Tag Archives: Personal Development

Awakening…

Sometimes we die. Not literally, but it’s as if our flame burns out. We’re tired. We don’t seem to have enough energy to get excited about anything.

Usually we cause this ourselves. We do this thing whereby we think thoughts that don’t serve us. We obsess about our mortgage payments, or losing our job, or failing our exams, or our daughter’s battle with drugs. Or maybe we obsess about how little our parents love us or how little our partner cares. We get lost in a cloud of despair, or hopelessness. Or maybe not even that, it’s just we waste our energy on entirely the wrong thoughts.

Then, suddenly, we have a good sleep. Or we see a man who makes us smile. Or a friend gives us a good laugh. Or something stirs our passions.

Then, then you feel it coming back. Your body starts to tingle. Your mind starts to sing. You feel desire brewing within you. The desire to do what you love. To live your passions instead of your fears. To think about what you love, instead of what you do not like.

It’s like that first cup of coffee in the morning that makes your eyes pop open and your mind become alert. Suddenly, the air is filled with opportunity. And life, life seems a brilliant journey once more.

This is your life. Your journey. Choose where you put your focus. You can do the exact same thing you’re doing now, but live a completely different reality.

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde

Awakening indeed. I write poetry on Insta that you can buy as poetry collages on Etsy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Inspiration, Inspirational, Uncategorized

Bruised bottoms…

There’s no fucking backup plan for falling in love. You fall. You stumble down some stairs, land flat on your ass and look up to someone who now appears as a giant before you. All other men, in comparison, ants. They lack the beautiful traits, the significant looks, and the commonalities the other man shares with you. They seem insignificant in comparison.

The thing is, you have to do it. You have to fall. You have to imagine that this man is better than all the rest, even if you know it’s an illusion. Because without that illusion, there are no butterflies. No tingles in your forearms. No longing so painful and so sweet a mere text messages makes you erupt in euphoria.

You want those feelings.

At the same time, of course, you need to be practical. This man, if any good, will end up your husband. He has to be able to express what he needs, while still thinking you’re some thinly veiled goddess. He has to be able to say the hard stuff and praise–generously–the good stuff. He needs to be able to build a reality with you where you are both happy. He will have to read the books you recommend about marriage, and go on a trip to Beijing even though he doesn’t want to. He has to get up at five on days you have a fever, to make sure you get breakfast in bed. And just like that, you have to do the same for him. You have to do things you’d never imagined just to learn to understand and aid this giant of a man. And that’s when it really helps to think he is a giant compared to other men. It helps to have butterflies in your belly. It helps to be seduced by his mind and body, heart and soul. It’s the fuel that will take you through.

But all of that can only last–the endorphin high–if the hard work is done.

And that’s why many people get off of the floor, dust their bottoms, and start climbing the stairs again. Because they aren’t willing to work. To learn. To compromise. Instead, the giant becomes a giant obstacle, hindering them on their path. Or the giant is uncompromising; unwilling to move.

Thankfully, for all of us, we’ve learned that falling and getting up isn’t too hard. Not when you’re on round twenty-five, or so. You’ve learned you can climb stairs, even in stilettos. You’ve learned you’re OK, even when you’re bruised.

And if nothing else, there’s coffee. Dark, divine, delicious coffee. Laden with just the right amount of honey to sweeten it and cream to tame the darkness. That coffee, served at an ungodly hour will kickstart you once more. Your internal engine humming.

There’s also tea. Drunk together with friends, who pat you on the back and give you another cookie. A sugar rush. Something to bring you back to the moment and forget your temporary insanity when you thought a mere man a giant.

Tea brings new adventures as souls set out on journeys together; discover new thoughts; decide to start up businesses; or go on spa weekends in the country. Tea is the glue that keeps souls together. And we all know when it’s time to put on the kettle and bake the scones.

Then, there’s wine and champagne when we are in need of a good giggle–bubbles bursting on our tongue and tickling our throat. Landing in our belly like butterflies. And as our mind ascends to a pink cloud, we look around and start seeing men. Maybe not giants, but men with potential at least. Men who wink at us and tell us we’re OK, even with our bruised bottoms. Men who’d be happy for us to fall for them–men who might even catch us as we stumble down the stairs on a giddy high. Men who would, potentially, consider doing the hard work. The push-ups that will give them the muscle that make us smile and lick our lips. The men willing to go the extra mile. If, of course, we do the same.

One day, you’ll meet a man who will remain a giant. Till that day, dust yourself up and brew some coffee–head to a friend for tea and go out for wine. Life. Feel it. Brewing inside of you until it bursts out in cascades of stars. Be a star. Glitter. Glimmer. Indulge in every moment. Drink the morning dew. Recognize it for the nectar that it is. Turn up the music and dance around the kitchen. Look out over the rooftops of Paris as many times as you need to get inspired. Run so fast you fall over and laugh uncontrollably with a runner’s high. Drive along the PCH till you feel freedom pump around your blood. Howl at a full moon. Set yourself free–scream with joy and jump in puddles–and discover the treasure right there at your doorstep. Especially if you’re in isolation–make sure that doorstep fucking shines.

At eight o’clock I call you

Waiting to hear your voice

Like a kid waiting for Santa 

Like a desperate woman pouring a glass of wine

Oh even if you don’t pick up

And I’m sent to voice mail

I get to hear that dark grumble

That always makes me stumble

Right into your arms

Where I escape the day’s harms

You’re no hero

No man in shining armor

A tad bruised 

A tad battered

Scarred enough to be a man 

Lost enough to be human

But with an inner compass

Looking for the light 

At eight o’clock I call you

Oh even if you don’t pick up

And I’m sent to voice mail

I get to hear that dark grumble

That always makes me stumble

Right into your arms

Where I escape the day’s harms

The truth is

I learned to walk long ago

Both in high heels and bare feet

Even with sneakers in obstacle courses

And even though I sometimes stumble 

I know that I’ll win the race

Celebrate another day ending

And the next’s beginning

And yet at eight o’clock I call you

Oh even if you don’t pick up

And I’m sent to voice mail

I get to hear that dark grumble

That always makes me stumble

Right into your arms

Where I escape the day’s harms

I can walk 

I can run 

I can pick myself up when I stumble 

I’m fine

I’m free

I’ll bleed and I’ll heal

I’ll laugh and I’ll move forward 

I’ll love and live and pirouette

Around the next corner

For yet another adventure

But at eight o’clock I call you

Oh even if you don’t pick up

And I’m sent to voice mail

I get to hear that dark grumble

That always makes me stumble

Right into your arms

Where I enjoy another 

Of life’s treasures

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde aka Maria Montgomery and yes, the copyright is all mine and all that.

4 Comments

Filed under confessions, diary, Happiness, Insights, Inspiration, Inspirational, Love, Love-life, Motivation, Musings, Poem, poetry, Relationship, relationships

When shit hits the fan, buy toilet paper…and have a giggle…

This year’s trending words so far:

  • social distancing
  • masks
  • hand sanitizer
  • toilet paper
  • panic shopping

As a human, this doesn’t exactly make me smile. As a writer, I find it hilarious. It’s like living in a science fiction comedy where panic has turned humans into anti-bac spraying, mask wearing, toilet paper obsessed morons.

It is the year when toilet paper trumps roses as birthday gifts. Not that I ever found roses particularly interesting, unless they come delivered as a bush. You know, so you can plant them, grow them, harvest the petals and use them in cooking, baking and teas. Then, roses make sense.

Not that I object a beautiful bouquet of flowers–they’re a symbol. A beautiful symbol at that. It’s just, they don’t make my heart race, or my imagination take flight. For that, more innovative and thoughtful gifts are required.

Toilet paper, unlike a bouquet of roses, you can use. And if someone writes cute poetry on it, you may even enjoy your visits to the bathroom a little bit more.

In fact, I’d totally get behind the idea of receiving loo roll with poetry on it.

The thing is, when something like COVID comes along that has the potential of flooding hospitals with patients and kill off a small percentage of the population, not least because hospitals are struggling with resources, it’s scary.

But just as when terrorism and immigration were seen as the scariest things in the world, it’s not the scariest thing in the world.

If you Google the stats, you’ll soon figure out that cancer is a lot more frightening. However, you can protect yourself from COVID in ways you can’t from cancer. Then again, certain cancers, are caused by toxins, HPV (a sexually transmitted disease), and lifestyle choices. And those cancers you can protect yourself from, but are you?

Are you living a healthy lifestyle devoid of toxins? Do you refrain from sex with a lot of different people? Are you building up your immune system?

Even with COVID, working on your immune system is a great idea. From what I’ve learned when penning health and wellness articles, that means good sleep, time in nature, exercise, healthy meals and a life with as little negative stress as possible. Certain herbs and spices may also help you build up your immune system.

What people believe to be the scariest thing in the world, often isn’t the scariest thing in the world. But that doesn’t mean it won’t kill some people. Take precaution. But also take precaution for things that aren’t perceived as immediate dangers. Such as having a heart attack due to poor lifestyle choices. I bet overdosing on fat and sugar doesn’t scare you half as much as COVID, but it should. Statistically speaking.

Personally, with COVID, I’d rather be safe than sorry. If I can socialize two meters apart, in nature and spray everything with anti-bac, I’m quite happy with that. For now.

That, however, does not mean I’ll focus on COVID. I don’t need to listen to COVID stories all day long. I don’t need to think about toilet paper. Hey, if we run out there are magazines and leafs and this thing called washing using water.

This year has been a rollercoaster for most of us. And some have lost near and dear ones to COVID. That’s horrible. But rollercoaster rides aren’t just horrible, they’re also a thrill and can give you the giggles. If nothing else, because everything’s upside down. So let’s focus on the good stuff, not on hand sanitizer.

You can choose your own trending words for the year. Such as art, creativity, nature, family, achievement, and happiness.

When things change, you have to find opportunities in things that present themselves in the now. Such as opening a bidet business, or manufacturing your own toilet paper. Or why not create a new exercise routine at home, launch the online business of your dreams, learn to grow your own vegetables, or finally meditate daily?

You’re your own boss. Now more so than ever.

No, you might not be able to travel to the other side of the world. But there is so much to be thankful for. This isn’t the plague and we aren’t living in the 1500s. That’s a starting point.

Leave a comment

Filed under diary, Happiness, Humor, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Musings

Let’s get naughty…

COVID. I haven’t blogged since COVID turned life upside down.

I’ve had a lot of good come out of COVID. I’m not ungrateful. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve grown. I’ve changed a lot of shit around and gotten rid of some shit, too.

I’ve even managed to create some epic experiences.

From time to time though, I get bored. I start climbing the walls and want to run around screaming. I feel confined. By four walls and some rather stunning mountains.

That’s when it’s time to get naughty. Indulge your imagination. Go on a tour of your mind. A mind blowing tour. Let yourself get excited again. Remember what you love. What stirs your soul. What makes your heart beat faster. What makes smiles appear as if out of nowhere and caress your lips.

Make yourself scream from excitement.

Remember. There is passion. Even if you’re currently staring at four walls.

Image Source: https://www.pinterest.se/pin/507780926738626169/

1 Comment

Filed under diary, Happiness, Inspiration, Personal Development, personal growth, Personal Journeys, personal stories, Uncategorized

You’re fucking A…

You have a beautiful soul. No matter what filthy mess you’ve gotten yourself into. No matter what financial mess you’ve created. No matter how much you fucked up with your spouse, the kids, the parents…you have a beautiful soul. It’s still in there. So stop beating yourself up and start living from that space instead.

No matter how many hours, days, weeks, or years, you’ve wasted messing yourself and/or your life and/or the people around you up, you can live a good life. Great life. Because you’re fucking A. Your soul is brilliantly beautiful and bloody marvelous. And you know it, don’t you?

We all know it.

Our own self-perception is weird, isn’t it? I keep thinking about what a mess my life is. It doesn’t matter how high up the ladder I climb, how kind people tell me I am, how many people I’ve helped…I keep looking at certain things thinking I’m an effing mess because I should be further along, or so I tell myself. Mess is my word of choice. I’m sure you have your own.

You can just live. This moment is all you have. And it’s your gift from up yonder. Yet, most of us have a measuring stick we are looking to, to check if we’re using this moment as we should. But what we really should is see it as a gift and live it as we want.

Maybe it’s just the other perfectionists and I who have that measuring stick. It’s natural that you know what’s good for your life and bad for your life. If you’re spending this moment robbing someone…well, it’s not going to serve you, or them. But if you are simply sitting there wondering if you achieved enough today, was good enough today, created enough today…then it’s time to shut up and start living instead of worrying. Enjoy yourself for F’s sake. Make use of this godly gift called life.

You know that one person who truly cares for your–the friend who loves you, the lover who treasured you, the child who adores you, the person who can’t wait to work with you again–maybe you should start seeing yourself through their eyes. Instead of thinking you aren’t worthy of their love and appreciation, act as a person who are. Accept that they see greatness in you, start seeing greatness in yourself and start acting as a person who is great.

And now I’m going to stop sulking about feeling behind in schedule and have a dose of I-love-myself-coffee. And possibly an Oreo cookie.

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde

Leave a comment

Filed under achievement, confidence, diary, Musings, perfectionism, self help, Self-confidence, Self-esteem, Self-help, Thoughts

Come hell or high water: poetic musings on life…

Here’s something that made me laugh. Out loud.

Are you someone who snorts horse tranquilizers? Didn’t think so. But if you’re trying to quit smoking, you may tell yourself that just one drag is OK. But you are not a smoker, just as you’re not someone who snorts horse tranquilizers. And someone who doesn’t snorts horse tranquilizers doesn’t sometimes have a whiff.  

This example, from Jen Sincero, made stop in my tracks. And laugh out loud.

Ever decided to turn your phone off when driving? I have. Which means I no longer check texts at traffic lights. But do you know how many times I thought to check texts at traffic lights when I first made this decision? And do you know how frustrating it is to sit there with nothing to do? 

I’m not a person who willfully causes accidents. Therefore, I’m not a person who checks my texts at traffic lights. That’s it. A decision is a decision. 

What’s helped me breaking this particular habit is audiobooks. It gives me something to think about while waiting for the lights to change. And when not busy listening to audiobooks, I play a game of looking around me to see how many details I can notice. As most of us drive the same roads every day without having a clue of what we’re actually seeing, this is a good exercise in observation.

Have you ever contemplated that you don’t even notice most of your life?

But back to audiobooks.

In general, audiobooks are helping me break a lot of habits. By filling my head with personal development books, I don’t have time to walk around thinking negative thoughts. I seriously recommend it for anyone prone to depression, or thoughts that don’t serve them in general. You can’t be depressed if you fill your head with thoughts that aren’t depressing and you can’t get stuck in unhealthy habits if you fill your head with healthy thoughts. And by infusing my brain with things such as how to make decisions that stick, I am implementing processes for a whole other life. 

When you make a decision to break a habit/enforce a new habit, think of it as you would snorting horse tranquilizers. If you don’t snort horse tranquilizers, you don’t sometimes do it, because, well, you’re not a horse tranquilizer snorter. And if you decide you’re a gym goer, or entrepreneur, or generally awesome person, then you do what they would do. As a gym goer, you go to the gym. That’s it. There’s no room for negotiation.

Decide who you are. Then act as that person.

I decided I’m an entrepreneur and filmmaker.

That’s why, last week I launched Magique on Etsy. After seven years of running around the globe, trying to “figure it out” I decided it was time to put one product on the market. Not all the product types I wanted to, but one. I don’t even have all the digital products I want on the market. That won’t happen till, well, I’ve had the time to create them all. For now, it’s mainly poetry prints. And I’m freaking out about it. Because OMG it’s not all the things Magique stands for. It doesn’t feel like a full representation of the brand. And OMG I’ve been working till midnight every night and I’m not making money from it RIGHT NOW. But what do you think derailed me from launching for seven years? The idea of perfection and needing cash right now, amongst other things.

I developed an entire product line (a physical one) that got massive praise and that I spent, literally, hundreds of hours developing together with a brand I spent another couple of hundreds of hours sweating over as I couldn’t pay for graphic designers to do it all. And the website. Another hundred hours (then I forgot to pay the damn domain fees and lost it all and now have to start from scratch. I learned WordPress for that site and let me tell you it’s not as easy as it sounds).

But did I launch? No. Just before doing it I always stopped. I didn’t have money to produce the physical products. I didn’t know how to operate the company with all the moving parts. If I broke it down, I didn’t know what product to start with. I traveled too much as I didn’t have a visa. All the stuff with the kids got in the way. I needed to make money RIGHT NOW. There was always something. And they were very valid somethings at times. They sounded like the perfect excuses. Anyone can understand that while you’re raising a kid with autism who’s smashing the furniture and trying to support golly know how many kids from a township while applying for visas you don’t have time to figure your business out. But I got my act together enough to start an Instagram account where I posted poetry related to the brand, as all our products come enchanted by words. And then I had this idea for digital products. And eventually I got the fuck on the fuck and launched the company on a full moon on Friday the 13th 2019. With six products.

Then I kept working.

Now there are more products.

I launched my business. Because I’m an entrepreneur.

And this morning, when wanting to go to the Cheesecake Factory and thinking about how long it will take till I get ot America…I decided to go to the local coffeeshop and buy cheesecake. Because I’m not someone who lives for delayed gratification. I’m someone who enjoys life.

Decide who you are. Then act on it.

I highly recommend: You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero. If you want to be a badass that is. If you want to sit on the couch/behind your office desk, bemoaning your life, then I highly recommend you do nothing.

In need of a last minute Christmas pressie? Or feel like buying one of my products and leave a review to support me on this journey of badassery? I’d appreciate it. I’d actually love it. So I’m giving everyone 65% off last minute Christmas gifts from Magique. As they’re digital downloads you can buy the download and print it at home, or at the local printers. If you buy something, send me a note so I can thank you for it.

This link will give you 65% off meaing some prints cost less than $3.50. https://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMagiqueBoutique?coupon=FRIENDS65

Leave a comment

Filed under Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Poem, poetry, Uncategorized

Go a little wild already — why acting like a cave woman is really the way to go…

Welcome to the pity party. It’s a certain kind of glorious celebration of all our flaws and misfortunes, where the champagne flows together with tears, complaints and general misery.

Here’s the deal. I don’t know about you, but I, myself, and several of my friends, acquaintances and even people I’ve overheard talking in general, have been known to complain.

For example, you know the person who’s terrible with finances, but would like to become a millionaire (that’d be me), yet have never picked up a book about mindset and money, nor about how to manage personal finances, nor gotten a budget app. The person who can’t keep a boyfriend for more than two weeks, but would like to get married, yet have never ever read a book about what healthy relationships are all about, engaged in personal development to learn about themselves, or gotten therapy. The wannabe entrepreneur who isn’t running a business (also me), who has never picked up a business book, nor takes steps towards launching their business. The person complaining about being fat/unfit, but who won’t eat healthily, nor exercise. The person wanting to be in excellent health, but who smokes all the time. The person who’d like a job they would enjoy more, but who is not educating themselves, nor trying to work their way up the company, nor looking for another job. The person who wants great sex, but have never told their partner they’d like to try something different, nor picked up a book about sex, or sensual pleasures. The person who is feeling like shit all the time and would like to get happy, but does not attend therapy, nor read personal development books, nor attend personal development courses. Possibly they also don’t eat well, nor exercise, nor sleep on regular hours, nor have a healthy social life, nor engage their brain in interesting tasks, nor practice meditation and mindfulness, nor spend time in nature. All which are scientifically proven to improve one’s mood. The person who’d like to live in a fancy mansion and always complains about their apartment, but have never ever tried to decorate the place better, or improve it in any other way.

In short, there are a lot of people who want certain things and complain about not having them. They also have excuses for why they don’t have them, be it excellent health, or smashing finances. It’s a matter of time. A matter of money. A matter of not having the education. A matter of it being too difficult. A matter of someone, or something, getting in the way. A matter of…whatever the heck it may be.

I have excuses for the areas in my life that aren’t what they couldn’t be. A lot of them. They aren’t so much excuses as they are reasons. I don’t have great financces, because I spent all my money trying to rescue a child with PDA from himself. Ways I thought I should live life. But one day you wake up and realize that unless you flush those reasons, those behavioral patterns and those “look what got in the way” down the drain, you’ll never live a better, happier, healthier, more financially secure, more pleasurable and more fun life. You can wave goodbye to your dreams, your hopes and your desires.

I’ve been filling my brain with personal development lately. I’ve also been really annoyed with some other people not getting their shit together. And by listening to personal development books and making certain distinctions, while studying other people’s patterns, I’ve also seen my own.

There’s always an excuse not to go after your dreams. There are always habits that will get in your way. There are always people who will get in your way. And there is always going to be shit happening that’s going to derail you for a while, or be annoying as F. But there is only one way of getting to where you want to be — do everything in your power to get there and stop at nothing.

If you spent one week, just one week, focusing on a goal you want to achieve, letting yourself be derailed by nothing, how far would you get? If you ignore the house that needs cleaning, the bills that need paying, the lawn that needs mowing, the Netflix movies that need watching, the… If you just focused on that one thing, how far would you get? And if it was a matter of your mother needing surgery and you finding the money in 24 hours, how far would you get? What lengths would you go to? When the stakes are high, we usually get very creative and resourceful. When we think we have till forever to get off our asses and do what we know we must, we usually don’t move.

Move. Run. Go.

Your life is now, not tomorrow.

And if you really want to get that guy naked — there are no excuses. Just act like a cave woman, club him down and drag him to your bedroom. If he doesn’t like it, you weren’t meant to be. Now you can start fantasizing about someone else. (This is a metaphor. Don’t club him down. Just whip his ass and tell him to get his clothes off. Pronto.)

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde — aspiring entrepreneur and millionaire

2 Comments

Filed under achievement, diary, Goals, Humor, Insights, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Personal Development, personal growth, personal stories, success

What’s going on in that beautiful mind…

It’s hard, isn’t it? Getting to the bottom of an issue. We all have these defense mechanisms. We start thinking certain thoughts as if by default. Thoughts that have nothing to do with what the real issue is. 

Personally, in personal relationships, my personality goes wacko (you see what I did there? Couldn’t resist. Apologies…). I micromanage. I manipulate. I demand. I provoke. I tease. I do everything but facing the fear that I might get hurt. This can be with the kids I raise, the men I date, the people I work with, or close friendships. 

First, I think I’m doing the right thing. I’m planning. I’m thinking ahead. I’m setting boundaries. I’m enforcing rules. I’m managing. Call it what you like. I’m caught up in solving one problem, or another, using one tactic or another, refusing to face my main fear: that I’m not good enough. That I’ll lose all the people I love, or projects I care about, because I’m not good enough. 

Yesterday (now the day before yesterday), I said something so incredibly stupid to one of the kids I raise I’ve spent 24-hours beating myself up about it. She wanted to stay with her grandmother, like her brother, just coming home here and there when she feels like it. I told her that was not acceptable and she needed to come home to do homework. Of all the idiotic things I could say. Homework. Really? 

I’m worried about her attitude, her friends, that the township has done a number on her, but as my head has been stuck in “if I only had the money to get her out of there…or hadn’t spent all my money on her brother, we wouldn’t have these problems as we’d live a nice life in a nice house and she’d be in a nice school.” In short, had I at least gotten her into a better school, she’d be better off and we wouldn’t have half the problems we now have. 

In my mind, the future scenario of her tanking school and ending up miserable using drugs, played out. The scenario everyone around her have been fretting about. In my head another scenario was playing out as well: the past couple of years of visa problems and issues with her brother and feeling inept as a mother because of it. 

She wants to be loved, not lectured. She has over and over again said she wants to stay with me, but I’m “too strict.” And hearing those words on the phone yesterday I flipped. Fear. Panic. A sense of failure. 

I understand she wants to be with her biological family too. I have never prevented that. She has always been allowed to stay in Hangberg for that reason, but in the past I didn’t like it because of her carer’s adult sons being drug addicts and she never having any rules, resulting in hanging out with the wrong people in the middle of the night. So I enforced rules. 

Staying with her gran is different. There are no crazy drug addicts there. They still live in the thick of gangsters, addicts and thieves, but the house is relatively safe. And as there are so many of them, her brother can’t cause much harm. 

Parenting kids born into a drug den, one of them being on the autism spectrum with severe behavioral problems and aggression, without the financial structure to support it has been hell, frankly. I’ve done everything I can and usually it hasn’t felt like enough. I’ve been stuck in other countries swearing and panicking about losing the children. I’ve awoken at night hearing them scream my name. I’ve cursed the fact that I couldn’t afford enough therapists and special needs schools/better schools. I’ve cursed not having enough money to take them on stunning adventures. I’ve cursed the fact that I have to work twelve hour days to survive instead of spending time with them. I’ve cursed the fact that I couldn’t afford investing five million rand straight away to get a permanent residency. I think I cursed the whole of South Africa in the process. But somewhere along that road I woke up. I decided to take charge of my life and do what I can. And ever since that day it’s been a journey up a mountain instead of falling down a mountain. It’s been hard. It’s been so fucking hard I’ve wanted to kick down walls and sometimes I’ve felt so overwhelmed I didn’t want to live. Not like I wanted to kill myself, I just didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t know how to find the power. But every time I did. And life changed. 

A friend of mine once told me that she looked upon her children and realized they weren’t hers. They belonged to themselves. And that’s what I’ve tried to remember, while also remembering that children, as much as they kick and scream, sometimes shouldn’t get their way. Because what they want isn’t good for them. Being a parent is sometimes not about being loved, but about doing the right thing. 

What this journey has taught me is that you can’t allow circumstance to dictate how you feel. I often get stuck in my head (I mean I’ve been berating myself for twenty-four hours by now — see the post about Your inner dominatrix…), but I’ve learned that if I pay enough attention, I can unstick myself. 

Today I wasn’t feeling happy. So I decided, instead of running around thinking manic thoughts about things to distract myself, or simply feeling miserable, to sit down and ask myself what’s truly going on. This is going on. This and a sinus infection.

Every day is an opportunity to grow. To face our fears. To face our pain. To grow beyond them. 

Still, when I came home yesterday, after writing this, I was sad. I was tired. I felt depleted. The toddler was gorgeous. He wanted to fall asleep on the kitchen sofa, so we were both lying under a blanket there, on one end each, so my toes faced him. He decided to play dog and bite my toes. He was hilarious. And so goddamn cute. And I just felt sad. Because I was worried about his siblings. I felt lonely without them. I was worried about his mother who sometimes thinks she can handle raising children, until she forgets to pick them up at daycare within two days. We’ve been discussing adoption. I’ll be able to soon. Six years late, but still. 

And I’m scared man. I’m fucking petrified of losing the kids. For six years my life has been about finding solutions to get a visa. To find a way to launch my career and be with the kids. Permanent residency. Adoption rights. Movies. Magique. From time to time I’ve also decided to approach topics like men and friends. Sorting out my dating life and social life. And I’ve made every fucking mistake under the sun during this time. If only I’d known back then what I know now. If only…

But I didn’t. And as the post Your inner dominatrix… explains, there’s no point with regret. The best we can do is from now on live as we want to. To honor the people we fucked up along the way by making the mistakes we did. Honoring them by being better people. Honoring ourselves. Making the world a better place by doing better. 

That’s the best we can do. And as I’ve barely had time to breathe in the past six months, maybe I also need to honor the fact that now that things have finally calmed down a bit, I’ll feel the stress. I’ve been sick twice in two weeks. Four times in three months. And throughout it I’ve been pulling 10-12-hour days six days a week. Sometimes I’ve been in the office with a fever. 

The past two weeks I’ve allowed myself to blog. Just that gives me feelings of guilt. Time to process emotions instead of work. I always try to teach the whole world my learnings through this blog. Teach myself. And it’s only when I write that I truly process things. And by writing down my learnings I avoid lecturing everyone in sight. Because people need love and encouragement, not lectures.  

I feel like a big ass failure at the moment, while also feeling like I’ve come a hundred miles since last year this time. But as the story goes, I never stopped fighting because I was bleeding. If there was one thing my father taught me is that you get up, and you go. You keep going. Till you get there.

I’ll go see my kids. I’ll talk to them. I’ll explain. I’ll live. I’ll learn. And the truth is, just because something doesn’t pan out the way you wanted it to, doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. Maybe there’s a better plan. For one, I’m putting resources in place in the township to help the kids. Maybe this will work better. Maybe we will spend time together in a more functional way. And I finally have time to spend time with all the other kids I mentor too, as I’ll spend more time in the township. That’s where my heart is.

Plus, I’m gonna take dance classes again, because the mentor I’ve put in place for the kids is a dance teacher. That alone is worth celebrating. Seriously. There’s nothing much that makes me happier than dancing. I’ll be the fool with a big grin on my face. I’ll be happy.

Happiness is a choice. A damn hard choice. A choice to be the master of your thoughts. To make the most out of what you’ve been given. To let go of guilt and regret. To learn. To move forward. To flow with life. To constantly grow. It’s not always easy, but it sure as hell is worth it.

And remember, you are beautiful. We all are. We just get a little bit lost sometimes.

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

What’s going on in that beautiful mind…

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926736019731/

Leave a comment

Filed under diary, Inspiration, Inspirational, Life, life lessons, Love, Musings, Parenting, Uncategorized

The art of shutting the f*** up!!!

Do you ever hear a voice inside your head giving a running commentary on your life, analyzing things one way, or another? I do. All the time.

I love to analyze things. As the 16 Personalities test stated: “You’re the kind of person who’d love nothing more than spending an evening with a bottle of wine and some friends, debating how to solve the European immigration crisis.”

Funnily, I’d done a lot of thinking around how to solve the European immigration crisis. Not because I’m involved in politics — I always find it more useful to do what you can than spend time debating what the politicians are doing — but because it’s been bogging me. And I’ve been irritated with, well, the politicians’ inaptitude and the public’s attitude. The problem isn’t immigration. The problem is how immigration is handled.

Anyway, before I hand you my opinions and you waste your time thinking about a problem that most likely isn’t yours to solve, my point is that I like solving problems. In fact, I like it so much that I do it constantly.

Usually I’m busy working out a) how things are working b) how things may work in the future c) what to do to improve how things are working/will work in the future d) how to problem shoot any existing problems and potential future problems.

I love this side of myself. It enables me to come up with fantastic concepts. It enables me to come up with plots for movies. It enables me to break down a text and restructure it. It enables me to come up with fifteen different revenue streams for any business. And it obviously means I can solve a lot of problems — any kind of problem presented to me is like giving me a bone that I will chew endlessly, coming up with a wide array of scenarios and solutions.

I enjoy all of this. A lot. But it also means that starting a business with just one income stream is confusing, because I’ve already thought of fifteen and don’t know where to start. Doing anything straightforward is confusing, because in my mind, I’ve already thought of a much bigger and better structure. If I’ve figured out how to build a castle, but I have to start with just the one tower, I become dismayed as it won’t work optimally. All the functions won’t be there.

This is only a problem when my mind doesn’t have perimeters. If I’m told up front to create a tower, then that’s where my focus is. That’s why I liked school: there were set tasks to complete. If I don’t have any perimeters, my mind will build a castle, an adjoining farm and before you know it: a village too!

It’s also a problem because I spend a lot of time in the future, instead of enjoying the moment. Sometimes I come up with so many different scenarios for how something can go, I don’t even test the waters, because one of the scenarios disagreed with me. Or, if I’m in a situation, I’m either coming up with ways to improve things, or planning ahead for what’s next. Just being, without having to know what’s next, or how to make things better, is a rather difficult thing for me. I’m always chasing a better tomorrow. Or coming up with some strategy or another to maintain what I’ve already obtained.

It can also become incredibly self-destructive when you’re constantly seeking betterment if you don’t feel you’re good enough as is. Seeking betterment is great, constnatly upping the bar so you never feel satisfied with yourself, or circumstance, is not.

As with everything in life, there are two sides to it — the yin and the yang; darkness and light; good and evil.

I am writing about this as I’ve been frustrated with my mind for getting tangled up in future scenarios (and freaking out about some of them as I can’t possibly predict whether things will go one way or another and thus wanting to walk away from things, or control them by enforcing structures), trying to fix problems that aren’t mine to fix and being unable to just enjoy the moment. My head is constantly figuring things out, even when things aren’t supposed to be figured out. When you’re just supposed to sit back and enjoy the moment. My mind is so far ahead I can’t get a grip of what I’m currently doing. I also get frustrated with other people if they can’t keep up with the speed of my mind. At other times, I feel embarrassed because I’m too intense (though my best friend claims my creative energy is addictive as you get infused with it…until I overwhelm myself and get lost amongst my projects and crash, that is).

The lesson? As my principal, Sam Kogan, said about the mind: “It takes control over you, until you take control over it.” And in this instance, one of my greatest strengths becomes my biggest weakness if I don’t take control over it.

A two-sided coin. Aren’t we all? But we can all better ourselves…sometimes by not trying to better ourselves…

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926735931666/

2 Comments

Filed under Awareness, diary, Mindfulness, personal growth, Self-help, Spirituality, The Mind, Thoughts

Who are you…?

Who are you?

Are you someone who…gets angry for things? Receives joy from things? Gives love? Receives love? Has inner disputes about what to do? Don’t know what to think about some things? Are very opinionated about some things?

Are you someone who has failed? Succeeded?

Maybe the better question is: who do you want to be? 

You were born free, but life shaped you. You have one voice in your head telling you to live like your mother wanted you to live, one voice telling you to live like your father wanted you to live, one voice telling you to live like your religion wanted you to live, one voice telling you to live like society wanted you to live…there’s one voice for every influence in your life growing up.

You also have the voice of the judge in your head. The one telling you because you once…or several times…did something bad, you deserve to be punished. Deserve to fail. Deserve to be fat. Deserve to suffer. The list goes on.

Then there’s the voice of fuck you. You wanted me to be nice, fuck you. You wanted me to follow a certain religion, fuck you. You didn’t want me to become an artist, fuck you. You wanted me to be good, fuck you. You didn’t think I could make it, fuck you. Sometimes this voice spurs you onto achieving great things (for the wrong reasons), sometimes it spurs you onto destroying your life.

Then there’s the voice of knowledge. Because A, B, C happened in the past when I did something, then something similar will happen now. We collect information that we use to assess situations. Sometimes this is good — you don’t want to get burned on that fire twice — but many times it’s not. Because the past is not the now. The circumstances are different. The people are different. Everything is different.

Because of that voice of knowledge, we forget to actually see the moment. In fact, because of all of those different voices in your head, you make snap decisions and judgements (half which you aren’t even of aware of), that have nothing to do with reality. With the moment.

So what’s the truth? How do you see the truth? How do you live in the present?

Let me ask you this:

You weren’t born that way, were you? With voices in your head telling you who you are and how you should live?

And are you your past? Or is the past just a memory in your mind?

The truth is, you’re just a human. But as a human you have the ability to shape yourself. Even re-shape yourself.

You are an artist creating your own image.

So the question is, who do you want to be?

Do you want to be your past? The voice of those who shaped you? The voice of fuck you? The voice of the judge? The voice of knowledge? Or do you just want to be? Explore?

We all have some sort of essence, of course. And we can learn from our past. We can choose which influences we value. But maybe it’s also time to sit back, breathe and see this moment the way an explorer would when entering the unknown.

Maybe I’m writing this, because in the past week I’ve tried to figure out if I’m good, or bad. I did something I thought I’d never do: I had to make a choice to put some people’s needs above others. I also had to put my own needs above others. And that’s not the kind of person I see myself as. But I had to make that choice, or I’d sink the ship. It’s just, I never thought I’d have to make that choice. And I didn’t like myself doing it, even if it was the right decision to make. And for the past couple of days, I’ve had a judge inside my head weighing the pros and cons. Justifying my choice, punishing myself for my choice…rarely have I stopped and just allowed myself to be.

I’ve been so emotionally stressed out and over worked for the past couple of months I’ve not enjoyed my own company. I haven’t always acted like I wanted to act. When I said that I haven’t always reacted favorably last week, one of my nannies turned around to me and said “But for God’s sake Maria, how much can one person take?”

Every single day almost has felt like a test in choosing to act, instead of react. Like a spiritual challenge. But many days I’ve failed. I have reacted. Fear and anger, helplessness, victim mentality, fury…I think I’ve gone through the whole repetoir a million times. Through a lot of this time I’ve survived thanks to others telling me I’m inspirational. That it’s OK to get stressed. That it’s OK to be human. And I’ve gotten off the floor and tried again the next day. I’m grateful for that. I’m extremely grateful for that.

In short, I’ve felt like I’ve lost myself and found myself over and over again, while also feeling like I still haven’t had enough time to sit down and breathe long enough to actually be with myself.

Part of me writing this was also because I listened to Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Three Questions: How to Discover and Master the Power Within You and re-read the poem The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Who are we? Who do we want to be? And can we be, without needing to have all the answers? Because we don’t.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized