Tag Archives: self help

Beautiful you…

I love flowers

Dare to stick your neck out...into the flower field...

Knock, knock, who’s in there? Will you come out? Will you show me the beautiful you? Will you share your love and laughter with the world today? Hiding in the shadows doesn’t bring much light to your eyes. Walking in the sunshine makes your skin sparkle and your eyes twinkle with delight.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been a master at hiding. Since age nine, or so, I remember walking in roundabout ways to avoid people I thought would rather not see me. I remember locking myself into my room to avoid my step family. I remember looking down when a cute guy passed my path in fear of rejection. I remember feeling like a burden; an unwanted piece of something, that was better off hiding so as not to disturb others.

To this day I sometimes still retract; hide in a corner. Frightened that my company is unwanted; a burden on someone else. I don’t dare to open up and show the beauty that is me. I don’t dare to give.

If you aren’t sharing the light that is truly you. If you aren’t showing off your talents, your smile, your gorgeous, gorgeous laughter, you are doing the world, not to mention yourself, a disfavor.

The world is not here to judge you – the world is here to love you.  The world is not here to put you down – the world is here to enjoy you. The world is not here to punch you in the face – the world is here to fall in love with you. You see though, the tricky thing is for the world to enjoy you, they have to see you. For the world to receive your gifts, you have to give them. For the world to laugh at your jokes, you have to tell them. For the world to hear your stories, you have to share them. For the world to fall in love with you, you have to fall in love with the world.

And if you want for someone else to open, you have to love them open. Like a flower opens to the sun, humans open to love. That doesn’t mean there can’t be boundaries and discipline and telling someone right from wrong, that too is love, but without love all is empty. Without love we all close up. And so, you also have to love yourself open, so that you can see the beautiful you. So that the world gets a chance to enjoy you and you get a chance to enjoy the world.

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The Dalai Lama…

Gendun Drup, 1st Dalai Lama

Image via Wikipedia

“We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.” – Dalai Lama. I think the man has a point (no, really? The Dalai Lama???…) We grow our businesses, we grow our social networks, we grow our bank accounts…but do we grow our affection for friends, family and lovers? Do we sit down to think about how we can build our relationships? How we need to be loved? How we can love more?

“I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.” I have said this before, but when our focus shifts from what people think about us, what we want from them, to what we can give them our own fear of judgment (ego) subsides and we experience the person and relationship in a new light. There is also a lot of fulfillment in the act of giving. I keep wondering: if we were all brought up to save the world, rather than to think about the “perks” we want…our own personal success…what would the world look like? Where would our focus be? On peace, on material wealth for all, on great health, on solutions… Now it’s a lot about Porsches…about “look at what I achieved for me.”

“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” To bear this in mind when we are angry, sad, frustrated, upset…who is it we want to be? Never mind the other person – WHO ARE WE? How do you want to see yourself? How do you act FROM THAT PLACE??? And how do you look after YOUR TEMPLE?

“As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness.” What do you do every day to feel peace and happiness? And how do you change all other emotions to peace and happiness? Do you allow yourself to go off on tangents just because you get an adrenaline/testosterone kick, or do you bring yourself back to peace and happiness asap?

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” What actions do you take on a daily basis that make you happy? Which actions would you love to take?

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” When we blame, when we yell and scream at others…where does it come from?

“Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace.” What small pains, annoyances and disturbances are you ignoring? What little thorns do you need to deal with to make you happy? To make your relationships happy? To make your business/career thrive?

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.” I realized this one day when I was thinking of my fear of illness and death (my mom died from cancer in her thirties) – whatever happens I will live through it…so I might as well just be happy in the process! Where you put your focus determines you happiness to a large extent. For example: the other day I got upset about my knee. I can’t really go running that often anymore and as soon as I stand up for days in a row, it goes wonky. So I started despairing, because I wanted to go running and in my head a I saw a scenario of not being able to go jogging for forever. But either I can think of that, or about all the blessings in my life. After all, I can still run. I can still walk. I can still dance!!!!!!!!!! I live a blessed life.

“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others.” “With realization of one’s own potential and self-confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world.” So many times you meet people who want to have many things in life only to prove they are worth something, instead of finding their inherent worth. Whether they need to have a new hottie by their side every day, or win a prize for their abilities…the path becomes about proof of worthiness rather than love.

“To be aware of a single shortcoming within oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in somebody else. Rather than speaking badly about people and in ways that will produce friction and unrest in their lives, we should practice a purer perception of them, and when we speak of others, speak of their good qualities.” We all need to analyze and understand things at times and we may speak of our process, but one needs to remember that whatever one says it will color other people’s perception of the world. To say you want a happy relationship, or a happy career…I believe you have to understand that first you need to find the love in you, the love for others and the love for the path you now choose to walk.

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When all hell breaks out…murder with sex appeal…

Sex Appeal

Problem solving is sexy...

So you come home, bloody exhausted after a long day, longing to jump into bed and………sleep. After sitting down for five minutes though you manage to swallow down a slice of (raw) cheese and some fruit, put on your warmest clothes and…walk over to the neighbor’s to get the dog out. You are welcomed by wet kisses and paws that go everywhere they aren’t supposed to. Then you are taken for a walk (this dog has a mind of her own – you can try to walk her, but she will walk you. Or sit down on her ass and refuse to move). This time she dragged me along to a tiny little park (or empty lot of land). It was freezing cold (it actually snowed for five minutes that day!!!) and the wind was gently rustling around in the bushes. Looking up at the night sky it was beautifully lit by stars. It was like the perfect romantic moment…until a palm tree started making weird noises (I couldn’t decide whether it was the wind shaking it, or if someone was standing behind it and having a blast watching my face turning paler and paler…I naturally decided that it was the first, but a sense of…practicality, shall we say…made me consider other options…) and I decided we better go home (which I managed to pursue her Majesty to agree to).

To sum it all up – I had a wonderful walk (minus the palm tree, but that is…a minor detail). Mainly because her Majesty had been home alone all day and was super excited to see me, which made me happy. And I got to have imaginary conversations with her and pet her head for an hour. I mean surely, we all know that it helps talking to yourself???… It’s the best ever remedy for solving problems. Especially when a dog listens and clearly understands every single word (not).

My point with all this rambling…I did have one and it wasn’t the palm tree you see…

“Murder me with sex appeal”….no that’s just something I heard on the radio…

So yeah, the point….hold your breaths, please…is that when I walked to get the dog out I didn’t do it for my sake – I was ready to pass out on the couch. I did it for her sake. And as I strotted along with her on this freezing cold night I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Why? Because I wasn’t thinking about my own problems. I was focused on what was making the doggy happy.

Often we get a bit caught up in the general mess of things (a.k.a. our lives). I know what it feels like. I do it all the time. That’s why I like friends and coaches as they will look at things from a different POV (point of view) and suddenly the “problems” have been re-framed into solutions. E.g. “I’m going through a divorce, it’s really hard with the lawyers, all the memories when we first got together, all the crushed dreams…!” ….re-frame… “I am so happy I am finally free to live life on my terms again, having learnt what I did about relationships and now being so much more ready for spending time with myself and finding my ultimate mate.”

I know, I know…it’s very tempting to sit and think about “the good old days” when you were having so much fun with your now ex, or your company was making a million more a year, or your house was ten times bigger… Yet, in this moments lies all the opportunities in the world. And if you have a look around, maybe you will discover that you, at least for a day, can take a break from your problems. How? You can live for someone else for a day. You can set your worries aside and worry for them instead. You can pour all your heart and mind into their lives You can try out what it feels like thinking about something else all day long. Oftentimes I don’t understand how people have the energy to keep up all their problems. And when you look at them from the outside you see how utterly ridiculous they are as well…because often they aren’t real. And even if they are, shouldn’t the question be: what can I do right now to make the most of my life? Not sitting blaming yourself, others and the world. Shit happens. Your attitude is your own.

A lot of my problems in the past have been ego. The need to be perfect. The need for success. So for me to focus on giving, instead of what others think of me is a huge thing. I always want to help others, but often, at least in the back of my mind, I have also worried about other peoples’ opinion of me. And it has, quite frankly, ruined my life. It has taken the joy out of so many things. (This is why I should go to a karaoke night and do a solo number. Then the worry will be gone. Ahem…)

As I see it, there are about four ways to solve a problem:

1) Face the fear so that the fear disappears. Imagine the worst ever that could happen. Imagine living through that with a positive attitude. (There’s a difference between the person dying saying: “I am so thankful for the life I have had. I am so thankful for the experience I was given and for these last few days to truly enjoy my life.” And the person saying: “This is unfair. This shouldn’t be me. There’s no point to life. I’m dying anyway.” I know that’s taking it to the extreme, but when I was facing my own fear of dying, I had to do just that.)

2) Re-frame it: From problem to opportunity.

3) Solve the problem. Some problems have to be solved. Ask for help if you need it. Don’t be ashamed you have a problem. We all have problems.

4) Leave it. We all want success in a ton of different ways. Yet, success may not be what we think it is. May not make us smile, laugh and love life. Instead of wanting to become a multi-millionaire…go volunteer at the local hospital, help a friend, donate your energy to giving… Invest your time in other peoples’ problems. Maybe you will discover yours don’t exist and maybe, just maybe you will find a new meaning to life.

5) (P.S. Remember: love is all there is.)

So ya know. Next problem that comes along: murder it with sex appeal. No one can resist you when you turn it on. When those long lashes of yours come this way…and that heart of yours is turned on…who can resist love? True heartfelt love? Not I… So turn it on and turn it up. I’m gonna go hide behind the couch before you drop by here….ah right, you don’t have my address anyway, so maybe I’ll be safe for another day???…

 

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I fucked up…so screw me, or what???…

Lotta vs ice-cream

Lick that ice cream in style, eh?!!

I’m sorry to tell you, but you have fucked up. Srsly. You have. I’m certain of it. ‘Cuz I don’t know anyone who hasn’t. Branson almost ended up in jail…and Virgin is the most trusted brand in the UK today. Why? I think because he accepted that what he did was wrong, put it behind him and cracked on. It’s the people who keep blaming themselves for yesterday that get stuck. Or the ones that try to justify their failure. Sure, figure out WHY it happened. Don’t do it again. But don’t stand there telling me it was OK to do it. It wasn’t. It’s OK that you did it though. It’s OK. Take the blame. Leave it in the past. And go onto never doing it again. Don’t hold onto it and punish yourself every time you think about it. Don Miguel Ruiz says that humans have a weird idea of punishment – we don’t just punish ourselves once, we do it every time we think about something we didn’t enjoy. The experience itself wasn’t enough, we constantly revisit it in our minds and hearts. That my dears, is no goody goody. I for one am thankful Branson got his act together and his ass out of jail and went onto creating my favorite airline.

Forget about the time you dived into the ocean to impress a six pack and landed on your ass screaming in pain…no it wasn’t because of a banana peel under your foot…get a lesson in how to do it right and get on with it (make sure the instructor is good looking – after all he will be looking at your ass from several different angles as you practice). Learn it. Get good at it. Or drop the idea of diving and simply trot along the beach walk looking fab licking…an ice cream. Move forward in style. Kick some ass peeps. Let’s rock February together!!!!! :0)

Can’t get enough of this song!!!!!!! So true…

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I want to have sex with Tim Ferriss…

Timothy Ferriss (The 4-hour Workweek) @ etech

Tim Ferriss...

You know who I am talking about right? The man behind The 4-Hour Work Week and The 4-Hour Body. The guy’s a genius (or else the man…or woman…hiding in the bushes writing his books is) – he invented a system for working 4 hrs a week and living like a king. He also became a world champion in wrestling and speaks God knows how many languages. Maybe that’s not all that hard (right…), but he has a knack for saying things I agree with and that classifies him as a genius. Naturally.

I came across The 4-Hour Body today and it’s basically all about how to get the best body, which apparently includes sex. I didn’t have a chance to read the whole book yet, but will do as soon as possible. I did read part of the sex chapter though (what else?). Apparently female orgasms start with…well, the female. The male stimulation is only part of the equation and there are certain tricks of the trade that Mr Ferriss shares (boys, it’s time to run to the store and pick up a copy…just saying). It all starts with self-exploration. You have to know you and you have to own your own orgasm, just as you have to own everything else in your life. It all starts with you. Your life is about you.

Too many times a day I switch to auto pilot – I do and say things that aren’t necessarily serving me, but that I’m used to doing and saying. Inside my head, round and round goes the same old small talk that REALLY isn’t helping me. The worst part is that for most of it I’m not even aware of it. I’m so used to myself I don’t even notice myself. And in some ways I have “settled.” I may not be doing my best with something, or expanding my field of vision, but rather be alright with what I already have. The sex is good, so I’m sort of satisfied, right?! But what if it could be GREAT??!! What are the questions I’m not asking myself? Even if I am asking myself a lot of questions, what are the areas I’m not asking questions about? What are the imaginary limits of my mind?

I like Tim Ferriss because he questions things and he seeks to get the best results out of what he does. He does not settle for less. He isn’t run by an auto pilot (or, if so, it’s on a good setting!) and nor should you be. Start paying attention to yourself. Start getting to know who you are and what you want. Start expanding your horizon. Start finding out what the best solutions are. What have the people that are happiest in the area of life you want to get results in managed to achieve and how did they do it? Check out life from a different perspective. Try being silent for a day, or going to a new place to get a different point of view.

When Mr Ferriss wrote the chapter on sex he did extensive research. He even found a woman to volunteer to try out the new techniques he had studied on how to make women come. How cool is that? “Hey darling, I just figured out the ultimate technique for giving a woman pleasure, mind if I try it on you?” What a man.

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A bloody, I mean…blooming pink elephant on Sunset Blvd…

Pink Elephant??

Pink, pink, pink...

So you walk down the street and you see this pink elephant and exclaim: “OMG, it’s a pink elephant!! How bizarre…and wonderfully weird!! Gotta check this one out!” Then you proceed, curiously, to examine the pink elephant. Is it friendly? Could you approach it? Pet it? Is there any way of making it stay calm in the middle of the traffic chaos? Can you help feed it? Does it need to be taken back to nature? You really feel for this gorgeous creature that’s walking down Sunset Boulevard…you feel for it as you know what it’s like being lost. You have something in common with the pink elephant…

You could also say “WTF, a pink bloody elephant in the middle of Sunset Boulevard? Hello, I need to get to work! Can someone call the idiot producer that somehow got an elephant and painted it pink for some silly movie? Even better call the f***ing police and arrest both the elephant and the damn producer!” You don’t really see the elephant. You only see the issues it’s creating for you.

I haven’t met any pink elephants lately (but we do have a very curious goat in our back yard). I have, however, met a bunch of people that act like everyone is a pink elephant.

You have a choice really. You can explore people – seek them out, get to the depth of their being and know that there is depth to their being. You can find the common denominators that make you tick, you can embrace them for the good qualities they have and raise them to an even higher level by believing they have the power to accomplish even more.

OR

You can degrade people. You can look for the things that won’t click between you. You can search for flaws in them to feel better than them. You can see why they are trouble, instead of how they can solve their trouble.

There’s a clear difference between people who seek to explore others and know what each and every person is capable of deep within and those that see people as tools for their own life and judge them thereafter. I think most of us are a combination of these people. Of course you will always check a person out – find out how they are currently operating. And sometimes, no matter how capable we all are deep within, we can’t entertain certain people in our life. I would like to see people as I would a gorgeous pink elephant though. I would like to feel for them. I would like to always keep in mind the strength that lie within them.

In a very similar way I’d like to view myself as a gorgeous pink elephant. Maybe with flowers painted on top. Flower power baby, share the loooooove….

 

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Impossible is nothing…

Yes, that’s an adidas slogan, I know. My dad used to tell me that if you really want to you can eat a brick. He also taught me that asking for money from the state, unless you really need to, isn’t a good idea. He said that if you truly want a job, you will get one, so if it’s mopping the floor in your local grocery store. Then he’d proceed to a lecture about the work attitude in Sweden compared to the one in China. In Sweden it’s quite possible to be paid for being unemployed because you can’t find work that you want you get paid for your unemployment (although it’s gotten harder in recent years). In China you don’t get paid to be at home because there is no work that you want, so you just take what’s available. He also taught me that you should go for it – aim for the top of the mountain and that there are no excuses why not to get there. Second place is no place.

Everyone I talked to in London when I got here, pretty much, told me that getting a job now is close to impossible. In less than a week I have been offered two jobs and have interviews for four other today and let me tell you, I didn’t hand out more than 40 odd CVs (that’s resumes for you Americans =). I don’t know if I am being lucky, if I happen to have what they are looking for, or if getting work in London isn’t too hard after all. Not if you go for what you think is available. Have I been paid a lot more before? Yes. Am I going to sulk about it? No. Would I rather make a gazillion dollars from my own biz? Yes. Is that going to happen right this instant? No.

It’s so easy to get stagnant – if I am not going to the top of Everest, I will not move. Well, sometimes we have to walk up Kilimanjaro first. It may not be Everest, but it’s a mountain nonetheless and to have gotten to the top of one mountain is a hell of a lot better than sitting at the bottom of another. Sometimes you may even find that the view from that mountain is preferable. If nothing else, it will prepare you for the climb to the higher mountain.

I, for one, have wanted to get to the top of Everest when it comes to work and I have refused Kilimanjaro. I never learnt how to think small – I get an idea for a company and before counting to ten, I have developed the company, come up with five other great services to offer and turned it into a conglomerate. Great ideas. Absolutely impossible to get to unless you have dough.

I’m a Leo. They say we sneer at things we think are below us, but as a wise man said a couple of thousand of years ago: it’s the server that will enter the Kingdom, not the one asking for services.

Learning to be humble is an art. Learning to learn from whatever is on your plate and not wanting to have the most incredible thing ever to start off with, is an art. Think about it: you sit there praying, meditating and dreaming of the day you will be acting against Leo Di Caprio (mmmmmm). You are offered great parts in smaller movies by friends, but you refuse as you have a good Agent and you want to be available if a Di Caprio movie (or similar) comes along. Who says that the smaller movies wouldn’t have gotten you to the bigger one? Who says you wouldn’t learn what you needed to learn to get the better part? Who says that the little indie can’t become a blockbuster? Who says that meeting a young Director today won’t give you a part in a multi-million dollar production five years from now, when the Director has gotten established? Who says that going for gold won’t bring you diamonds in the end? For sure if you are going for nothing, you are a lot less likely to get diamonds in the end.

Speaking of going for the top of a mountain – isn’t it funny how we live our whole life as a judgment? If you got a step up the mountain today, you feel good. If someone pushed you a step down, or you fell, you feel bad. If you go out with someone you judge how well you did at the date. If you fail in any respect, or things just aren’t going your way it’s bad. It hurts. Because then we feel imperfect, so we feel unworthy of our own love. Only when life happens to take us up Everest do we feel good about ourselves. When we think life is showing us how perfect we are, we feel good. No one is better or worse than you, people have just been raised differently and therefore make different decisions in their lives.

My best friend, not so jokingly said to another friend the other week: “No, she will succeed, because she will kill herself if she doesn’t. So she will succeed alright.” I almost choked on my hot chocolate. Since last fall, when I met someone who wanted to kill themselves unless they succeeded, my grandest work on myself has been to live for what is, not for what I want to be. Apparently I haven’t succeeded all that well (see, I’m failing. Horrors! Bring on the punishment – three days in the torture chamber for dizzy blonde…NOT).

How many football players do you think, during the world cup, were, inside their minds alternating: “I did that well *I’m happy* I screwed that up *I’m bad*” every two or three minutes and had mood swings thereafter? And how many did just have a blast playing a game they love to play? You can still evaluate, but just imagine having fun all the time, how awesome wouldn’t that be?

My best friend may or may not become famous. She may or may not become rich. She may or may not marry her Prince. She may or may not stay beautiful till the day she’s a hundred and two. Will I like her less or more because of this? No. I love her just the way she is. Would I love myself more or less if I achieved the above though? Yeah, probably. Would I be jealous of her if she achieved more than me? Yeah, probably. Not because I wouldn’t want her to have that, but because I’d judge myself in comparison. It’s hard to love others when you aren’t loving yourself. I don’t want that to be the case though, so I’m trying to stop being a judge and start being a lover. I want to enjoy myself every day, I want to enjoy life every day, not waste time feeling miserable and hurt if I’m not on top of everything. Especially as no matter how high I go, I can probably go higher, so I will forever judge myself. Judgment doesn’t stop just because you reach a benchmark – it stays with you for life unless you become a lover.

If I think about one day having a man in my life and kids, I get ashamed, because I know I will treat them as I treat myself to some extent and I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t want to be jealous of them if they achieved more than me and I wouldn’t want to judge them and their lives as I judge myself. I want them to be happy. I want them to feel like a million dollars every single day of their lives. So shouldn’t I want that for myself? There’s nothing stopping me really, I can just shove the judge out the door and start loving myself right now. I can make love to life every single second of every single day. It seems tricky, but after all, if there is one thing that I know well, it’s that impossible is nothing.

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