Tag Archives: truth

Lay lady, lay…

Civil Rights March on Washington, D.C. closeup...

Bob & Joan

Maybe my life is like an old Bob Dylan song – gnawing, scorching, yet beautifully etched into a vinyl record. The book of life.

As thoughts get mingled together, in some sort of recipe I don’t always understand, I seek for meaning, for answers, for completion. Yet, this dance has carried me so far away from home, far away from both my physical home and the home inside my heart. The home where beauty lives. Where all what I treasure lives. I forget who I am. I live like a machine. A programmed machine. I eat, I sleep and I work. I stress. I still can’t manage it. I am trying to learn to value myself. To actually live, not just speak about it. It’s hard, it’s harder than I ever thought. Yet, as soon as I remember who I am, in my heart, it becomes easy. It becomes a dance again. A proper dance. One that makes me fly; soar like an eagle. I like that. I like flying.

The last few weeks haven’t been easy. Maybe because I have faced some of my most prominent fears. My fear of failure. My fear of loneliness. My fear of trust. My fear of illness. The fears I’ve lived with for so long. The fears that aren’t real, I’d just like to think that they are. The medicine is simple: get out. Get out of my own mind and into the real world. The physical world. The world I can actually touch. A world where I get an insight into other people’s lives, where I see them, feel them, interact with them. A world in which I am happy.

It’s so simple – it’s just to do what you know you must. Why I stick with old patterns baffles me. Now more than ever I see the futility of it all. How it can harm me in ways that are bad. Severely bad. Maybe that’s what I needed? A wake-up call? A call back from my heart, to my heart.

You have to value yourself. You have to put yourself first, or you will slip. You will slip down a long muddy hill which at first seems not too bad, but once you get further along, once you pick up speed, you will fall faster than you thought and the climb back up again will be that much longer. Therefore, catch yourself before you fall. Put yourself first. Give yourself what you would like for others to give to you. Now, in this moment. Just do it. Or you will be forever falling.

Stop and breathe. Breathe in the new day, the new possibilities. Feel yourself awakening, opening up to the sun, like a flower bud in June. Feel life. Feel yourself getting high on the force of life, the life force. Feel your own strength, your own tenderness. Slowly, step-by-step allow yourself to walk the path in wonder. Marvel. Marvel at the sights you see and the sounds and smells surrounding you. Feel. Feel life.

My favorite song of all time…


Filed under Life

A little wisdom…

Me: Damn it!

Best Friend: What?

Me: Everything!

Best Friend: It will be alright.

Me: How?

Best Friend: We’re not dead yet!


Filed under Courage, dreams, Humor, Inspiration, Life, Motivation

Knights v.s. investment bankers…

We’ve all heard the fairy tales – since we were kids time and time again we have been told the story of a Knight in shining armor riding to fetch his Princess. Sounds a hell of a lot more romantic than the Investment Banker (who had gotten tired of one-night-stands) sat down in the bar after a long day, laid eyes on a Journalist (who was tired of emotional fuckwitages, fuck buddies and fucking lousy lovers), bought her a drink and that was that. Boring plot.

Now, in reality, I guess it doesn’t matter where and when you lay eyes on your darling to be, but I have contemplated this knight’s tale for a while and I think there is some truth to it. Let me explain:

Us women live with the idea of one day this bloke will come riding into our lives and we will recognize him easily as he will be standing underneath our window fighting dragons (and if not, at least defy our father and climb up to our balcony to declare his never-ending love for us). The thing is, usually we are not sitting stuck in some tower guarded by dragons. No, we tend to stumble upon him in all other weird kind of settings – from match.com to the local pub. So how the heck do we know it is him? He’s come to save us of course! No, truly he has come to save us from singledom, but for us to give up this nice secure tower where we have locked our heart up, he better well save us with some sort of glorious deed. How else will we know that it is he? Why else would we trust him with our heart? No clue. Therefore, he has to fight. Basically, he has to climb the tower and fight the dragons (I’m sad to say I don’t own any dragons to let loose on him, although between my sister and my best friend, he better watch out) so instead he will have to fight for us in other ways. That is to say: he can’t take no for an answer, he’s gotta be prepared to move mountains to be with us (whether that be to defy his mother’s opinion of us, or drive 50 miles a day to see us), he has to believe he can outdo all the other suitors out there and he better be doing his chase in style – from text messages to surprises, he’s gotta be a good warrior – if he does not stand out from the crowd, we won’t recognize him, nor trust him. We will not give a Knight our heart unless he puts up a fight.

Men, on the other hand, have been told that they will have to fight for their fair maiden. In other words – they will not go after a woman who does not expect them to fight for her. Unless they get to fight, how will they know that it is she? They won’t. They need to feel like they fought a war to win her heart – whether that was to be a master in coming up with clever dates, defy her best friend’s wishes (in my case: forget it – if she doesn’t like you, you are out the door in a heartbeat), save her life, outdo a gazillion other suitors, or move Heaven and Earth to be with her. Besides, she needs to be skilled enough in winning his trust, so that once they have fought bravely and climbed all the way up to her chamber in the tower, she is able to remove their armor, piece by piece, until she finds the man underneath it. No man will allow this unless he feels sure he has won her heart.

Of course, after the fighting has taken place the Knight and the Princess need to prove their abilities by making each other feel like King and Queen, as once you have been given a heart, your duty is to look after it and make it beat stronger and stronger by the hour. Else it is likely that the heart will take flight.

What say you dear readers? Is there any truth to this? I guess sometimes it’s reverse roles and the woman does the fighting and the man gets rescued, but it seems to me that many women sit in towers and many men hide under armor, and until a fight takes places, both are stuck in their hiding places. Love is, after all, to understand someone; to truly see them and feel for them and most of us don’t let anyone see our heart unless we think they deserves it – either because they are good at fighting, or they are good at disarming us. It’s very easy to have a crush on someone you know you will never get; the imaginary Knight or Princess, but to actually commit in the real world takes quite something. Or well, at least it takes someone walking straight into one’s life and claiming one’s heart, fully confident that they will get it, only most people don’t do that, as they are unsure of whether they want it or not. Hence, a fight is in place to make it all that more exciting and give us the feeling that the trophy is all that more valuable. There’s a truth to the saying “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” It may also be that you don’t know what you’ve got till you’ve had to fight for it.

There’s gotta be some reason why armor and amour are such similar words…so now with your amour, disarm someone of their armor…the cheese factor just reached 10,000 on a scale of 1 to 100….


Filed under Courage, Dating, Humor, Life, Love, Men, Relationship, relationships, Self-confidence, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Women

Lion, you?!?…

I know I have blogged about this before, yet it always comes back to me; stronger and stronger until one day I hope to master it myself.

There is a human being in front of you. She smiles. She says things. She makes you laugh. She’s a gift. She works in ways that make you wonder. She amazes you. She frightens you. She brings out something different in you. She annoys you. She agitates you. She tickles you. She makes you think of her when she is not there. She touches you. She has feelings for you. She feels you. She sees you. She listens to you. She alarms you. She awakens you. She makes you feel. She makes you experience things. She uplifts you. She believes in you.

There are no words to describe what people mean to you, each person being unique.

We may live for another second, or another hundred years. We may live every second being truly alive, giving each moment and each person our all, or we may live in fear. With inhibitions. With darkness. We may follow the light, or we may fear the shadows. We may charge into the world like lions, or like sheep.

We may live, or we may die.

We have all done things we regret – felt fear, anger, shame, hatred…but that’s the past, who you are now is just a body, free to do what you choose! You are a human. You have traits, but you also have choice. Sheep, or lion.

Today is your unique gift to a person and a person’s unique gift to you. Dare to live. Dare to give light to those that light you up. Dare to walk away from shadows. Dare to love. Dare to be true to whom you choose to be. Dare to learn. Dare to live within the moment, however horrid, or however frighteningly beautiful. Dare to face what’s there, whether you fear to keep it, or lose it. Dare to be the light you want to see in this world. Dare to feel what you feel. Dare to give the most precious gift of all: yourself.

So when my best friend dared me to “lock myself out” wearing my see-through Sonia Rykiel pajama to catch the attention of a certain six pack…I…I did what any lion would do…I said “I’m not interested in sheep…when a lion comes along on the other hand…”

Only you know where your heart truly wants to go and what it truly wants to say…

Nike said it: Just Do It!

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Filed under Courage, dreams, Gifts, Inspiration, Joy, Life, Love, Men, Motivation, People, Personal Development, poetry, relationships, Relationsip, Self-confidence, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Women

Sailing solo…stark naked…

Have you ever felt like you cracked open? Like every event, every emotion, there ever was fell out of your chest and onto the world for full view? Today I felt like that and before my jet-lag dissipates and the fog leaves the hills once more and daylight enters, I will share it with you. Come tomorrow, having a clear head, I will once again want to sweep this story under the carpet. For now though, the hills are covered in fog and I feel safe and secure, sitting half asleep in my bed, writing.

Journeys end in lovers meeting, or so Shakespeare said. Traveling for me has always been a way of life. I have been blessed to see many places, I have had wonderful adventures and I have met some astounding people. Traveling has also always given me perspective – you cannot look at your life from the same point of view when you are looking at it from a different place, under different circumstances. What’s more, my passion for traveling has given me an excuse to always leave people and places before they leave me. I never worry what others think of me, because I don’t live there anyway. I don’t really care, so I feel free, independent and happy, but today I got sick of traveling. I don’t want to need to be constantly running to feel happy. After having my sister calling me yesterday complaining about not having seen me for eight months and a friend crying as I left London town, I just realized it’s about time I face up to it, if I want to end my journey in a loving meeting, rather than as soon as I want to become part of a town, a social circle, or a man, feel like I’m being judged and lose my self-confidence and start running all over again to feel safe, secure and confident.

Today I saw the movie The Time Traveler’s Wife on the plane. It wasn’t a good movie, it was poorly executed, but to me it meant the world to watch it, because suddenly I saw my life in a completely new light. I saw how it would have looked like from a time traveler’s perspective and what it would have been like having myself come back from the future to tell me not to be scared when things were rough.

If you could watch your life, your story, as a movie, what would you think of the protagonist? Would you not see your life in a different light? If you could go back in time and hold your own hand when you were a kid… If you could hug that kid and tell him or her what s/he really needed to know…what would you say?

Man do I wish there had been someone there to hold me when my mom was dying, telling me life is not all that scary. I wish there was someone who would have told me there was nothing wrong with me when the bullies were calling me names, or my step-mom was yelling at me. Lord do I wish there’d been someone to tell me that just because the boys didn’t like me, I wasn’t unlovable. When people asked me if I was anorexic because I was skinny, I wish there’d been someone there to tell me that skinny is pretty too. I wish someone would have just made me understand how gorgeous a person I was. What a beautiful human being I was. How lovable I was.

I really feel for the girl I once was. Watching it from the outside, all the panic, the fear, the sadness, the loneliness she felt and how she blamed herself over and over again for it. It seems absurd now, but she thought she was worthless because it was all her fault. She hated herself for others leaving her, or being mean to her. She kept trying to identify what was wrong with her. Why she was unlovable and how to solve it. There had to be something strange, because she was not mean to people, so why were they mean to her? What was wrong with her?

At the age of seventeen I went to Vancouver. One night, due to a row of events, I had a panic attack, only I didn’t know what it was. As it happened my host mom was angry with me, so she thought I was faking it and left me lying in a heap on the floor – only opening the door to the garden for fresh air. I had to crawl up on my own. I couldn’t call my dad as he was away in travels. It was too late to call someone in Vancouver. So I sat there thinking I might just die. I then swore that if I survived I would open a nursery for street children as no one should have to feel like I did then and there, or for that matter, other times in my childhood too. No one. Yet, I felt no sympathy for the girl who sat there herself. She was just a girl who on a daily basis fought her own insecurities, thinking the world would never love her unless she made herself more outgoing and cool. Unless she succeeded in becoming rich and famous. Her only true friend was her dreams – they didn’t hurt her. They just fueled her. So she set out to achieve them and her whole life changed. So did she, but the thoughts on the inside never completely changed. Not until today. Not until I saw that movie.

Do you know what your eyes look like when you feel loved? Do you know how they sparkle? Do you know how beautiful you are? Look at your hands – do they ever make something for you? Look at your feet – do they ever take you places? Look at your mouth – does it ever make you taste things? Look at you – aren’t you gorgeous? Aren’t you worth all the love in the world? Isn’t that just a beautiful person?

That would be me…hiding in there…almost stark naked…


Filed under dreams, Inspiration, Joy, Life, Love, Motivation, Personal Development, relationships, Relationsip, Thoughts, Traveling, Uncategorized