Tag Archives: spirituality

I see your halo…

I always think there’s a sacred space between two people — it’s your unique connection. It exists nowhere else in the world; only between the two of you. It’s really unique.

But the connection between two people only stays sacred if you treat it as such. Yes, you may be uniquely connected — have things in common, fire up different sides of each other’s personalities, talk about things you don’t talk about with others, understand each other on different levels (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, intellectually) and so forth. But this is just the baseline. This is the connection. It’s not the relationship.

The relationship is how you treat one another. Do you show up for one another? Speak kindly about one another? Take care of one another? Make good on promises to one another? Hold a space of love for one another? Hold each other accountable for being the best you can be?

In short, are you committed to treating one another as sacred creatures?

The truth is, most of us weren’t raised to treat other people as sacred. We weren’t even raised to treat ourselves as sacred.

I’ve interacted with a lot of religious people who, presumable, see life as a gift from God. Yet, they don’t treat their body as sacred. They don’t treat their friends as sacred. They don’t treat strangers as sacred. They don’t even treat their life as sacred.

And while most of us try to do right by ourselves and others, we all fail at some point. Our learned behavior wrecks havoc in various areas of our lives. We don’t even understand how some areas of our life will ever work out, because they never have before.

Sometimes, we’re so far away from treating ourselves and others as sacred, we feel like giving up. We think we’ve lost the battle and might as well succumb to our sins towards self and others. But each day holds a new morning. What you did yesterday is not as important as what you do today. And if you start a new life today, even with baby steps, imagine where you’ll be ten years from now. Also imagine where you will be ten years from now if you don’t start with those baby steps.

So honor yourself by treating yourself right. And honor others by doing the same to them. Because each connection is unique. Each person is a unique experience.

It’s important to remember though, that beautiful connections is only half of what makes up beautiful relationships. Beautiful relationships can only be created when two people see each other as sacred and treat each other accordingly. That’s why there’s a big difference between attraction and love; passing connections and deep friendships.

You can always honor another soul, but you can’t always have a beautiful relationship with them. All you can do, is ensure your side of the equation remains sacred by honoring them and that, no matter how they view or treat you, your view of yoruself remain sacred. And by viewing yoruself as sacred, you also know when it’s time to walk away — be it from a toxic work relationship, or friendship.

I’ve been thinking a lot about perspective recently. About how our focus creates our reality. And I really believe that looking upon yourself, others and life as sacred makes for a much more beautiful reality. Because then your purpose becomes to live a sacred life; one in which you respect yourself and the world around you. One in which you seek to uplift yourself and others. One in which you take actions that honor yourself, others and life at large.

Sacred dizzy blonde, over and out.

P.S. Yes, I stole the headline. I didn’t say I was a saint, just that I’m sacred… I see your halo, halo, halo…

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An orgasmic experience…

No, I’m not talking about OM meditation. Though some of my friends in San Fran swear by it.

Nor am I talking about tantra, though I have attended workshops.

I’m not even talking about sex at all. I’m talking about you. Yes, YOU.

I love mornings. As the sun rises, I can feel the life force beating within me. The raw force of being alive. The hunger to live. Or, at the very least: the longing for a cup of coffee. 

I have desires awakening within me and it feels good.

There have been times when I haven’t had that. When I’ve needed a soak in an ice cold bathtub to even be able to feel my own soul. But the soul doesn’t die. It just goes to sleep sometimes. 

Anyway, I see mornings as a new beginning. A clean slate. A chance to start over. 

And this morning there were some particularly beautiful clouds in the sky and I was feeling excited about the day ahead. About life. About new beginnings. 

And what hit me is that new beginnings mean forgiving ourselves. To truly let go of our past. 

You are not your yesterday. Simply, because it’s not yesterday anymore. Today is a new day. So you can be whoever you like. 

Sure, you may have scars. Bleeding wounds, even. Some of us have no job, weigh fifteen pounds too much, have a horrible relationship, are a million dollars in debt, are complete sugar addicts, or some other such nuisance we have to deal with. Beause we do have have to deal with it, but we don’t have to be stuck with it. Bury ourselves in it. It can become the past too, if only we let it.

Look upon it this way: you can think about yourself as an unfit loser who prior to today hasn’t exercised in ten years, or you can think about yourself as someone who is now exercising. The two will bring about very different feelings and, therefore, very different actions. 

Most people make their problems, perceived flaws, past mistakes, and supposed undesirable sides, their main focus. Then they freak out and do something to try to resolve the tension they feel. Like downing a bottle of wine, exercising for ten hours straight, eating a cake, binge watching Netflix, or burying themselves in work. Which only creates more problems. So when you shift your focus to think about something else — something other than your problems or flaws — your life changes. Because you stop doing the stupid shit you’re doing to mentally have a break from your problems.

Face the problem/pain. Because you have to. Then move past it. Refocus your attention.

So, even if you haven’t exercised for ten years and are fifteen pounds overweight, think about yourself as someone who exercises. Even if it’s just walking around the block. Congratulate yourself on that. What you did the past ten years doesn’t matter. What you’re doing right now, which is walking around the block, is what matters. Soon, as someone who exercises, you’ll naturally walk two blocks. This will make you feel better, so you’ll start doing small sprints. Then you’ll…

You’re free you know. Free not to think about your past. Free to create your future. Free to do whatever the hell you like. So choose to do something that serves you. Something that fuels you. Something that lifts your spirits. It may take a while for you to really feel it. No one feels great when exercising for the first time in ten years. Nor does saving a dime when you owe a million feel like much. Most likely: you don’t feel it. May take three weeks to notice a difference in your state of mind after chaning your habits. But sure as hell you’ll notice. You’ll move forward. You’ll feel better. 

And remember: it’s not about an overnight overhaul. You don’t have to stop eating sugar entirely. You can just make sure you have one cake instead of two. Or eat a salad before the cake. Or go for a run before eating the cake. Set little goals. Tiny ones. If you can’t handle the big stuff, and most people can’t over night, do the little stuff. Don’t think about it as climbing Kilimanjaro. Think about it as stepping stones.

Can’t master that? Can’t save a dime a day, or go for a run before having cake? Then do something else that you CAN do. Smile at someone. Hug someone. Donate a dollar to a worthy cause. Plant a tree. Smile at the shy girl. (As someone who used to be shy I can tell you now that a smile…it can be life transforming. That’s the power you have.) Join a charity. Do an act of kindness.

Because, you see, the more you do worthy things, the more worthy you feel. The worthier you feel, the easier it will be to forgive your past and present woes and allow yourself to do the things that make you happy in the present. Because suddenly, you feel like you deserve them. And by doing them, you become an even better person.

Really, the solution for an orgasmic life is love. Because if you love yourself you automatically do things to create what you love and give love to others. Your life’s pleasure level will be on top. But most of us don’t love ourselves inside and out, so it helps with, you know giving a flower to a homeless person, even if you don’t feel like it. Because even if you messed everything else up that day, at least you know you did something good. And it’s that one good thing you need to hold onto.

So even if you don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning for your own sake, do it for someone else. Do it for something beyond you. Something bigger than you. Failing that, hire someone to kick you out of bed every morning. Create a structure you can’t get out of.

Life is about two things: your thoughts and your habits; your structure. If you change your thoughts, you change your structure. If you change your structure, you change your thoughts. And if you change either, you change your life.

You’re free. Today is a new day. A clean slate. An orgasmic opportunity. So look upon yourself as a present opportunity, not a past mistake. Look upon yourself as someone who has the power to transform lives. If so, only with a smile. And I can tell you right now, that while a smile to a stranger may change their lives, or at the very least: make their day better, a smile to someone who loves you means the world to them.

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When it rains…get naked already…

Do you have faith? Faith in a higher power? Or faith that everything will be OK?

Having faith is part of having focus. When you have faith things will turn out well, you keep your eyes on the progress you’re making and the end destination, instead of getting caught up in the obstacles. 

I had a hissy fit about one area of my life this week. So I decided it was time for some faith and focus. 

Think of it as a journey: when you have faith you’ll reach your destination, you’re relaxed. And when relaxed, even though there are problems along the way, solutions naturally present themselves to you, because your eyes are open to them. 

Let’s take the example of walking the Camino de Santiago (I’d really like to do that). It’s a pilgrimage. And most who set out on it have faith they will learn things along the way, even though they don’t know what. They have faith that spiritual opportunities will present themselves and that they’ll reach their end destination. 

Now, if you set out walking with less faith, you may get worried when it starts to rain already on day two. You know day three will be a write-off as a full blown storm is coming. And you have limited time to reach your destination as you need to get back to work! You only have two weeks off. 

The stress of not knowing if you’ll reach your destination makes you uncomfortable. So after a day of feeling miserable sitting in your hotel room during the storm, you decide to go to a bar and get pissed to resolve your discomfort. 

It’s not just pissing down, you’re pissed too. 

The next day you’re not feeling well, because you got pissed. It pisses you off. To make up for the delay, you still decide to keep a faster pace. In fact, you decide to run for part of that day. Only you’re pissed off and therefore not in the right mental space, so you trip and fall. 

Now, you haven’t just been delayed for a day by rain, you have an injured ankle too. At this pace, you’ll never reach your destination. 

“Look,” you say, “life is against me.” But is life against you, or does it rain in all our lives? The point isn’t if it rains or not, but how we handle the rain.  

If you accept rain as part of the journey and spend the rainy day relaxing and rejuvenating yourself — doing yoga to relieve the tension in your legs (or, you know, dancing naked in the rain enjoying your inner hedonist while reconnecting with nature) — you wake up the next day wide awake and ready for adventure. As you’ve relaxed, you naturally walk faster and make up for the time lost. 

This journey can be applied to most of our goals in life: they don’t happen over night. They’re journeys. And along those journeys it rains. Sometimes it even thunders. We either deal with that, or we try to resolve the tension and end up in a mess that derails us further. 

Of course, there are healthier ways of resolving tension too: instead of getting piss drunk, you can relax in a bath and eat a slab of chocolate or exercise till you topple over. Maybe you’re still running from your worry that things won’t go well, but at least you aren’t on a self-sabotage train from hell.

The thing is, at one point or another, we all freak out and mess up. Maybe so bad we don’t see a way out anymore. Most likely, you’re sitting thinking about what a mess you are from sunrise to sundown. That means you can’t see a way out. But there is a way out. If you only have faith and focus on what’s working and where you’re going. 

So you’re in a hospital bed with an injured ankle, you can either write off the vacation (hey, you’ve already burned three days feeling miserable, why not spend the reminder of your life…I mean vacation miserable?), or you can say: “It’s clear I can’t walk all of the Camino de Santiago right now, but I can rest for three days while enjoying this village and then walk a small part of the journey and enjoy that.” 

During the coming months, you can go for hikes in nature and seek spiritual experiences there, then return to the Camino for your next vacation. You may end up with a higher level of fitness and deeper connection to spirit than you’d have done if you’d just done the Camino straight away. The importance isn’t how you get there, but getting there. Once you have a destination (fitness + spirituality) the path will reveal itself.  

Sometimes it’s not something new we are exploring, but something old we want to change. Personally, I want to change some patterns of mine that aren’t serving me. But I won’t do that by focusing on the patterns, but focusing on the destination and having faith.

If you are 20 kg overweight and haven’t exercised for ten years, you can either have a cake because you feel so stupid you can’t run a mile, or decide to go on a walk around the block as you can manage that. Don’t panic about where you are, or how you’re incapable of doing what you’d love to do (such as running a mile), just define what you want (health + fitness) and start moving towards that. Step-by-step. You don’t have to go from zero to hero, just take steps you can handle. You’ll get there. 

Everything can change in the matter of a minute, if you only let it. If you only decide where you’re going and have faith you’ll get there. Forget about the past fuckups. Forget about the how’s. Just decide you’re going. 

Faith. 

Focus. 

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926736173726/?nic=1

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Wandering thoughts on naked bodies…

i’d like to wander

all over you

hands caught in your hair

fingers stroking your chest

lips touching yours

skin to skin

in a wonderful dance

of pure lust

and soul connection

Isn’t that what we do? We deep dive into a person’s soul, while touching their body? We wander all over them and in them. We seek. Explore. Find out.

It’s beautiful. Really.

The problem is that most people aren’t living the beauty of their soul, but the mess of their thoughts. And they’re creating havoc. But you don’t see that. You see their soul — glorious and alive. Beautiful. A mesmerizing light. Pure. Stunning.

I found this quote today. “Stop wondering. Start wandering.”

It’s true.

How many times have you found yourself wondering what life would truly be like if only? If only you called that friend, asked that man/woman out, explored that path…did something different?

I believe we’re the happiest when we give up on expecting people and life to give us things and start exploring them instead. When we truly know we don’t know what will happen next. When our own life turns into a journey of discovery as we are no longer afraid of our own thoughts, what other people will think, or what life will serve up. We accept that we don’t know. We have no expectations on the outcome beyond exploring the moment to the full. We go beyond our ego and into the present. We are wandering instead of wondering.

It may be a difficult quest, but it’s a worthy one. Because with each step you’ll feel better.

I used to be scared of my own thoughts. Used to fear the bad ones. But when I get curious and look at them instead of running from them, they stop hurting. Because I know they are not me. They’re just a thought I’m having.

I used to be scared of what other people thought of me, but when I start seeing people as interesting creatures creating their own form of reality based on their thoughts, I stop being afraid. When I stop needing them to treat me nicely, or loving me, I no longer fear them. I just see them for what they are: humans.

I used to be scared of not achieving my goals, but when I started thinking about life as a series of moments I’m creating, as opposed to a series of goals I need to achieve, I started living instead of constantly beating myself up, or planning to live “one day.”

That doesn’t mean I don’t want certain things; don’t have certain goals. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be loved, or don’t want to think happy thoughts. It simply means I don’t let my own expectations get in the way of leading a happy life.

I believe we are all fierce explorers when we are happy. That we go out there and explore ourselves, others and the world. That we are curious instead of frightened. Excited instead of afraid. Courageous instead of petrified.

That doesn’t mean we don’t have fear. Of course we do. We still have thoughts, after all. But we see beyond the fear. See that it is nothing but make-believe. Nothing but a thought in our mind. A thought we can move beyond. Because the thought is not who we are. Our soul is who we are.

Because you see beyond your fear, you give it all you’ve got, instead of a percentage of your being. You jump head-first into the waves as opposed ot just getting your toes wet. You love wildly. You pursue your dreams fiercly. Because you’re happy. Even if every person, or destination, doesn’t give you what you want, or you fuck up badly. That’s just life. Getting caught thinking about it is destruction. Focus creates reality. Focus on what’s working, where you’re going and what you’d love to experience.

Don’t wonder what it would be like. Explore it. Deep dive into it. Yes, you’ll walk on thorns. Don’t fear them. Don’t avoid them. Walk past them. Because on the other side are the roses.

Be a wanderer, not a wonderer.

Image Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/507780926736160728/?nic=1

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I saved a life today…

I saved a life today. It was maybe not the way you’d imagine a person saving a life. It wasn’t an act of great glory with pompous trumpets playing in the background.

No, as I was walking from the V&A along the multitude of docks, I saw a crab. On the ground. How he/she got there I don’t know. The docks are far up and she/he was far from the dock. Anyway, I used to fish for crabs as a kid, so I know how to hold a crab without getting pinched. Hence, I lifted it and carried it back to the water. 

The crab isn’t going to send me a thank you note. Nor is it going to become my friend and check in on how I’m doing from time to time. Make sure I’m alright. It’s not going to lighten up my evenings with great conversation and moonlit walks. Nor is it going to send me gifts, or pat me on the shoulder when I’m crying. No, the crab isn’t going to give me a thing. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately: how to remove your ego from the equation. How to be of service without expecting something in return. 

A friend of mine, this weekend, was telling me about a friend of hers who just won’t show up for coffees. This friend has a history of alcoholism and depression (the two tend to go together). My friend is aware that nothing stands between addicts and their next fix. And we got talking about this and I told her it’s basically an opportunity to give up on your own ego when being friends with someone like that.

Imagine an athlete being in a car accident. Let’s say a female runner who loses her legs. Her whole life she’s taken great pride in her body. Her looks. Her physicality. And her main achievement has been her running career. 

She loses her legs and is put in a wheelchair. Not only has she lost her career, she’s also lost the body she was so proud of. She has no purpose anymore, as she can’t run. Things that used to seem important, like friends, being out in nature and experiencing things like travel and performances, no longer seem to not matter. She feels like her soul, not her legs, has been removed. 

She’s given painkillers and an option to have therapy. She takes the painkillers but doesn’t see the point in therapy. After all, has the therapist lost their legs? Is the therapist a celebrated athlete? No. So why talk to them? They wouldn’t understand her. 

People tell her she can restructure her life. Become an athlete in a wheelchair. She thinks they’re stupid. She was famous for her lower body strength, not her upper body strength. She’d be a lousy wheelchair athlete. Besides, she loved to run. She doesn’t love basketball, or whatever. 

The woman doesn’t feel much joy anymore. Sure she laughs at Trevor Noah and smiles when a child is smiling, but at the same time she feels pain. Because they seem to have something she doesn’t: happiness. 

You’re this woman’s friend. You call her one day and suggest you come by for coffee, she says sure. As you speak to her you realize you’ve missed her. Missed your friend. You also realize she’s sad. So you decide to make an effort. An effort to show up for her. 

In the coming weeks you call your friend, text her, and try to meet up with her. While she answers your calls and texts, she often cancels coffees and never asks you to come for coffee. She doesn’t have a will to do anything, so it doesn’t occur to her to do so. She’s disgusted by her own body, because it doesn’t do what it used to. Disgusted by her own habits that seem so foreign to an athlete — now she’s just sitting on her ass. She’s lost respect for herself. 

For an athlete, being unfit and sitting in a wheelchair feels so far away from who they want to be, she may as well just give up. Death would be a pleasant alternative to thinking about who she has become. Yet, she can’t stop thinking about who she has become. How she doesn’t know what to do, or how she doesn’t feel any joy anymore. It’s too painful thinking about how much she’d need to do to become the person she’d like to be that she’d rather not — she just takes another painkiller, or watches another movie to try to forget. Because if she decides to take action, decides to do something about the situation, she needs to face the fact that she’s an athlete without legs, who’s unfit and desperately confused and unhappy as she has no purpose anymore. She’d need to face the gap between where she is and where she’d want to be and the long journey of getting there.

You keep showing up for your friend and sometimes you get a smile, but you know your friend still isn’t really present with you. If your ego gets involved, you’re going to get angry with your friend. You’re going to expect them to get happy, because you’re trying so damn hard to make them happy. You’re going to want them to make you feel good, by feeling good. You’re going to expect them to ask you how you’re doing and actually want an answer. You’re going to expect them to ask you round for coffee. You’re going to expect them to be there when you’re feeling down and need a hug, or an encouraging word. You’re going to expect them to care. But they can’t. Because they don’t feel anything, or they feel too much like shit. Imagine feeling nauseous and puking — it’s not like you’ll pick up the phone and call someone telling them you love them in that moment.

The thing with depression though, is that you have to pick up the phone and call someone and tell them they’re amazing, even if you’re on the ground feeling like puking. You need to make the other person more important than your nausea. You need to make being a decent person, or winning a race (working a job, getting fit, traveling around the world on a motorbike to raise funds for a good cause…whatever it may be), more important than your own pain, or discomfort. Make it more important than your own feelings of disgust, self-pity and helplessness. Sometimes you have to start with small things. Like spending time with friends, or going for a run. You have to make that run more important than your own feelings. 

Once you’ve mastered the run, you can master something else. You have to master doing things that are good for you, even if you don’t immediately feel great doing them (you probably won’t feel a thing at first), or think you deserve them. Because by doing them, you’ll feel like a better person. And when you feel like a better person, you start feeling like you deserve having a life again.  

Maybe this friend will, so to speak, see the light. Maybe they’ll decide that an uphill road to becoming who they want to be/getting to where they want to be and therefore facing where they are, is better than feeling the way they do for the next ten years. Maybe the thought of the next ten years will finally make them realize that it’s better to start now, than pity themselves for the time they’ve already lost. Or maybe they’ll see a child sleeping in the street and decide to care for them and in the process of doing so forget about themselves, thus forgetting their own pain. Maybe they’ll stumble across a purpose. 

The only way for a person to change is to do everything they can to do so. If one thing doesn’t work, they’ll have to try the next. If you’ve told yourself for three weeks you aren’t going to have another hamburger, or a milkshake, for breakfast and you’re still having hamburgers and milkshakes, you need to try something else. And if you can’t figure it out, ask someone else to give you ideas about how to do it. We all think we’re unique, but it turns out we’re uniquely human. We act like 99% of the rest of the population when put in certain situations. We follow the same patterns. Other people sometimes know better than you do how you work, even if they aren’t an athlete without legs. They know human patterns. And they’re able to see the things you can’t, because they’re not stuck in your head. Plus, believe it or not, they can see you. Can feel you.

Maybe your friend will call you one day and ask you how you’re doing. Say sorry for the times they cancelled on you. Tell you that you’re part of the light of their universe because they can once again see the light. And maybe they won’t. 

I don’t know how many friends I have in my life who have gone gaga because someone in their life is going through depression and are either avoiding them, being needy with them (the example above is clearly not someone being needy), or driving them insane in some other way. All I can say is that it gives you an opportunity to:

  1. give without receiving 
  2. know that nothing you do is likely to have any effect whatsoever beyond maybe giving the other person a bit of joy, or the satisfaction of knowing someone cares — maybe you’ll give them a glimmer of life, maybe you won’t
  3. focus on encouraging them when they do something good, rather than losing your shit when you feel neglected — they’re already feeling bad, making them feel worse isn’t going to help. That said, calling them on their bullshit and telling them that maybe it’s about time they cared about someone else isn’t always a bad thing
  4. know that you’ll be rejected time and time again because you’re an obstactle to them being alone with their misery
  5. not let their sorrow weigh you down — emphatize with them as you know we all face difficulties and it hurts like hell, but know they are in charge of their life and if they want to feel better, it’s possible, they just have to take action and/or seek help
  6. know that people like to take pride in their difficulties, or fuckedupness as it’s a way of coping with it, by pretending to not care and being ever so cool, or pretending it’s a joke
  7. be fully aware that you may lose a person you care about and come to terms with that
  8. know that you have to focus all your energy on your own life, as you’ll get nowhere by focusing on theirs — you have the responsibility to create a life you’re happy with and that may mean limiting the time you spend with them and also deciding to not walk around worrying about them; it’s out of your control and the best you can do is have faith in them and pray for them beside being there for them
  9. know that from time to time you’ll get both angry and sad, you’ll pity them and yourself and be petrified of losing them to a dark pit and have a complete hissy fit about it, but also know you have the power to step out of that state of mind
  10. there’s a time and a place for forced hospitalization

In short, to be around depressed people, you have to give up on your own ego; your own self-importance, while simultaneously taking control over your own emotions. And to me that’s been a great learning. 

I’ve always been stuck in my ego, you see. I’ve cared about what people think about me. Wanted proof they care about me. Wanted to feel good thanks to the people around me. But as with the crab, some people won’t tell you your awesome, or send you thank you notes. And sometimes, I’ve been that person. In the past six months when my home life was a disaster due to the child I help raise with PDA, I got panicked if someone so much as asked for a coffee with me. I had no time or energy. The only thing I cared about was paying the bills and having people to help me manage the kids. That was it. 

But I got through those months, because other people didn’t give up on me. When I was practically catatonic one morning, my neighbor looked at me with worry and spoke to me. When I called people in desperation, needing help with the kids, they answered. Some of these people told me I was inspiring. An incredible person. I still don’t understand why. I guess because I kept going. Kept thinking I’d find a solution. Because sure as hell I wasn’t pleasant to be around, apart from those brief moments, hiding away in some coffeeshop and feeling like myself for a while. And I despised myself a fair amount. Despised myself for not being nicer. Despised myself for not finding solutions for my child. But I had to make a decision to every day aim to be the person I wanted to be no matter what I was facing. I failed continuously, but I tried again the next day.  

I’ve been much deeper in the depths of despair in the past. Times when I felt nothing, or was petrified of myself, because I feared my own feelings. But time and time again, I overcame those feelings. So I know it’s possible. Even if it doesn’t feel that way. It’s about deciding you don’t have a clue. Surrendering to not knowing shit. If you did, you wouldn’t be where you are. Then deciding you can do it, even if you don’t know how. Deciding you will find a solution. And you’ll stop at nothing.

Maybe I can sum up my learnings with both being depressed and being around depression with some of my coach’s favorite terms (which it took me a while to get my head around): 

  • don’t get caught up in your own or other people’s hairy bullshit (i.e. don’t let the stories someone else is telling themselves, or the stories you’re telling yourself affect you — change the stories going round in your head and when someone say they keep thinking they’re a disaster and therefore acting like one, challenge them on it — tell them to start thinking something else and therefore acting differently instead of allowing them to wallow in self-pity or disgust)
  • decide who you are going to be in the face of it (i.e. don’t let circumstance dictate your reactions — rather take charge of how you want to think and act)
  • become aware your own patterns — what are you creating and what will the payoff be (negative or positive)? (if you’re depressed, or unhappy with circumstance, you’re doing something to continuously create that — change the pattern, change your life. This is harder than it seems as it often means going against your own desires)
  • the person with the biggest hard on wins (i.e. the highest vibrational energy wins — no person or event can affect your mood for long if you have the biggest hard on)
  • when you’re happy you can be of service to others because you don’t expect them to make you happy and by being of service you stop thinking about your ego and therefore feel better
  • structure has integrity — by changing the structure of your life (thinking patterns and real life habits) you change your overall life (sometimes this is a bit-by-but process rather than an overnight overhaul of your life. Such as being a sugar addict, but deciding to have a run before each cake you eat, or being so used to beating yourself up about life you can’t stop, but you’ll write down one thing you like about yourself every day. Other times, it’s best to do a 180. Depends on the situation)
  • focus creates reality — what you focus on (i.e. what you think about) is your reality and determines what you create in your life. Change your focus, change your life (this also means that when someone depressed has aired about their issues enough, it’s time to change the topic and move towards the good things in their life, what they’re grateful for and what they are passionate about, as well as the things you love)

We all need our emotional needs met. Just after saving the crab, a woman walked past me and complimented my dress. She didn’t want anything in return. She just kept walking. It made me happy. It helped me meet my emotional needs.

Just minutes earlier, I had profusely thanked some semi-lousy service people for their service. Not because they made me want to do it, but because I knew who I wanted to be in the face of it. And because I hoped that maybe one day, by seeing other people’s gratitude, they’d start doing something people felt grateful for. 

We all have emotional needs. We just have to be clear where we get them met. Don’t expect to have them met by people who don’t know how to meet them. But also don’t become a bitch because of it. Decide who you are going to be in the face of it. And decide on taking responsibility for your own life. If you expect to have your emotional needs met by the wrong people, that’s your bad. Going to that coffee shop with poor service and expecting to be pampered and leave feeling great is just setting yourself up for disappointment. So you have to ensure you feel great no matter what they do. Maybe, over time, if you keep smiling at them and thanking them, they’ll change. Maybe they won’t. Give up on your self-importance. And get your emotional needs met elsewhere. 

The moral of the stories in this blog? Whether you’re depressed or around someone who is either depressed, or otherwise not meeting your emotional needs, the power is in your hands. You are in charge of your life and your emotions. No matter how much it doesn’t feel like that. Because oh, life happened to you. It will keep happening to you. Until you happen to it. 

Dizzy blonde, over and out. 

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Filed under depression, diary, Happiness, Hope, Inspiration, Motivation, Uncategorized

Taking charge…

This is one hell of an epic blog. No, it’s not because I’m such an epic writer (but I am). No, it’s not because it’s funny as F or because I have turned everything into a sexual metaphor that’ll make you laugh (for once it isn’t). No, this blog is epic, because every time I read it, I learn something. 

You see, this is actually an interview I did for Vigyaa a little while back. I interviewed someone I respect. Someone who has helped me endlessly. Someone who has changed my life for the better. Someone I have a lot of faith in. I interviewed my coach. 

We spoke about fate v.s. faith. Destiny v.s. being in charge of creating our lives. Maybe it was fate that I met Marc. Maybe it was fate that I got in touch with his partner when I woke up one day and decided I’d had enough of living my life the way I was living it. Maybe it was all fated. But since I started working with Marc, my life has changed because I worked for that. 

I started by asking Marc what the first thing he teaches his clients is (as when he started coaching me, I already knew some of the principles he was teaching, if not in the way he was applying them). 

His answer was that you have to start by accepting that you are responsible for everything you create in your life. Because of the agreements you’ve made with yourself (i.e. your beliefs) you are generating emotions that generate behaviors that, in turn, create patterns in your life.  

If we are unconscious (i.e. not aware of the thoughts in our conscious/subconscious) then we are unconscious to the behaviors that create these situations. I.e. we just can’t understand why we are always so lucky at work and always so unlucky in love. We think life just happens to us. 

Life, in reality, is a series of choices. If we’re unconscious, we don’t understand that we have a choice. Ca. 90% of the population have no experience of being fully conscious. Being unconscious is the same as saying you can’t see the label from inside the jam jar — you don’t have an experience outside the jar. You don’t know there’s a possibility to have it even. Basically, you’re trapped within your own point of view and you aren’t even aware of it.

We simply don’t realize that we’re creating our life and the choices we’re making to create it. We are creating unconsciously and must make a decision to become conscious, if that’s what we want. Once a client understands this, once they understand that they are creating a lot of what’s going on in their lives, Marc agrees to start coaching them. 

That’s not to say it’s someone’s fault what they’ve created — they aren’t aware of the things that motivated them to create it. 

If you want to consciously/awarely start creating your life, you need to know that there is only one creative structure: knowing where I am and where I want to get to. Then there are steps to take to get there. 

Creating something can be intuitive — by using our intuition we speed things up. It needs to be heart based for this to happen. If you intuitively get where you are and where you need to go, as well as the steps you need to take to get there, then you speed things up. 

If, on the other hand, you’re letting your beliefs run the show and approach something unconsciously, it becomes dysfunctional. By doing it consciously and intuitively, it becomes functional. 

Sometimes we go through life unconsciously, then have a glimmer of recognition about what it means to be conscious. 

Marc always used to date men who cheated on him. Then he dated one guy and his friends told him he was cheating on him. He said that could surely not be true, and asked the guy if he cheated on him. He denied it. But Marc started to have an inkling that something felt familiar. As if he was repeating a pattern. And sure enough, he found out that the guy was lying to him.

In the past, Marc would deny any recognition that someone was cheating on him until it became blatantly obvious. This time, he took the time to find out; started noticing that something seemed similar to other cheating guys when he denied he was cheating. 

Marc, in the past, was acting from his ego. Once he started becoming conscious, he started acting form his heart. He would feel into a situation and ask himself if what was going on truly felt right. Did he really think the guy was telling the truth? Once he started feeling into it intuitively, he knew the answer. He no longer let himself be blinded by his own desires, which, in the end, always led him to disappointment. 

This is mine, Maria’s metaphor: Think about it as a ship taking you to America. You really want to go to America. Somewhere deep down inside, you also think life’s hard. Filled with difficulties. Bad things happen to you. But you have decided once you get to America, everything will change. So you buy a ticket to a ship that’s leaking. It’s just a small leak. The captain says it will be fine. You can’t afford another ticket (or at least you don’t think so), so you go ahead with it. You fill your mind with dreams of America. You push aside the little nudge of worry that you can feel inside. The captain says it’ll be fine. Surely it will be fine. And America — you’re finally going to America! 

You’re listening to your ego and your ego has decided everything will be OK once you get to America. So you board the ship and half way there, the ship starts leaking badly and everyone’s evacuated and taken home to where they came from. You didn’t get to America and you lost your money for the ticket as you had no insurance. Something bad happened to you, because life’s hard. Just like you have always thought.

When we listen to our ego, we create things to prove our beliefs to be true; we do not create our dreams. When we create from our heart, we start creating what we’d truly love. When you listen to that voice telling you that the ship isn’t safe, you stop. You don’t buy the ticket. Even if it would have taken one month longer to save up the money for the better ticket to America, you would have gotten to America. 

Ask yourself which vibration you are coming from? What lens are you seeing things through? What stories are you telling yourself? Are you telling yourself things that are defeatist in nature (such as: I can’t afford a better ticket)? Are you giving away your power? Not exploring something you’d love to explore because you’re scared? Some people never board the ship at all, because they’re too scared to actually get to America. Or, they board the ship that will sink so that they can say they tried, but it never worked out. It wasn’t right for them. Fate got in the way.

Whatever you’re thinking creates an emotion in you and it’s from that emotion, that vibration, that you’re creating things. If you believe Mercury in retrograde is going to cause problems, then it will. Because you will act in such a way that it does.

When we feel fear and anxiety, such as fearing what will happen when we get to America, then we try to resolve that fear/anxiety; that psychological tension. 

Some people solve tension by drinking too much. Some by sitting frozen in front of Netflix, or procrastinating in other ways. Some by speaking to their friends for hours on end. 

Will having a drink, watching Netflix or talking to a friend really take you closer to your goal? Or are you just using it to get a temporary fix where you feel better (but truly wasted time that could have been used to actually work towards your goals)?

If you know how you behave when feeling any given emotion, then you can predict what you will do. There’s a structure to everything, including your behavior. 

For example, if every time you get stressed at work and feel overwhelmed, you resolve tension by going to the pub after work and getting drunk, instead of staying late and working over time, then you know how you tend to resolve tension (and make the situation worse; because the next day you’ll have even more work to deal with and a hangover to boot).

If you know the story you tell yourself, such as “I had a really long day at work, I deserve a beer”  then you also know how to change it. For example, you could tell yourself: “I am feeling stressed, but if I stay at work for two hours longer today, then I will have made headway for tomorrow and I really want to knock my boss’ socks off, so I’ll do that.” 

Funnily enough, by not resolving your tension, you tend to become less stressed/anxious/fearful, than if you do. 

Resolving tension is really just people’s way of coping. It’s a pattern they’ve developed as a coping mechanism. At some point the person who goes to get drunk after work really thought that was the only way of coping with the stress. No matter how illogical it is, because it is only providing temporary relief and in the end, making the situation worse than it was to start with.

People have different patterns for different things. Some people when they are anxious eat, when they are lonely drink, when they have stress shop, when they get overwhelmed binge watch television and so forth.

Work out your dysfunctional stories and overwrite them with functional ones.

It’s a lot more functional to sit down and fill your diary with social engagements, rather than drink when you feel lonely. It won’t create an immediate release, but it will cure loneliness in the long run. Having a drink might make you feel great in the present, but you’ll be just as lonely the next night. 

Resolving psychological tension is often like taking a flu tablet — it temporarily gets rid of the symptoms, but it doesn’t cure the flu. It might even have gotten worse by the time the effects of the tablet wears off as you used the time in the wrong way; feeling great when in fact you still had a high fever temporarily relieved by the tablet. You didn’t rest and heal. You over exerted yourself. 

A real life example would be feeling stressed about finances, drinking to resolve the tension, getting caught for a DUI, then having no transport and having to spend more money getting to work using Uber. 

This is what happens when we react to emotional triggers in ways that are not beneficial (our negative set of core beliefs start acting out). And often we have well established patterns for how we react in different situations. If we keep reacting in the same way, keep resolving tension in the same way, then we keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. Because sooner or later we will experience the same kind of tension (same trigger) and act in a similar way. 

There will always be tension when you’re working to create something. The goal is to resolve the tension a) by taking steps to get you closer to the goal b) by reaching the goal. That’s the functional way of resolving tension — taking steps to reach your goal and then reaching it. 

Most people are in a reactive cycle their entire life — working to resolve tension and proving their beliefs to be true. Every time a belief gets proven to be true it carves a deeper pathway in the brain. Imagine it as the wrinkles in the brain that get deeper and deeper (this is obviously not a scientific explanation, but a metaphor). As the grooves, or wrinkles, get deeper over time, it’s harder to undo them. If someone taught you how to make conscious decisions at the age of ten, it would be a lot easier to learn than at the age of 45. The pathway would have been a lot less shallow at age ten and there’d be a lot less resistance. 

Of course, once you learn you’re on autopilot — that you’re just automatically reacting to life — then you can change it. 

Sometimes you look around you see some people who, quite frankly, you think are assholes. Ever wondered how a world leader can behave as appallingly as they do? But they’re on autopilot like the rest of the world. If they think the only way to get somewhere in life is to manipulate, then they will do that. They aren’t even conscious of doing it. This is why you mustn’t take things personally. People do most things as a reflex reaction. People are slaves to their own unconscious unless they have the option of becoming aware presented to them. 

Jung said: Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will drive your life and you will call it fate. 

You think it’s fate that creates the same things for you over and over again, but it’s actually you creating them as you have an automatic behavior pattern when presented with different situations. 

It’s like when Marc’s friends told him his partner was cheating and he just wouldn’t listen. He chose to think they were lying, rather than thinking his partner was lying. If he would have listened immediately, he would have had the option to end the relationship and creating a better one, going into it aware of his own patterns. But as so many others, he didn’t want to admit to what he didn’t want to be true. Which is ironic as it only creates even worse problems. 

The thing is, we can’t blame ourselves, or others, for being unconscious. Until we become aware we don’t really have a choice for how we react. We first have to realize that we have that choice. It’s like waking up one day and realizing you’ve been drunk for your entire life. 

In fact, most conscious people don’t get drunk, or use drugs, as they are enjoying the life they’re living. They don’t need drugs, or alcohol, to relieve their tension. Because they make conscious choices, they have less tension to resolve. 

Marc’s father, during WWII, had to dive into a latrine during a fight and was in there for seven days until he could get out again. He got malaria, shock, rat bites, etc. but as soon as he was physically sound, he was discharged from hospital. 

From then on, when he heard a loud noise, such as his children screaming, he’d pick up the first thing in sight that could be used as a weapon, and lash out. This kept going until he got MS at the age of 63 and was hospitalized. At the hospital they figured out he has PTSD. They treated him for that too. After that, he never hit anyone, or anything, again. 

Marc’s father was acting unconsciously, until the day they treated him for PTSD. And in the same way, most people are simply reacting to life in a set pattern. They don’t even realize they have a choice to react differently. 

But even at the age of 63 change is possible. And as seen with Marc’s father, some change can happen over night. 

In Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, he explains that there were two types of survivors coming out of the concentration camps after WWII. There were those who felt like survivors; like their psyche had been damaged, but their soul was intact. Then there were those who felt that their soul had been damaged and that they were tarnished. They felt like victims for life. 

In a similar manner, you choose whether to see yourself as a survivor, or as a victim. 

Heaven isn’t a place where you go, but where you’re reunited with God, but you can be now as well. You can connect to God. You’re just living the illusion of separation. Of an individual experience. God is everything. We were just created so that s/he could experience themselves. Thus, your soul cannot be damaged. 

Marc’s belief is that we are brought here to experience what we want. However, until you become conscious, you’re just experiencing what you’ve been programmed to experience. You just keep experiencing your beliefs. 

To feel separate from God we have to be wounded (psychologically/by our ego). You have the permission to create whatever you want. If you’re living from your wound, then you’re living unconsciously. It will direct your life and you’ll call it fate. The more conscious you become, the more life will feel like it’s worth living. You’ll get the freedom to start dreaming. It’s the reward of consciousness. Humans have to also take steps to create things.

Basically, you’re responsible for what you create. God has given you permission to create on Earth. In a sense, you are God on Earth — that’s the gift you were given from up yonder: the ability to create. And the stories you tell yourself, consciously and unconsciously, are responsible for what you create on Earth. If you start telling yourself different stories, you’ll take different actions and that will create different results. All you have to do to create something is take steps. 

Now that you know how to create, will you employ that and start creating consciously? Will you choose the stories you tell yourself every day? Will you choose to take action on your dreams? Or will you continue to conjure up stories in your mind, that make you react in unfavorable ways? Everything is structural and you choose your structure — aware, or unaware. You have to ask yourself: do I want to explore this thing called awareness, or do I want to stick my head back in the sand?

Being aware, being conscious, is like that shiny new boyfriend. But you can also choose to go back and being cheated on. Like Marc used to do — go back to the cheating boyfriend. He didn’t take in what people were saying. Normally we don’t. We scan when listening and only take in what we are capable of; what suits our beliefs. He had a thought men can’t be trusted and his unconscious agenda was to prove that thought true. Until he figured out what he was doing. Then everything changed. Then the battle became to stay conscious of his choices; realizing he had a world of choices open to him. 

For him it was realizing that a lot of men can’t be trusted, but some can. The ones that can behaved differently. The ones who cheated had a certain MO (modus operandi). Once he met his current partner, the question of cheating never even came up in nine years. His partner loves him. He’s not someone manipulating him into trusting him. 

No one is 100% conscious all the time. If you are tying your shoelaces, for example, you’re probably not even aware of what you’re doing. You don’t have to be. You can be on autopilot for that task. 

When it comes to being aware of what you’re thinking, if you’re 30-40% conscious you’re close to proficient. If you’re over 50% you’re very proficient. Anything more than that, it’s a bonus. 

Once you become conscious, you start thinking about being of service to others. Not necessarily changing the world, just serving others through your heart and the resources you have available. When you do, your life shifts. But when you’re unconscious, you’re usually struggling so much, you can’t even think about being of service to others. If you don’t have a roof over your head, or you’re not comfortable with some aspect of your life, you’re struggling. 

If you choose to be of service, you start seeing people through a different lens. You start asking yourself how you can serve them, rather than vice versa. 

When you become aware/conscious you also start having faith. Faith things will work out. Faith you’ll reach your goals. That removes stress and worry and changes your vibration. You don’t need to know how something will happen, you just know it will happen. Coming at it from that angle, you are acting from a functional state of mind. You’re relaxed, happy and eager to find solutions and move forward. This means you’ll be creating what you want. 

Having faith also means you’re no longer in reaction. You have faith things will turn out well, so you don’t need to go and get drunk, because you want to relieve your tension. You don’t get very stressed, so you don’t need to resolve the tension. You have faith you’ll meet your deadlines, earn your money, find friendship, find love, solve this or that problem, etc. In turn, this means you’ve broken your dysfunctional patterns. You’re taking steps to create your goals, instead of steps to resolve your current tension.

You’ve become a powerful creator, focusing on what you want to create and having faith you’ll achieve it. 

Maybe meeting Marc was my fate, but I would never have been coached by him, unless I had messaged his partner saying “I’m looking for a coach.” I was thinking about that today. How a single “hello” can save our life, or at the very least: change it. But we have to be willing to do it. Marc coaches me, but without me taking action, nothing changes. I have to move my feet. 

I think destiny is a funny thing. It’s like a knock on the door. Maybe the knock was orchestrated by God, but you choose if you answer the door. Then you choose, once opening it, if you let what’s out there inside. 

Opening the door does not mean letting someone, or something, in. It means we’re willing to explore. It means we’ve got an open mind. And if we like what we see, we can let change inside. 

You’re in charge. Maybe fate plays a role in what happens, but you’re the one responding to it. You’re the one opening and closing doors. Fate may have brought you a door, but you’re the door’s master. You’re not fated. But you might wanna have faith…

This is Marc’s website, should you want to stalk the man online.

To round it off, here’s the poem Nelson Mandela read to himself every day in prison. We’re all in our own mental prison. So maybe this poem is a good reminder that only we can change our lives. 

Out of the night that covers me, 

      Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

      For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

      I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

      My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

      Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul. 

Invictus, by William Ernest Henley

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Filed under achievement, faith, fate, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation

Naked thoughts on creativity, depression…and dancing in the dark…

heartbeats at midnight

the silence

apart from that heartbeat

and deep, slow breaths 

in and out

the feeling

of your skin

secret crevices

wrinkles

filled with stardust

and other inexplicable beauty

a weird sensation

of something

nothing

everything 

moonshine

sparkling through the window

time

dancing by 

like a twinkling melody

invisible wires

connections

made of starlight 

running through us 

connecting us

to each other

and the great beyond 

as we are just  the dust 

left behind

from an explosion 

nothing 

everything 

us

You know, as a creative you’re always looking for the next big idea. The next burst of inspiration. Sadly, as a creative, when you’re not working on that big idea, or aren’t high on a burst of inspiration, you’re often caught in your own head.

I’ve learned to redirect my thoughts. It’s been a lifetime commitment of overcoming depression. Still. I have my moments. That’s why I’ve had to learn that when they hit, I need to move my ass. Get my mind engaged in something else. Usually something creative — paint, dance, write… And fill my life with human connections. Which has been hard for someone who grew up with social paranoias. But I’ve learned. I’ve forced myself to go out when I don’t want to. When I feel like a sad mess and am ashamed of my own life. When I’m petrified of what people will think of me. Because that was my problem as a child — I was ashamed of myself. And that still hits at times. And my gut reaction is to remove myself from the world. Hide away. Which only makes it worse, because you sit there reveling in your own thoughts, instead of changing them into something positive. Productive. Something which engages you in life and makes you smile. It’s pretty simple really. It just doesn’t feel that way when you’re sitting there paralyzed by fear. So as Audrey Hepburn would say — put your lipstick on and pull yourself together. Get the high heels out the cupboard. Get your ass out that door. 

Still, yesterday, I felt depleted. Frustrated. And I was getting annoyed with myself.    

Then I saw this guy. Biking. Down Somerset Road. He had muscles. He had style. He was hot as hell. And I caught myself raising my eyebrows. Then I started laughing. It was that moment. That moment that starts a romantic comedy. And I wanted to write. That comedy. A spark had been ignited.  

This was after a day of listening to Amy MacDonald’s Dancing in the Dark. Written by Bruce Springsteen after his producer or something told him one night that he had to write another song for his next album. He yelled he’d already written 71 songs. Then he went to the hotel room and banged this out over night. It became one of the most popular songs of all time. 

I know that feeling. That feeling of having someone standing over you with a stick, waiting for your creative juices to flow. Bizarrely, I love it. Even the anger I feel when they tell me they need more. Need something different. When you’re bleeding out the last of your creative juices, but you keep working. Keep creating. 

Sometimes when you go home, you feel like shit. Because your personal life had some sort of hiccup, or you were forced to do work that wasn’t creative at all that day. Or year. Take your pick. But your creativity — you have that. That spark. That something. That thing that makes you light your own fire. 

So this afternoon I’m gonna dance. I’m gonna feel my own body again. I’m gonna live. I’m gonna light that fire. 

You’re beautiful, remember that. You have a spark inside of you. A fire. A fire that connects you to all living beings. Because you are the Universe. You are stardust come alive.

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Filed under confidence, depression, diary, Musings, Poem, poetry, Self-confidence, Uncategorized

Look at me…looking at you…looking at me…

Do you have precious people in your life? I do. Lots of them. 

I have a myriad of friends and family I admire for a wide variety of different reasons. Feel a connection with for a wide variety of different reasons. Enjoy spending time with for a wide variety of different reasons. 

Some of these people have been in my life for a while, others are fairly new additions. Yet, most of them have become part of the scenery. Part of the life I take for granted. 

By that I mean that when I spend time with them, I’m not always completely present. My mind is engaged in things that preoccupy me that day. Nor do I always make the most out of a meeting. I get lazy. I settle for coffee with someone when I could be having an adventure with them. 

Get me right — sometimes coffee is all you want. All you need. Or hot chocolate. Or wine. You know, sitting talking, looking someone in the eye. Really being there. Connecting with them. Exchanging ideas. Feeling their soul next to you. But there are times when you could go out there and experience life with someone. Partake in activities that blow your mind, or engage your creative spirit, or make you laugh till you topple over, or tickle your senses, or stir up your adventurous side, or let out the playful side of you, or…whatever it is you desire to experience with that person (what do you desire to experience?).  

In short, I think there are times when we forget to live and times when we forget to truly connect with the person next to us. See them. Feel them.

When we go new places, or meet new people, they awaken our senses, but it’s temporary. Soon we become used to the landscape and the people. The temporary high fades away. We become complacent. Settle into routines, that aren’t as much healthy routines as they are lazy habits. It’s not the routines we desire, but the ones we ended up with. That exciting new bar is now our local bar. That exciting new restaurant is now the only restaurant we go to. That exciting new person is now just another friend of ours.

As the landscape and people become familiar, we forget to truly see them and feel them — experience them — because we’ve become used to them. We make the assumption we already know what they look and feel like. We grow numb. What’s worse: we no longer seek new people and experiences. We’ve become lazy. Forgotten we even can seek out new experiences in a familiar landscape. 

I wrote a whole feature film script about this and, still, sometimes I forget to live. What’s worse, I forget to experience those around me. 

For example, I get so caught up in worry about my child that I talk non-stop about her doing her homework, cleaning her bedroom, being nice to people, etc. I don’t truly experience her. I don’t really sit with her and feel into what she’s feeling. Instead, I’m caught up in trying to control her because I fear being raised in a township has left her with little morals and no drive. Control is my go-to habit. My autopilot switching on. I’m no longer present. I’m caught in fear. And I act in ways to try to resolve that fear. My way of resolving it is by enforcing control. But it’s not getting me the results I desire. Instead, it’s disrupting my life. 

When fear, nervousness, panic…whatever you like to call it, kicks in, we’re rarely present to life, or the people in it. We just act in ways we think we should act, or whatever way resolves our tension (fear/discomfort/pain) the fastest. Be that swallowing a painkiller, acting clown, hiding away, eating candy, or enforcing control. 

You don’t know what makes another person feel loved until you ask them. You don’t know what will help them until you ask them. You don’t know what adventures they want to go on with you until you ask them. Until you’re present with them. Feel them. Truly feel them.

We make assumptions. We make assumptions about how to handle people and situations. We even make assumptions about how we will feel when entering a certain situation instead of asking ourselves how we’d like to feel and what we need to do to feel that way? We make assumptions about how to handle our own life. We make assumptions about how the day will be and how people will react. We make assumptions about how the coffee will taste, so we don’t even bother tasting it. We’ve had it before. So we just drink it. On autopilot. We make so many assumptions about life we forget to live.  

Be present. Experience your day. Experience yourself. Experience people.

Ask yourself what you’d like to feel and experience, instead of making assumptions about how you will feel and what you’ll experience. See the opportunities instead of hiding in the habits. 

Experience the people in your life. Ask them questions instead of making the assumption that you know them. People change. People need to be experienced daily. Even just reminding yourself that the time you have with every single person is limited, will help you remember to experience them. To be fully present with them. 

I bet if you know me, you make assumptions about what I feel. You make assumptions about what I think about you. You make assumptions about what I want to experience with you. Don’t. Ask me. And don’t assume that I know what you want to experience with me. What you like about me. I don’t. Because you’re constantly changing. I’m constantly changing. And we need to get to know each other every time we meet. Experience each other every time we meet. Get naked with one another every time we meet. Metaphorically speaking. 

Life’s an experience, but to experience it, you have to become present to it.   

Dizzy blonde, over and out.

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For my lover: an invitation…

I want to see you. Naked. Beyond the covers.

No, I’m not talking about your scars, or your medals. But you. Your naked soul.

I want to connect with you. Feel you.

What is it that stirs inside of you? The wind that moves you? What is it that puts a smile on your lips, or butterflies in your belly?

I want to see all the engines inside of you combust into flames. I want to feel the passion of your heart. Raw. Unhinged.

And I want you, when you see me, to fall apart so that the blanket you’re wearing comes off and you stand naked in the sun, looking straight into my heart.

Who are you?

I’m not talking about who you became. Who life shaped you into being.

I’m talking about the person beyond that. The essence of your soul. The place you come home to. The real you. The heartbeats inside of you.

I want to be with you. The real you.

I want to bathe in the essence of your soul.

And I want you to see me. Feel me. Touch the core of my being with your fingertips. I want you to stare into my soul until the stars inside of me begin to twinkle and all else fades away.

I want us to write the poetry of our souls on pieces of paper. I want us to draw each other’s beauty on canvases. I want us to speak words that make us see who we are. I want us to experience ourselves through each other the way only lovers can.

I want our souls dance naked as our hearts create our dreams. Together. Beat by beat. Step by step. You and me. Together. Creating our dreams.

I want you. The real you.

By Maria Montgomery

Inspired by Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s The Invitation.

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.

I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

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Filed under Love, Musings, poetry, relationships, Soul, soul path, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Faith…

Do you have faith? Faith in a higher power? Faith in your own abilities? Faith in the people in your life? 

When I travel I always have faith I’ll find somewhere to live that suits my needs. I have absolute faith that it will pan out. Because it always has. Even when I stood with a broken credit card no money in Paris at the tender age of nineteen, it panned out. 

When I travel I have faith life/God/the Universe will provide me with what I need. I also have faith in my own abilities. I know that if you ask enough people, someone will have what you’re looking for and I will find it. 

Moreover, I have faith that I’ll get through storms. I’ll get through them because I never give up. Even if I end up with one more scar, or one more wrinkle. I’ll win. 

Other people tend to admire me for this. Just today, my doctor was talking to me about this, as she knows some of what I’ve been through with the kids I help raise. A lot of people find me inspirational. Few see the pain that I’ve gone through with a lot of the “inspirational” things I’ve done. My doctor knows the pain. She’s the one dealing with my over worked immune system.

While I have faith I’ll get through storms, I am petrified of calm and quiet. I have very little faith I can live a happy life without a million storms. But I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being overworked. I’m tired of caring for others when not being cared for myself. I’m tired of facing crazy ass situations that are mentally and emotionally draining.

I’m not tired of challenges. I thrive on them. But I’d prefer working out how to spend the millions of dollars I’m making from movies instead of working out how to survive on a dollar a day. I’d like different kinds of challenges than the ones I’ve faced in recent years. 

You know what I want? I want to have fun. I want to enjoy myself. I want to go on dates where I laugh till I cry. I want to dance till I’m spinning through the air. I want to crawl on the floor to get the perfect angle for a shoot (yes, I know, we all have different ideas of happiness). I want to laugh with my children. I want to bake cookies and have whipped cream wars. I want to drive with the wind blowing through my hair and the sun tickling my skin. I want to come home to a happy home. I want to be happy. 

This scares me. I’m scared the moment I relax all hell will break loose. Bizarrely, always worrying makes me feel safe. Being in the middle of a storm makes me feel safe. I’m scared of letting go and relaxing when things are quiet.

In the twelve steps in AA one of the steps is giving up your power to a higher source. When I sat in a hot tub in LA bawling my eyes out and asking a higher power for guidance as I was so depressed I couldn’t feel anything and didn’t have a clue what to do, I surrendered to that power. That way my depression started to lift as my reason for having it became obvious. And from there, what to do to move forward became obvious. Likewise, when I travel I have absolute faith that the journey will reveal itself. And it does. 

Having faith doesn’t mean you don’t have to take action. You do. It’s not like I don’t have to look for accommodation when I travel. I do. It’s just I have faith I’ll find it. I feel safe in the hands of God or whatever powers may be. Then I move my ass. 

Similarly, you have to have faith in the people in your life. Faith that they’ll do right by you. Faith that they can handle what life puts in their path. Faith they’ll do the right thing. Some won’t. But if you have faith, you know the wrong people will fall away. Because they won’t get what they want from you if you let faith guide you. They won’t get the payoff they seek. You also know that the right people will reveal themselves. That they will show up when you truly need them. That your life will be blessed with the right people. 

I want to have fun. That means I have to take the necessary steps to get there. I know I’m happy when I’m dancing. So it’s really obvious to book a class. Then I have to show up to that class. Faith is just knowing that it’ll be alright. That I’ll find the right teacher — even if it’s not on the first try. Faith that it will pan out. Faith that I’ll be happy on the dance floor once more. 

The truth is, I’ve avoided dancing for a long time. Just like I’ve avoided being in a stable relationship. Just like I’ve avoided having a stable home. Just like I’ve avoided having a straight forward career. I’ve avoided things where I feel I need to let go. Things that would make my life stable. Simple. Things that would take me out of the storm. Things that would allow me to relax. Because that’s my fear. Relaxing. The feeling of being relaxed and unguarded. Unprepared. Vulnerable. 

I want to be happy. I want to have faith I can be happy. I have faith. I have faith that if I truly hand myself over to a higher power, the necessary steps to be happy will reveal themselves. All I need to do, is take the obvious action. And it’s always obvious when you tune into yourself and allow intuition/a higher power guide you. You know what to do. What you truly need to do to get there. 

You might not like what you need to do. It may be uncomfortable; painful even. It’s not like showing up to a dance class for the first time in three years is without pain. I’m nervous. I’m scared I’m not good enough. I feel old. That’s part of the journey: facing your own inner demons and the growing pains you get from taking action. But if you follow through, you’ll get to where you want to be. To that place you truly desire. And I desire being on a dance floor. 

Life is in our hands, but for it to truly be so, you have to surrender. Surrender to not knowing. Surrender to a higher power. Surrender to faith. Then you fucking move your butt. 

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