Tag Archives: self-confidence

Beautiful you…

I love flowers

Dare to stick your neck out...into the flower field...

Knock, knock, who’s in there? Will you come out? Will you show me the beautiful you? Will you share your love and laughter with the world today? Hiding in the shadows doesn’t bring much light to your eyes. Walking in the sunshine makes your skin sparkle and your eyes twinkle with delight.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been a master at hiding. Since age nine, or so, I remember walking in roundabout ways to avoid people I thought would rather not see me. I remember locking myself into my room to avoid my step family. I remember looking down when a cute guy passed my path in fear of rejection. I remember feeling like a burden; an unwanted piece of something, that was better off hiding so as not to disturb others.

To this day I sometimes still retract; hide in a corner. Frightened that my company is unwanted; a burden on someone else. I don’t dare to open up and show the beauty that is me. I don’t dare to give.

If you aren’t sharing the light that is truly you. If you aren’t showing off your talents, your smile, your gorgeous, gorgeous laughter, you are doing the world, not to mention yourself, a disfavor.

The world is not here to judge you – the world is here to love you.  The world is not here to put you down – the world is here to enjoy you. The world is not here to punch you in the face – the world is here to fall in love with you. You see though, the tricky thing is for the world to enjoy you, they have to see you. For the world to receive your gifts, you have to give them. For the world to laugh at your jokes, you have to tell them. For the world to hear your stories, you have to share them. For the world to fall in love with you, you have to fall in love with the world.

And if you want for someone else to open, you have to love them open. Like a flower opens to the sun, humans open to love. That doesn’t mean there can’t be boundaries and discipline and telling someone right from wrong, that too is love, but without love all is empty. Without love we all close up. And so, you also have to love yourself open, so that you can see the beautiful you. So that the world gets a chance to enjoy you and you get a chance to enjoy the world.

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The Dalai Lama…

Gendun Drup, 1st Dalai Lama

Image via Wikipedia

“We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.” – Dalai Lama. I think the man has a point (no, really? The Dalai Lama???…) We grow our businesses, we grow our social networks, we grow our bank accounts…but do we grow our affection for friends, family and lovers? Do we sit down to think about how we can build our relationships? How we need to be loved? How we can love more?

“I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.” I have said this before, but when our focus shifts from what people think about us, what we want from them, to what we can give them our own fear of judgment (ego) subsides and we experience the person and relationship in a new light. There is also a lot of fulfillment in the act of giving. I keep wondering: if we were all brought up to save the world, rather than to think about the “perks” we want…our own personal success…what would the world look like? Where would our focus be? On peace, on material wealth for all, on great health, on solutions… Now it’s a lot about Porsches…about “look at what I achieved for me.”

“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” To bear this in mind when we are angry, sad, frustrated, upset…who is it we want to be? Never mind the other person – WHO ARE WE? How do you want to see yourself? How do you act FROM THAT PLACE??? And how do you look after YOUR TEMPLE?

“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” What do you do every day to feel peace and happiness? And how do you change all other emotions to peace and happiness? Do you allow yourself to go off on tangents just because you get an adrenaline/testosterone kick, or do you bring yourself back to peace and happiness asap?

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” What actions do you take on a daily basis that make you happy? Which actions would you love to take?

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” When we blame, when we yell and scream at others…where does it come from?

“Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace.” What small pains, annoyances and disturbances are you ignoring? What little thorns do you need to deal with to make you happy? To make your relationships happy? To make your business/career thrive?

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” I realized this one day when I was thinking of my fear of illness and death (my mom died from cancer in her thirties) – whatever happens I will live through it…so I might as well just be happy in the process! Where you put your focus determines you happiness to a large extent. For example: the other day I got upset about my knee. I can’t really go running that often anymore and as soon as I stand up for days in a row, it goes wonky. So I started despairing, because I wanted to go running and in my head a I saw a scenario of not being able to go jogging for forever. But either I can think of that, or about all the blessings in my life. After all, I can still run. I can still walk. I can still dance!!!!!!!!!! I live a blessed life.

“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others.” “With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” So many times you meet people who want to have many things in life only to prove they are worth something, instead of finding their inherent worth. Whether they need to have a new hottie by their side every day, or win a prize for their abilities…the path becomes about proof of worthiness rather than love.

“To be aware of a single shortcoming within oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. Rather than speaking badly about people and in ways that will produce friction and unrest in their lives, we should practice a purer perception of them, and when we speak of others, speak of their good qualities.” We all need to analyze and understand things at times and we may speak of our process, but one needs to remember that whatever one says it will color other people’s perception of the world. To say you want a happy relationship, or a happy career…I believe you have to understand that first you need to find the love in you, the love for others and the love for the path you now choose to walk.

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Burning daylight…

Have you ever looked at a dying man and realized that it is you? It’s Monday morning and I am dying with every breath. Have you ever looked at a baby and realized that they have their whole life ahead of them, like a clean slate? It’s Monday morning and I have my whole life in front of me. It’s Monday morning, it’s summer holidays and I’m vacuum cleaning my life.

You know all these little ideas that you juggle in your mind that you know you either won’t execute, or won’t execute right now? Or the people you think about that you are sort of attracted to, but that you will never go out with? Or the people who are attractive, but would never go out with you? I have discovered my new golden word: commitment. If I am not committed to something, or someone isn’t committed to me – in the bin, now rather than later. If I am committed: what is it I need to do to make this idea, or relationship work out? What’s the plan? How can I commit to doing that right now?

Do you know the dreams you have, the wishes…that you just aren’t walking towards, or walking fast enough towards because you are avoiding dealing with some fear that’s blocking the way? “I’m too shy, I’m too weak, I’m too stupid, it’s too difficult, I can’t do that, if I do that they will think badly of me, I might get rejected, I might fail” …and the list goes on. I always think that if someone gave a person 24hrs to come up with a solution, or death would be the result, the person would find a way. Compared to death, most fears are very tiny. In the face of death most people get very resourceful. When left to their own devices a lot of people watch TV, because there’s always tomorrow.

When you do something you find out if it works, or if it doesn’t work and that knowledge sets you free, as you no longer have to waste time thinking about it. If you do something you may learn from it, but if you don’t do anything, you for sure won’t learn anything because there will be no feedback. My Buddha Bear told me that it’s all well to have spiritual ideas, but until you interact with life you will not find out whether you truly understood them or not. No action = no feedback.

The funny thing is, a life without fear is freedom and no matter what one fears, it either happens, or it doesn’t – you are going to live through it the undesired way, or the desired way – the only thing you can affect is how you think about it before, during and after. Why fret about it? Fears don’t really matter, unless as warning signals at times that really something isn’t a good idea.

Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without. – Buddha

His success may be great, but be it ever so great the wheel of fortune may turn again and bring him down into the dust. – Buddha

It’s sure as hell comfy to sit on the boat that drifts about aimlessly and never be responsible for anything, because you will never be blamed for anything, but do you ever reach a destination that way? We don’t know if we will reach whatever goal, but so long as we don’t pursue it…what fun is life? I may never reach Tahiti, so if I set sail tomorrow, but imagine what other wonderful places I will see along the way! There are likely to be storms too. That’s what people fear. But there are usually storms no matter what. All you can do is create a space within you that is calm, so if there’s a hurricane outside. And if you let go of your ego you can enjoy the whole journey and not just the achievements. You can’t control life, you can only explore, but so as to be able to explore, you have to move, or your whole life will be a dream that never happened.

Where I’ll end up is anyone’s guess, but where I put my feet down is up to me. What will happen is anyone’s guess, but how I deal with it is up to me. So now I’m off to walk my star-studded road – dance in the sunshine, laugh in the moonlight, love, eat strawberries and cream, swirl through my dreams, jump through the waves and sip in life like it was morning dew to the thirsty.

Jesse: So listen, so here’s the deal. This is what we should do. You should get off the train with me here in Vienna, and come check out the town.

Céline: What?

Jesse: Come on. It’ll be fun. Come on.

Céline: What would we do?

Jesse: Umm, I don’t know. All I know is I have to catch an Austrian Airlines flight tomorrow morning at 9:30, and I don’t really have enough money for a hotel, so I was just going to walk around, and it would be a lot more fun if you came with me. And if I turn out to be some kind of psycho, you know, you just get on the next train.

(Céline smiles, still unsure)

Jesse: Alright, alright. Think of it like this. Um, uh, jump ahead, ten, twenty years, okay, and you’re married. Only your marriage doesn’t have that same energy that it used to have, you know. You start to blame your husband. You start to think about all those guys you’ve met in your life, and what might have happened if you’d picked up with one of them, right? (Céline starts laughing a bit) Well, I’m one of those guys. That’s me, you know. So think of this as time travel, from then, to now, uh, to find out what you’re missing out on. See, what this really could be is a gigantic favor to both you and your future husband, to find out that you’re not missing out on anything. I’m just as big a loser as he is, totally unmotivated, totally boring, and, uh, you made the right choice, and you’re really happy (motions to towards the door).

Céline: (thinks) Let me get my bag.

– Before Sunrise

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Are you single??…

Stress has to be one of the most over used words of this century. Everyone’s stressed. You’re a total loser if you haven’t done xyz by a certain age. It’s like we were born into this plan that other people think we should follow. Whatever happened to living? Playing? Learning?

Whenever I talk to my gran she is asking me if I have “met someone.” She thinks I’m way to old to be single. Whenever I talk to my dad he asks me when I’m going to settle down. Whenever I talk to my sister she reminds me she wants to become an aunt. I personally do not feel like doing any one of these things right now. Well, hang out with the love of my life would be nice, but the rest, no. If I only live once, I’d like to explore life. I’d like to know I am making the most of every second here and right now for me that’s not having babies. Yes, I’ve reached an age where I want to have kids no later than five to seven years from now and I want to take that into account (i.e. maybe it’s a good idea not to spend the next five years partying, shagging every guy I see and wasting all my cash), but to stress about it? Or to think I have to do it now because other people think so? No. If I live for other peoples’ wishes or I get stressed, I’m not really living. I wanna be on an adventure, not a charter trip planned by someone else where I have live within their plans.

The same goes for career: you have to take certain things into account. If you want to be a millionaire by 35 (or whatever), it’s a good idea to nail a stable job if your own projects don’t take off (and just keep doing them on your spare time if you wish), whilst wisely investing as much as you can of the money you make. However, if the millions don’t come your way, no matter how hard you work, what are you going to do about it? Kill yourself? I say it again: we may only have one life – what are the things you want to occupy your mind and days with? (Not to mention nights…)

I have met people who are never satisfied. I used to be one of them. Then one day it dawned on me that all I have is this moment and I want to make the most of that and embrace whatever is in it – be that sorrow, or joy. I truly want to explore it. Learn from it. Then, suddenly, the fear disappears. The have to:s and musts disappear. I don’t have to be a certain person, or achieve a certain thing, I’m just exploring…making the most of things…learning. Doesn’t remove my goals, but it removes my stress to reach them.

I’ve said this before, but here we go again: I don’t know if there is a law of attraction – maybe I’m in charge of my life, maybe I’m not. Common sense tells me that you will only find what you are looking for – the rest will pass you by (and yes, this idea is supported by psychological experiments I’ve heard of). Common sense also tells me that the more you meditate on something, the more your mind is opened up to it and the more you educate yourself on a topic, the more likely you are to understand it. However, I’m not sure if we are in charge of what we are looking for, or if it is our pasts that determine this. Some people really seem to want certain things, but they don’t happen. Is that because they don’t really evaluate their lives and learn from their mistakes? Is that because they are not prepared to go through what it takes to learn? Or is it because they are blinded by their own thoughts and simply can’t find a way out? Sometimes you listen to people and they are like “I dated this person and then this person and they were bad for me because…now I’m dating this person who seems to be like that also, but I will still date them.” Hello??!! What I’m trying to say: do we have free will? Can we become whatever we choose if we are prepared to walk the path that leads us there? Can we even come up with a good idea of where we want to go unless we got inspiration for this in our childhood? Do people fuck up their lives because they are lazy, or because they don’t know how to live any other way? Will there always come a day when we realize we have a choice of how to live? Do we have a choice of how to live?  I don’t know. By the end of the day: whatever happens happens and in my opinion the best you can do is to fully live it. Learn from it. Enjoy it. Stress about it? Isn’t this supposed to be the age of spirituality and…uhh…yoga and martial arts (with hot dudes)?

Why is all this so important to me? I used to want to be super woman. I wanted to be the best at everything. My self-confidence was rock bottom – I was never, ever pleased. I never believed people who praised me, because I was well aware I was not flawless. I didn’t love myself, nor did I understand how others could. Anything that did not go my way I beat myself up – whether I did not show up as I wanted to, or I didn’t nail a certain thing work wise. I worked like a maniac to become the person I wanted to be, achieving the things I wanted to achieve. The sad thing was – I wasn’t having fun – I was a perfectionist obsessed by my own imperfection. Then one day I gave up. I realized I knew nothing. I may never amount to anything. I do have life though and I want to live it. Embrace whatever this is. That somehow gave me more self-confidence than I’ve ever had before. Peoples’ opinions didn’t matter that much anymore. I no longer had to pretend. I just showed up.

I guess what I’m saying is: let’s make love to life, why don’t we???!!!!

How about applying this to life??

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It takes a fool to remain sane…

It never seizes to amaze me walking home to the hills when there is a full moon shining, stars sparkling, the silhouettes of palm trees framing the streets, the smell of blossom in the air and the lights in the hills glistening like diamonds. Beauty never seizes to thrill me and people, nature and life never seize to impress me. A dear friend of mine once said: “I thought people like you only existed in books. You are such a romantic.” And for better or worse I think she was right.

Sometimes I think people will tire of me. Rather often actually. Like soon people will just have had enough of me ranting on about magical meetings, dawn and morning dew, starry nights and how to spice up your life (with whipped cream and chocolate sauce). I want to write something more funny. Something more sexy. Something more…something… In life I have tried hard to pretend not to be a silly romantic. Appearing cute has always made me cringe. I like sharp. Cutting edge. Cool. Someone who doesn’t give a shit. Strong. Independent. Sexy. Anything but an emotional, caring person who gets a silly grin on her face from sunsets and tears in her eyes from happy endings (no, not those kind of happy endings, they stir up rather different emotions). The funny thing is though – people who know me love me for my ability to be 100% ridiculously romantic and not because I can play sarcastic and sexy (although sometimes it gives me plus points, lol).

For years I have felt intimidated by people who are not like me. It frightens me to hang out with people who have a completely different outlook in life, so instead of shining my light and showing them who I truly am, I get frightened and shy and I play arrogant and cool to try to cover it up, with more or less success (if I’m too successful I end up being called a bitch). It’s the same when I date guys who I know have dated women that are worlds apart from me – I panic thinking what the fuck do I have to offer this guy that was last dating Miss Party Queen I Know All There Ever Was To Know About Sex, Drugs And Rock’n’Roll? He can have anyone, so why me? I’m just a silly girl who jumps through puddles in spring and leaf heaps in fall. I might know how to shake my ass and look cool on the dance floor, but I’m someone who’s idea of fun is baking, cuddling up in front of a fire, doing business, directing movies/plays/musicals and painting. I love strutting around in stilettos, but when I come home I will wear clogs and I will dig for worms and go fishing.

Of course, about once a year when I meet someone I like, he is a really cool, laid back guy who would rather swallow cyanide than admit to having emotions (but he is oh so adorable, right…lol). At least I always have something in common with the guys I date…and that’s sort of the point: you get what you give.

Why is it, we think we have to pretend to be exactly like those around us to fit in, when what they like is the difference? Why is it that we are scared of showing who we are, when that’s who we should be flaunting with style? Why is it that being emotional is frightening, when people like it more if you care about them, than if you stick your nose in the air and walk by without so much as looking in their direction? Why is it that we all love to be appreciated, but we hate showing appreciation? Is it fear of rejection? Ridicule? Being the one who cares the most? But if we truly like ourselves, would we really try to become what we think others want us to be (or make a statement about who we are with a big “fuck you if you don’t like it”/arrogance attached), or would we just show up, happy to flaunt who we are and let others enjoy that to the full, should they please?

The most precious gift I can give someone is the real me. It’s the only part of me they can enjoy, because it’s the only true part of me. Everything else is a lie. From now on I am going to start treating people with respect by trusting them enough to show them who I am. If they don’t like that, so be it – I like myself, whether they do or don’t, and at least I gave them my all and not just my pinkie.

“He who does not take insults seriously, is on the path to wisdom.” @paulocoelho 🙂

“If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.” (Epictetus) Tim Ferriss: “Cato, who Seneca believed to be the perfect stoic, practiced this by wearing darker robes than was customary and by wearing no tunic. He expected to be ridiculed and he was, he did this to train himself to only be ashamed of those things that are truly worth being ashamed of. To do anything remotely interesting you need to train yourself to be effective at dealing with, responding to, even enjoying criticism… In fact, I would take the quote a step further and encourage people to actively pursue being thought foolish and stupid.” http://mashable.com/2010/04/29/deal-with-haters-tim-ferriss/

It Takes A Fool

Whatever happened to the funky race?
A generation lost in pace,
-Wasn’t life supposed to be more than this?
In this kiss I’ll change your bore for my bliss
But let go of my hand and it will slip out
in the sand if you don’t give me the chance
to break down the walls of attitude,
I ask nothing of you
not even your gratitude

And if you think I’m corny
then it will not make me sorry
it’s your right to laugh at me
and in turn, that’s my opportunity
to feel brave
Because ridicule is no shame
it’s just a way to eclipse hate
it’s just a way to put my back staright
it’s just a way to remain sane

That it takes a fool to remain sane
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh In this world all covered up in shame

Every morning I would see her getting
off the bus the picture never drops
it’s like a multicoloured snapshot stuck in my brain
it kept me sane for a couple of years
as it drenched my fears
of becoming like the others
who become unhappy mothers
and fathers of unhappy kids
And why is that?
‘Cause they’ve forgotten how to play
or maybe they’re afraid to feel ashamed
to seem strange
to seem insane
to gain weight
to seem gay
– I tell you this:

That it takes a fool to remain sane
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh In this world all covered up in shame
(-Oh, take it to the stage!)

So, take it to the stage in a multicoloured
jacket take it jackpot, crackpot,
strutting like a peacock
nailvarnish Arkansas
shimmy-shammy featherboah crackpot haircut
dye your hair in glowing red and blue,

-Do, Do, Do! What you wanna do, Don´t think twice,
do what you have to do,
Do, Do, Do, Do, let your heart decide
what you have to do that´s all there is to find
Cause it takes a fool to remain sane,
Oh It takes a fool to remain sane
Oh In this world all covered up in shame

– Ola Salo –

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Admiration…

In the drama school where I was trained, you weren’t allowed to have any “gods or idols.” With that they meant that you weren’t allowed to worship anyone or anything without questioning. Our principal came from Russia and had trained at GITIS, where they worked with the Stanislavski system. What our principal came to discover when he left was that Professors on Stanislavski all over the world had very different opinions on what Stanislavski had meant with this or that, but most people, himself included, just worshipped the man and did not question him. However, if no one understood him, how could he be “right”?

Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Mastery Of Love says the same thing. He has 3 rules:

  1. Don’t believe me.
  2. Don’t believe yourself.
  3. Don’t believe anyone else.

So what does he mean? Well, you might have heard that Buddha said something similar and probably every other “guru” there ever was. What I believe they are trying to say is that first of all, just because a person is in a position of authority, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are right.

In Blink Malcolm Gladwell talks about a famous experiment where the subjects were told, by a person with authority, to submit electrical shocks to people when they answered incorrectly to questions posed. People followed suite to the point where the electrical shocks where lethal (what they didn’t know was that it was actors acting out the shocks, not receiving them). (You can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment#The_experiment) Of course it is easy for us all to say that we wouldn’t do that. Again I have to refer to mentalism…the things people can make you do are stunning (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=befugtgikMg). Basically – we listen to some people and not to others, we trust some people and not others, but why we do it isn’t always the right reasons. We simply do so because they behave in a certain way, they put forward their words in a certain way, we have certain things in common with them, or a certain amount of people already believe in them. Not because their message is true.

Secondly, look at your own thoughts. Has it ever happened that you wanted Chocolate Fudge Brownie AND Half Baked ice cream and couldn’t decide which one to buy? Have you ever wanted to date this person AND that person? Have you ever thought this is true BUT that is also true and they are complete opposites? Well, if you had one mother and one father, that’s probably the case. One person said one thing, one said another and you came to believe in both. In most cases you don’t even know where you got the ideas you got from, but you hold them all for being true, even if they are seemingly opposite. For me the only resolution is to meditate, because it feels like I rise above the conflicting issues and look down on them. I am no longer sitting in them. Usually, I realize that none of them are the ultimate truth. I just see that one part of me was formed by certain influences and like one idea and the other part of me that was formed by different influences like  another idea. I’m not sure I can completely disregard these influences, after all, all I am is what I know, but I can do my best to look at life from a perspective of totality rather than engaging in either part(s) of me.

It’s the same thing when you are cheering on the anti-hero of a story. The nice thief. The lovely criminal. And haven’t we all been in love with a lovely criminal at some point or another? The person we know is either morally corrupted or utterly insane, but we still like them? Because a part of them ring true to a part of us and depending on how big that part is, we are more, or less, in love with them.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t admire people for certain talents/skills they have. It’s all very well to seek inspiration, but when we get that slightly glassed stare in our eye and we wax on about something…it’s time to watch out. The person we are talking about has in some way or other made us putty in their hands. And we will focus ONLY on what we like about them, the other things will be swept under the carpet. We are also very unlikely to question what they say and it’s nice to question things even if they are good, because we then find out more about them. A good example is when I went to see Shutter Island a while back. I always say that DiCaprio + Scorsese = Match Made In Heaven. I really, really wanted to say I loved that movie, only I didn’t. There was something lacking in the direction, because I did not see the characters for what they were. Sure you are meant to be tricked by the story, but not by the characters. To me, the hospital workers seemed mean. They weren’t supposed to be mean though.

With the years I have learnt that people are human. Even the (biz)man of all men…Richard Branson. I enjoy looking to people for inspiration. I enjoy learning from people. And I get passionate when I talk about them. However, to believe that they are flawless is a folly. And if anyone has ever talked to someone they really respected and they have looked at you and grimaced in distaste, well…you felt bad, but who should really have been feeling bad? I think the person that just behaved like an ass.

What’s more, when we admire people, we often put them above ourselves. As mentioned – we give over our opinion for them to decide. They say it’s good, we agree. We don’t question because we don’t see ourselves as equals, i.e. their opinion is worth more than ours anyway, so why question them? Yet, as I’ve said in previous posts: we were born into this world as empty bowls. Then we became filled with experiences – life got poured into us. And from those experiences we start forming opinions, beliefs, thoughts…some conscious, other unconscious, and until the day we take charge (if this is possible, I’d like to think so, but for a fact I only know what I have experienced even if I say from now on I want to meditate before I act) the inside of our bowl run our lives. We are only good, bad or great because we were shaped that way. Don’t fool yourself into believing someone else is better than you. They were just shaped differently. Don’t like your shape? Reshape yourself. Just for goodness sake don’t do what I did and beat yourself up if you don’t immediately end up on the page you want to be, because life will continue to happen. You cannot plan what will happen tomorrow. You cannot force opportunities into your life. If you keep seeking, it is likely you will find answers to your questions and if you keep practicing you are bound to become great at what you are practicing, but you might not get to practice as often as you like. You might get sidetracked by events. You might have a bowl filled with things that make it harder for you to learn than it was for x, y and z. The learnings that take you where you need to go might hurt, until you learn to see them differently. And no matter how great you become, you might never get a chance to direct Leonardo Di Caprio (but I sure hope that I will 😉 )

Let me tell you a personal story. When I was 6 my mom died from cancer. The last time she saw me she refused hugging me because she was in severe pain and really high on morphine. My dad told her off for not hugging me though (he was distressed). She died the next day. And she didn’t leave me any notes saying she loved me (she got sick very quickly and died shortly thereafter). Whilst my mom was sick, one day she peed in her pants and told me about it. I started laughing hysterically. Because I was panicking, I was out of my mind. Shortly after her death I was playing with a friend, having a good time and laughing and she told me it was very weird I was laughing, because she would never laugh again if her mom died.

Now, I was six. After all these events took place I believed my mom didn’t love me and I believed I was bad for not loving her enough – my laughing proved this, right?!? Of course I had it all wrong. Looking back I’m like Jesus, why didn’t someone tell me? Because no one knew what was going through my head. But one thing led to another and I slowly just shut down. I went from outgoing to shy, I became bullied and my life became a mess. It’s taken me years to recover my self-confidence. Because obviously the bullying led me to think I was even more shit. And then I hid even more. And people thought I was even stranger. But I was just a kid that got it all wrong.

Nowadays I meet a lot of people that praise me. Others that desperately want to get my knickers off. Some admire me. Yet, I know I’m the same person people told to shut up every time I spoke. The same person people thought “no one could ever fall in love with”. Why have people changed their minds? Because I behave differently. I don’t think I’m unlovable anymore. I’m still me though. And that in and of itself says a lot about admiration.

What’s more about admiration is this: who do you like? Who likes you? Do you all have the same “good” abilities? Usually people like you because you have what they would like to have, or feel comfortable showing off they have. If they dislike you, it’s usually because you display what they are scared to show. To this day I have a hard time hanging out with people others percieve as geeks. because I immediately think I will be called “geek” again and my life will once again become hell on Earth. And God forbid when I have to act a geek in a play or movie….I go into a state of frantic panic. Of course I catch myself, my judgments of others (both my judgment of the geeks and my judgment of the ones I think will judge others for being geeks) and I tell myself to, quite frankly, go fuck myself. It’s just fascinating to see that that’s still in my brain though.

Today when I react unfavorably to something (like geeks), it’s crap, because I know a little bit more today. I can choose a bit more how I react. So yeah, it’s crap when I react unfavorably because I know I’m doing it, or I catch myself some time later. But like every other mofo I was programmed. And sometimes that programming takes over. I’m on autopilot and I behave in ways I rather wouldn’t. I still get terribly shy and think no one likes me at times. Am I bad for that though? Am I bad if I never become as famous as Scorsese for my directing and Branson for my biz ventures? Nah. My bowl was filled with other things than theirs and I wanna enjoy what’s in mine. Once again – I’m here to experience, not to achieve. Not to judge. Just be.

So next time you think someone else is the coolest person on the planet…maybe…think again…

You wanna be a star…

…or a guru…

…or maybe just someone who sniffs out life…I mean, explores life that is…

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