tomorrow’s blog will be all whips and chains. You know, a kick in the ass before the weekend. I like those Kicks up the ass.. The harder you kick, the more I’ll fight. The bigger the challenge, the greater my enthusiasm. Some people want offers they can’t resist. Personally, I tend to go for challenges I can’t resist.

I’ve thought about that a lot lately. I like to be pushed out of my comfort zone. I thrive on challenges. I love discipline. The harder you hit me, the higher I rise.

I’m never gonna stop loving challenges I don’t think. They’re addictive. Adrenaline fueled adventures into the unknown. Or simply running as fast as I can until I get high on endorphins. Try talking to me after a run and a cup of coffee. I will be delirious with happiness and overcome by enthusiasm.

The thing is, how I treat people is greatly the same as my father did: I give practical tips and enforce discipline. Often, I just wanted him to hug me and say it’ll be OK. Now, I’m the one dishing out “for fuck’s sake (wo)man up and change your life.” I don’t lovingly support people. I tell them to wake the fuck up and sort their shit out.

That’s how I treat myself as well. And in some ways, it’s really effective. Holding a gun to my head and telling myself to move, to do something — anything — to sort out whatever problem at hand, or rise higher in life, works pretty well at times. It’s just, when I need a hug, a helping hand, a caress, a pat on the back…I don’t know what to do. I think I’ve gotten better at it. Better at self-care. Better at asking for help. Better at allowing people to hold me, without me simultaneously telling them what my failures are. What I can get better at.

It’s just…you’re a beautiful soul you know. You sparkle and glitter. You’ve got kindness and love twinkling away in your heart. Maybe you’ve fallen on the ground a couple of times. Maybe you’re still lying on the ground. Maybe you can’t get up…maybe you’re crawling. But you’re still beautiful. You have gold speckles covering your body. Divinity floating about you in a cloud. Maybe you can’t access that right now. Maybe your mind is broken. Maybe your body too. But your heart and soul are intact. They always will be. You just need to find your way back to them if your life currently isn’t true to them. If your life is not a reflection of who you truly are deep inside. Allow yourself to recognize that you are love. You are divine. You’re no less, no more, than the person next to you. Life shaped you one way or another. That’s all. Inside of you are still all the wonders of the world and some. You’re beautiful. And maybe I’m not great at telling you that, because, well, I’m more prone to kick your ass, but I still see you, you know. I see the miracle that is you. And that’s why I’m here. Not because you’re broken, but because you’re whole. Because you are a heart and a soul. All the rest is just the topping.

Yin and yang. We need discipline. We need structures that hold us accountable to our highest self. But we also need love. We need someone who recognizes the divine in us. The purity that can be found within our soul. The love that exists there, even if it’s buried under a hundred layers of sorrow or hatred. Underneath all that is a diamond waiting to shine. You are that diamond. So am I. We are all beautiful.

Beyond our failures and achievements is a person — a heart and a soul — waiting to be seen. Someone who just is. I usually find that person by the ocean. A girl with her feet in the sand, or sea. Just a woman standing there. Not a failure. Not an achievement. No, just a heart and a soul, with her toes in the ocean. And that, that is the woman I want to be seen for. And that, that heart and soul, is who I see in you.

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Filed under diary, Friendship, Heart, Love, Psychology, relationships, Soul, Uncategorized

How to have fun with a butt, a camera and a bit of humor…

It’s been said that the quality of our life is proportional to the quality of questions we ask ourselves. 

Have a look at these questions, for example:

  • How did I become a failure? 
  • What can I do today to achieve something small today?  
  • Why am I such an idiot that I’ve allowed myself to become so unfit I can’t even climb a set of stairs without panting like a dog?
  • What’s one thing I can do every day to improve my health? 
  • Why is life boring?
  • What can I do to infuse my life with passion? 
  • Why is depression so difficult to deal with?
  • What can I do to deal with my depression?
  • Why is my husband so incredibly boring?
  • What can I do to spice up my relationship? 
  • My boss is so unfair, why do I need to have a boss like him?
  • What can I do to make my life at work better? And if I can’t, where can I find a better job? 
  • Why do I never go to the gym?
  • What’s an exercise I can do at home every day that I know I can handle doing and have the time for? OR What friend of mine can join me in an exercise challenge, ensuring I show up when I said I would?
  • Why did Mandela die and leave South Africa in such a mess?
  • What can I do to improve South Africa today?
  • Why are people bitches?
  • What can I do to spread kindness? What’s a random act of kindness I can perform today? (Kindness, as we all know, is contagious.)
  • Why are my orgasms so short?
  • What do people do to have longer orgasms?
  • Why do I keep making a mess?
  • What’s one action I can take to make things tidier?
  • Why am I feeling so listless and lazy?
  • What do people do to invigorate themselves/feeling awake that actually makes them feel good about being alive?
  • Why don’t I have the money to launch my $1M venture?
  • How can I start a business with $1 in three weeks?
  • Why aren’t I having fun?
  • What can I do to have some bloody marvelous good times?

First of all, ask questions about things you can do something about. You can’t control others, so control yourself instead.

Secondly, ask questions that move you forward, instead of burying you in a bunch of undesirable thoughts. 

So, what are you asking yourself today? Me? I’m going to ask myself…what can I do, one tiny — really tiny — action, every day/week to improve a number of different areas of my life. Because I’ve learned that those tiny actions eventually lead to big results. 40 situps a day (or 10 situps, four times a day) are 280 situps a week, 1120 situps a month. 100 situps a day that aren’t done, are 0 situps a week, 0 situps a month. Or a 1-hour workout a day that there isn’t time for, is zero workouts a day. 15-minute workouts every day, well, they add up. You can do the whole of Ab Ripper X in that time. That’s 275 bloody ab exercises. IN 15-MINUTES. The next day you do 275 leg/butt exercises, the day after that 275 arm/upper body exercises, the day after that 15-minutes worth of high-impact cardio. For me, this works. 1-hour workouts? Don’t have the time apart form my weekly dance class.

When I try to do too much, too soon, it doesn’t work out. When I do a little bit a day, it works.

Oh and I’m totally googling how to have longer orgasms.

So what questions are you gonna ask yourself today that change your life?

Dizzy blonde, over and out. 

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.

George Bernard Shaw

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Filed under diary, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Musings, Passion, Uncategorized, wisdom

Trick or treat…

Today people in many places will be handing out treats…or they’ll get tricked, probably ending up with toilet paper wrapped around the trees in their garden… 

I was thinking about this: how many people do you trick or treat on a daily basis? If you give me a treat, I’ll be happy. If not, I’ll do x, y, z. The best part? Most people don’t even ask for what they want, they just assume they’ll get it, or hint at wanting it, and then get angry if they don’t receive it. 

It really helps asking for what you want. In plain English. 

On the flip side of the coin, have you ever tried handing out treats just for fun? Like, say, compliments? I always write about it, but ever since I did a challenge with my best friend where I had to compliment someone daily, I became a big fan of this. 

You see, I used to be really shy, so as a kid I almost never complimented people. I was too scared they wouldn’t want to be complimented by me. The thought of uttering the compliment was so scary I just kept my mouth shut. Sometimes I still do, out of habit. That old fear flares up like a ghost, or I simply don’t think to say what I’m thinking as it was such an ingrained habit to avoid talking to people when I was little. 

Tim Ferriss (yes, we’re back to him), in the 4-Hour Work Week talks about how he challenged himself to do something until it no longer scared him. Such as walking up to a new woman every day asking for her number. Whether he scored or got rejected, he got so used to doing it, it no longer bothered him. It became circumstance instead of a big deal. Once you overcome the fear, you become free. You’re no longer a slave to your own fears. You can choose your actions freely.

The other reason I’m a big fan of this, is because I know what a compliment can mean. I used to be that shy kid right, and I was so shocked whenever someone said something nice to me, I’d hold onto it for an eternity. Replay the moment. Over and over again. It gave me some sort of hope that maybe, just maybe, some people could actually like me. Not just pity me because my mom had died, put up with me for some other reason, or talk to me because I was smart and talented, but like me for me. 

I came to think about this as I was asking myself what I’d love to experience right now? Like, I’m happy. I’m starting to feel fulfilled in a way I haven’t before. Yet, I long for certain things. Like compliments. Sometimes I just want someone I can cook for so that I can have them share in the experience I’ve created. Someone who appreciates it. An adult. Kids love my food. I get to hear that all the time. But an adult. Someone who appreciates me in a different way and shares experiences with me in a different way. Plays with me in a different way. Enjoys different kinds of adventures. That’d be nice. Sharing time and being appreciated. I think that’s what I’d want, if I could have a treat. And I get that treat sometimes. I have beautiful people in my life. It’s just that I’d like to create more of that. More adventures, more play time, more appreciation. Because people — the right ones — in and of themselves are a treat.

Meaning you are a treat.

Happy Halloween my darlings!

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Filed under Behavior, diary, Fear, fears, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Musings, overcoming fears, Uncategorized

I don’t have time for sex…

Two and a half years ago, I made a promise to myself. It was a very simple promise. It went a little bit like this: no more excuses.

I was at home for the holidays and my dad did or said something that pissed me off. I felt horrible. Then I realized that a) my dad loves me b) my dad tries to do and say things differently because he knows his ways sometimes upset me. So even if he still does and says things that upset me, I know he cares. He loves me.

Now, I was having PMS. So my emotions were going haywire. But I still realized that I can’t sit and mope about whatever shit my dad did in my childhood that fucked me up, or whatever he does today to piss me off. It’s my life. I’m responsible for my emotions. And my father loves me, so why do I get upset? Why do I blame him for MY emotions? And MY life?

We were all wounded as children. If it wasn’t our own family, it was society, some other adults, or some kids that did a number on our heads. But when we become adults it’s our responsibility to become who we want to be. No matter what baggage we were left with as children.

Do you have excuses?

I can’t have a good life, because I’m not earning enough money. I can’t find a partner, because I’m not good looking enough. I can’t meet deadlines, because I’m bad with estimating time. I can’t be on time, because that’s just the way I am. I can’t have a functional social life, because I’m constantly traveling (don’t ask me how many times I’ve used that one). I can’t exercise, because I’m lazy. I can’t make friends, because I’m shy. I can’t eat well, because I was raised on fast foods (or better yet: because I don’t have the time).

Some excuses are sneakier. I did well today, I deserve a cookie. I had a bad day, I deserve a shopping spree. I am tired, I deserve to leave work early today. I feel like shit, I deserve a night in bed instead of exercising. Do you deserve those things? Or do you deserve something that will ACTUALLY make you feel better in the long run? Such as being happy, healthy, fit and financially free?

Established neurological routes make us prefer to do what we’re used to, even if it’s not the thing that will make us feel better in the end. That’s why we have to constantly make ourselves aware of where we want to go and what we want to establish. I want to be fit, healthy, happy, financially secure, a good mother, etc. will drive you to make the right decisions. Focus on what’s working already, what is currently making you happy and where you want to go — your end result. Such as being fit, being happy, being a good mother etc. and let that inform you as to how you spend your time/make your choices. I also recently read a lot about using psychedelics to change your habits and I FINALLY listened to the abridged version of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but I’ll write more about that tomorrow.

When I made that decision about no more excuses, I was pretty far down a hole I’d dug myself into, running around like a mad chicken trying to get a visa to raise the twins and launch a business, to get the visa, and make a living doing something I wasn’t enjoying, because I couldn’t get a job in South Africa, because I didn’t have a visa. My list of excuses were endless but they all came back to the visa. Couldn’t have a job, couldn’t have stable finances, couldn’t have the kids, couldn’t have a stable social life, couldn’t have a relationship because of the visa. I felt helpless to my own life. I couldn’t see a way out. I kept going, but didn’t know how to get through. I was miserable. I was happier as a person than I had been as I’d worked on myself, but I was miserable with circumstance.

I decided to embrace what I had. I had two kids I helped raising. Adoption rights be damned, stable visa be damned: I was going to do what I could with the resources I had. So I started doing what I could with them without money and a visa — started coming up with things we could do without finances. And when I was on the other side of the world, I vowed to do my best to focus on what I could do: work and visa, instead of fretting about the children. I also made a decision that if I didn’t get my visa, didn’t get the kids, I still needed to find happiness. And I was in a space where part of me felt like I could just die if it didn’t go through. But that’s not the mother I wanted to be; not the rolemodel I wanted to be.

That decision changed my life. But when I ran into more visa problems just as I thought things were working out, I hit a dark space again. The nightmares about the kids came back. My paranoia that I wasn’t far enough along with my finances, my career, my social life, my love life…everything fell on my head. That’s when I got a coach. Because I realized I needed to do something differently. If what I’d done up till then hadn’t been working, someone needed to bring me new ideas to work with. And that totally changed my life.

I started spending time making new friends, even if I was just passing by (mainly because my best friend called me on my BS around that one — told me to suck it up and get out there even if I was just passing by as I happened to be in Athens with her). I started dating again, even if I was just passing by. I started working on getting better freelance work, even if it wasn’t my dream work. I started exercising again, even if it wasn’t my dream way to exercise because that was too pricey and would take up too much of my time. I started doing everything I could within my means to change my life around. Not surprisingly, I started feeling a lot better.

That’s not to say I didn’t have difficulties along the way. I did. A lot. Because I was pretty far down that hole and I was in a very difficult situation with the kids and the visa. I know all too well what it feels like waking up in the middle of the night shaking from worry and fear. But did I want to feel that way for the rest of my life? No. So I started to fight for change.

My coach says there’s only one creative structure: taking action to get from where you are to where you need to be and stop at nothing to get there. Engage your will. If one thing doesn’t work, you try another, until you get there. If you engage your intuition, instead of acting out learned behavior, chances are you’ll get there sooner. As our subconscious tends to dictate our behavior. Which is why getting someone else to give you some pointers as to what thoughts are really in control of your life, is rather useful.

I still have excuses in my life. I’m human. Oops, that’s an excuse. But I see the excuses now. And I tackle one after the other.

If you only have the energy/time for five minutes of exercise a day, then exercise for five minutes. If you don’t have time to change your eating habits around, then at least drink a green juice a day, or eat a raw apple and carrot a day. If you’re petrified of people but want a social life, then find a way of socializing where you aren’t petrified. If you don’t have time to work on your relationship but want to improve it, then spend five minutes a day doing something for your partner/connecting with your partner. If you want to start saving money, but don’t have money to save, then save a penny a day, or spend five minutes a day on building an extra income. If you would like to start a business/change your career, then spend five minutes a day on it. And if you don’t know how to do something, it’s not an excuse. Just Google it. Incredible invention.

There are usually a way to find a way around your own lousy excuses for why your life stinks. The first one is deciding there are no excuses. The second deciding you have the power to change your life. You are a powerful creator. After all, look at what you’ve created so far. Even if it wasn’t great, you created it. Now you can create something else. And once you start doing something small, you realize you have the power to do something big. Also, start thinking about what you HAVE accomplished that are good, the things that are currently working in your life and what you’re grateful for.

Start calling yourself on your own bullshit. There are no excuses. Even if you can’t do what you want, do what you can. Even if it’s the tiniest thing ever. Do something. Anything. To move your life forward. One step at a time.

And if you don’t have time for sex, I’d recommend you’d get really good at giving people orgasms in five minutes, or less.

Yours truly, over and out.

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I see your halo…

I always think there’s a sacred space between two people — it’s your unique connection. It exists nowhere else in the world; only between the two of you. It’s really unique.

But the connection between two people only stays sacred if you treat it as such. Yes, you may be uniquely connected — have things in common, fire up different sides of each other’s personalities, talk about things you don’t talk about with others, understand each other on different levels (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, intellectually) and so forth. But this is just the baseline. This is the connection. It’s not the relationship.

The relationship is how you treat one another. Do you show up for one another? Speak kindly about one another? Take care of one another? Make good on promises to one another? Hold a space of love for one another? Hold each other accountable for being the best you can be?

In short, are you committed to treating one another as sacred creatures?

The truth is, most of us weren’t raised to treat other people as sacred. We weren’t even raised to treat ourselves as sacred.

I’ve interacted with a lot of religious people who, presumable, see life as a gift from God. Yet, they don’t treat their body as sacred. They don’t treat their friends as sacred. They don’t treat strangers as sacred. They don’t even treat their life as sacred.

And while most of us try to do right by ourselves and others, we all fail at some point. Our learned behavior wrecks havoc in various areas of our lives. We don’t even understand how some areas of our life will ever work out, because they never have before.

Sometimes, we’re so far away from treating ourselves and others as sacred, we feel like giving up. We think we’ve lost the battle and might as well succumb to our sins towards self and others. But each day holds a new morning. What you did yesterday is not as important as what you do today. And if you start a new life today, even with baby steps, imagine where you’ll be ten years from now. Also imagine where you will be ten years from now if you don’t start with those baby steps.

So honor yourself by treating yourself right. And honor others by doing the same to them. Because each connection is unique. Each person is a unique experience.

It’s important to remember though, that beautiful connections is only half of what makes up beautiful relationships. Beautiful relationships can only be created when two people see each other as sacred and treat each other accordingly. That’s why there’s a big difference between attraction and love; passing connections and deep friendships.

You can always honor another soul, but you can’t always have a beautiful relationship with them. All you can do, is ensure your side of the equation remains sacred by honoring them and that, no matter how they view or treat you, your view of yoruself remain sacred. And by viewing yoruself as sacred, you also know when it’s time to walk away — be it from a toxic work relationship, or friendship.

I’ve been thinking a lot about perspective recently. About how our focus creates our reality. And I really believe that looking upon yourself, others and life as sacred makes for a much more beautiful reality. Because then your purpose becomes to live a sacred life; one in which you respect yourself and the world around you. One in which you seek to uplift yourself and others. One in which you take actions that honor yourself, others and life at large.

Sacred dizzy blonde, over and out.

P.S. Yes, I stole the headline. I didn’t say I was a saint, just that I’m sacred… I see your halo, halo, halo…

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Filed under business relationships, conscious lifestyle, diary, friendships, human spirit, Inspiration, Inspirational, Life, Motivation, Musings, relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Last night a woman saved my soul from a beast…

Last night I was fuming. I had smoke coming out of my ears. My child had been bitten by a dog at the neighbor’s who live on the same property and I hadn’t been informed. This, in combination with some other less savory things happening due to dysfunctional structures in South Africa left me in a foul mood. I’d been happy all day. All week, actually, as I’ve been applying a lot of the things I’ve been blogging about and felt freer and happier than I have in years. But, some things have rattled my nerves lately. Such as not having electricity. Such as people working for me stealing from my home. And this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

I’d made plans to go out last night to attend an event — to view the Legacy Collection by Chermaine Taylor. She creates jewelry and art using pieces from the fence found on Robben Island. Robben Island was home to the prison where Nelson Mandela stayed. In short, she makes art out of the very fence that used to keep Nelson Mandela a prisoner.

I didn’t feel like going after getting angry. So I figured, there was a reason I really needed to go. You know Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey? The threshold guardian. The more important something is, the bigger the threshold. Besides, I’d promised a friend to go, so off I went.

I loved the collection. Not that I’d necessarily be comfortable wearing a piece made from the fence though. I’ve been through a lot in South Africa. I’ve seen the pain and suffering. I have it on my doorstep. In fact, I’m raising its offspring. And that’s my passion: raising those kids and working with the kids and youth in the township. That’s what I love in South Africa. But through my passion I’ve come to live through events and circumstance that, according to my business partner, would “land someone in a mental hospital for ten years.”

So wearing a piece of a fence that brought so much suffering, didn’t feel right to me. In fact, it made me panic. Especially, as I often think about Mandela when I encounter struggles; think about what he lived through and how he went onto becoming one of the world’s most honorable and inspirational people. How he chose to become the Captain of his Soul, instead of letting himself get destroyed by events. He kept his spirits high.

I got talking to a lady that works for Chermaine as a sales rep. She was showing myself and my friend the jewelry (which really was very nice — I tried on a ring). I decided to ask her about the idea of carrying the fence on your person though — how she felt about it. And she opened up and told us about her nephew, whom she’d raised, had ended up in prison. He’d been released earlier in the year and was now doing well, but she was still holding her breath.

She talked about how she’d raised him since she was still in school. How she’d sometimes asked her teacher to let her go home early when it rained. Once she’d found him outside, on the steps, in the rain.

He’d been a good boy who’d gotten involved with bad people. I recognize the story. I’ve had the same battle with the girl I help raise. If you can’t keep them away from the township, you can’t keep them away from bad influence. It’s scary. Very scary.

The woman also told me about her aunt who runs a crèche in Khayelitsha (a big township in Cape Town). This aunt had recently become the foster mom of three children — the youngest the biological mother had tried to abort by her own means and given birth to in a toilet.

She said that her uncle, who used to drink a lot, had become so enamored by this girl that he’d turned his life around. The little girl wouldn’t go to sleep without him there. And her aunt had recently been nominated for a woman of the year award.

Liezl, who started and runs Little Angels, the not-for-profit I’m involved with and where I met the kids I help raise, have many similar stories and is raising other family member’s children too. Family members who have fallen foul to addiction.

I spoke to the lady about how hard it can be to live in South Africa and how stories like this is what moves one’s heart. What keeps one going. What inspires one to get out of bed in the morning. That and a very energetic toddler who likes pulling my nose and kissing me good morning.

Meeting this woman really made my evening — she inspired me. She made me remember my passion.

South Africa is filled with incredible stories. Stories about overcoming drugs, abuse, violence, alcoholism, corruption, dysfunctionality, gangsterism and poverty. It’s a country filled with brave souls who fight the odds and adversities.

As always, focus creates reality. You have to choose where you put the attention — on the people who are incredible beings, or the ones who aren’t. If you get caught in the pain, you’ll never enjoy the beauty. The joy. The love.

Maybe the jewelry truly is a celebration of overcoming adversity — the fence has been broken down, after all. And Mandela was released to become one of the world’s most influential leaders.

Focus creates reality. Life is a piece of creation — you create who you are and your life. Every day. You are a creator. You are also your very own piece of art. As is your life — an artwork. With a multitude of paint strokes from those around you. Hopefully, very beautiful paint strokes.

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Filed under diary, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, South Africa

Mirror, mirror…

We’re all given time on this Earth. This is our gift, if you so like. We can do whatever we want with this time. Some of us are born into poverty, some into luxury, some into emotional wellness, others into abuse. As children, we are molded by our circumstance, as adults we have the option to choose whom we’d like to be by focusing our thoughts. 

Some people have a lot of time on this Earth, some have little time. The best any of us can do is love and cherish the people in our lives while we have them. At some point, we have to say goodbye to everyone we love. That’s part of this journey. It doesn’t mean we won’t see them again if there’s an afterlife, but it means that for now we have to say goodbye. 

Time is limited. This is a fact of life. We can either cherish the gift we’ve been given and the people in our life have been given, or we can be bitter about it.

In the past, I used to get very upset by life. I still do at times. But now I know I have choice. Choice how I look upon situations. 

Like death. 

I was picking up the little one yesterday after he spent the day with his biological parents. His mother was having a hissy fit because the little one’s older brother on the autism spectrum was misbehaving, so she was saying she’d like to send him away.

This is the same child I help raise, who I recently asked her to take care of for a while as I wasn’t coping at home and didn’t have the money to pay for 24/7 special trained staff to take care of him. Now I see him for outings until he is enough in control of his emotions that he doesn’t constitute a threat to anyone in the household. 

As far as I know, there is no government institution to send him to in this country that would benefit his condition, because I have been round the block with social workers, doctors, schools and even the police.

Now, if I start thinking about this, I panic. I want my boy to be safe and loved. I want him to have all the help available the world. I want him to have a shot at life. And I’d like him to be able to live the happy side of his personality — the one that doesn’t attack people when having anxiety. 

So if I start thinking about him being sent away or the fact that he’s living an unstable life with his mother at the moment, I get sad. I worry. In the past, that meant that I would happily ruin my own life to try to keep him safe. But I know that didn’t work. Not for any of us. It was the wrong way to go about it. If I could go back in time, I’d have done it differently. Set up structures one by one that actually worked. Instead I tried to do everything at once, and ended up drowning. 

The only thing I can do is work. Work to earn more money. And focus on the end result of him being happy and healthy.  

To be in a frame of mind to earn more money, I need to be inspired. Beating myself up because I feel like I’ve failed him, or sitting weeping because I’m sad for him, won’t help. So I choose to focus on the good things in my life. Like the fact that I picked up my bundle of joy and went home to cook a chicken roast for Sunday dinner. I always wanted to create traditions and show my love through cooking. With the little one I have a chance of doing it. Of creating family traditions filled with love and joy.

So I choose to focus on the fact that I’ve always done what I can to help the kids and still do and that I am creating a beautiful home life in the present. One filled with candle lights, frog song and looking at the stars at night. There’s also a lot of doggie love, food, time in the woods and play. Poetry, art, film, photography and dance also abound. 

Think about it this way: you should be thinking about what you want to create (my boy getting the help he needs to create a happy and healthy life), not revel in the fear of what you don’t want to create (my boy being sad, unhappy and not getting the help he needs to one day conquering his condition). Think about what you’re working towards; what you’d love to create, because that will help you come up with ideas for how to create it.

I choose to focus on what I can do, what I love, what I’d love to create and what’s working. That makes me happy. That makes me inspired. That makes me energized. That makes me take actions that serve myself and others.    

Once you’re in control of your state of mind, you’re in control of your actions. 

Today, someone close to me messaged me to say she might have breast cancer. Part of me wants to panic about it. The other part of me told her that she needs to focus on the fact that whether it’s breast cancer or not, she’ll get through it. She’s a beautiful soul. She’ll win. And I told her to focus on the good stuff in her life and in herself. She told me I was healing her soul, bless her. And by doing so, she healed me. 

Friendship and love constitute the actions we take to make others feel better and help them face life better. Sometimes, that involves temporarily making them feel bad. Not so they stay feeling bad, but because you have to have them face the truth to be able to deal with it. They have to face their fears, their pain, their demons and then release them and actively choose to focus on what’s working, what they love, what they’d love to create (end results) and their good qualities. That’s what’s going to transform their lives, together with putting the right structures in place and speaking from the heart, instead of saying what they think they need to say to get what they want. 

I’ve had to learn to control my own reactions, not just to my own personal stuff, but to how I react to others. Because how I react to others, affect how they feel. If I get furious with someone, or start crying about them, will it help them? Will I speak from my heart? Or am I just in reaction — doing something on autopilot based on my learned behavior? 

Focus creates reality. Choose your focus, choose your life. 

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926736213797/?nic=1

Your life is a reflection of your thoughts and the structures you put in place to uphold those thoughts. Change your structures, change your thoughts. Change your thoughts, change your structures. Either way, you change your life.

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Filed under Death, diary, emotions, Friendship, Grieving, Healing, Inspiration, Inspirational, Love, Motivation, Uncategorized

When your butt gets in the way of romance…

Does your butt ever bother you? I know mine does. I mean my butt doesn’t bother you (at least I sincerely hope it doesn’t), my butt bothers me. I often call it my greatest asset BUT…

Do you ever make excuses? Like you know you want to ask someone out, eat a healthy meal, say sorry, launch a business, confess how you truly feel, work out, apply for a better job, get dressed up like you actually cared, go for creating what you’d truly love…BUT. But that big butt of yours just feels too heavy to move. In short, you can’t be bothered. Not that you’d put it that way, but there’s always a but. Either you’re too broke, too scared, too lazy, too busy, too ugly, too inferior, too…

You get the idea.

The problem? The problem is that half of the time we don’t even realize what we’re doing. We feed ourselves our own excuses and they’re so big the desire to do what we know is right can’t even be felt anymore. We can’t see our heart, for whatever it is our ego is doing to us, be it telling us we’re not good enough, or that we will certainly fail if we try.

Think about it this way. You want to sing karaoke, but you have a fear of singing badly and being humiliated. The thought of getting up on stage just to be humiliated isn’t a nice one. So your desire to sing doesn’t even feel like a desire anymore, because the fear of humiliation is blocking it.

The desire to sing is still there. You just can’t feel it, because your broken ego has gotten in the way of your heart. And just like that our egos destroy our joy. We don’t do what we’d truly love, because of fear.

90% of people who sing karaoke sing badly. It doesn’t stop them. Because they go there to have fun. Their focus is on having fun. Not on humiliation. No one will humiliate you if you sing badly. It’s just what your ego is telling you, because once upon a time you got humiliated doing something you loved.

Life is a lot like karaoke. We avoid doing a lot of things we’d love to do, because we have something holding us back. Or we do the things, but focus on the fear, or humiliation, and end up creating that instead. Like having the most amazing singing voice, but falling headfirst on stage all the same because we’re so nervous (i.e. fear of failure/humiliation) that we can’t keep track of our own feet. That’s how we prove our fears to be true.

Personally I used to have this kind of fear of humiliation when it came to showing I cared about guys, because as a kid I was humiliated in various ways when I liked them. Once someone I was in love with even stood up in front of people and said no one could fall in love with someone like me and that was the tip of the ice berg of humiliating situations. I was only a kid. A geeky kid who didn’t love herself very much, so I believed he might be right.

He was acting like a twat, but I also realized that he only said what he did because of the position he was in. I’m fairly sure he quite liked me. But his discomfort of being put on the spot in front of other people was greater than his desire to be nice to me. His butt got in his way of doing the right thing.

I was a teenager who felt I’d been humilated in front of an entire school. My coping mechanism? Showing I didn’t care so no one could get gratification from my broken heart.

What should I have done? Turned around and said it hurt. The only thing that would have affected that guy would have been speaking from my heart to show him that his actions weren’t right. I didn’t have to condemn him for them — you can’t really condemn people once you understand why they do what they do — but you can condemn their actions. You can honor them by showing them that their actions affect others and give them an opportunity to do the right thing.

I let my butt get in the way back then, just as much as he let his. I was way too scared to speak my truth. Instead I spent the next twenty years perfecting myself (removing the shy, inferior, geek) and pretending not to care when dating and proving every fear I ever had to be true.

Recently I realized that the only thing that stops two people who are a fit from being together, is either not sorting their own shit out, or not caring enough. If you aren’t a fit, you aren’t. Nothing you can do to change that, so you can’t really fuck up in that way. Nor is it humiliating finding out you aren’t a fit — you just aren’t a fit.

So you can’t fuck up with the wrong guy and the only way to fuck up with the right one is not caring enough.

For the first time in my life I’m more worried about not showing I care, than showing I care. All thanks to realizing I cared about a guy I was dating and I was OK with that. I felt hurt and I didn’t try to prove I wasn’t.

What you want from a person you date is the same that you want in your own life — someone who can be bothered to move their butt. Someone who doesn’t let their fears, or anything else get in the way of their desire to be with you. Someone who does the right thing, even when it’s uncomfortable. Because there will be discomfort in relationships — we all have baggage and we all fuck up. You need someone who is willing to go beyond their own comfort to fuck it right. You want someone who fights for you, the way you fight for your own dreams. And to have a healthy relationship, you first have to start caring about moving your butt in your own life.

We all know what the right thing to do is. We all know what we feel. We all know what we want to create. The question is if our our fears are making us feel like we don’t want to do what we truly want to do? Is our fear preventing us from creating a life we’d love? Are we sitting on our butts, or are we creating our dreams?

My gran is dying and I keep thinking she doesn’t have a chance to create anymore. I can. I can choose to create all the things I dreamed of when I was a kid sitting in her kitchen. I can tell her that my life is finally going somewhere because I ditched the excuses and the fears and started working from the heart.

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Image Source: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/507780926711708252/

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Filed under adventures in life, Dating, diary, Inspiration, Inspirational, Love, Motivation, Relationship, relationships, romance, Uncategorized

Why wiping someone’s ass should be a dating priority…

I was speaking to my ninety-one year-old gran last night and her body is falling apart. Quite literally. She has breast cancer which came back and now her body, apart from being old and frail, is struggling with coping altogether. It was a harrowing phonecall.

It’s not that my gran is at the ICU at the moment, or in a hospital bed. She was at the ER yesterday though, because her body is filling up with fluid and she has diahorrea. It’s not pretty. In fact, it’s pretty damn horrific.

I was with my gran a year-and-a-half ago when she was first diagnosed with cancer and had surgery. I was raised partially by my grandparents and I’ve seen gran and her body in some of the most compromising positions you could imagine. I’ve also seen her struggle as she got older. Struggle to walk, struggle to get dressed, struggle to stand up… Her body is old.

My other gran, before passing away, became senile. With her I saw the struggle of remembering things, as well as fighting demons from the past. I got phonecalls about old lovers and heard of bitter regrets. I was there to help her use the bathroom. Ever since I’ve said that true love is wiping someone’s ass when they can no longer do it themselves.

My grandparents were my saving grace when I was a child. They were there through mom dying, through the bullies, through evil stepmoms, through teenage depression, they were there through it all. They were the place I ran to. They were my safe haven.

That doesn’t mean that my grandparents and I have always agreed on things, or understood one another — far from it. But I grew up with them serving me by raising me, so I always wanted to give the same back. Protection and care. And I think that’s the bottom line of any relationship. If that kind of commitment isn’t there, you have nothing.

We inherit the best and the worst from people. My grandparents brought me life, security, artistry, creativity, smarts, asthma, cold sores and vericose veins. I’ve never disliked my body, nor have I ever really understood if someone has loved me, or my body. Because, you know, I have flaws. I couldn’t breathe properly as a child, how’s that for being flawed?

My childhood had my self-confidence obliterated, save from the confidence I had in my skills. It’s taken me a long time to rebuild that other confidence; the part of me that’s OK to just be a human. It was only when I pretty much had nothing going for me in South Africa that I started to realize that I needed to learn to live anyway. You know, really live. Breathe in the moment and have fun.

In my battle for visa and adoption rights I’d pretty much lost everything I had — there was a business in limbo, no money in the bank, no social life, no career successes, no nothing. There was just me and what looked like a hopeless situation fighting for the children. And somewhere I decided to take responsibility for that situation and kick life in its balls.

It worked. Wasn’t pain free, didn’t provide immediate solutions, but it worked. I still have nightmares pretty much every night about the children, business, finances and visas, but I learnt to be happy in the face of it all. It hurts with the kids. It hurts to high heavens and back again, but I let it go and I live. I cry too, but I live. And I keep fighting. I just make sure to live too.

Feeling like you’ve fucked up your entire life can be a really good lesson in learning to live and love. Love yourself.

Now, my point with all this, is that we all have a choice to take responsibility for our lives. We also all have bodies that will one day fall apart. We face events that will, at some point, break us. We make mistakes that we regret with bitter tears. And sometimes we face pain in ways we never thought possible. Like being separated from a child, or losing a husband, or getting arrested for a crime we never committed.

But the only way to conquer that is to learn to live in the face of it. And slowly climb the mountain to overcome it. It doesn’t happen over night, but it is possible. Your wrinkles, your flaws, your current pissy situation, none of that is an excuse to hate yourself, or stop finding moments of happiness. It might feel impossible, but you can and will love yourself and your life, if you just decide to do it. Little by little. So if it’s only finding one moment of belly deep laughter.

No, you probably aren’t perfect. Nor is anyone else. And everyone will annoy the hell out of you at some point, hurt you and make you mad as they come. But if you are committed to loving them and loving yourself, I think you have a fair chance of living a happy life. Even in the midst of all the chaos, unfairness and everything else that is life.

So do it. Go have fun. Because you can. Because you’re not ninety-one years-old and falling apart. Because you haven’t yet reached a point where there is nothing you can do about your regrets and failing memory. So live. Live a little.

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Gran and I. 

Want to see an inspirational woman embracing her body? Watch this! http://video.allure.com/watch/dispelling-beauty-myths-disabilities (Unfortunately WordPress wants me to upgrade my account to be able to share the video with you directly — so hence the link.)

 

 

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Filed under achievement, diary, Inspiration, Inspirational, Life, life lessons, Love, Motivation, Musings, relationships, Uncategorized

Beautiful you…

I love flowers

Dare to stick your neck out...into the flower field...

Knock, knock, who’s in there? Will you come out? Will you show me the beautiful you? Will you share your love and laughter with the world today? Hiding in the shadows doesn’t bring much light to your eyes. Walking in the sunshine makes your skin sparkle and your eyes twinkle with delight.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been a master at hiding. Since age nine, or so, I remember walking in roundabout ways to avoid people I thought would rather not see me. I remember locking myself into my room to avoid my step family. I remember looking down when a cute guy passed my path in fear of rejection. I remember feeling like a burden; an unwanted piece of something, that was better off hiding so as not to disturb others.

To this day I sometimes still retract; hide in a corner. Frightened that my company is unwanted; a burden on someone else. I don’t dare to open up and show the beauty that is me. I don’t dare to give.

If you aren’t sharing the light that is truly you. If you aren’t showing off your talents, your smile, your gorgeous, gorgeous laughter, you are doing the world, not to mention yourself, a disfavor.

The world is not here to judge you – the world is here to love you.  The world is not here to put you down – the world is here to enjoy you. The world is not here to punch you in the face – the world is here to fall in love with you. You see though, the tricky thing is for the world to enjoy you, they have to see you. For the world to receive your gifts, you have to give them. For the world to laugh at your jokes, you have to tell them. For the world to hear your stories, you have to share them. For the world to fall in love with you, you have to fall in love with the world.

And if you want for someone else to open, you have to love them open. Like a flower opens to the sun, humans open to love. That doesn’t mean there can’t be boundaries and discipline and telling someone right from wrong, that too is love, but without love all is empty. Without love we all close up. And so, you also have to love yourself open, so that you can see the beautiful you. So that the world gets a chance to enjoy you and you get a chance to enjoy the world.

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Filed under Courage, Creating, Creation, Fear, Freedom, Friends, Friendship, Gifts, Inspiration, Joy, Life, Love, Motivation, People, Personal Development, Psychology, Self, Self-confidence, Self-help, socializing, Society, Thoughts, Uncategorized